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The Long-Distance Wife

crsivils

crsivils

Member
Male
Here's a question I've been wrestling with and could use some helpful comments on... How biblical is the long distance wife?

Recognizing that the original intent and purpose of taking a wife (biblically) is to produce offspring with her, but also taking into account Proverbs 31 - what are some alternative situations which could be considered equally valid (biblical)? In light of polygyny and what it has to offer modern America, how do we approach the career woman who has a good head on her shoulders? Is willingness to have children directly proportional to how good of a wife she would be? What about health issues?

Specifically, is it even biblical to be "married" to someone who has a completely different walk of life? Let me give an example:

A certain man has a large homestead and a large family with multiple wives. His mission is building a self sufficient property while offering quality goods and services to the community. He is quickly becoming a very powerful man. All of his wives and children work closely together to further the needs of the homestead - except for one. This one wife dwells in the city and has a high-paying job, and she only uses the home property as a retreat or vacation home. Although she recognizes her man's authority and runs all of her major decisions through him, she lives hundreds of miles away and has no desire to "move in" with the family or to become a mother. She and the man have a mutual agreement on this; they still have frequent visits and communication, but with no plans to change their lifestyles to mesh with each other in any way. She considers herself as part of the family, but otherwise lives a very independent life.

Now, I recognize that this situation could only really work in today's electronic communication culture - but that's where we are right now. Networking and family have much different connotations than what they did centuries ago.

I would love to hear all kinds of opinions and thoughts, but please remember the main point - is it biblical?
 
crsivils said:
Recognizing that the original intent and purpose of taking a wife (biblically) is to produce offspring with her, but also taking into account Proverbs 31 - what are some alternative situations which could be considered equally valid (biblical)? In light of polygyny and what it has to offer modern America, how do we approach the career woman who has a good head on her shoulders? Is willingness to have children directly proportional to how good of a wife she would be? What about health issues?

Specifically, is it even biblical to be "married" to someone who has a completely different walk of life?
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Great post!

I take issue with the masculinity preachers who claim the intent and purpose of a woman is breeding. They are narrow-minded. A purpose of a woman is breeding, but that rolls up with all the other potential she was created to have. The intent and purpose of a woman is to be a helpmeet to the man. (Gen 2:18) That is the basis from which all else follows regarding her purpose. After that, the woman was subjugated to man, and he was made to rule her. (Gen 3:16) Therefore, it is entirely up to her own husband and not up to herself or anyone else to determine for her what form her help is to take.

Based upon that simple principle, my conclusion is that there is zero limit on what situations could be considered valid for her, so long as it is the husband's will. Some would be best, some worse, but none Scripturally invalid. A husband, as with any leader, would be wise to match his people to their strengths, but even if he is not wise, her place is simply wherever he puts her. I do not know of a Biblical reference in contradiction to this. The passage in Titus might appear to restrain a husband to a decision tree of only one branch, but I'm pretty sure it is a plea to wisdom and not a command from God. (Titus 2:3-5)

With that in mind, the normal wise practice would be to place her over domestic affairs. However, each man should know his own women, and each man is solely responsible for how things turn out in his own kingdom. Your Proverbs reference does a lot to poke holes in the hot air bubble that is the "tradfem" doctrine.

A woman who doesn't want to have children would be unsuitable for a lot of men, but not all. That level of willingness doesn't make her intrinsically a better or worse wife, but probably is a great test for whether or not she would be a good wife for you. Remember that children are born of a husband's will. (John 1:13) As far as I know, there is no law that says every wife must bear children.

The same principle applies to health issues or any other characteristic. The woman should suit you, and no one else should be concerned. Nabal's wife was the death of him, so to speak, but to David she was highly valuable. She was suited for David but ill-suited for Nabal. (1 Sam 25)

So, bearing all of that in mind, I can say confidently that it is Biblically valid to have a wife who walks a completely different life, even one far away. That arrangement would not suit many men, but for some it would be more than adequate. I have a distant neighbor who's wife is foreign. He owns a multinational business, thanks to her. She is with him sometimes, at other times she manages his business affairs abroad among a people foreign to him but native to her, but at all times she honors God with her obedience to her husband. For him, she is the perfect wife. She is serving him faithfully as he determined she should.

crsivils said:
Now, I recognize that this situation could only really work in today's electronic communication culture - but that's where we are right now. Networking and family have much different connotations than what they did centuries ago.
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I don't think long-distance marriage is all that modern. Recall men of old who spent months or years away from home while their wives managed all of their affairs with only letters exchanged in the meantime: travelling merchants, soldiers, sailors, explorers. All modern technology has done is cater to our impatience and fear. Men and women of old did the same just as or more commonly, and with much greater faith and patience.
 
crsivils said:
She considers herself as part of the family, but otherwise lives a very independent life.
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crsivils said:
is it biblical?
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In the absence of ANY specific Scriptural instruction to the contrary, I would contend that the question boils down to...how is it NOT?

And I'm also open to suggestions if I've missed anything, but I can't think of any, provided she behaves as a wife should in their time of separation, which sounds like the implication.
 
Now, as to personal OPINION, it sounds like a great option, and it's one I've considered for myself/us, for here, and for such a time as this, as well:

We are definitely "out in the boondocks." As a practical matter alone, it may take a potential wife, almost certainly established in "another location," time, planning, effort, and so on, to sell/close property, leave employment, deal with other family issues, you name it, in order to eventually plan on a move to the "off-grid bugout location."

Meanwhile (and this grows more important by the day, I suggest) she has an option. And knows where to head when TSHTF. And hopefully before the roads close.
 
Is it Biblical for a physical head and a physical rib to live hundreds of miles apart? Does that seem like a "one flesh" union?
 
Bartato said:
Is it Biblical for a physical head and a physical rib to live hundreds of miles apart? Does that seem like a "one flesh" union?
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I don't so. Maybe temporary.

I don't see long term reason. For business purposes you have hire agent like distributor.

And why marriage if you going to minimize boinking wife?
 
MemeFan said:
I don't so. Maybe temporary.

I don't see long term reason. For business purposes you have hire agent like distributor.

And why marriage if you going to minimize boinking wife?
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That's what it seems like to me as well. It might be somewhat acceptable as a temporary thing (similar to war), but seems contrary to the concept of marriage as a permanent state.

How will the man and woman have regular sexual relations? We are told in 1st Corinthians 7 that we are to have regular relations.

I'd also argue that a woman choosing to marry is choosing to bear children (generally speaking, menopause, and infertility being exceptions).

This doesn't sound like a good situation.
 
crsivils said:
Here's a question I've been wrestling with and could use some helpful comments on... How biblical is the long distance wife?

Recognizing that the original intent and purpose of taking a wife (biblically) is to produce offspring with her, but also taking into account Proverbs 31 - what are some alternative situations which could be considered equally valid (biblical)? In light of polygyny and what it has to offer modern America, how do we approach the career woman who has a good head on her shoulders? Is willingness to have children directly proportional to how good of a wife she would be? What about health issues?

Specifically, is it even biblical to be "married" to someone who has a completely different walk of life? Let me give an example:

A certain man has a large homestead and a large family with multiple wives. His mission is building a self sufficient property while offering quality goods and services to the community. He is quickly becoming a very powerful man. All of his wives and children work closely together to further the needs of the homestead - except for one. This one wife dwells in the city and has a high-paying job, and she only uses the home property as a retreat or vacation home. Although she recognizes her man's authority and runs all of her major decisions through him, she lives hundreds of miles away and has no desire to "move in" with the family or to become a mother. She and the man have a mutual agreement on this; they still have frequent visits and communication, but with no plans to change their lifestyles to mesh with each other in any way. She considers herself as part of the family, but otherwise lives a very independent life.

Now, I recognize that this situation could only really work in today's electronic communication culture - but that's where we are right now. Networking and family have much different connotations than what they did centuries ago.

I would love to hear all kinds of opinions and thoughts, but please remember the main point - is it biblical?
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I believe that you have pretty well defined a form of concubine wife.
I see nothing at all non-Biblical about it. It’s just not everyone’s cup of tea.
 
Bartato said:
Is it Biblical for a physical head and a physical rib to live hundreds of miles apart? Does that seem like a "one flesh" union?
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If you are correct at all in this regard, you would have to deny my marriages.

I am an over the road truck driver, I go where the loads take me. It’s been weeks, sometimes months at a time that I don’t get home.
Last year was our worst ever, I got home exactly once during the year, and that was one that I forced so that we could attend the BibFam retreat in the summer.
Presently I have taken a driving job that was advertised to get me home every week. Suuure….a couple of times it has stretched into three weeks separation.

We thank Yah for the blessing of cell phones.

(We are a bit older, we have no children in the house.)
 
steve said:
If you are correct at all in this regard, you would have to deny my marriages.

I am an over the road truck driver, I go where the loads take me. It’s been weeks, sometimes months at a time that I don’t get home.
Last year was our worst ever, I got home exactly once during the year, and that was one that I forced so that we could attend the BibFam retreat in the summer.
Presently I have taken a driving job that was advertised to get me home every week. Suuure….a couple of times it has stretched into three weeks separation.

We thank Yah for the blessing of cell phones.

(We are a bit older, we have no children in the house.)
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I don't deny that your marriages are lawful in the eyes of the Lord.

I think that being apart that much is a big negative. I imagine you know that far better than I do. I'm suggesting that it is generally Biblically inadvisable, but that's different than Biblically prohibited.

Sometimes that's life. A man has to make a living.
 
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frederick said:
Equally, is it biblical for a husband to leave his wife/wives and children for long periods while he does a tour of duty? Just asking... .
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Personally, I'm leaning more toward the libertarian side of things here. "If it fits, it ships, for a low, flat, rate." I see potential pitfalls that come along with separation, but I can't in good conscience condemn the life choice entirely - especially if the house is actually "in order".
 
crsivils said:
Personally, I'm leaning more toward the libertarian side of things here. "If it fits, it ships, for a low, flat, rate." I see potential pitfalls that come along with separation, but I can't in good conscience condemn the life choice entirely - especially if the house is actually "in order".
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I'm of the same opinion.
 
crsivils said:
Specifically, is it even biblical to be "married" to someone who has a completely different walk of life?
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Why not? My husband Steve was a paving/building contractor who more or less worked for other people. He met Christie who, against the wishes of Steve's first wife Shari, encouraged Steve to become his own boss. Steve was blue collar and Christie was from a completely different universe. But Christie complemented Steve and supported him in ways that Shari could not.

Shari eventually divorced and left Steve. Steve went on to become very successful in business especially with Christie managing the money and teaching Steve how to better manage and leverage his money.

If the two people can come together to make their different abilities and talents into a testimony to God then why not?
 
I thought sex was the "right" of the woman. When she wanted children or even had the desire for husband, she could not be deprived. Practically though i understand the man driving that bus.
 
MeganC said:
Why not? My husband Steve was a paving/building contractor who more or less worked for other people. He met Christie who, against the wishes of Steve's first wife Shari, encouraged Steve to become his own boss. Steve was blue collar and Christie was from a completely different universe. But Christie complemented Steve and supported him in ways that Shari could not.

Shari eventually divorced and left Steve. Steve went on to become very successful in business especially with Christie managing the money and teaching Steve how to better manage and leverage his money.

If the two people can come together to make their different abilities and talents into a testimony to God then why not?
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That seems different than what crsivils is asking about. Steve and Christie were from different walks of life, but their paths came together, and a new path was forged. That is wonderful! I know Christie was a dear friend to you, and it sounds like she was also a great help meet to Steve.

In the situation crsivils is asking about, it seems like the woman may not really want to join the man's family, or only wants to join it part time.

When you married Steve it wouldn't have made sense for you to stay in California permanently, while he and his family lived elsewhere.

Again - I'm not saying that the Bible prohibits what he is asking about. I'm saying it normally doesn't fit well practically.
 
The question wasn’t “Is this a good idea?”

The question was “Is it Biblical?”
 
steve said:
The question wasn’t “Is this a good idea?”

The question was “Is it Biblical?”
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There's more to the Bible than "Thou shall nots". There's also practical wisdom.

Biblically speaking, "this is not a good idea". For example, it makes the regular intercourse discussed in 1 Cor. 7 difficult.
 
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