Thoughts on semi-secret polygamy

[indigenouspolygynist]

What are your thoughts on keeping a polygamous marriage secret, or at least not advertised? Has anyone here approached it this way? I'd rather be completely open about it, but I'm concerned about potential social problems this may cause the women or my kids.

Here are two approaches I've considered:

- Simply stating, "This is X. She lives with us." Nothing dishonest here. No reason to expound on this. There are plenty of reasons a person may be living with a family, and it's really not anyone else's business. We could be more up front with people who are closer to us.

- Calling the second wife a nanny. My wife also had this idea separately. I don't love this idea because it feels too dishonest, and I expect someone will catch us doing some PDA at some point and assume I'm having an affair.


Honestly, I think people who already know us will probably be understanding. We're still the same people we've always been. Our values haven't changed. But if we introduce ourselves as a throuple whenever we meet someone new, they may not want to take the time to get to know us. I think most people would be understanding if they really knew us.

 

[MemeFan]

Man, there is reason concept of privacy exists.

You don't have to share everything with world.

Sometimes, it's even unwanted. Why would you want to share details of your sex life with your parents? Or even wors, your children?

 

[bigonlife1981]

I think it is really a discussion for the three involved and to see where each persons heart is at and what each is overly sensitive too and then you as there head can help decide whats best for the family.

If I was in that position I personally would want it open and honest but not advertised or in peoples faces, as in this is us, you can take it or leave it but I am not going to shove it in your face intentionally either.

I am not a fan of calling the second wife a Nanny as to me that dishonours her position to more like a side chick rather than wife, this is nuanced though as in if it meant that you live somewhere that you could lose your lively hood because they found out this may be a good cover.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

Man, there is reason concept of privacy exists.

You don't have to share everything with world.

Sometimes, it's even unwanted. Why would you want to share details of your sex life with your parents? Or even wors, your children?

I agree, but it would be difficult to keep something like this completely private. People may wonder why we live together and things like that. I'm just wondering how other people have navigated this.

It would be especially difficult if we decided to have a baby. That would be a tough decision because it would very much limit how private we could be on this subject.

I think it is really a discussion for the three involved and to see where each persons heart is at and what each is overly sensitive too and then you as there head can help decide whats best for the family.

I agree. I think it will probably mostly be F2's decision if she decides to
join our family. I'd support whatever decision she's comfortable with, and that may evolve over time. She may want to keep it private, or she may want to be public about it because she doesn't want to feel like a second class spouse. It would affect her more than it would me.

If I was in that position I personally would want it open and honest but not advertised or in peoples faces, as in this is us, you can take it or leave it but I am not going to shove it in your face intentionally either.

I think this would be my preference also.

I am not a fan of calling the second wife a Nanny as to me that dishonours her position to more like a side chick rather than wife, this is nuanced though as in if it meant that you live somewhere that you could lose your lively hood because they found out this may be a good cover.

I agree completely. I don't want to treat her differently, but she may decide she wants to be private about it. I'm interested in hearing from people who've tried to keep it private to see how it went for them.

 

[julieb]

Our family has done different things over the years due to changing circumstances. The general idea was one of "it really isn't anyone's business" especially if we didn't know them well. We did all agree that telling family was important since we hoped that at some point it would be a place for us to be truly who we were with them. Once our church leadership learned of my husband's intentions towards the single lady in our church things blew up socially for us. Some folks did have the character to ask us in person but most just listened to the church leaders and wrote us off as deceived. God was kind to us and provided a few friends who still talked with us even when they didn't truly understand at the beginning what it all meant. We did do a few things separately as wives to have different areas that we could be known as "his" wife. We didn't lie to anyone but didn't also share "all" of our situation with others in our town.

We have known several families who were completely up front with anyone they meet in their lives. They tended to be older families who didn't have the burden of young children to think about. Not to say that families with young children can't be this way, the cost must be counted ahead of time though and having a talk with the children about the principles supporting that way of living.

In the end, every plural family has to walk each day with wisdom, and the husband must make these decisions with much prayer and seeking God's instruction regarding it.

It can be a lonely road and that is why having the availability of meeting other like-minded families at a retreat is really important to us. It helps us not feel so alone, and we get to encourage and learn from each other.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

Our family has done different things over the years due to changing circumstances. The general idea was one of "it really isn't anyone's business" especially if we didn't know them well. We did all agree that telling family was important since we hoped that at some point it would be a place for us to be truly who we were with them. Once our church leadership learned of my husband's intentions towards the single lady in our church things blew up socially for us. Some folks did have the character to ask us in person but most just listened to the church leaders and wrote us off as deceived. God was kind to us and provided a few friends who still talked with us even when they didn't truly understand at the beginning what it all meant. We did do a few things separately as wives to have different areas that we could be known as "his" wife. We didn't lie to anyone but didn't also share "all" of our situation with others in our town.

Hi Julie, thank you for sharing your experience with me. It seems like a very messy thing to navigate. We're not very active in church right now, so that may give us a little more breathing room. (I'd like to be, but it's incredibly difficult to find healthy churches these days that prioritize the bible over politics and non-biblical traditions.) If we do end up going down this path, I may ask my wife to reach out to you. There's definitely going to be some difficult issues.

We have known several families who were completely up front with anyone they meet in their lives. They tended to be older families who didn't have the burden of young children to think about. Not to say that families with young children can't be this way, the cost must be counted ahead of time though and having a talk with the children about the principles supporting that way of living.

We have several young children, so that will also complicate things. I'm not sure we'd be able to hide this from the neighbors. We might just have to fully embrace it. I think anyone who actually knows us will be understanding because they know our character. I hope that we can get to know people before we tell them about our situation so they don't automatically assume there's some kind of abuse or deviancy involved.

In the end, every plural family has to walk each day with wisdom, and the husband must make these decisions with much prayer and seeking God's instruction regarding it.

It can be a lonely road and that is why having the availability of meeting other like-minded families at a retreat is really important to us. It helps us not feel so alone, and we get to encourage and learn from each other.

I don't know if we'll ever make it to the meetups, but maybe we'll find some like minded people online that we can stay in contact with. Our lives are already very lonely though. We don't have much of a relationship with either of our families and we haven't been able to find a church where we can thrive. Our values are often at odds with the evangelical community in the US. It's been very discouraging. I have a few close friends that I've made outside the church, and I don't think my relationship with them would change if I take on a second spouse because they know me well.

I really appreciate everyone who's reached out to me here. I hope we can find some community here and perhaps develop some lasting friendships.