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Bustin' Outa The Closet or Tellin' The Fam

Someone from our list who has recently, finally "come out of the closet" amidst great family upset posted the following in a PM, and gave me permission to post it on this thread ...

BTW: You have never been more right than when you encouraged us to tell our family the truth from the beginning and to be proud of our beliefs. I so regret not being upfront at the start. It just muddies the waters of the biblical truth of polygyny. ...

I would be fine with you posting that...especially if it helps another family not make the same mistake=s we made. I felt like I was in Kindergarten when we first started trying to figure out the rght way to do things, and now I feel like I've got my Doctorate degree! The funny thing is, by next year, I'll probably think that where we are today is like Kindergarten!

Post away, and prayerfully, it will save someone some of the pain and trials we're having to deal with because of our lack of faith.
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For those who haven't followed this thread since the beginning, I advocate being out of the closet with family at least from the moment you are convinced of the truth of PM. That way they never get to level a charge at you of having been secretive and ashamed of your new "truth", nor of having destroyed their trust.

Preferably a/your pastor as well. Saves the same charge. And if he's going to disfellowship/excommunicate you, oh well! They KILLED Jesus. This is less. And God looks at THEM and says, "If you did it to the least of these ..." *yikes!*
 
Again, God shows me the answers to my questions through you guys.. :) This is something that my hubby (Ed) and I have been talking about the last couple of days. Last week at some point, God placed the desire on both our hearts to explore a plural marriage. When we realized this it was a shock to us both. A couple of days later, Ed introduced me to someone that he works with because he thought we would hit it off and be good friends. The topic of Sister Wives and plural marriage came up and we discovered that she was curious about the matter although reserved. Over the course of the next couple days, God has opened all 3 of our hearts further and we agreed that we mutually want to pursue this further as God allows.
I know in my heart that I am all in. This is it. I still want to take our time to build a relationship/friendship and see where God takes this. But while we are playing the waiting game...I want to at least broach the topic with my mom. Ed and our possible SW though are both panicking over the thought of this.
Now a little family background..my mom lives across the street. The house we live in is owned by her and we are renting. (She claims that it is a "rent to own" scenario but there is NO way I am living here forever!)`Also, my mom and I have a strained relationship as it is. She is consistently less than honest with me and has openly admitted in the past that she in not my husband's biggest fan. Now I have to say that she does make efforts and is nice to him, but the second we are fighting she almost seems to have the divorce lawyer on the phone. lol My parents are both divorced and re married and neither of them are Godly people. church goers, etc..
SO..taking all this into consideration, I almost see no point in telling her since there is no way that she will understand, try to understand or accept it. As a matter of fact, I am scared to death that she will call Child and Family Services and try to have my kids removed. If I could know for certain that this won't cause me to lose my kids then I would tell her. For whatever it is worth, I know that they would have to have a good reason to take my kids away. What scares me is that they will pull the kids while they "investigate" us. If we told her now, before ANYTHING has been committed or done...we would be safe from my biggest fear wouldn't we? Has anyone else dealt with this on any level? Thanks for letting me dump this here. It has been making me physically sick for the last 3 days. I need answers..
 
Thank you, IrishPrincess, for sharing your heart so openly. I'll respond in kind.

First, gonna wax philosophical for a brief moment. Samurai and other warrior types say that the secret to prevailing in battle is to consider yourself already dead. Then there is no more fear of dying and you can truly be a warrior.

We are warriors in God's battle. Jesus told us that in the world, we will experience persecution. So let's get that out of the way up front. *wry grin* The world has never liked us. It doesn't like us now unless we're abandoning our post and pretending to be like it. It never WILL like us. We're at WAR with it. It WILL persecute us for one thing or another, wherever God calls us and we obey. No biggee. Business as usual.

So, no need to give persecution another thought beyond laughing at it. It is the dying thrashings of a defeated foe!

Ok. *whew* Hope that made YOU feel better. *I*, at least, feel Wise and Profound! *chuckle* But having said all that ...

It is one thing for family members to get hot around the collar, ears and eyes turning red with righteous indignation, and THREATEN to bring all manner of mayhem upon your family. It is another thing entirely to bring it about.

Remember Texas a coupla years ago? Took 400 kids from their folks? Had to give every one back amidst much red-faced embarrassment? Uh-huh. Gov'mint folk don' lack gettin' stuck in that partic'lar pig waller! they gone be reeeeeeal shy 'bout doin' DAT agin!

Which means that if someone complains that you've got one too many adult females in your husband's bed, they're gonna say, "Thank you for letting us know," ever so politely, then ignore it. They don't care who lives where, nor what names you call each other, just so THEY don't get left sorting out who is the legal wife if your husband dies intestate!

If, however, they are told that you have the children in unsafe living conditions, and do come out to check, and find you've got a little hydroponic cash crop operation going in the kid's bedroom, and there's no food in the fridge, and the baby's poopie diaper hasn't been changed for 3 days, you got problems even if there's only ONE mom.

A few years ago, I had a man with 4 wives renting my home, and a girlfriend 2 doors down. Police told him, "Sure we know what's going on at your place. Couldn't care less, as long as y'all are no problem. Get to fightin' and carrying on, and we get called out, we'll treat you like we would anyone else -- haul you in if you're a problem. Otherwise, carry on!"

I haven't worried about it since.
 
Cecil. Words cannot express the gratitude and relief that your post has brought me. My name is Crystal by the way. :)
I have really been praying and thinking on this the last couple days and it occurred to me last night I have started letting this snow ball out of proportion in my head. When I really stopped to HONESTLY think about it I realized that I would be shocked if my mom actually called CPS. And for the time being, we are in no position to move us into one home. We've also agreed that we liked the idea of having separate addresses so that each woman can have their own place to call home and care for according to their taste and personality. We want to be close enough to feel like a family though so are looking for situations that would allow us to share a neighborhood. From what I understand of my state laws so far, keeping separate addresses is the loophole that keeps us from any prosecution. We have started talking about courting and timelines, goals, expectations, etc and this makes me feel a little freaked out from time to time but I know that if I keep taking this to God in prayer, He will continue to pave the way. When He stops doing this, I will know that I am no longer operating in His will.
Thank you again Cecil. You have blessed me and brought me such comfort with your post. It continues to amaze me when I see God working through those of us on this site. :)

On a totally separate note, I remember someone posting questions about getting their avatar pic down to size. Were you the one that said they could help with that? Mine is too big and I don't know how to downsize it.
 
Let me stick one more nail in the "worry about CPS" coffin. This little story is from a few years ago, circa 2000, before Big Love and Sister Wives and Texas called public attention to PM...

In one of our Northern states, the law says/said its actually a felony to even ADVOCATE plural marriage! Yet friends from the Christian PM community were accepted and became active foster parents, while another family of their acquaintance adopted.

In another northern state (from my current position in GA), a man and wife married a sister-wife, and then had to go to war for legal custody of her children. You better BELIEVE that their PM living situation was a big issue in the courtroom, where they all sat together. And they DID all share one house. Ya know what? They prevailed! The courts pretty much said, "So what? It's the best place for the kids."

I also hear that in Chicago it's illegal to take a bath in the buff ... Not much sense in worrying about laws that no-one will enforce. Much better to keep our eyes on Jesus and remember that God IS Love. Jesus is in Him and we're in Jesus. So we, too, are actually becoming Love -- against which there is no valid law!
 
Well you could always start off by saying some thing worse like you are gay or what ever and as their blood pressure is going up you can say no not really, but I am a polygynist. Maybe they will be better able to handel it if at least you aren't gay?
CecilW said:
In the short time I've been back involved with the PM movement on this list, I've heard a number of people express concerns about how and when to tell their families about what is going on in their lives. What they are learning, what they've come to believe, what they've DONE about it (gotten married / added another wife to their family). And I wonder ...

Question: The longer it drags on without being brought out into the open ... won't that further exacerbate the problem once it finally IS? On top of "You did WHAT?" won't we also have to deal with "... and you've been lying to us by keeping it a secret for HOW LONG?"

I'm just wondering, can whatever healing will have to take place even begin until whatever is hidden is brought out into the open? If not, why would we choose a path for our loved ones other than "Let the healing begin"?

When and how to tell "The Family". I'm not certain that is the right question for us to ask. What if the right question is simply, "How do we make picking up the pieces as painless as possible for them, once their concept of 'how things are' shatters, as it surely will when we tell them what we have learned / done / come to believe -- which will happen TONIGHT !!"

Sorry, Sir BumbleBerry is over in the corner hiding behind a Giant Lollipop, so I'm having to let the serious side out for a bit. Oh, he says it STARTED OUT as a giant lollipop. It's now just sort of big, and not hiding him too well anymore.
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My sister told me that she could handle it if I were a lesbian but that Poly was just more than she was willing to bear. The world would gladly accept us as gay before it accepts us for our beliefs.

SweetLissa
 
It is because being gay doesn't challenge the dyadic paradigm, most people in comfortable long term relationships don't usually worry that their partners might be gay, because they suppose (though I appreciate there are the exceptions) that their partner wouldn't have married them if they were gay. However, Poly, not being reliant on sexual orientation, can be something people can decide makes sense for them in later life, thereby making people insecure when people claim that they can have healthy poly relationships. As Scarecrow would tell you, myself and he had FAR more abuse on the Brown lawyers thread than one would expected, almost all down to women who appeared threatened by the idea that their husbands might not be naturally monogamous. Even though at no point did I ever question the suitability of monogamy for some people, invariably women (unfortunately the aggressors on that particular thread were women) seemed to want to explain how wonderful and embracing their monogamous marriages were. It is sad, but it is down to fear at the end of the day. We live in a world where we expect to 'possess' our partners, I think this attitude can border on the pathological in some cases.

B
 
bella,
that is entirely too reasonable of a post for you :D no brattaciousness at all!

are you feeling ok?

is there a mrs bumblberry sneaking onto your computer behind your back and posting for you? ;)
(cecil and i typically blame our bratty posts on our own sirs bumblberry)

in love,
steve
 
steve said:
bella,
that is entirely too reasonable of a post for you :D no brattaciousness at all!

are you feeling ok?

is there a mrs bumblberry sneaking onto your computer behind your back and posting for you? ;)
(cecil and i typically blame our bratty posts on our own sirs bumblberry)

in love,
steve
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My dear, I think you would find it is the bratty poster who is the cover....I have always been perfectly reasonable, it is just that I don't always show it!

B
 
muy bien, sis, muy bien
 
Bringing back an old thread, as it relates to some current questions...

CecilW & his alter-ego / nemesis Sir BumbleBerry :D
 
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