Melanie,
Sorry if this may be a little long, or go over things you already know and believe.
Melanie said:
I'm not sure if you guys realize but so many of you who already have one spouse are taking a totally different approach to finding a second (and subsequent) all of a sudden now that you have one wife already you can afford to be choosy. So many families have an unrealistic list of requirements and very little room to accept any faults in a potential wife.
I agree with some of this Melanie, already having a spouse does put you and other single women at a disadvantage. But there are advantages as well. One of the reasons for wives to look for a relationship with an already set family is because they have went through the fires so to speak. They may have a family that is guided by God, and is blessed with a desire to help each other and to work through the hardships as well as the good times.
To clarify a bit, if you see a husband and wife bickering and fighting all the time, with kids running rough shod and doing whatever they please, does this family look appealing to you? Or does a family where you see the husband and wife look at each other with love and caring in their eyes, do their children act courteous and polite when they are together and in public? Do they trust in God and pray before each meal? Do they have fun as a family doing things together? Which is more appealing to you? The more appealing aspect of my examples are one of the main reasons why this is blessed, the ability to extend your love to others. To be the beacons of light to the world, if our family is a beacon of light to the world, it becomes more appealing to those that lack that beacon in their own lives. Having said this, I agree. There are hurdles and obstacles that you may be confronted with that first wives never had to contend with the first time. This being said because the situation is different, instead of a man/woman looking to start a family, they are looking to add to it. Even though this doesn’t seem fair, some families look at the prospect of an addition as unfair as well, which may explain unrealistic hurdles that you may have to cross, and why you have came up with your comprises because you already know this.
Melanie said:
However, instead of looking at this massive hurdle you expect potential wives to leap over many put down the fact that they haven't found anyone yet to "god's will" or that there just aren't any women out there.
I do not know what some families require, but with me and my family, it comes down to quite simply, does she add to our family without disruption. By what I mean is this, my wife has a say and a choice in who will be added. A choice is only valid is she feels that her input can change any outcome. If she felt that her say did not matter, then she will feel as if this is being forced upon her, and it will inevitably add to problems later after the marriage is already in place, making things even tougher for the entire family. If my wife feels that her voice has been heard and feels that her input can change or even direct the outcome, then she will feel much better in the end about whom finally comes into the family, if anyone ever does I might add. So whoever is looked at in coming into the family must be able to get along with the entire family, my wife and any future wife must be of one mind. So being of one mind is not a big hurdle as one might expect or hoop to jump through, for it protects not only the family but you as well, looking for a potential husband and or family.
Romans 12:16 Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.
Philippians 2:2 Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
Philippians 2:5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
We as husband are commanded to live our lives towards Christ. We are to lead not only our own lives but that of our families to God. We are to treat our wives the same way we would treat ourselves, that includes giving them a choice and a voice in what is done and brought into the family. My wife and I have to be of one mind on this issue and any future additions that may come into the family. So to must any future wife must be. So you see, any future wife and the family must be one mind as well, which includes whether or not to add or go forward with any marriage. If God is guiding the marriage then it will all fall into place, and what we view as hurdles, will melt away to nothing.
Melanie said:
There are women out there with a very sincere desire to be married, who have useful skills and could be a real asset but they are often overlooked because they don't meet one of the more shallow conditions
I agree, but each situation is different from the next. It is not like this is a recipe for getting married the first time or anytime for that matter. It’s not a pinch of salt, spoon-full of sugar, three eggs type of deal, bake at 400 degree’s for thirty minutes and you get cookies. The way I see it, nobody’s perfect, no one. When dealing with a potential future mate, they have unknown quantity of sugar, unknown quantity of salt, and so on so to speak, and what we end up with, the result will not be the same. It never will be. We all know that Christ was the only perfect one, so anyone else fails to meet that criteria. If we are all honest, our own first encounter and mate did not go without hitches involved, both parties came with so called baggage. The ones that succeed, don’t do so because the family or individuals are perfect, or that they continue to be perfect, they work because God is there and both couples work on it continually. So looking for so called perfection is both unrealistic and impossible, we can hope and pray that the one we end up with truly adds to the family, baggage and all.
Melanie said:
So since the men aren't willing to compromise i thought maybe i could, if i was willing to keep some distance, forgo a romantic relationship (because it really DOESN'T matter in the long run, it's a very small price to pay) and accept a limited chance of children due to limited sexual opportunities. Not because I'm frigid or saintly attempting to sooth a first wives feelings... I'm just talking about getting a foot in the marital door here.
There is really only four hard and fast rules in my deciding to take a wife, do you believe in God? Do you believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God? Do you believe that Christ was without sin? Finally, do you believe that Christ died for our sins, so that we could be saved and have a place in heaven with him?
For instance, my first and current wife met this criterion, even though her view on plural marriages was it is a sin. I still married her anyways. Yet through study, guidance, prayers, and her own readings, my wife fully realizes her mistake in that belief and has since come to embrace the belief that it is not a sin, and that those unions are blessed by God. She has personal issues, in dealing with the possibility of it happening to us, but she realizes that it is her issues and not that it isn’t blessed by scripture.
Galatians 2:16 Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified.
Galatians 2:17 But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is therefore Christ the minister of sin? God forbid.
Galatians 2:18 For if I build again the things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor.
Galatians 2:19 For I through the law am dead to the law, that I might live unto God.
Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:21 I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.
Looking at Galatians 2:16, it speaks of the Law of Moses. This dealing with everything from adultery, killing, and when and where to make sacrifices, what to eat and so on. The point is if we were to look for potential mates that fall in line with the Law, then we are on a fruitless pursuit. No one currently falls under that category. We must instead put our faith in Christ and God to lead us, to forgive our brothers (this includes sisters) of their sins, to come closer to Christ because it is only through Christ that we are saved, strict adherence to the law will not get us there, that is why Christ had to come and die on the cross for us, because the law wasn’t enough.
So in a nutshell, we are to forgive;
Matthew 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
Matthew 6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
And to Forget;
Genesis 41:51 And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For God, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father's house.
(this accounting for Joseph being sold into slavery, being falsely accused, betrayed, and the other grievances that Joseph had, in other words the “toil”)
One example may be the following, let us say a woman with out Christ in her life, had sex, got pregnant and had an abortion. I believe that abortion is not only killing but breaking one of Christ rules about bringing harm to children. Even so, let us also say that a woman regrets the path she took and begs forgiveness from the Lord for her act. Now there is no possible way for her to bring back the one she killed, but by her act of repentance and asking the Lord for forgiveness, she is forgiven by God. I will not therefore use that to bar her from entering into a relationship with me and my family. Her past will not be considered because God doesn’t consider it. Once forgiven, always forgiven, and always forgotten. It is from that point on how we conduct our lives and what we do that matters to the Lord, do we fall and sin again, in which case the Lord will only remember what we have not asked for forgiveness for, or repented from doing. This should be with all circumstances and in all things if we are to be truly beacons of light to the world.
So as to me and my family these are the hurdles to overcome;
1. Do they add to the family?
2. Are we all one mind?
3. Do they believe in God?
4. Do you believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God?
5. Do you believe that Christ was without sin?
6. Finally, do you believe that Christ died for our sins, so that we could be saved and have a place in heaven with him?
These really are the only hard and fast rules. These are not insurmountable hurdles, or conditions that would keep any and all sisters from being a potential addition. Everything can be resolved and worked through, each with their own circumstances.
God Bless
