Prospects for A Successful Polygamous Marriage?

[cnystrom]

On the one hand, my success there (and it didn't happen without intention or hard work) would indicate potential for the ability to add another wife successfully. On the other hand, why ruin a good thing if polygamy is fraught with failure?

I remember my Nana (who was married to my Grandfather for over 50 years) giving this bit of advice: Do not marry the person that you think you can live with. Marry the person that you can not live without.

How much more that is good advice for a would be polygamist!

If you can live without her, don't marry her. If you can't live without her, then you can't live without her. And you better marry her. And you might just end up a polygamist.

 

[rockfox]

I remember my Nana (who was married to my Grandfather for over 50 years) giving this bit of advice: Do not marry the person that you think you can live with. Marry the person that you can not live without.

How much more that is good advice for a would be polygamist!

If you can live without her, don't marry her. If you can't live without her, then you can't live without her. And you better marry her. And you might just end up a polygamist.

So I take it you don't endorse the Mr. Good Enough approach?

 

[rockfox]

FWIW, someone else posted that link yesterday in response to your mention of it. I just riffed on it. And I wasn't trying to advance Torah-keeping, just found the spiritual aspect of this interested; could spiritual forces, good or ill, be why so few poly marriages seem to succeed? IDK

 

[cnystrom]

So I take it you don't endorse the Mr. Good Enough approach?

I think it depends. I think marriage is a skill that can be learned. If you are young. If you are new to marriage. If you are new to plural marraige. If you are worried that your marriage may not survive, then play for the fairway. Be conservative. Avoid complcations. Work on being a good steward of what you already have.

If you are an old pro and have been married for many years. If you already have multiple wives and have beein successful at that. If your confident in the stability of your marriages, then you can be riskier and shoot for the green. You can be a little more open to who you accept into your family and maybe good enough is good enough?

I think you really need to do a clear self inventory and inventory of what your family is capable of. A good litmus test is, does it come naturally or are you forcing it? Are you on the path that God has laid out for you or are you still trampling through the wilderness?

 

[andrew]

FWIW, someone else posted that link yesterday in response to your mention of it. I just riffed on it. And I wasn't trying to advance Torah-keeping, just found the spiritual aspect of this interested; could spiritual forces, good or ill, be why so few poly marriages seem to succeed? IDK

Hmm, didn't see that. Still playing catch up, rather badly.

Wasn't aiming the Torah disclaimer at you but at the author of that site. All good.

Once we get past that, then I would agree with you that spiritual forces are real and in our culture mostly aligned against plural marriage, but I would still discourage putting the focus there, or specifically putting the blame there. We know we wrestle not with flesh and blood, and there's a bigger picture involved. But we have the Holy Spirit on our side and the witness of the scriptures and a remnant of real believers, so we have or should have everything we need.

I say this from time to time: Really understanding the depth of the matriarchal structure of our culture, which includes the corporate churches, makes changing over to real† patriarchy in western culture look more like a Muslim surrendering to Christ than a Baptist switching over to a Presbyterian church or even a Protestant converting to Catholicism.

It changes everything. A lot of people don't get that, and can't make the transition.

---------
† You don't have to be a polygamist to be a patriarch, but it helps. A lot of churches and individual church-goers think they understand 'patriarchy', but then they can't get their heads around plural marriage, so what does that tell you?...

 

[rockfox]

I say this from time to time: Really understanding the depth of the matriarchal structure of our culture, which includes the corporate churches, makes changing over to real† patriarchy in western culture look more like a Muslim surrendering to Christ than a Baptist switching over to a Presbyterian church or even a Protestant converting to Catholicism.

It changes everything. A lot of people don't get that, and can't make the transition.

I think you're right; which gives me the feeling I've only scratched the surface in my understanding of how that matriarchal structure colors everything.

 

[Brenna]

I feel drawn to polygamy. As I try to learn more I've been reading through the Real People's Stories and I must admit, I'm not encouraged about the prospect of successful polygamy.

I have a great marriage. On the one hand, my success there (and it didn't happen without intention or hard work) would indicate potential for the ability to add another wife successfully. On the other hand, why ruin a good thing if polygamy is fraught with failure?



I take it from this that most fail, and messily. Doesn't sound like a good thing. And yet,



So I am left wondering, what are the prospects for a successful polygamous marriage? How often does it go well? Where are the good examples to learn from?

The nature of people is everyone thinks they are surely the exception and will succeed; even when they very apparently are not. But how is one to objectively know they really are an exception? Or is that an overcautious approach?

Now don't mistake this for a 'polygamy is wrong because some polygamous relationships fail'. Or a MGTOW thing. Rather, I tend to take a system's view of things, evaluate risk and consider the million different ways something could go wrong. Which can be rather negative, so I am trying to gain a balanced perspective.

[mods: I wasn't sure which forum to put this in, feel free to move as appropriate.]

Something like half of all monogamous marriages end in divorce, but that hasn't ended monogamy. People just do the best they can in marriage we are never completely successful or completely failures.

I personally want so much to give my husband the ability to have another wife, a younger wife maybe, but not necessarily to have any more children at this stage of his life. They only hesitation is my own immaturity, selfishness, insecurity and jealousy maybe when he officially retires and we have a year or so alone first. I so much want to rise to the occasion, but desire and reality are often on different timetables.

 

[NickF]

Thank you @Brenna as I’d never seen this thread. I need to read through the whole thing but skipped to the end to thank whoever resurrected it. I have a feeling I’m going to nominate it for best of the forum.