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Divorce and Remarriage - Am I doomed?

Sophia

Sophia

Member
2 years ago I filed divorce for adultery, left my husband for introducing a 2nd wife.
Now. I repented and fully accepted polygyny - but there's no chance of reconciliation, he wouldn't.
I am eager to remarry now, and to open myself to a christian polygynous and traditional marriage, however..

due to some comments in the forum I am learning I may be doomed for life and not be able to remarry. Im freaking out. Is this true?
Isn't the Lord merciful and forgiving?

Please explain, this would change so many things in my life.
 
Some go by the letter of the law and their extreme respect for the understanding they have would prevent them from seeing you as available. Others will see that if your former husband is not open to taking you back no one is being defrauded by you marrying another. These will of course still need to get to know you and develop trust, but they will see marriage for you as a lawful option.....and get to know you with that in mind.
 
Joleneakamama said:
Some go by the letter of the law and their extreme respect for the understanding they have would prevent them from seeing you as available. Others will see that if your former husband is not open to taking you back no one is being defrauded by you marrying another. These will of course still need to get to know you and develop trust, but they will see marriage for you as a lawful option.....and get to know you with that in mind.
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I wholeheartedly agree!
 
Sophia said:
due to some comments in the forum I am learning I may be doomed for life and not be able to remarry. Im freaking out. Is this true?
Click to expand...

Never say, "doomed for life..." ('All things are possible,' through Him) but the specifics do matter and attitude counts for much.

I can point you to in-depth teachings (explicitly from Scripture) that debunk much of what you 'may have heard,' but the general simple 'bottom line' (Deuteronomy 24:1-3) is that if you have, or even can get, a "certificate of divorce" (and, no, that does NOT have to mean something licensed by the almighty State, just a witness from your then/now-ex) you "are able to be another man's [wife]."
 
regarding woman in your circumstances
I have known some woman to be treated rather badly / harshly by some members here In the past.
They where told they had no place here , there was no hope for them etc
I believe our creator is a lot more gracious than that. We should be too.
we are blessed by more that engage here the better
you have most likely been condemned enough and would do well to find some that celebrate your existence in the world.
It is a great joy to be warmly received, if you find it hold on and don’t let go.
 
I don't fully understand the situation between your husband and yourself. I know you believe the situation to be irreconcilable based on things he has said or done (in response to things you did in the past).

Here is my view as an outsider, but also one who truly seeks to serve Christ, and desires the best for you.

Ideally, you should be reconciled to your husband rather than joining another man.

I would encourage you to take heart. The Lord may still bring about reconciliation. The Lord is able to, and may change the heart of your husband.

Christ takes us back when we humble ourselves, seek His face, and submit to Him (repentance and faith). I believe that Christ requires your husband to do the same (assuming that you truly repent and submit to your husband).

This may take some time. Prayer and patience are called for. He was hurt and angered.

If your husband ultimately (over an extended period of time) refuses to take you back, I would take that as him having abandoned you, which probably would free you up to marry another.
 
Bartato said:
If your husband ultimately (over an extended period of time) refuses to take you back, I would take that as him having abandoned you, which probably would free you up to marry another.
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I would ALMOST agree with that...but the question remains. If there is truly no possibility of 'reconciliation' - why would he NOT be willing to give a get? (Has it been asked for?)
 
I agree with Bartato as far as trying reconciliation to the degree which is just beyond your human capability.

Unfortunately, I find myself disagreeing with those who are going by the "you have a certificate of divorce, so you are free."

When first learning about Biblical marriage I went through a phase of thinking "all divorced women are off-limits." It's a symptom of discovering two truths and not the third and fourth truth needed to have a complete picture.

The first truth is that "divorced women are off-limits" is the correct understanding of the English translations as written, if you have the standard assumption that the "Law" was "done away with" or "nailed to the cross."

The second truth is that Jesus' statements in Matthew 5 and 19, Mark 10, and Luke 16 are pretty unequivocal in English, and so to say one follows Jesus would necessitate obedience to His "expansion of the Law."

Together, those two beliefs led me to abandon divorcés as viable options at all.

The third truth that is needed for a more complete understanding of whether a divorcé is free to remarry in her situation is that the Bible wasn't written in English, nor with our current culture in mind. So for interpretting Jesus' answer to the Pharisees we must keep context. They are trying to trap Him into violating the Law with a very difficult question about what constitutes a valid divorce. Notice the assumption is that there is such a thing as a valid divorce. Because Moses permitted it. And by all accounts, most would read Jesus' statement "since the beginning it was not so" to be contrary to Moses. But... That would be falling into the trap of violating the Law by teaching against it, thus proving Jesus to NOT be the Messiah according to the Duet 13 test of false prophets.

Moses did permit divorce, and so did Jesus, but only for the case which was articulated by Moses; her unfaithfulness to him. So Jesus did not act contrary to Moses, but contrary to the interpretations of both beit Hillel and beit Shammai, which were the two big groups of thinking on the topic in that day. Jesus presented a third radical option of "just what the Law says, no more, no less."

To the slightly humourous degree that in Luke 16 the very verse preceding His comments about divorce is that "it is easier for heaven and earth to pass away than for one jot or tittle to fall from the Law." So the writer of Luke almost certainly knew that the comments on divorce could easily be taken out of that context and twisted to be contrary to Moses. But if one is careful with the words, you'll notice that Jesus' teachings against divorce are specific to those divorces which are NOT VALID under Moses; spousal abandonment by the husband when the woman has done no wrong, and "legalized cuckoldry" where the woman divorces the husband unilaterally because she found another lover. So... The vast majority of divorces in the church today.

The fourth element, which is very specific to the OP's case is the definition of adultery. Which the OP herself has been the victim of a false understanding promulgated by the Catholic church for nearly two millenia. Her husband did NOT commit adultery unless his current woman he is with was married. That is information we as a forum do not yet possess, so it surprises me people are judging without that info. Y'all jumping to conclusions can have bad ramifications!

If the new woman was married, then the husband has committed adultery. But that would not give the Catholic church power to annul an existing marriage. It would give the Assembly of the Lord power to launch a judgement to dish out corporal punishment against him and the new adulterous woman, such that they both lay together forever in a dung heap.

If the new woman was not married, and their new marriage is valid, then the annulment between OP and her husband was invalid, thus she is still currently married to him and not divorced. And because the OP was the one that sought the divorce, then there is a notable mixing of BOTH the situations Jesus taught against: her divorcing him, AND him abandoning her for a new woman.

Thankfully, Sophia has proven true to her name. She wisely came to seek wisdom in the spirit of repentence from her past misdeeds.

So gents... Going forward, be very careful the recommendations you make. This is a very difficult case, and it would be wise not to jump to too many conclusions.

Until we learn if the husband is in fact committing adultery with the new wife, then Paul's advice to a woman who divorced is probably best; "But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband, but *if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband*, and that the husband should not divorce his wife.
1 Corinthians 7:10-11
 
DawoodSaar said:
I agree with Bartato as far as trying reconciliation to the degree which is just beyond your human capability.

Unfortunately, I find myself disagreeing with those who are going by the "you have a certificate of divorce, so you are free."

When first learning about Biblical marriage I went through a phase of thinking "all divorced women are off-limits." It's a symptom of discovering two truths and not the third and fourth truth needed to have a complete picture.

The first truth is that "divorced women are off-limits" is the correct understanding of the English translations as written, if you have the standard assumption that the "Law" was "done away with" or "nailed to the cross."

The second truth is that Jesus' statements in Matthew 5 and 19, Mark 10, and Luke 16 are pretty unequivocal in English, and so to say one follows Jesus would necessitate obedience to His "expansion of the Law."

Together, those two beliefs led me to abandon divorcés as viable options at all.

The third truth that is needed for a more complete understanding of whether a divorcé is free to remarry in her situation is that the Bible wasn't written in English, nor with our current culture in mind. So for interpretting Jesus' answer to the Pharisees we must keep context. They are trying to trap Him into violating the Law with a very difficult question about what constitutes a valid divorce. Notice the assumption is that there is such a thing as a valid divorce. Because Moses permitted it. And by all accounts, most would read Jesus' statement "since the beginning it was not so" to be contrary to Moses. But... That would be falling into the trap of violating the Law by teaching against it, thus proving Jesus to NOT be the Messiah according to the Duet 13 test of false prophets.

Moses did permit divorce, and so did Jesus, but only for the case which was articulated by Moses; her unfaithfulness to him. So Jesus did not act contrary to Moses, but contrary to the interpretations of both beit Hillel and beit Shammai, which were the two big groups of thinking on the topic in that day. Jesus presented a third radical option of "just what the Law says, no more, no less."

To the slightly humourous degree that in Luke 16 the very verse preceding His comments about divorce is that "it is easier for heaven and earth to pass away than for one jot or tittle to fall from the Law." So the writer of Luke almost certainly knew that the comments on divorce could easily be taken out of that context and twisted to be contrary to Moses. But if one is careful with the words, you'll notice that Jesus' teachings against divorce are specific to those divorces which are NOT VALID under Moses; spousal abandonment by the husband when the woman has done no wrong, and "legalized cuckoldry" where the woman divorces the husband unilaterally because she found another lover. So... The vast majority of divorces in the church today.

The fourth element, which is very specific to the OP's case is the definition of adultery. Which the OP herself has been the victim of a false understanding promulgated by the Catholic church for nearly two millenia. Her husband did NOT commit adultery unless his current woman he is with was married. That is information we as a forum do not yet possess, so it surprises me people are judging without that info. Y'all jumping to conclusions can have bad ramifications!

If the new woman was married, then the husband has committed adultery. But that would not give the Catholic church power to annul an existing marriage. It would give the Assembly of the Lord power to launch a judgement to dish out corporal punishment against him and the new adulterous woman, such that they both lay together forever in a dung heap.

If the new woman was not married, and their new marriage is valid, then the annulment between OP and her husband was invalid, thus she is still currently married to him and not divorced. And because the OP was the one that sought the divorce, then there is a notable mixing of BOTH the situations Jesus taught against: her divorcing him, AND him abandoning her for a new woman.

Thankfully, Sophia has proven true to her name. She wisely came to seek wisdom in the spirit of repentence from her past misdeeds.

So gents... Going forward, be very careful the recommendations you make. This is a very difficult case, and it would be wise not to jump to too many conclusions.

Until we learn if the husband is in fact committing adultery with the new wife, then Paul's advice to a woman who divorced is probably best; "But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband, but *if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband*, and that the husband should not divorce his wife.
1 Corinthians 7:10-11
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The new wife was not married before.
 
Then ma'am, "not I, but the Lord," would indicate reconciliation is the best course, and remaining unmarried is next best. But to marry another in his lifetime would likely constitute adultery on your part. While spousal abandonment allows a woman to "not be under bondage" (1 Cor 7:15) that does not necessarily mean the prior statement "she should remain unmarried" (7:11) is nullified. One can be free and remain unmarried.

I hope I can bring any level of comfort for your situation. I know my statements fall on the side you were hoping not to hear. You aren't doomed. Nabal had to die to free Abigail from his unrighteousness. (1 Samuel 25) All of Jericho had to be slaughtered to free Rahab to be part of the Messiah's lineage. And Christ Himself died to reconcile wayward Isreal back to her King. You are participating in a grand narrative, and you have a redemptive story arc! Hold tight to His promises, study what He says He will do for those who seek to obey Him. He works all things out for the good of those who love and obey Him. We might not like how He does that... Jonah being bleached by whale stomach acid comes to mind... But in the end the Lord has great things in mind for all our worst situations.

Please send your husband to the wiser elders here. (I don't actually meet that criterion) As you are seeking the righteous thing in reconciliation, and he is refusing to take you back, then he is currently still in error. As Bartato said "spousal abandonment" which makes him "worse than a non-believer." Yet, by your past comments you indicated he came to understand polygyny, so he can be reasoned with according to scripture. If a few good men can talk to him, then perhaps he can be regained for you.
 
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Sophia said:
2 years ago I filed divorce for adultery, left my husband for introducing a 2nd wife.
Now. I repented and fully accepted polygyny - but there's no chance of reconciliation, he wouldn't.
I am eager to remarry now, and to open myself to a christian polygynous and traditional marriage, however..

due to some comments in the forum I am learning I may be doomed for life and not be able to remarry. Im freaking out. Is this true?
Isn't the Lord merciful and forgiving?

Please explain, this would change so many things in my life.
Click to expand...
@Sophia You are NOT doomed for life, the foundation of the gospel IS repentance towards YAH

1 John 1:7-10 KJV — But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Everyone on this forum has been delivered and being delivered from layers of deception, the majority is just unknown, the same grace and mercy afforded us is yours too.

Here's the issue, you have been honest open and transparent showing true repentance, with your situation which makes it very easy for anyone and their goldfish to pontificate and put you in a negative place. There are so many nuances in every situation especially like this

You are loved, I don't believe you have blasphemed the Holy spirit so you are ok, there are going to be people who have done far worse who are and will be accepted in the kingdom of MessiYah.

Just pray that Abba Yah will give you to a man who loves him first who you can help.

Simple.

Yah bless you, keep you, cause his face to shine on you and give you peace

Shalom love and blessings
 
JudahYAHites said:
@Sophia You are NOT doomed for life, the foundation of the gospel IS repentance towards YAH

1 John 1:7-10 KJV — But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Everyone on this forum has been delivered and being delivered from layers of deception, the majority is just unknown, the same grace and mercy afforded us is yours too.

Here's the issue, you have been honest open and transparent showing true repentance, with your situation which makes it very easy for anyone and their goldfish to pontificate and put you in a negative place. There are so many nuances in every situation especially like this

You are loved, I don't believe you have blasphemed the Holy spirit so you are ok, there are going to be people who have done far worse who are and will be accepted in the kingdom of MessiYah.

Just pray that Abba Yah will give you to a man who loves him first who you can help.

Simple.

Yah bless you, keep you, cause his face to shine on you and give you peace

Shalom love and blessings
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For as much as she's been trying to find answers and do the right thing, I'm just wondering where to send the plane ticket!

Calm down...yes I'll behave. 😊
 
We may need to start the BibFam chapter of Over-thinkers Anonymous.
 
@Sophia, you only divorced your husband 2 years ago, and as it was you who filed for divorce he clearly did not want you to leave - which gives a good foundation for reconciliation. No doubt there is a lot of emotional hurt caused by your actions which makes reconciliation seem impossible. But I cannot see how you can have put any time into pursuing that yet, given you probably spent most of the last 2 years thinking leaving him was right so not trying this.

Scripturally, a wife cannot divorce her husband. A divorce initiated by the wife is invalid. Unless he willingly chose to also sign the paperwork (which would qualify as the writing of divorcement required in scripture), you are still married.

Give reconciliation a serious try, and at least another 2 years to rebuild the trust that was destroyed over the last 2.

After that, if your husband truly will not take you back, and disclaims all claim to you (ideally in writing), you would be free to remarry.
 
Bartato said:
I don't fully understand the situation between your husband and yourself. I know you believe the situation to be irreconcilable based on things he has said or done (in response to things you did in the past).
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Sophia said:
2 years ago I filed divorce for adultery, left my husband for introducing a 2nd wife.
Click to expand...
FollowingHim said:
Give reconciliation a serious try, and at least another 2 years to rebuild the trust that was destroyed over the last 2.
Click to expand...

She filed for divorce, and had the Catholic church issue a divorce for adultery. That is no small thing. While I understand she has changed her mind and repented, this situation must have been incredibly difficult for her ex husband. Not only did she choose to divorce him, but she got the church involved as well. We all know here what that means, how traumatic that can be. And not just for the husband, but the other wife as well. Then the flow on affects for family relationships etc.
I fully understand why he would not want her back, no matter how much she says she has changed. He probably doesn't at all trust her. There may truly be no chance at reconciliation, she has already tried that.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
She filed for divorce, and had the Catholic church issue a divorce for adultery. That is no small thing. While I understand she has changed her mind and repented, this situation must have been incredibly difficult for her ex husband. Not only did she choose to divorce him, but she got the church involved as well. We all know here what that means, how traumatic that can be. And not just for the husband, but the other wife as well. Then the flow on affects for family relationships etc.
I fully understand why he would not want her back, no matter how much she says she has changed. He probably doesn't at all trust her. There may truly be no chance at reconciliation, she has already tried that.
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With God, all things are possible.
 
Small correction after comparing notes with Sarah:
FollowingHim2 said:
There may truly be no chance at reconciliation, she has already tried that.
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@Sophia has not actually said that she has seriously attempted to reconcile with her husband yet. She may of course have done so but not told us.

I should also point out @Sophia that, in the short term, if you want to be married, your first husband is actually your most likely prospect, despite how estranged you are today. Any good Christian man would be very hesitant to marry a divorced woman so soon, particularly if she initiated the divorce, for obvious reasons. There is little chance of another godly man marrying you for at least a couple of years. So investing that time trying to reconcile with your husband instead of dating would not be a waste of time, it would actually be your best use of time. And even if it fails, the fact that you seriously tried will go a long way to reassuring any future potential husband that you are of good, trustworthy character and worth marrying.

A serious, long attempt at reconciliation now truly is your best way forwards regardless of whether it is successful.
 
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FollowingHim said:
Any good Christian man would be very hesitant to marry a divorced woman so soon, particularly if she initiated the divorce,
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But there will still be many suitors who will not hesitate.
 
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