@TheFirstWife, I want you to know that I strongly suspected you had signed up to the forum, and deliberately left this thread open, not locking it yet, in order to allow you the opportunity to respond. Because this is so one-sided. I am responding to your posts so quickly because we expected a response from you, and have been watching the forum for it. Now I shall lock the thread, to prevent it descending into an unproductive debate.
Whenever we have a woman reporting such a situation, we have a very delicate balance to find. We are speaking to the person who posted, and know very well that what they are saying may not be entirely correct. However, from their perspective and in their own mind, it is correct. We must offer advice based on the information available, and to support the person who has come to us for help. Would you prefer we said absolutely nothing to a hurting woman who has described her perspective of the position she is in, just in case some details are wrong? Should we ignore all cries for help until we have heard a fully accurate perspective from both sides? We cannot do that. Rather, we must work with the information we have to hand, while recognising that information may not be fully accurate.
As a result, I have both stated that the information is one-sided (as you have pointed out), and offered advice and opinion based on all the information available to me (as you have also pointed out). The same goes for most other people responding to Hartley.
Remember too that this is an internet forum. We had no way of contacting your family to find out your perspective, until Hartley shared personally identifying information today. You will also see that we repeatedly asked Hartley to invite both you and your husband to connect with the people here, on the forum or otherwise. We wanted to hear both sides, and to offer advice and support to all involved. Had this happened, both sides would have been heard much earlier, and the situation today that has upset you would have never occurred. I also note that you signed up for the forum on Feb 12, over a week ago, and have had ample opportunity to clarify the situation since then but have chosen not to until today. I wish you and your husband had contacted us sooner, but I could not make that happen.
As soon as I saw your personal details, I deleted them, for obvious reasons. I am not believing Hartley's account, nor am I believing your own. All that we know for sure is that something messy happened, it's none of our business, but any future woman coming into your family (or man wishing to marry Hartley, for that matter), would want to investigate this thoroughly. In case Hartley's account is largely correct, I have left the bare minimum information up that would allow someone who was approached by your family to recognise that this MAY refer to you, and ask appropriate questions. In case her account is incorrect, and to avoid the risk of anyone being accused of defamation, I have ensured that you cannot be found and identified using just those details - there will be many people with your initials in that wide locality, so they don't personally identify you.
This is a delicate balancing act. I would never claim to act perfectly, I am a human. I am trying to find the right balance that will help to protect women from abuse while retaining the privacy of families. If you wish to discuss this further contact me at
samuel@biblicalfamilies.org.