It seems to me that there a stages in accepting PM. For men, you either accept it and go with it and deal with whatever that process brings. But, for women, it appears there are two basic steps, but even these are done in stages.
For a woman it seems that accepting it as a possibility is the first step, and its gradual tolerability in ones mind. The second stage is accepting PM in real life, both for first wives and any other position. Once a woman says she will accept it in theory, there is still the possibility that reality will force her to change her mind.
I could be wrong but it doesn't appear that PM relationships go wrong because the husband made a mistake in deciding to have PM relationship, but that the wife, or wives have issues that keep them from functioning correctly in the relationship.
Do others see this or am I missing something?
Hi there.
Just my own perspective here on the question.
The men I know who are into PM do it for a few different reasons:
1. Tradition. They were born into it (like my husband) and they never considered NOT being poly at some point in their life.
2. They want a lot of children and PM is sometimes the best way to make this happen.
2a. Something I've personally observed is the childless couple who desire a second wife mostly to serve as a surrogate. I'm not so certain this is a great idea for the second wife because she's just needed to provide a baby. I'm also not so sure it's great idea for the first wife who's going to have to deal with the emotional issues of watching her husband have a baby with someone else when she can't do that herself.
3. Dominant men (sometimes known as bullies) like to surround themselves with women and children they can boss around.
4. The very rare and elusive man who does it for sincerely held religious reasons.
5. Others.
I don't see any problems with the men accepting this once they decide to commit to it.
The women I know do it for other reasons.
1. Tradition. They were born into it and they don't consider any alternatives...even if it would make them happier.
2. Like Cap said, they have 'baggage' and PM is an answer for them. It was for me.
3. They like having other women in the household. One of my SW is definitely this person and she's openly bi and PM has been nothing but joy for her.
4. Security. Some women seek out PM because they find a kind of security by marrying into an established family. The husband is already a proven provider and if there's kids then he's also a proven family man.
5. Security. Some single mothers accept PM as a way to provide themselves and their children with a safe, stable home.
6. Others.
As to the acceptance for the women? Some are accepting of it before they even start. Then there's others, like myself I'm sure, who choose it for their own combination of reasons and their acceptance comes over time.