Permissible but detestable

[Dancingapple]

Question for you all who are currently in a poly relationship:
Did you deal with revulsion at the beginning of your journey into the poly lifestyle? If so, when did that go away for you?
Some context: I’ve come to understand that polygyny is probably Biblically allowable. However, it makes me sick to think about practicing it. As in, I’m vomiting, it keeps me awake at night, I’m im crying daily. I had to go on depression medication for the first time in my life because I was hysterically crying every day. It’s been helping. It’s dulled me enough so I can be more functional. I still have all the same issues, but the crying isn’t as extreme.
Please let me know if you dealt with things like this and where you’re at now. I’ve been reading a lot on the forum, and it seems like the pain never truly and fully goes away and crops up sometimes. I’m not encouraged by that at all. I hate the idea that this could be my life. The dread I’m experiencing is something I’ve been trying to think, study and pray my way out of. It’s not working so far. I’ve been directed by my husband to interact with you all more on here as a next step. To be honest, I’m not enthused. I’m trying to submit in this and be supportive and chipper. How do you all manage?

 

[Stanfam7]

Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable. Just because this is scriptural and completely normal biblical living does not mean it is for us. We have literally no prior knowledge, life experience, and for most of us we don’t personally know people in plural marriages.

I deal with this by looking at this as an invitation by the King Himself to restore biblical patriarchal, submission, and plural marriage. We are trailblazing to normalize this. We take the hit so others after us don’t have to. God asked me to be wood on the altar/ to literally be a living sacrifice and fully submit. It has been really rough, but His Spirit has been comforting me every step of the way. Early on I felt like I was being burned alive on the verge of vomiting continually.

Once my husband went from sure I will be obedient to him wanting a specific woman everything went next level real. It has been a roller coaster. I make myself take my thoughts captive and obey Christ. It is a lot of work. He has taught me if I focus on the Lord’s mission and helping my husband obey God and not hinder him- I fair much better. He has to redirect me often. We have so much to overcome. I sure hope it is easier for those after us!

 

[Joleneakamama]

I am the odd first wife that never had the aversion. I have had other struggles with my own insecurities...and that has not been easy on anyone. I don't do change well....and my dear husband and I didn't understand how to help each other with it. There was never a doubt that I wanted this life...and I have been very blessed by the wonderful woman God brought into our family....and her children too.

Have some grace for yourself. There is a lot of new ideas and emotions, and a lot of non biblical social conditioning to sort out. One of my favorite ways to pray is to let God know how I feel, but let Him know I am willing to feel different and ask Him to help. Perception may not be reality, but it can block seeing what is truly there.

 

[Stanfam7]

I am the odd first wife that never had the aversion. I have had other struggles with my own insecurities...and that has not been easy on anyone. I don't do change well....and my dear husband and I didn't understand how to help each other with it. There was never a doubt that I wanted this life...and I have been very blessed by the wonderful woman God brought into our family....and her children too.

Have some grace for yourself. There is a lot of new ideas and emotions, and a lot of non biblical social conditioning to sort out. One of my favorite ways to pray is to let God know how I feel, but let Him know I am willing to feel different and ask Him to help. Perception may not be reality, but it can block seeing what is truly there.

Thank you for sharing. This is very helpful.

 

[Dancingapple]

Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable. Just because this is scriptural and completely normal biblical living does not mean it is for us. We have literally no prior knowledge, life experience, and for most of us we don’t personally know people in plural marriages.

I deal with this by looking at this as an invitation by the King Himself to restore biblical patriarchal, submission, and plural marriage. We are trailblazing to normalize this. We take the hit so others after us don’t have to. God asked me to be wood on the altar/ to literally be a living sacrifice and fully submit. It has been really rough, but His Spirit has been comforting me every step of the way. Early on I felt like I was being burned alive on the verge of vomiting continually.

Once my husband went from sure I will be obedient to him wanting a specific woman everything went next level real. It has been a roller coaster. I make myself take my thoughts captive and obey Christ. It is a lot of work. He has taught me if I focus on the Lord’s mission and helping my husband obey God and not hinder him- I fair much better. He has to redirect me often. We have so much to overcome. I sure hope it is easier for those after us!

Thank you for your reply. This is really helpful. Really helpful. I’ve been having trouble reading the more syrupy answers, so this was refreshing. Saying a prayer for you now

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

I applaud your openness. It’s hard to put your thoughts and raw feelings out there to others that you do not know.

Though I am still an only wife, my husband has dated over the years and I have had my share of negative responses. (All of the adverse feelings you described.) I found how rotten my heart truly is. Prior to plural, I believed I was a pretty stable, loving person. But plural brought out the ugliest part of me.

After all of these years, my biggest encouragement is for you to keep your heart open to your husband, don’t put up walls, trust him and listen to him sharing his heart.

I always found it fascination how there was absolutely NOTHING in my life I didn’t trust my husband with- my life included… until it came to his dating life. Why is that? Did I really think he would have great judgement in everything else then throw everything to the wind for another woman?

The amount of growth, closeness and depth we have gained in our marriage through this journey is truly remarkable- but there were lots of hard, tearful, broken hearted conversations that had to happen to get to where we are.

I wish I could reach through and give you a hug. I understand the sadness you feel. You are not alone. Lean into God’s Word. The pain really does fade in time.

 

[Joleneakamama]

The amount of growth, closeness and depth we have gained in our marriage through this journey is truly remarkable- but there were lots of hard, tearful, broken hearted conversations that had to happen to get to where we are.

This pain and tears always accompany growth. Attachment style information has helped me understand what uncomfortable steps are likely to get me to the closeness I crave....but run from. *shakes head* we all have our struggles.

 

[Stanfam7]

Thank you for your reply. This is really helpful. Really helpful. I’ve been having trouble reading the more syrupy answers, so this was refreshing. Saying a prayer for you now

Thank you. Praying for you as well. I get that. I do as well. I am a give it to me straight be real and raw person. Feel free to DM me if you want.

 

[Stanfam7]

This pain and tears always accompany growth. Attachment style information has helped me understand what uncomfortable steps are likely to get me to the closeness I crave....but run from. *shakes head* we all have our struggles.

Husband and I took the attachment style test and we are both about as secure as can be with one another. What stood out to me is I view this PM as work! . I am more fearful/preoccupied when it comes to work relationships. Since learning this it has helped me process better. I am not a fearful person typically so all these fears rising up have been confusing. Husband has never made me feel insecure or inadequate in his love.

We are definitely closer than ever, which says a lot because we have been so close for so long, but our communication is painfully honest these days. It “hurts me so good.”

I don’t look at any of this as how ugly or sinful my heart is. My heart has never been challenged to be just one of his wives at the same time, so I have to process that, adjust myself, and adapt to his new reality. It’s painful, hard, destabilizing, disorienting, and redefining etc.. It’s a paradigm I have no prior knowledge or scaffolding. I am kind to myself understanding that we are bringing something old back as new inside of a culture that has no context for this except sin and depravity. It’s a lot. Husband is resolute in obeying as I am, but that doesn’t mean obedience is without pain.

There is a line in a song I love called “Bless Me Indeed” by May the Lord studios. “Favor doesn’t mean you won’t have pain.” We believe that it is a calling right now to come into plural marriage and there is favor upon the called, but that does not mean it is easy- quite the opposite. Now that I understand it is not feminine to be jealous it is easier for me to work through. Now that I have learned more about biblical gender roles and the biology of men and women I look at my husband not as a polygamous man, but simply a man. All men have biology designed for multiple wives though not all are given them. Knowing this grounds me, but it doesn’t stop the sore heart that no longer has this incredible man to myself.

The Lord is training my mind and it requires full submission. Some days I just fall short. Love covers my inadequacies and beckons me to keep rising with Jesus. Thankfully I have a kind husband who does not condemn me for the sadness I am experiencing. He just encourages me to obey. The last two days were a crucible, but this morning I awakened excited for what God is doing.

Husband has been saying everything we are struggling to define and understand used to just be a normal day ending in y. We are so far removed from biblical living it all seems foreign to us. Getting into alignment with Heaven is quite an undertaking! Thank God for mercy and grace, courage and strength!

 

[Joleneakamama]

What stood out to me is I view this PM as work! . I am more fearful/preoccupied when it comes to work relationships. Since learning this it has helped me process better.

That outside perspective on stuff that is just "normal" to us can be so helpful in understanding what we're dealing with!

I am not a fearful person typically so all these fears rising up have been confusing. Husband has never made me feel insecure or inadequate in his love.

I can just handle big stuff.... I have had to realize this internal stuff isn't as small as it seems.

It’s a paradigm I have no prior knowledge or scaffolding.

There really is nothing about monogamy that prepares a first and only wife for polygyny. For the husband he has another relationship to juggle, another woman to learn, but all the stuff he learned in monogamy is useful and experience that can be applied. The wife has a completely NEW relationship. Her sisterwife is not in authority over her, her sisterwife is always there and that changes everything. There is nothing in monogamy that helps you understand when you are welcome to join them in a conversation, or open the door and walk in. That is not a thing when it was just you.

We believe that it is a calling right now to come into plural marriage and there is favor upon the called,

I can absolutely say that there is favor. ..and it is sufficient.