General Women my age

[Brenna]

Welcome to biblical families!

There is no wrong way to do an introduction.
You did great and also explained what brought you here.

I was the one who brought the idea up to my husband about 22 years ago. At first he had a hard time understanding how I could be ok with "sharing him" since men are not wired to share their wives sexually. With polygyny you really MUST recognize those differences in male and female nature and roles. It is vital that you don't judge each other based on your own emotions and what "feels right" to you, but on what the Bible has to say.

I am 50 and my husband has a wife now (since 2022) that is a fair bit younger. She has a son from a previous relationship that is 8 and now they have a daughter together who is 10 months. I'm happy to be back in the baby stages....even as we have grandchildren.

I hope you enjoy the site....and that you and your husband grow closer from exploring your beliefs together.

Thank you! What an inspiration you are to me my friend!

 

[paterfamilias]

I wish I were younger to be the new one!

There are unique pressures on each of the roles within polygamy.
A first wife thinks she is being replaced...she is not, a second wife thinks she is lesser to the first wife because she doesn't have the years of bonding and building with their husband...she is not. A third...a fourth etc. We may need @MeganC to comment as to the common thinking of the ladies in tertiary on forward pole position. I certainly know that I have encountered a double fist full of women who are Only interested in being a 3rd or more wife. That they don't wish to have the perceived pressure of being one of the first two.

 

[NickF]

There are unique pressures on each of the roles within polygamy.
A first wife thinks she is being replaced...she is not,

Even if she understands she isn’t being replaced, she will still be dealing with the fear of being found wanting compared to the “new shiny toy”. The often times younger wife is going to likely be in better physical shape, and have some characteristics that are likely to cause feelings of inadequacy in the first wife. It’s important to acknowledge and understand that reality and deal with the feelings. Her worth is not tied up in how she looks. She has intrinsic worth, so does any subsequent wife. But the vast majority of my wife’s worth is found in the trust I have in her. In her longstanding relationship that has gone through a refiner’s fire and come out the other side with dross removed. We know each other intimately and deeply.

a second wife thinks she is lesser to the first wife because she doesn't have the years of bonding and building with their husband...she is not.

I’m sorry to be blunt but this is simply naive or delusional. A second new wife is absolutely not equal in value to one you have decades of history with. Decades to build a strong foundation and trust with. A new wife is equal in her intrinsic worth yes, but flat out equal…. No way.

If I take a second one day the second will be very valuable or else I wouldn’t choose her. But she will not start out on equal footing because we won’t have 15+ years of intimacy and relationship built.

A third...a fourth etc. We may need @MeganC to comment as to the common thinking of the ladies in tertiary on forward pole position. I certainly know that I have encountered a double fist full of women who are Only interested in being a 3rd or more wife. That they don't wish to have the perceived pressure of being one of the first two.

They know that coming in as a third has dramatically less responsibility tied up. Additionally they would have the advantage of knowing the man has proven himself capable of handling the extra pressures of plurality. They demonstrate wisdom by saying the position of third is desirable.

 

[paterfamilias]

Even if she understands she isn’t being replaced, she will still be dealing with the fear of being found wanting compared to the “new shiny toy”. The often times younger wife is going to likely be in better physical shape, and have some characteristics that are likely to cause feelings of inadequacy in the first wife. It’s important to acknowledge and understand that reality and deal with the feelings. Her worth is not tied up in how she looks. She has intrinsic worth, so does any subsequent wife. But the vast majority of my wife’s worth is found in the trust I have in her. In her longstanding relationship that has gone through a refiner’s fire and come out the other side with dross removed. We know each other intimately and deeply.

Correct and same here

I’m sorry to be blunt but this is simply naive or delusional. A second new wife is absolutely not equal in value to one you have decades of history with. Decades to build a strong foundation and trust with. A new wife is equal in her intrinsic worth yes, but flat out equal…. No way.

There in lies the difficulty. You are functionally correct. There is that sticking point of trying to make sure one is able to walk that tight rope of making sure that they are aware of their value within the family and that their worth is not lower while at the same time getting them to understand that gaining all of the same level of context, trust, inside jokes, shared joy and strife etc etc etc. Please take my word that this has potential to be a bit of a minefield.

I think this one will come back to the point where so many of these topics come back to in the end...communication. It has to be covered in advance and everyone has to be on the same page as well as going in with good will.

They know that coming in as a third has dramatically less responsibility tied up. Additionally they would have the advantage of knowing the man has proven himself capable of handling the extra pressures of plurality. They demonstrate wisdom by saying the position of third is desirable.

Seems lazy to me. A brilliant and warm hearted woman should step up and help iron out all my remaining creases and imperfections. Come on ladies...step right up, no slackers. Don't wait till I an not at least slightly challenging

 

[MeganC]

There are unique pressures on each of the roles within polygamy.
A first wife thinks she is being replaced...she is not, a second wife thinks she is lesser to the first wife because she doesn't have the years of bonding and building with their husband...she is not. A third...a fourth etc. We may need @MeganC to comment as to the common thinking of the ladies in tertiary on forward pole position. I certainly know that I have encountered a double fist full of women who are Only interested in being a 3rd or more wife. That they don't wish to have the perceived pressure of being one of the first two.

Just speaking for myself here, okay? Good.

Let me start by saying that one thing I have gained over the years is an abiding respect for the First Wives who took a big risk and married a man when he was just starting out. They did not know how this was going to go yet they had faith and they took a major step by trusting the man they loved. Then they did the hard work of starting a household and a family all on their own while their husband was working.

For myself I wasn't so much interested in specifically being a third wife as I ended up being impressed by a family that was already practicing poly with two wives and kids with both wives. If that makes sense.

If it had come up at the time I may have been open to being a 4th or 5th wife. What mattered to me the most was that I had visited couples who were interested in being poly and from my point of view that wasn't a sure thing.

When Christie reached out to me I was more interested because 1) she wasn't the man seeking me out and 2) she came from a family that was already proven to make poly work for them. Joining her family was from my perspective less of a risk than joining a couple who might later on change their minds about poly. Seems I made a good decision.

Having been in the role of a first wife I'll still say that this was not the same as the women who started out alone. I've never had to go it alone with the family. Ever. So while I have some understanding of what it takes to be the person everyone looks to for wisdom (I hope I have!) it just isn't the same experience as the awesome women who do this on their own for so many years.

Now I'm not a wife at all. This is also a different experience. I'm still sort of in leadership in the family but I can see my role is less than before and that's fine. It is what it is. Things change.

 

[NickF]

How in the world I misread you I have no idea. Apologies, I could have sworn I read the word "equal". I feel stupid now.

There in lies the difficulty. You are functionally correct. There is that sticking point of trying to make sure one is able to walk that tight rope of making sure that they are aware of their value within the family and that their worth is not lower while at the same time getting them to understand that gaining all of the same level of context, trust, inside jokes, shared joy and strife etc etc etc. Please take my word that this has potential to be a bit of a minefield.

I think we agree and I misunderstood you or read into what you wrote. I thought you were espousing a viewpoint that a second was equal in value and worth across the board, responsibilities and trust etc... I should have just kept my fingers to myself and not let them near the keyboard With that apology done. (See everyone, I am an acerbic ass sometimes)

Their worth is functionally and rationally lower because those years of trust have not been established. HOWEVER that does not mean they are without worth or value. The second or subsequent needs to know and understand that the simple fact of being chosen imparts a TREMENDOUS amount of worth. I having been chosen by God to be in relationship with Him have been endowed with infinite worth and value because of His choice, and His acceptance, not by anything I bring to the table. Similarly if I ever take a second wife she too is immediately imbued with a great deal of worth and value because I chose her. Her skills, attitude, abilities, beauty etc are valuable of course, but her worth is not tied up in that. She would not cease to be worthy if she got sick and couldn't contribute.

To come back to the analogy of my worth to God. I will always have a set worth because of His choice. But I can strive to be useful by seeking to advance His will, and be about His business here on earth. Similarly a wife if she's a good one will not dwell on her lack of functional worth and trust. She will if she's wise, dwell on the fact I chose her, and seek to serve my will for the home, family, business and anything else I am invested in. Just as I strive to serve my Lord and in doing so work out some value to Him by my service, a good wife will do the same.

I think this one will come back to the point where so many of these topics come back to in the end...communication. It has to be covered in advance and everyone has to be on the same page as well as going in with good will.

Abso-freakin-lutely. A focus on seeking the good for the other (1 Cor. 10:24), assuming the best, keeping clear and open communication, with the husband setting clear and well defined boundaries and expectations before any marriage is established.

Seems lazy to me. A brilliant and warm hearted woman should step up and help iron out all my remaining creases and imperfections.

Humans are inherently lazy. We all seek the easier path. If a woman has two options, both men are equally attractive, charming, funny, wealthy, intelligent etc... but marriage to one of them will mean an "easier" life, of course she will choose the easier life.

Again, I apologize for my misunderstanding and assery.

 

[Brenna]

There are unique pressures on each of the roles within polygamy.
A first wife thinks she is being replaced...she is not, a second wife thinks she is lesser to the first wife because she doesn't have the years of bonding and building with their husband...she is not. A third...a fourth etc. We may need @MeganC to comment as to the common thinking of the ladies in tertiary on forward pole position. I certainly know that I have encountered a double fist full of women who are Only interested in being a 3rd or more wife. That they don't wish to have the perceived pressure of being one of the first two.

Forgive me, I'm still challenged with navigating my way around the different forums and I can't figure out how to get back to see what you go by so that I can say hello and remember you... I may never be able to know who you were but I must say that you make total sense. Infact, I feel as though today I was able to toss out about 50% of my jealousy in general by coming to that very conclusion myself. So you can imagine how glad I am hearing it again from you as a sign of confirmation. Thanks you for taking the time to respond

 

[Brenna]

How in the world I misread you I have no idea. Apologies, I could have sworn I read the word "equal". I feel stupid now.

I think we agree and I misunderstood you or read into what you wrote. I thought you were espousing a viewpoint that a second was equal in value and worth across the board, responsibilities and trust etc... I should have just kept my fingers to myself and not let them near the keyboard With that apology done. (See everyone, I am an acerbic ass sometimes)

Their worth is functionally and rationally lower because those years of trust have not been established. HOWEVER that does not mean they are without worth or value. The second or subsequent needs to know and understand that the simple fact of being chosen imparts a TREMENDOUS amount of worth. I having been chosen by God to be in relationship with Him have been endowed with infinite worth and value because of His choice, and His acceptance, not by anything I bring to the table. Similarly if I ever take a second wife she too is immediately imbued with a great deal of worth and value because I chose her. Her skills, attitude, abilities, beauty etc are valuable of course, but her worth is not tied up in that. She would not cease to be worthy if she got sick and couldn't contribute.

To come back to the analogy of my worth to God. I will always have a set worth because of His choice. But I can strive to be useful by seeking to advance His will, and be about His business here on earth. Similarly a wife if she's a good one will not dwell on her lack of functional worth and trust. She will if she's wise, dwell on the fact I chose her, and seek to serve my will for the home, family, business and anything else I am invested in. Just as I strive to serve my Lord and in doing so work out some value to Him by my service, a good wife will do the same.


Abso-freakin-lutely. A focus on seeking the good for the other (1 Cor. 10:24), assuming the best, keeping clear and open communication, with the husband setting clear and well defined boundaries and expectations before any marriage is established.

Humans are inherently lazy. We all seek the easier path. If a woman has two options, both men are equally attractive, charming, funny, wealthy, intelligent etc... but marriage to one of them will mean an "easier" life, of course she will choose the easier life.

Again, I apologize for my misunderstanding and assery.

I would not necessarily choose the easier life! That would mean that you think all people are inherently lazy, manipulative, and, not going to just choose the man that they plain have an all round better fit with? That's sure what I would be doing. Of course, I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box, maybe I'm missing a part of the picture.

 

[NickF]

I would not necessarily choose the easier life! That would mean that you think all people are inherently lazy, manipulative, and, not going to just choose the man that they plain have an all round better fit with? That's sure what I would be doing. Of course, I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box, maybe I'm missing a part of the picture.

Choosing a harder path for no gain is contrary to common sense. I don't think all people are inherently lazy or manipulative. I think all people have a propensity to be selfish and lazy or to do the easier thing. And like I said all things being equal, people will choose the easier path. If you have two options to clean a pot and one of them is easier, why work harder? I specifically gave the caveat that both men were equal and the same in all respects, equally a good fit but one man is going to provide an easier life.

 

[Brenna]

There are unique pressures on each of the roles within polygamy.
A first wife thinks she is being replaced...she is not, a second wife thinks she is lesser to the first wife because she doesn't have the years of bonding and building with their husband...she is not. A third...a fourth etc. We may need @MeganC to comment as to the common thinking of the ladies in tertiary on forward pole position. I certainly know that I have encountered a double fist full of women who are Only interested in being a 3rd or more wife. That they don't wish to have the perceived pressure of being one of the first two.

Even if she understands she isn’t being replaced, she will still be dealing with the fear of being found wanting compared to the “new shiny toy”. The often times younger wife is going to likely be in better physical shape, and have some characteristics that are likely to cause feelings of inadequacy in the first wife. It’s important to acknowledge and understand that reality and deal with the feelings. Her worth is not tied up in how she looks. She has intrinsic worth, so does any subsequent wife. But the vast majority of my wife’s worth is found in the trust I have in her. In her longstanding relationship that has gone through a refiner’s fire and come out the other side with dross removed. We know each other intimately and deeply.


I’m sorry to be blunt but this is simply naive or delusional. A second new wife is absolutely not equal in value to one you have decades of history with. Decades to build a strong foundation and trust with. A new wife is equal in her intrinsic worth yes, but flat out equal…. No way.

If I take a second one day the second will be very valuable or else I wouldn’t choose her. But she will not start out on equal footing because we won’t have 15+ years of intimacy and relationship built.


They know that coming in as a third has dramatically less responsibility tied up. Additionally they would have the advantage of knowing the man has proven himself capable of handling the extra pressures of plurality. They demonstrate wisdom by saying the position of third is desirable

Choosing a harder path for no gain is contrary to common sense. I don't think all people are inherently lazy or manipulative. I think all people have a propensity to be selfish and lazy or to do the easier thing. And like I said all things being equal, people will choose the easier path. If you have two options to clean a pot and one of them is easier, why work harder? I specifically gave the caveat that both men were equal and the same in all respects, equally a good fit but one man is going to provide an easier life.

Well when you say that both men are equal in all respects, that's not possible because, infact, that's impossible as it is for any person to be without sin except while He walked the earth.. I guess in my advanced stage of life (lol) I truly have become lazy cause after hearing all this discussion I would choose to be a 3+ wife..

 

[paterfamilias]

How in the world I misread you I have no idea. Apologies, I could have sworn I read the word "equal". I feel stupid now.

I think we agree and I misunderstood you or read into what you wrote. I thought you were espousing a viewpoint that a second was equal in value and worth across the board, responsibilities and trust etc...

No trouble. I could have been more explicit. I was swinging on brevity for once. I suck at brevity and really prefer the full exposition extended dance remix style...but I loose people entirely too often when I go on at length.

Humans are inherently lazy. We all seek the easier path. If a woman has two options, both men are equally attractive, charming, funny, wealthy, intelligent etc... but marriage to one of them will mean an "easier" life, of course she will choose the easier life.

Was in large part just being snarky and attempting to flirt with some hypothetical woman I have never met who might just happen to read this at some point with respect to the lazy remark. Trying to live up to my recent decision to always be fishing if I intend to catch as it were.
I suspect that should I ever be in the position to consider a third much less a fourth, that I could still manage to be somewhat of a challenge.

 

[NickF]

Well when you say that both men are equal in all respects, that's not possible because, infact, that's impossible as it is for any person to be without sin except while He walked the earth..

I know, I was speaking hypothetically to illustrate a point.

I guess in my advanced stage of life (lol) I truly have become lazy cause after hearing all this discussion I would choose to be a 3+ wife..

It's not lazy to want an easier life. Was Jesus "lazy" when He asked the Father to let that cup pass from Him? No absolutely not. Neither is it lazy to want to be led beside still waters so your soul can be restored.

My point was it actually speaks to the wisdom of a woman who would choose a man who was in a successful plural marriage. She knows he's vetted, stable, shows good leadership and is doing a good job as a husband.


Think about it like employment. What is easier, starting a company from scratch with a partner, or joining an already successful company that is growing and healthy? I say the second is WAY easier (speaking as a man who has started 2 successful businesses). It's far easier to join an already established company. Similarly it is FAR easier and less risky to join an already established man who has demonstrated he is leading well. Joining a young man who hasn't gone through any trials or hardships, has never been a husband is much more risky because you don't know how he will do in that role.

 

[NickF]

No trouble. I could have been more explicit. I was swinging on brevity for once. I suck at brevity and really prefer the full exposition extended dance remix style...but I loose people entirely too often when I go on at length.

No you were perfectly clear, I just misread. No idea how I misunderstood so poorly. Oh well. I can't be charming, good looking, smart, humble and always right.

Was in large part just being snarky and attempting to flirt with some hypothetical woman I have never met who might just happen to read this at some point with respect to the lazy remark. Trying to live up to you recent decision to always be fishing if I intend to catch as it were.
I suspect that should I ever be in the position to consider a third much less a fourth, that I could still manage to be somewhat of a challenge.

You snarky or flirtatious? Say it aint so.

 

[paterfamilias]

Forgive me, I'm still challenged with navigating my way around the different forums and I can't figure out how to get back to see what you go by so that I can say hello and remember you... I may never be able to know who you were but I must say that you make total sense. Infact, I feel as though today I was able to toss out about 50% of my jealousy in general by coming to that very conclusion myself. So you can imagine how glad I am hearing it again from you as a sign of confirmation. Thanks you for taking the time to respond

Glad that it made some sense.

Don't worry about not being up to speed yet, it is a relaxed(mostly) group and you will get up to speed pretty quickly.
Welcome to the party

 

[paterfamilias]

Well when you say that both men are equal in all respects, that's not possible because, infact, that's impossible as it is for any person to be without sin except while He walked the earth.. I guess in my advanced stage of life (lol) I truly have become lazy cause after hearing all this discussion I would choose to be a 3+ wife..

Can't comment on your personal circumstances or if that would be good bad or indifferent thing for you. Hopefully what is best for you will become very clear.

In general terms, so long as all the puzzle pieces mesh...

I think the main thing is if woman can be in a good place, can be happy and help to build something bigger and better.
I use that build something bigger and better phrase intentionally in that it has been on my mind for the last few days. Thinking a bit about mine and my wife's motives for polygamy and how to express it in a fashion that would help to turn on some lights in single seeking woman's minds.

Lots of motivations for considering polygamy out there obviously but all of the puzzle pieces need to fit each other and the woman seeking to be a part of something bigger would work in our dynamic. I can certainly see how being at various stages of life will dictate in large part the roles that one can take on in a family and what one would seek.

The different priorities and differing factors are one of many reasons that in a world where our openness to polygamy is considered an odd if not an overt cultural deviation, sites like this are important. Help all of us oddballs to talk though ideas and help solidify whether we do or how we fit into a plural puzzle.

 

[paterfamilias]

I would not necessarily choose the easier life! That would mean that you think all people are inherently lazy, manipulative, and, not going to just choose the man that they plain have an all round better fit with? That's sure what I would be doing. Of course, I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box, maybe I'm missing a part of the picture.

The lazy remark was all tongue in cheek.
Just poking fun at myself a little bit in that I am likely a chore for a wife in some regards...but then that is not uncommon.

I suppose I should learn to use emoji or some such. Just not sure if there is one for self depreciation