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Prayer request Prayer request for my wife and myself

I very greatly appreciate all of the women here who understand and affirm what the Bible teaches regarding marriage (specifically the nature and roles of men and women, which includes the possibility of polygyny).

I'm sure it is an incredibly difficult hurtle to overcome. You are holding fast to the truthfulness of God's Word, and holding fast to your husband as leader, over against not only the worldly culture, the flesh (including your own doubts and fears), and the devil (and his minions), but sadly often also against friends, family members, and the erroneous teaching of most Christians.

It is hard enough for a man to stand against all that. Women are more social creatures than men, and I think the sting of disapproval, ostracism, social isolation, and shame are very difficult to bear.
 
I think the pain my wife feels is a very common one for you ladies.

She knows that the Bible does not condemn polygamy. Yet, at the same time, she is utterly appalled by the thought of it. She sees no benefits, goodness, or beauty in it, but only horror, betrayal, grief, and sadness.

She really deeply and intensely loved me and felt that we had a pretty happy marriage prior to this issue coming up some years back.

I think she still deeply lovea me, but also feels completely overwhelmed with a flood of confusing and negative emotions.

To be honest, she isn't totally against polygamy from a theological or objective standpoint. She mainly just didn't want me to ever consider it.

Knowing that I have (and may still) consider taking a second wife feels like a complete rejection of her as my wife. She feels inadequate, rejected, unloved, and betrayed. She feels totally alone.

None of her friends have a lunatic husband who sees things in the Bible that others don't. None of her friends seem to have husbands that want to "betray them" by adding another wife.

All this pain is compounded by the fact that we are childless and that she being from Japan will always feel a bit of an outsider here in the USA.

She has a hard enough time forming close friendships with other women (who all seem to be mothers). She doesn't need me adding to her grief by making her more of a social outcast.

She suffered when I/we got kicked out of our previous church. She lost most of her friends from that church, for something (doctrine of polygamy) that she doesn't even believe.

She suffers still in our present church. The leaders of our current church all know where I stand on the issue of polygamy, but won't admit the truth themselves. They regard us as fellow believers, and fellowship with us, but told me that I should not formally join the church (since I believe the Bible permits polygamy).

As the head of my family, I will not permit my wife to formally join a church that excludes me from membership.

The fact that we are not "church members" really hinders my wife's ability to serve in the church. Being Calvinisty Baptists, they take membership pretty seriously and won't allow non-members to serve in ministry (such as teaching children or music team). My wife would love to serve in those areas.

This all has dragged on far too long. I can't remain a "half way closeted" believer in Biblical marriage. I think we will have to eventually leave this church, and being conflict avoidant, I keep procrastinating.

I'm not even that serious about adding a second wife. We do have one friend that I would seriously consider marrying, but besides her, I know of no one.

Even if I never attempt to add another wife, my wife feels totally betrayed that I would have ever considered it.
 
Bartato said:
My wife and I are struggling and going round and round about polygamy. Please pray for us to understand the truth, delight in it, and submit to it. Please pray that God will empower me to lead and love properly. Please pray that He will help her to submit entirely. Please pray that we will be of one mind in following the Christ.
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I am praying that God's will is expressed in your lives and that you both find peace in it.
 
Bartato said:
I think the pain my wife feels is a very common one for you ladies.

She knows that the Bible does not condemn polygamy. Yet, at the same time, she is utterly appalled by the thought of it. She sees no benefits, goodness, or beauty in it, but only horror, betrayal, grief, and sadness.
Click to expand...
Yes, I’ve been there. Praying for you to have patience and for her to have peace. It’s a tough road for some of us.
 
Bartato said:
I think the pain my wife feels is a very common one for you ladies.

She knows that the Bible does not condemn polygamy. Yet, at the same time, she is utterly appalled by the thought of it. She sees no benefits, goodness, or beauty in it, but only horror, betrayal, grief, and sadness.
Click to expand...

Bartato said:
Knowing that I have (and may still) consider taking a second wife feels like a complete rejection of her as my wife. She feels inadequate, rejected, unloved, and betrayed. She feels totally alone.
Click to expand...

One thing that God has shown me recently is comparing these feelings that a wife would get thinking about her husband taking another wife to a believer having those same feelings about Christ adding another member to the body because that is the model we get to compare marriage to. Would one member ask why am I not enough for you? No. Christ thinks that they are special and wants them to be His and the other person is special and wants them to be His as well. Funny how the comparison can really put things into perspective.
 
Leslie Pease said:
One thing that God has shown me recently is comparing these feelings that a wife would get thinking about her husband taking another wife to a believer having those same feelings about Christ adding another member to the body because that is the model we get to compare marriage to. Would one member ask why am I not enough for you? No. Christ thinks that they are special and wants them to be His and the other person is special and wants them to be His as well. Funny how the comparison can really put things into perspective.
Click to expand...
It may be a hard analogy for someone without children too, but as a parent it was no inadequacy in our first child that caused us to want more, it was the JOY we experienced with the first that grew our hearts and made us want more.
Bartato said:
She has a hard enough time forming close friendships with other women (who all seem to be mothers). She doesn't need me adding to her grief by making her more of a social outcast.
Click to expand...
I grew up the oldest of five girls and had no brothers. We were home schooled and I was very anti-social until after I was 18. I never really had close girl friends and once married didn't have time for a social life.
Five years into a secure marriage polygyny came up. My husband was always serious and trustworthy. Once I got used to the idea I decided I would never trade the chance to have a sisterwife to share my daily life with for the approval of family and friends we can go weeks to months without seeing.

If ever you can make a retreat you find out that polygynous families are just real people....very likeable and sometimes extraordinary real people.

My story is just one....but after many years of being each other's only....I wouldn't go back if I could. I look forward to more children in our family (along with the grandbaby expected in December)....and love the new brother in our family too!
I love my husband very much, and find his new love adds another dimension to our family and fills a place in my own heart and life that I was only aware of because I believed this was possible.....I could imagine the blessings in this and hoped for many years that it wouldn't just stay forever a dream.

I don't know how to help someone see the possibility I did anymore then I know how to teach someone to play piano by ear. I think someone has to want to....and if they do then I'm pretty sure I can help 'em learn.

I am certainly praying you both grow together through this, and that you both are given wisdom and are guided by Him in this sometimes painful process of getting down to bedrock, and/or pruning out of the hearts those things that grow there....but don't profit.

When I find myself in a place of "feeling bad" (and it happens to all of us) I find it helps to shift my focus and think of others....from there I get even more joyful when I then think of God and start counting my blessings.

My dad liked to say that "Joy is an inside job" and I think Jesus explained the way to get Joy when He said if you "save your life you'll lose it, if you lose your life for His sake you find it."

Song lyrics stick in me brain... "a bell's not a bell till you ring it, a song's not a song till you sing it, and love in your heart wasn't put there to stay, love isn't love till you give it away."

The battle is real. Taking every thought captive is hugely important. If your wife knows beyond doubt that you love her, she needs to choose to stay and rest in that knowledge. If she allows doubts and judges your actions and beliefs as unloving she will put herself through endless emotional turmoil.....a hell of her own making.
Truth is freedom. Speak the truth in love.

*shrugs* just my thoughts tonight.
 
Leslie Pease said:
One thing that God has shown me recently is comparing these feelings that a wife would get thinking about her husband taking another wife to a believer having those same feelings about Christ adding another member to the body because that is the model we get to compare marriage to. Would one member ask why am I not enough for you? No. Christ thinks that they are special and wants them to be His and the other person is special and wants them to be His as well. Funny how the comparison can really put things into perspective.
Click to expand...
Yes, and I'll add a couple of thoughts. The analogy is important to understand because some religions promote themselves as the only legitimate monogamous "church" and all other churches are off limits.

As @Joleneakamama points out above, having more than one child is also a good analogy for a man taking more than one wife.

The battle for hearts can be severe for some and I know it's a big emotional battle for women who have been prone to following their emotions/heart. But it is written, He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But whoever walks wisely will be delivered (Proverbs 28:26).

Praying for you and your wife. Shalom
 
Bartato said:
I think the pain my wife feels is a very common one for you ladies.

She knows that the Bible does not condemn polygamy. Yet, at the same time, she is utterly appalled by the thought of it. She sees no benefits, goodness, or beauty in it, but only horror, betrayal, grief, and sadness.

She really deeply and intensely loved me and felt that we had a pretty happy marriage prior to this issue coming up some years back.

I think she still deeply lovea me, but also feels completely overwhelmed with a flood of confusing and negative emotions.

To be honest, she isn't totally against polygamy from a theological or objective standpoint. She mainly just didn't want me to ever consider it.

Knowing that I have (and may still) consider taking a second wife feels like a complete rejection of her as my wife. She feels inadequate, rejected, unloved, and betrayed. She feels totally alone.

None of her friends have a lunatic husband who sees things in the Bible that others don't. None of her friends seem to have husbands that want to "betray them" by adding another wife.

All this pain is compounded by the fact that we are childless and that she being from Japan will always feel a bit of an outsider here in the USA.

She has a hard enough time forming close friendships with other women (who all seem to be mothers). She doesn't need me adding to her grief by making her more of a social outcast.

She suffered when I/we got kicked out of our previous church. She lost most of her friends from that church, for something (doctrine of polygamy) that she doesn't even believe.

She suffers still in our present church. The leaders of our current church all know where I stand on the issue of polygamy, but won't admit the truth themselves. They regard us as fellow believers, and fellowship with us, but told me that I should not formally join the church (since I believe the Bible permits polygamy).

As the head of my family, I will not permit my wife to formally join a church that excludes me from membership.

The fact that we are not "church members" really hinders my wife's ability to serve in the church. Being Calvinisty Baptists, they take membership pretty seriously and won't allow non-members to serve in ministry (such as teaching children or music team). My wife would love to serve in those areas.

This all has dragged on far too long. I can't remain a "half way closeted" believer in Biblical marriage. I think we will have to eventually leave this church, and being conflict avoidant, I keep procrastinating.

I'm not even that serious about adding a second wife. We do have one friend that I would seriously consider marrying, but besides her, I know of no one.

Even if I never attempt to add another wife, my wife feels totally betrayed that I would have ever considered it.
Click to expand...
Definitely time for a new church. I imagine your wife feels a deep need to be making directly eternal contributions to the Kingdom. Ministry opportunities seem like a positive outlet for a lot of pent up desires.
 
Bartato said:
I think she still deeply lovea me, but also feels completely overwhelmed with a flood of confusing and negative emotions.
Click to expand...
Believe it or not, this time is a gift from God to your wife, a defining moment if you will. She is being asked to walk in her faith to God at a higher level and trust in her husband like never before. She doesn't have to trust God more but there will be a cost for not doing so but she will not have to deal with the fears or insecurities in her heart if she chooses this. I pray that you will have the words to lead her to trusting in God's truth above all. And may God clearly show you the true root of her biggest fear in her heart as He stirs things up in her through this truth.
 
Bartato said:
I think the pain my wife feels is a very common one for you ladies.

She knows that the Bible does not condemn polygamy. Yet, at the same time, she is utterly appalled by the thought of it. She sees no benefits, goodness, or beauty in it, but only horror, betrayal, grief, and sadness.

She really deeply and intensely loved me and felt that we had a pretty happy marriage prior to this issue coming up some years back.

I think she still deeply lovea me, but also feels completely overwhelmed with a flood of confusing and negative emotions.

To be honest, she isn't totally against polygamy from a theological or objective standpoint. She mainly just didn't want me to ever consider it.

Knowing that I have (and may still) consider taking a second wife feels like a complete rejection of her as my wife. She feels inadequate, rejected, unloved, and betrayed. She feels totally alone.

None of her friends have a lunatic husband who sees things in the Bible that others don't. None of her friends seem to have husbands that want to "betray them" by adding another wife.

All this pain is compounded by the fact that we are childless and that she being from Japan will always feel a bit of an outsider here in the USA.

She has a hard enough time forming close friendships with other women (who all seem to be mothers). She doesn't need me adding to her grief by making her more of a social outcast.

She suffered when I/we got kicked out of our previous church. She lost most of her friends from that church, for something (doctrine of polygamy) that she doesn't even believe.

She suffers still in our present church. The leaders of our current church all know where I stand on the issue of polygamy, but won't admit the truth themselves. They regard us as fellow believers, and fellowship with us, but told me that I should not formally join the church (since I believe the Bible permits polygamy).

As the head of my family, I will not permit my wife to formally join a church that excludes me from membership.

The fact that we are not "church members" really hinders my wife's ability to serve in the church. Being Calvinisty Baptists, they take membership pretty seriously and won't allow non-members to serve in ministry (such as teaching children or music team). My wife would love to serve in those areas.

This all has dragged on far too long. I can't remain a "half way closeted" believer in Biblical marriage. I think we will have to eventually leave this church, and being conflict avoidant, I keep procrastinating.

I'm not even that serious about adding a second wife. We do have one friend that I would seriously consider marrying, but besides her, I know of no one.

Even if I never attempt to add another wife, my wife feels totally betrayed that I would have ever considered it.
Click to expand...
My heart hurts for both of you. I understand the feelings of excitement when you learn a new Biblical truth and you want everyone to know and see it too. Polygyny shouldn't be a secret or a hush subject... Yet it is. ... Western mentality SMH. I also understand her feelings of being afraid and worried she will be shunned, cut off and made to feel she is unworthy..
There is however, a difference between believing something and practicing something.
When we learn something new like a new baby Christian who is on fire and wants everyone to accept Christ as savior. They have a tendency to be a little over exuberant and shove the Bible down people's throat. Poor things they just want everyone to know Christ like they do.
I remember when I came to the understanding that Polygyny is Biblical. I wanted to tell everyone this is what I believe now. ... It didn't go over really well. A lot of people pulled away and many just wouldn't speak to me anymore. I had one friend who was married and he thought "oh good now we can have sex and it is acceptable"... Yet didn't believe in Biblical Marriage therefore I wouldn't have sex with him. His wife felt threatened by me and the other married women thought I was going to try and steal their husbands. I didn't want a husband who's wife was worried i was going to steal her husband. I didn't want a husband who had a wife and had to hide me like a dirty secret. I became spiritually sober really pretty quick.
I am sharing all of this with you to maybe in someway help you... Or her to understand with anything new and uncharted knowledge there is a certain amount of excitement and exuberance. Pray for your wife, calmly and over time share what you have learned. When she says No, pray, pray with her. Asked Adonai to allow His will be done in your marriage... Whatever that is. Ask her is she will at least pray in agreement that His will, will be done. You don't have to bring Polygyny into your prayer, just seek His unfailing perfect will to be made manifest in your lives. Pray with her and asked God so she can hear you. That He will show her how much you do love her. Pray that she will have a heart to receive all the love you have to offer and that she is enough for you.
Just don't stop learning and applying and when she becomes upset say let's pray and ask God what He wants in our lives and marriage. Always take it back to the Father's will. Not your will, not Her will but His will for your lives and family.
He won't lead you wrong. Proverbs 3:5,6 (paraphrasing) Lean not on your own understanding but Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take
 
I am obviously a little behind, we will be praying for you and your wife. Is there an update?
 
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