Approaching a Man about Plural

[B1070]

Glad to hear it has already had some limited success.

Some guys will be afraid to be candid so watch body language as well. That being said, we tend to be linear thinkers so as part of your conversation, you might need to just ask outright their opinion on plural marriage after the topic is broached. Otherwise you may not get the information you are looking for without the specific question.

I am trying to imagine the topic being brought up in social conversation with me. Heh...they would likely get more than they expected in that I am not shy about my advocacy. It would be like a non sports fan accidentally setting off one of the sports bros who knows all the stats and figures and is now on his pet topic turf.

Out of curiosity, what sort of feedback have you gotten from your family on the topic?
Having your family on board or at minimum willing to accept your choices, even if it is not what they would choose for you, is a big component to your long term success. Obviously there will be people who are already or willing to be alienated from their family who will be less effected but that doesn't sound like the case for you fortunately.
I imagine you have been thinking over all of the potential aspects of plural marriage both good and bad. One to consider, prepare for and ideally out-flank is a marriage being undermined by family over the course of years. Nobody needs doubts and toxic claims being made that could weaken the bonds you work hard to build.

You are likely already doing the ground work in advance from the sound of it.

It definitely got mixed reviews but not all were bad. Some were "as long as people are consenting there's nothing wrong with that" and some were "that's not for me, but whatever" and then I got a few, "that's absolutely nuts" lol.
Haha, I love the sports analogy. Like I said before I'm not very wishy washy and I don't beat around the bush (not in a too direct way, but I just don't like wasting time and playing head games) and some guys when I was looking into monogamy didn't like that lol.

I've not flat out told my family "Hey I'm going to do plural and this is what I feel called to do." I've been more easing them into it. If we are watching a show, usually sister wives, I'll say "hey what did you think of this situation" or "Man, plural might be interesting to pursue as long as the situation was right" and like I said I got mixed reviews and sometimes each situation varies with the same person. I love my family and their opinion is very important to me (not a deciding factor but none the less very important) and I would love for them to be on board. I think when I start living with a family I would say maybe, "I'm staying with friends" or "I have some friends that need help around the house, and I might go stay with them awhile to help them out." I would want my family to know them as people instead of right out of the gate, "Hey I'm going to live with this married couple and become married as well as a second wife" haha!
I've really been thinking out the logistics of it all, I'm sure some things will happen not the way I've thought of but I've been pondering this for a couple years now. Thanks for the amazing response!

 

[NBTX11]

Some thoughts. Make friends with the first wife. Genuinely. Try to get to know her on a personal level.

The dating sites are full of no-goes. Be very careful. Men will say a lot of things to try to reel you in. The amount of true Bible believing Christians that seriously mean it on these sites is low. You can have success though as I am currently courting a genuine Christian woman I met off a site.

Bible study. The best way to bring up the topic, in my opinion. Pose questions based off scripture dealing with plural marriage and ask what his opinion is. Then give yours. Be sure yours lines up with the Bible. There are many good resource and papers on the topic. Once the topic has been broached, give him one and ask what he thinks.

 

[B1070]

Some thoughts. Make friends with the first wife. Genuinely. Try to get to know her on a personal level.

The dating sites are full of no-goes. Be very careful. Men will say a lot of things to try to reel you in. The amount of true Bible believing Christians that seriously mean it on these sites is low. You can have success though as I am currently courting a genuine Christian woman I met off a site.

Bible study. The best way to bring up the topic, in my opinion. Pose questions based off scripture dealing with plural marriage and ask what his opinion is. Then give yours. Be sure yours lines up with the Bible. There are many good resource and papers on the topic. Once the topic has been broached, give him one and ask what he thinks.

I just started chatting with the wife last night, and he's been telling me a lot about her, and so far everything is going well! She seems like someone I could see being my best friend since we have a lot in common apparently lol. He was telling me stuff about her before we started talking and I was thinking, "oh my goodness that sounds like me!" haha.
Yes, dating sites can be very interesting, I've had some terrible encounters with lots of creepy people, but thus that's every dating site I would assume. Also, congrats on your courting!! The is so exciting and I will keep you in my prayers for that!

Okay that is a great idea! Thanks for the advice

 

[NBTX11]

I just started chatting with the wife last night, and he's been telling me a lot about her, and so far everything is going well! She seems like someone I could see being my best friend since we have a lot in common apparently lol. He was telling me stuff about her before we started talking and I was thinking, "oh my goodness that sounds like me!" haha.
Yes, dating sites can be very interesting, I've had some terrible encounters with lots of creepy people, but thus that's every dating site I would assume. Also, congrats on your courting!! The is so exciting and I will keep you in my prayers for that!

Okay that is a great idea! Thanks for the advice

Thank you. You should be able to tell if the first wife is really on board in time. I suspect that a lot of first wives on the sites are not truly on board. The fact that you're talking and its progressing is a positive sign.

I don't know from a woman's perspective, but from a man's perspective over 95 percent of the women on there are no goes right off the bat. Many aren't even Christians, or if they claim to be, are nominally so.

Thank you for your prayers. I have been dating her for about two months, and things are going very well. We've had several in person dates (she lives in the same state as me), and things are moving in the right direction. My wife went with me on the trips to see her.

 

[B1070]

Thank you. You should be able to tell if the first wife is really on board in time. I suspect that a lot of first wives on the sites are not truly on board. The fact that you're talking and its progressing is a positive sign.

I don't know from a woman's perspective, but from a man's perspective over 95 percent of the women on there are no goes right off the bat. Many aren't even Christians, or if they claim to be, are nominally so.

Thank you for your prayers. I have been dating her for about two months, and things are going very well. We've had several in person dates (she lives in the same state as me), and things are moving in the right direction. My wife went with me on the trips to see her.

She seems to be on board as far as I can tell, but again with time I will really be able to see. I know they've talked about potentially visiting me or me visiting them!
Oh wow that's terrible, I've never understood when people broadcast Christianity and then put the stuff all over social media but then you get to talking to them and they are like, "well actually....blah blah blah." It must be very disheartening for couples looking for the right woman.

Oh that is so awesome to hear you guys are close and able to go on dates often! I'm happy to hear that it's going the right way, and I'll definitely keep my fingers crossed for ya!!

 

[NBTX11]

I've not flat out told my family "Hey I'm going to do plural and this is what I feel called to do." I've been more easing them into it. If we are watching a show, usually sister wives, I'll say "hey what did you think of this situation" or "Man, plural might be interesting to pursue as long as the situation was right" and like I said I got mixed reviews and sometimes each situation varies with the same person. I love my family and their opinion is very important to me (not a deciding factor but none the less very important) and I would love for them to be on board. I think when I start living with a family I would say maybe, "I'm staying with friends" or "I have some friends that need help around the house, and I might go stay with them awhile to help them out." I would want my family to know them as people instead of right out of the gate, "Hey I'm going to live with this married couple and become married as well as a second wife" haha!

Will have to be honest with family at some point and tell them flat out what is going on. If they love you, there's a good chance they will be accepting. May not agree with it, but still love and accept your decision.

While there are times when you have to hide things from certain people or groups of people, with close family I think it's better to be more upfront than keep things hidden.

 

[B1070]

Yes, for sure I'm kinda calculating who I would tell first in my family. The only person who knows I'm wanting to live plural is one of my best friends and she's super supportive. But I think I'll probably tell my mom first after they get to know the family as friends first. Then I'll slowly ease my other family into it, my mom has had the most open thought on it tbh. I know I'll receive some backlash from some family but at the end of the day I'm a adult consenting to this lifestyle and feeling called to it, so there's not much they can really do that'll change anything.

 

[NBTX11]

Yes, for sure I'm kinda calculating who I would tell first in my family. The only person who knows I'm wanting to live plural is one of my best friends and she's super supportive. But I think I'll probably tell my mom first after they get to know the family as friends first. Then I'll slowly ease my other family into it, my mom has had the most open thought on it tbh. I know I'll receive some backlash from some family but at the end of the day I'm a adult consenting to this lifestyle and feeling called to it, so there's not much they can really do that'll change anything.

My wife lost several extended family members over plural. When we told them about it they became irate and angry. We will try to make amends eventually. The close family we have, have had no problem with it and are supportive. My kids are supportive of me. That was what is most important to me.

 

[paterfamilias]

It definitely got mixed reviews but not all were bad. Some were "as long as people are consenting there's nothing wrong with that" and some were "that's not for me, but whatever" and then I got a few, "that's absolutely nuts" lol.

That is way better than it might have been. Congrats on that. That will make life way easier.

My wife and I were lucky in that none of our friends or family had any pushback...well, I say that but my dad and a few of my friends thought I was crazy.
I get that bad experience in marriage will leave people feeling really negative about marriage generally and really think it is nuts to go for turbo marriage?...super marriage? Meh, you get the point. I think they assume that marriage has to be contentious so they figure I am wanting to multiply any potential problems. Luckily I have a very different view of marriage.

Haha, I love the sports analogy. Like I said before I'm not very wishy washy and I don't beat around the bush (not in a too direct way, but I just don't like wasting time and playing head games) and some guys when I was looking into monogamy didn't like that lol.

I don't get the games and especially don't get the made up tests some women will do. If a potential partner wants to know something, isn't just asking easier than playing out some weird scene where only one person knows it is not real?
I figure that open conversation and overtly interviewing each other...but with good humor and bald faced honesty...especially with respect to all the potential tough stuff that can come up in life. See if there is potential for compatibility exists, then work towards being friends and see if there happens to be a spark that might make a fire

I've really been thinking out the logistics of it all,

Very important and fortunately a fun topic. Also fortunately way easier in real life than most people think.
It is a natural and previously extremely common form of marriage, so generally speaking if everyone has each other's happiness in mind, it is as easy as can be.

Thanks for the amazing response!

Happy to and welcome to the party

 

[Joleneakamama]

I get that bad experience in marriage will leave people feeling really negative about marriage generally and really think it is nuts to go for turbo marriage?

I think that is likely the issue with my sw's folks. I'm reasonably sure they just expect this to fail.

Luckily I have a very different view of marriage.

For sure!

It is a natural and previously extremely common form of marriage, so generally speaking if everyone has each other's happiness in mind, it is as easy as can be.

You mean actually caring about them?

Maybe that is where people get messed up at this idea. It is written that the love of many woukd wax cold. Too many are jaded and have been turned into users by users. Folks that use people, or substances that cause them to become self absorbed.

None of us felt that adding another (2) into the family felt weird. The three of us all enjoy each other's company....THAT makes doing life together easy!

 

[paterfamilias]

I think that is likely the issue with my sw's folks. I'm reasonably sure they just expect this to fail.

For sure!

You mean actually caring about them?

Maybe that is where people get messed up at this idea. It is written that the love of many woukd wax cold. Too many are jaded and have been turned into users by users. Folks that use people, or substances that cause them to become self absorbed.

None of us felt that adding another (2) into the family felt weird. The three of us all enjoy each other's company....THAT makes doing life together easy!

We have a Bingo

 

[FollowingHim]

I think when I start living with a family I would say maybe, "I'm staying with friends" or "I have some friends that need help around the house, and I might go stay with them awhile to help them out." I would want my family to know them as people instead of right out of the gate, "Hey I'm going to live with this married couple and become married as well as a second wife" haha!

I truly do understand where you are coming from, but you need to also look at this from your parents perspective. Now, maybe you're older and have been married before (I can't recall what you've shared) which would make this less applicable, but the marriage of a daughter is a major milestone in the life of a parent. It is something that all your life they have been anticipating celebrating with you, and having a central role in at least the celebration if not the decision. To just say "by the way Mum, I'm married now" bursts a major bubble, and may cause emotional pain that will make it more difficult for the family to accept your marriage as valid.

How you suggest describing it is fine for courtship, if you're truly spending time with the family as a friend to get to know them. But to actually marry, secretly, and tell family you were just visiting friends, is a recipe for strife.

Don't lie. Lying comes from fear. Be honest with your family.

And if possible give them the opportunity to celebrate this with you. They may reject that, but if so it was not your fault, and nobody can blame you for their absence.