The following is written after much thought and prayer. It will happen to every 1st wife to some degree and must be prepared for by you, the 1st wife. Now, let me explain what this post is about.
You will loose your husbands, to a degree, in some, if not all, of the following ways:
As your husband has come into the knowledge of PM, he will have learned things about marriage that he may have read time and time again, but it did not sink into his head until the Lord, in what ever manor or fashion, revealed PM to him. He will now have a desire to study more of Gods word to learn more about what his TRUE duties are to you, his wife, and what his TRUE roll is as the husband and head of the family. As he grows in his knowledge of what those duties and rolls are, his attitude will shift. It may shift a lot or just a little, but shift it will. He will have a desire to spend more time with the Lord seeking HIS guidance in decisions that he makes for the family and speaks less to you about those things. He may start asserting more "authority" in his decision making, be more involved in the day to day decisions of the home and finances and "putting his foot down" more on other things. As he grows in his knowledge of his roll and duties, he should also be learning what YOUR roll and duties are as his wife. There will come a point in time that he should / will start instructing you in what that roll is and those duties are, as well as, letting you know that he is the head of the family and does not answer to you for his actions or decisions. I wish to direct you to the following other post on that subject:
Brother John Whitten, on Feb. 8th, 2011, under " Problems and Solutions" started a post titled " Better Blueprints Make Better Structures". I suggest that you 1st wives read it along with the following post I have made before. Under "Testimonies" on March 20th, 2009 I started a post titled " What the Lord has shown me" and again on Aug. 28, 2010 I started another post titled " Things God can show you while cutting grass"....................So you see, 1st wives will loose their husbands to a deeper relationship with the Lord, thus having less influence on their husbands and loosing out on their wrongly supposed authority over their husbands.
In her post titled "Attitude is Everything" under "Ladies Only", Sweetlissa wrote a great post of which I have taken this part and placed here. She writes:
"I believe once the door to polygyny is opened it won't close, so...
1. if you embrace the possibilities of what poly can do for you, it can be a wonderful thing
2. if you are bitter and angry, you may control your hubby to the point where he never gets a second wife but at what cost?
3. if he never has a second wife because you are not ready for it, is he secretly fantasizing about it? Or is he resenting you because you are stopping him from what he believes is his right and possibly calling?
4. is it possible that some men may secretly marry another woman and by denying him this right, you may be driving a wedge between you.
These are not accusations, by the way. They are really questions to ask yourself."
I will address statements 2 thru 4. Yes, they are questions and good questions at that, that 1st wives should ask themselves on a daily basis, but I also assert that they can be accusations as well and are the means by which a 1st wife will loose her husband. Let me explain. I do admit and agree 100% that PM is hard ( though I am not in a PM as of yet )especially on the 1st wives. They ( along with all of us ) have had drilled into their (our) minds all these years that marriage is 1 man and 1 woman for 1 life time and that 3 people in a relationship is a crowd. That Prince Charming is out there and he and he alone will save her. That she will be "THE" one and only one that this "Knight in Shining Armour" will save, not realizing that God said this "Knight" could rescue others if he so chooses to do so and that he had to in some cases. We have all had the lies and half-truths fed into our minds that it becomes a total " mind blowing" experience when we come to know the TRUTH of Gods word. So YES 1st wives, it is your attitude that can drive your husband away. If you are bitter or mad about either his coming to the knowledge of PM or his desire to add a sisterwife to your family, YOUR attitude can bring about changes in your husband that you may not like or desire. By showing your bitterness or anger over this issue and if your husband is trying to work out in his own spirit those things he feels the Lord is leading him to do, your attitude can cause him to refrain from additional study of Gods word and cause him to question his own calling to PM. Over time, this will cause a bitterness within him toward you and your attitude. He may do the things "YOU" desire and ask ( demand) in order to keep peace in his home and as a way of trying to show you he loves you, but over time, his constant effort in trying to appease you and to make you feel all loved as you felt when you first got married will drive a wedge between the two of you that may never be repaired. If you decide to do things different or do anything else that interferes with his time with the future sisterwife, here again, disappointment in you and bitterness over what you have done, regardless if your reasons were good or bad, will drive a wedge in your relationship. He will still love you and honor his obligations as Gods word mandates that he do, but he will not love you as before nor enjoy doing his duties. Thus you have lost your husband!
If you are always making statements about her doing this or that and YOU will not stand for it or that you will do such-n-such in return......this too hurts your husband and makes it harder for him to do that which he feels led to do. .......................I wish to add this here.......1st wives.....Do you honestly believe that your husband is only seeking a second wife because he no longer loves you? Do you honestly think that he is seeking a second wife to just have "relations" with? Do you honestly think this is all fun and games for your husband?.....Well DO YOU?...............For a few this may be the case......But as for me and almost every man on this board IT IS NOT!!! and I would be willing to say the same goes for those already living in a PM. This IS NOT fun and games for us either. We have as many if not more fears and struggles to deal with as you the 1st wives. On top of all that we do, we try and follow what and where GOD is leading us; to listen to HIS commands; to dig deep into HIS word; to understand what our duty is, we also have to deal with you and the future sisterwife ( plus any children that may be involved )..............................Do you understand that your husband is not out to replace you despite what you may think? Do you understand that your husband is seeking to follow the Lord and HIS teachings; to provide not only for you, but someone else as Gods word allows him to do? Do you understand that your husband is seeking your help and support in his effort to follow the Lords leading? Do you understand that he needs words of encouragement and prayers lifted up from you in order to not only be a better husband to you, but to be the godly man, leader and husband to your future sisterwife that she needs as well? Do you understand that all of your "complaining", griping, fussing, demands, actions...all of it effects your relationship with your husband....that all of that is and will cause you to lose your husband because he is trying to remove himself from all of that. The your attitude will and can drive him to having a marriage with the sisterwife and you not be aware of it or it may even drive him to the point that he becomes a "dictator" in his own home....something that even he detest, but has become in order to try and put you in your proper place as his helpmate and not his ruler or "boss". Do you understand that everything that he sees as being negative, even if not meant to be, will push him further way and not closer to you? Do you understand that any and all negative words about or toward your future sisterwife may lead him to not be open with you about things they have done, even when he wishes to do so, because of all the negative comments made? Do you understand that you will do more for yourself by giving us encouragement and suggestions in our attempt to bring a sisterwife into the family rather than giving us grief all the time about her or what we may do with / for her?
Yes ladies, I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT, THAT WE AS MEN HAVE HAD AND ALWAYS WILL HAVE A HARD TIME TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU AS OUR WIVES,but, Do you realize that we are to share that what the Lord tells use to share and not all that you demand or desire?.......Do you realize that you are to HELP us in our quest to do what the Lord has shown us to do and to NOT HINDER that calling? Do you understand that most men, myself included, are striving to follow the Lords leading in having a PM with a future sisterwife, not because we want to, BUT because the Lord has shown us a need in a fellow Christian sister and we are instructed to meet that need?
I know ladies that some of your husbands brought the idea of PM to you in a manner that just turned your stomach or put your dander up.......I know that this is what Chaplains Rose said about my approach to her and I agreed with that for a long time......until I set and thought about it........Did it ever occur to her as well as you ladies, that the manner your husbands brought PM to you was the manner that they were suppose to bring it?....Just some food for thought.
So you see my dear 1st wives.....It is how you approach your husband, how he perceives that approach, your attitude and actions that can and will drive a wedge between you and your husband, thus causing you to lose that husband that you once knew. It can cause you to lose your husband completely if you are not careful.
I bring this post from my own thoughts and discussions with the Lord, as well as other men that I know and do not bring it as a / the position of the BF Board nor any other husbands from this message board. They ( the BF Board / other husbands ) may or may not agree with any or all of this post and that is their right. I know this post will cause some heat to come my way but what else is new. I have always shared what the Lord has led me to share, so if this post "gets under your skin " or " gets you hot around the collar ", then maybe you are the one that needed to read it.
Let me say this as well.......That I bring this out of CHRISTIAN LOVE and CONCERN for ALL of our wives here ( 1st or otherwise ) as a means of providing you something to think about and or for further discussion with thy husband.
You will loose your husbands, to a degree, in some, if not all, of the following ways:
As your husband has come into the knowledge of PM, he will have learned things about marriage that he may have read time and time again, but it did not sink into his head until the Lord, in what ever manor or fashion, revealed PM to him. He will now have a desire to study more of Gods word to learn more about what his TRUE duties are to you, his wife, and what his TRUE roll is as the husband and head of the family. As he grows in his knowledge of what those duties and rolls are, his attitude will shift. It may shift a lot or just a little, but shift it will. He will have a desire to spend more time with the Lord seeking HIS guidance in decisions that he makes for the family and speaks less to you about those things. He may start asserting more "authority" in his decision making, be more involved in the day to day decisions of the home and finances and "putting his foot down" more on other things. As he grows in his knowledge of his roll and duties, he should also be learning what YOUR roll and duties are as his wife. There will come a point in time that he should / will start instructing you in what that roll is and those duties are, as well as, letting you know that he is the head of the family and does not answer to you for his actions or decisions. I wish to direct you to the following other post on that subject:
Brother John Whitten, on Feb. 8th, 2011, under " Problems and Solutions" started a post titled " Better Blueprints Make Better Structures". I suggest that you 1st wives read it along with the following post I have made before. Under "Testimonies" on March 20th, 2009 I started a post titled " What the Lord has shown me" and again on Aug. 28, 2010 I started another post titled " Things God can show you while cutting grass"....................So you see, 1st wives will loose their husbands to a deeper relationship with the Lord, thus having less influence on their husbands and loosing out on their wrongly supposed authority over their husbands.
In her post titled "Attitude is Everything" under "Ladies Only", Sweetlissa wrote a great post of which I have taken this part and placed here. She writes:
"I believe once the door to polygyny is opened it won't close, so...
1. if you embrace the possibilities of what poly can do for you, it can be a wonderful thing
2. if you are bitter and angry, you may control your hubby to the point where he never gets a second wife but at what cost?
3. if he never has a second wife because you are not ready for it, is he secretly fantasizing about it? Or is he resenting you because you are stopping him from what he believes is his right and possibly calling?
4. is it possible that some men may secretly marry another woman and by denying him this right, you may be driving a wedge between you.
These are not accusations, by the way. They are really questions to ask yourself."
I will address statements 2 thru 4. Yes, they are questions and good questions at that, that 1st wives should ask themselves on a daily basis, but I also assert that they can be accusations as well and are the means by which a 1st wife will loose her husband. Let me explain. I do admit and agree 100% that PM is hard ( though I am not in a PM as of yet )especially on the 1st wives. They ( along with all of us ) have had drilled into their (our) minds all these years that marriage is 1 man and 1 woman for 1 life time and that 3 people in a relationship is a crowd. That Prince Charming is out there and he and he alone will save her. That she will be "THE" one and only one that this "Knight in Shining Armour" will save, not realizing that God said this "Knight" could rescue others if he so chooses to do so and that he had to in some cases. We have all had the lies and half-truths fed into our minds that it becomes a total " mind blowing" experience when we come to know the TRUTH of Gods word. So YES 1st wives, it is your attitude that can drive your husband away. If you are bitter or mad about either his coming to the knowledge of PM or his desire to add a sisterwife to your family, YOUR attitude can bring about changes in your husband that you may not like or desire. By showing your bitterness or anger over this issue and if your husband is trying to work out in his own spirit those things he feels the Lord is leading him to do, your attitude can cause him to refrain from additional study of Gods word and cause him to question his own calling to PM. Over time, this will cause a bitterness within him toward you and your attitude. He may do the things "YOU" desire and ask ( demand) in order to keep peace in his home and as a way of trying to show you he loves you, but over time, his constant effort in trying to appease you and to make you feel all loved as you felt when you first got married will drive a wedge between the two of you that may never be repaired. If you decide to do things different or do anything else that interferes with his time with the future sisterwife, here again, disappointment in you and bitterness over what you have done, regardless if your reasons were good or bad, will drive a wedge in your relationship. He will still love you and honor his obligations as Gods word mandates that he do, but he will not love you as before nor enjoy doing his duties. Thus you have lost your husband!
If you are always making statements about her doing this or that and YOU will not stand for it or that you will do such-n-such in return......this too hurts your husband and makes it harder for him to do that which he feels led to do. .......................I wish to add this here.......1st wives.....Do you honestly believe that your husband is only seeking a second wife because he no longer loves you? Do you honestly think that he is seeking a second wife to just have "relations" with? Do you honestly think this is all fun and games for your husband?.....Well DO YOU?...............For a few this may be the case......But as for me and almost every man on this board IT IS NOT!!! and I would be willing to say the same goes for those already living in a PM. This IS NOT fun and games for us either. We have as many if not more fears and struggles to deal with as you the 1st wives. On top of all that we do, we try and follow what and where GOD is leading us; to listen to HIS commands; to dig deep into HIS word; to understand what our duty is, we also have to deal with you and the future sisterwife ( plus any children that may be involved )..............................Do you understand that your husband is not out to replace you despite what you may think? Do you understand that your husband is seeking to follow the Lord and HIS teachings; to provide not only for you, but someone else as Gods word allows him to do? Do you understand that your husband is seeking your help and support in his effort to follow the Lords leading? Do you understand that he needs words of encouragement and prayers lifted up from you in order to not only be a better husband to you, but to be the godly man, leader and husband to your future sisterwife that she needs as well? Do you understand that all of your "complaining", griping, fussing, demands, actions...all of it effects your relationship with your husband....that all of that is and will cause you to lose your husband because he is trying to remove himself from all of that. The your attitude will and can drive him to having a marriage with the sisterwife and you not be aware of it or it may even drive him to the point that he becomes a "dictator" in his own home....something that even he detest, but has become in order to try and put you in your proper place as his helpmate and not his ruler or "boss". Do you understand that everything that he sees as being negative, even if not meant to be, will push him further way and not closer to you? Do you understand that any and all negative words about or toward your future sisterwife may lead him to not be open with you about things they have done, even when he wishes to do so, because of all the negative comments made? Do you understand that you will do more for yourself by giving us encouragement and suggestions in our attempt to bring a sisterwife into the family rather than giving us grief all the time about her or what we may do with / for her?
Yes ladies, I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT, THAT WE AS MEN HAVE HAD AND ALWAYS WILL HAVE A HARD TIME TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU AS OUR WIVES,but, Do you realize that we are to share that what the Lord tells use to share and not all that you demand or desire?.......Do you realize that you are to HELP us in our quest to do what the Lord has shown us to do and to NOT HINDER that calling? Do you understand that most men, myself included, are striving to follow the Lords leading in having a PM with a future sisterwife, not because we want to, BUT because the Lord has shown us a need in a fellow Christian sister and we are instructed to meet that need?
I know ladies that some of your husbands brought the idea of PM to you in a manner that just turned your stomach or put your dander up.......I know that this is what Chaplains Rose said about my approach to her and I agreed with that for a long time......until I set and thought about it........Did it ever occur to her as well as you ladies, that the manner your husbands brought PM to you was the manner that they were suppose to bring it?....Just some food for thought.
So you see my dear 1st wives.....It is how you approach your husband, how he perceives that approach, your attitude and actions that can and will drive a wedge between you and your husband, thus causing you to lose that husband that you once knew. It can cause you to lose your husband completely if you are not careful.
I bring this post from my own thoughts and discussions with the Lord, as well as other men that I know and do not bring it as a / the position of the BF Board nor any other husbands from this message board. They ( the BF Board / other husbands ) may or may not agree with any or all of this post and that is their right. I know this post will cause some heat to come my way but what else is new. I have always shared what the Lord has led me to share, so if this post "gets under your skin " or " gets you hot around the collar ", then maybe you are the one that needed to read it.
Let me say this as well.......That I bring this out of CHRISTIAN LOVE and CONCERN for ALL of our wives here ( 1st or otherwise ) as a means of providing you something to think about and or for further discussion with thy husband.
