Approaching a Man about Plural

[B1070]

Hey Everyone!
I originally posted on my status asking for advice about approaching a male from a women's perspective on becoming plural! @NickF had a good idea as starting this as a thread so here I am!
Originally I was talking to a man who had only been in monogamous relationships before and I was just pondering about how I should approach the topic of plural to him in the future. Well things ended between this man and I but still this could be something myself/someone else needs in the future! So guys, (or even ladies) how would one approach a man about being interested in plural? I know I'm very 'let's not beat around the bush' about things, but I think in this sort of situation there is some carefulness that needs to be considered.
Thanks in Advance!!

 

[Keith Martin]

Keep in mind that I'm 3-4 times your age, but I'll start by stating a strong opinion:

While its whole bag of tricks includes a handful of behaviors that are 'nice' and don't pose too many problems, in general chivalry is a mindset that has demasculated men and consequently turned women into insecure tyrants -- and the insecurity stems from knowing deep down that men putting them on pedestals turns men into less than adequate protectors. The primary result is men protecting women from inconveniences but becoming generally unwilling or incapable of protecting against most of the real threats.

OK; that's out of the way. Here's what else I'll say:

1. The first consideration is determining up front whether the soil is even viable, especially to prevent getting daggers instead of Cupid's arrows: and, given that you're not a bush-beater, my recommendation is that you get in the habit of leading conversations not immediately but concertedly in the direction of asking if the man you have in your sights is aware that, biblically, men are not constrained to having only one wife at a time. This type of conversation doesn't have to be limited to just men you're keen on (lest you establish a reputation that you bringing up the topic is a tell that you're about to hit on someone again); practice on anyone -- no one will be hurt by learning this or related truths. Talk with women about this -- it will be good preparation for the slings and arrows catty women will send your way if you're a sister wife (i.e., in their minds, a traitor to the sisterhood).
2. If you get an affirmative reaction, move to step 3; otherwise, make an effort to persuade; if that's successful, move to step 3; if it's not; go back to waiting for a future target for step 1. Rinse and repeat; in fact, rinse and repeat if any step is a dead end.
3. Introduce in your conversations that you've thought about it a lot and have concluded that you would be best suited for being part of a plural marriage. Be prepared to be plainspoken about what your reasons are -- this requires knowing yourself, being honest with yourself, and being willing to be transparent.
4. If step 3 goes well, then flirt, escalating at a pace commensurate with the reactions you're receiving from very mild to whatever level of intensity with which you're comfortable.
5. If step 4 goes well, feel free to be the one to make the commitment pitch. Women decide when sexual intimacy begins, but men decide when marriage begins. However, that men decide when marriage happens in no way implies that they have to be the ones to first voice the request; I would, in fact, suggest that it is better for women to do the initial asking, because it's part of female nature and heavily reinforced in our general culture to avoid taking full ownership of major life choices, leaving justifiable-deniability escape hatches. (men: make them articulate what they want, what they bring to the table, and what they're willing to do to make it happen)

One thing that's really important about step 5 is that a man needs to know that a woman not only recognizes his worth but that she's willing to be held accountable for demonstrating gratitude for being made part of his family.

 

[FollowingHim]

While I wouldn't think about it in that much depth, and would simply suggest getting to know him as a friend, then finding something someone else has written about plural marriage and giving it to him saying "I was reading this and it's really interesting, what do you think?". Things should happen naturally from there, one way or the other.

 

[frederick]

So guys, (or even ladies) how would one approach a man about being interested in plural?

When a woman gives me a red rose, gets down on her knees and asks me to marry her, I understand her intentions fairly clearly. Do women do that? Yes, and it's happened more than once. When I came to understand the truth about polygyny it was relatively simple to deal with women in regard to relationships. It was my (now) second wife who asked me about Lamech and his two wives in Genesis 4 that compelled me to study the matter and come to the correct belief. If he is a Christian guy ask him to explain one (or several) of the plural marriages in the Bible. If he deals with the matter honestly from the Bible he must accept the legitimacy of plural marriage. If he doesn't deal with it honestly, in the end you won't want him for a husband. Win, win either way.

 

[paterfamilias]

Maybe someone else has said this already...I have not read the other remarks yet.

Maybe it is overly simplistic but just bring up the show Sisterwives in casual conversation. Topic broached and you can say how intriguing the concept is and guage reactions.

 

[Keith Martin]

While I wouldn't think about it in that much depth, and would simply suggest getting to know him as a friend, then finding something someone else has written about plural marriage and giving it to him saying "I was reading this and it's really interesting, what do you think?". Things should happen naturally from there, one way or the other.

Yeppers.

 

[MarkH]

If you get to know him well enough to know his personality, you'll know how to approach him. @FollowingHim stated a solid method. I would think most men value honest questions and discussions. If, however, you come across as flirty, he may not take you seriously.

 

[Mark C]

I find what has been said above instructive.

But I would emphasize only that starting with Scripture (after "friendship," etc) when it comes to discussion is the appropriate way to move in that direction:

- a man who doesn't care what it says arguably isn't worth dealing with anyway.

- and those who don't understand that aspect (and arguably have too much of 'the world' anyway) would probably see it as an avenue toward "an affair."

 

[PeteR]

All good advice, above... you're looking for a strong leader who has his house in order. Also, getting to know his whole family, especially his current wife, and being interested in her as a friend and sister early and intentionally, will really help. He has to walk her through the emotional challenges, but she needs to know you are not there to divide the house, but to build it.

 

[B1070]

Keep in mind that I'm 3-4 times your age, but I'll start by stating a strong opinion:

While its whole bag of tricks includes a handful of behaviors that are 'nice' and don't pose too many problems, in general chivalry is a mindset that has demasculated men and consequently turned women into insecure tyrants -- and the insecurity stems from knowing deep down that men putting them on pedestals turns men into less than adequate protectors. The primary result is men protecting women from inconveniences but becoming generally unwilling or incapable of protecting against most of the real threats.

OK; that's out of the way. Here's what else I'll say:

1. The first consideration is determining up front whether the soil is even viable, especially to prevent getting daggers instead of Cupid's arrows: and, given that you're not a bush-beater, my recommendation is that you get in the habit of leading conversations not immediately but concertedly in the direction of asking if the man you have in your sights is aware that, biblically, men are not constrained to having only one wife at a time. This type of conversation doesn't have to be limited to just men you're keen on (lest you establish a reputation that you bringing up the topic is a tell that you're about to hit on someone again); practice on anyone -- no one will be hurt by learning this or related truths. Talk with women about this -- it will be good preparation for the slings and arrows catty women will send your way if you're a sister wife (i.e., in their minds, a traitor to the sisterhood).
2. If you get an affirmative reaction, move to step 3; otherwise, make an effort to persuade; if that's successful, move to step 3; if it's not; go back to waiting for a future target for step 1. Rinse and repeat; in fact, rinse and repeat if any step is a dead end.
3. Introduce in your conversations that you've thought about it a lot and have concluded that you would be best suited for being part of a plural marriage. Be prepared to be plainspoken about what your reasons are -- this requires knowing yourself, being honest with yourself, and being willing to be transparent.
4. If step 3 goes well, then flirt, escalating at a pace commensurate with the reactions you're receiving from very mild to whatever level of intensity with which you're comfortable.
5. If step 4 goes well, feel free to be the one to make the commitment pitch. Women decide when sexual intimacy begins, but men decide when marriage begins. However, that men decide when marriage happens in no way implies that they have to be the ones to first voice the request; I would, in fact, suggest that it is better for women to do the initial asking, because it's part of female nature and heavily reinforced in our general culture to avoid taking full ownership of major life choices, leaving justifiable-deniability escape hatches. (men: make them articulate what they want, what they bring to the table, and what they're willing to do to make it happen)

One thing that's really important about step 5 is that a man needs to know that a woman not only recognizes his worth but that she's willing to be held accountable for demonstrating gratitude for being made part of his family.

This sounds like a good plan of action! I'm also the type of analyzes (not really over thinking, just aware of body language etc.) and the step by step is literally a perfect way for me to understand lol! I just rejoined the plural dating sites again, and I have a guy who is already pursing me with good intention so that's exciting, I'm just not sure like how all fast this should move too. I feel very comfortable with him, but he says he wants to get to know me before his wife gets in the picture, but it sounds like the wife is very very aware of we are talking. I think he wants to see if I'm a potential match before getting his wife involved so I think it's okay, but I'm not sure. I've been in situations where I could tell the wife wasn't involved and I'm sorta stumped if I should press to talk to her more or not.

 

[B1070]

Maybe someone else has said this already...I have not read the other remarks yet.

Maybe it is overly simplistic but just bring up the show Sisterwives in casual conversation. Topic broached and you can say how intriguing the concept is and guage reactions.

That is how I've kinda approached my family about the subject, and while I've got mixed reviews it is definitely a good way to ease into the conversation!

 

[B1070]

All good advice, above... you're looking for a strong leader who has his house in order. Also, getting to know his whole family, especially his current wife, and being interested in her as a friend and sister early and intentionally, will really help. He has to walk her through the emotional challenges, but she needs to know you are not there to divide the house, but to build it.

Sounds like his wife is on board, but he wants to get to know me first before he brings her into the picture. From interactions with him when I bring up his wife she seems very aware. I've actually recommended this site to him and told him to tell her too and gave them my username. I'm not sure if they've browsed the forum or not tho.

 

[Torahobservantmmck86]

I just rejoined the plural dating sites again

what plural dating sites are you using? I got off them earlier this year because they seemed to be a hot mess. I'm just wondering which you find to be the best and if they have changed for the better?

edit, tried using the quote feature, I haven't figure it out quite yet lol

 

[B1070]

what plural dating sites are you using?

I was using Modern Polygamy and Sisterwives, but just yesterday he said he deleted his dating apps in interest of pursing just me, so I deleted them yesterday and the other one this morning. I will say I prefer the Modern Polygamy website by far but I don't know if there are any other good ones. I've heard OKCupid will let you pair up your partners profile, but I've never personally used it myself. Just be aware you will get some interesting characters no matter if you are monogamous, plural, or any site/app you use. Feel free to message me if you need more advice!

 

[FollowingHim]

tried using the quote feature, I haven't figure it out quite yet lol

The "quote" buttons are confusing and honestly not useful unless you're wanting to make a complex post.

Instead, just highlight what you want to respond to and click "reply" in the popup that appears. That will immediately quote it in the comment box. Or just click "reply" below the post to quote the whole post. If you forget "quote" and click "reply" instead everything will just work simply.

 

[The Revolting Man]

Hey Everyone!
I originally posted on my status asking for advice about approaching a male from a women's perspective on becoming plural! @NickF had a good idea as starting this as a thread so here I am!
Originally I was talking to a man who had only been in monogamous relationships before and I was just pondering about how I should approach the topic of plural to him in the future. Well things ended between this man and I but still this could be something myself/someone else needs in the future! So guys, (or even ladies) how would one approach a man about being interested in plural? I know I'm very 'let's not beat around the bush' about things, but I think in this sort of situation there is some carefulness that needs to be considered.
Thanks in Advance!!

I’d like to point out how much I appreciate this level headed, clear eyed and logical approach. It’s very refreshing and an encouragement for the future. You’re to be commended.

 

[Keith Martin]

I think he wants to see if I'm a potential match before getting his wife involved so I think it's okay, but I'm not sure. I've been in situations where I could tell the wife wasn't involved and I'm sorta stumped if I should press to talk to her more or not

The decision about bringing you into his family is ultimately up to him, so, while in the long run you will want to ease your way into relationships with his 1st wife and other family members, and while if he drives his relationship with you into deeper and deeper waters without introducing you it may become necessary to request more of an explanation, this approach he's taking is generally very legitimate. No matter what your relationship may end up being with your sister wife (wives), the foundational relationship, the one prescribed by Scripture, would be the one in which you are married to him. I see it as generally a good thing when a man takes the lead on participating in the 'interview' phase (literally, looking at each other) rather than making it a family affair.

In fact, it is very often a red flag when other wives enter the picture either too early or with too strong a presence -- and in all likelihood those are red flags because it indicates that the household may be covertly led by the females. This can even be the case when the present wives appear to be friendly, eager or encouraging of you to drop your guard too quickly.

Remember something, too, that applies to any courtship routine, no matter monogamous or polygamous: trust is something best gradually built between two people, with ongoing evidence of real bricks being laid rather than reliance on promises.

 

[Keith Martin]

I got off them earlier this year because they seemed to be a hot mess

As a veteran of a great many dating sites, here's what I can say about them: just enough people have success on them -- and this applies to mainstream sites as well as poly ones or circus freak ones like OK Cupid -- to sustain the mystique that a person just might have some success.

However, other than whorish opportunists, the vast majority of people have no real success on dating sites. All pro-dating-site statistics can be traced back to dating-site PR.

Remember this: the primary purpose of a dating site is to exploit customers for the purpose of making the dating site owners wealthy. And almost all of them hire people to pretend to be interested in you.

 

[paterfamilias]

That is how I've kinda approached my family about the subject, and while I've got mixed reviews it is definitely a good way to ease into the conversation!

Glad to hear it has already had some limited success.

Some guys will be afraid to be candid so watch body language as well. That being said, we tend to be linear thinkers so as part of your conversation, you might need to just ask outright their opinion on plural marriage after the topic is broached. Otherwise you may not get the information you are looking for without the specific question.

I am trying to imagine the topic being brought up in social conversation with me. Heh...they would likely get more than they expected in that I am not shy about my advocacy. It would be like a non sports fan accidentally setting off one of the sports bros who knows all the stats and figures and is now on his pet topic turf.

Out of curiosity, what sort of feedback have you gotten from your family on the topic?
Having your family on board or at minimum willing to accept your choices, even if it is not what they would choose for you, is a big component to your long term success. Obviously there will be people who are already or willing to be alienated from their family who will be less effected but that doesn't sound like the case for you fortunately.
I imagine you have been thinking over all of the potential aspects of plural marriage both good and bad. One to consider, prepare for and ideally out-flank is a marriage being undermined by family over the course of years. Nobody needs doubts and toxic claims being made that could weaken the bonds you work hard to build.

You are likely already doing the ground work in advance from the sound of it.

 

[B1070]

The decision about bringing you into his family is ultimately up to him, so, while in the long run you will want to ease your way into relationships with his 1st wife and other family members, and while if he drives his relationship with you into deeper and deeper waters without introducing you it may become necessary to request more of an explanation, this approach he's taking is generally very legitimate. No matter what your relationship may end up being with your sister wife (wives), the foundational relationship, the one prescribed by Scripture, would be the one in which you are married to him. I see it as generally a good thing when a man takes the lead on participating in the 'interview' phase (literally, looking at each other) rather than making it a family affair.

In fact, it is very often a red flag when other wives enter the picture either too early or with too strong a presence -- and in all likelihood those are red flags because it indicates that the household may be covertly led by the females. This can even be the case when the present wives appear to be friendly, eager or encouraging of you to drop your guard too quickly.

Remember something, too, that applies to any courtship routine, no matter monogamous or polygamous: trust is something best gradually built between two people, with ongoing evidence of real bricks being laid rather than reliance on promises.

Hey Keith!

I guess I never thought of it being a red flag if the female is very involved in the beginning, my mind was always thinking, "If she isn't very involved, she doesn't know" but that brings a GREAT perspective to it. Last night he decided with going forward and having me chat with his wife too after awhile of just us talking. So far she seems awesome, but I do really like that he is leading in this situation! I've noticed the bricks being laid with trust for sure between the two of us. We are gradually getting to know each other and it's not like boom we just started talking I want you to fly here tomorrow lol. He is leading but I think in an appropriate speed for sure.