The Children's Opinion...

[Ramona]

Long story short:
We have three awesome children, 11, 7, & 3. The oldest is our only Princess, our daughter. In the beginning of our journey into PM last year we sat down with her and had a conversation about it & us. Her response was excitement. "Like Jacob & Moses!" It was exciting for us that she was so thrilled about having another Mommy.

Fast Forward- We found a wonderful woman who was set to come & ended up not coming, but getting back together with her ex. This was painful for DH & myself. DD saw this & was also sad.

This week she heard DH & I discussing PM & her response broke our hearts. She shut down the rest of the evening and spent the evening journaling. We sat down with her to discuss her feelings... She doesn't want to be different. She doesn't want us to divorce. She doesn't want "it" at all. Why do we have to have someone else come into our family? We tried our best to make sure she is functioning on facts. But this was incredibly hard. We aren't divorcing, Daddy still & will always love Mommy & her! As followers of Christ we are called to be different, set apart.

This was so heartbreaking for us. I need advice as to how to move forward. Am I wrong in thinking children shouldn't be a deciding factor? We want her to be happy & have a happy childhood! Do we move forward or stop now? I know you all will likely have a better view of solutions, my emotions are very caught up in her feelings. A mother's heart is not entirely her own. I thank you all in advance for your opinions!

 

[FollowingHim2]

First of all, she's a teenager, her emotions will be up and down. She may be ok with it later, through nothing that anyone says to her, just because. But in saying that, she has had time to come to grips with what it really means, how your family will actually be different.

My family is different. People look at us differently. Not because there are two wives, but because I have 4 children, a no-no in this day and age apparently. Unless you stick to the perfect little American family then your family will be different in some way, even if it's not through having a second wife.

She may not like the theory of it right now, but give it time. When the right woman comes along I'm sure she'll really like her and want her to stick around.

It's a good thing she's writing all her feelings down, rather than bottling them all up. Let her talk about it as much as possible, let her write about it as much as possible. Get her filled up in God and listening for His will.

*disclaimer: My oldest child is 5, I have no idea what to do with teenagers or 'tweens' lol. But good luck!

 

[julieb]

We have four children in our plural family. They all grew up in this structure of family so I haven't personally had to deal with introducing our children to it but we have had to deal with talking about how our family is different in some ways to other families. We have tried to explain our beliefs in reference to holding any kind of belief that goes against the majority as something that requires "cost". We as Christians are more and more becoming the minority in America. As Christians we will encourage our kids to understand the differences of being a Christian in the World and the costs that might have for them. Plural marriage is just one aspect of that belief system. We also have tried to be honest about our own struggles with the cost it has brought and also talk about the blessings of following God in his truth. We as parents will teach many difficult "life lessons" to our children, this will just be another one for plural families.

Personally, with my son, I had to make a faith decision to trust that God would help his father and me to deal with any anger that might arise as he grew up and became more aware of the differences in his family. So far we as a family have had a pretty normal life and the few friends my son has told could care less. But as the kids get to the age of thinking about marriage it could get more complicated with the in-laws and things. It will be another chance for us to lean on our Lord and trust in His divine plan for our family. Each family will have their own way of handling this topic but I am confident in knowing that God will work with in all those different ways to bring Glory to His name.

One more thing, I would highly recommend bring the kids to a family retreat that we have in the summer time. Seeing other children who have families as "strange" as theirs and that they are normal kids is really helpful.

 

[Ramona]

Thank you both! Hopefully we will get to come to the next retreat. I thought the same thing, it might help (all of us) to meet and get to know other families with multiple wives.

 

[sola scriptura]

My answer will not be one that encourages, but it will be part of the truth of plural marriage. Our oldest three children were in their mid to late teens when we began talking to them about polygyny. They were never really receptive, but didn't consider it wrong, since we had taken the time to explain it from a biblical perspective.

As time went by and as family and friends became aware of our belief and practice of polygyny, the road became too difficult for our older children and the price was too high for them to pay. They eventually withdrew themselves from our family and cut off all but the most basic communication. They now consider the belief and practice of polygny to be a terrible sin against God and consider us to be in rebellion against God.

It isn't a pretty picture, but it is an accurate one. Older children who aren't accustomed to the concept of polygyny may have a very difficult time embracing or even accepting it. just accepting PM as a belief is far easier for a family member to acknowledge, but accepting the practice of PM is very, very challenging, as it will affect every aspect of the family's life for as long as their is more than one wife in the family.

I hope this post isn't too discouraging, but I wanted to be honest and forthright about the potential difficulties that may come your way.

Katie