Support For first-wives having problems

[Sonshine]

I think it’s always key to remember that not everyone is the same, especially women. So what one woman might need for quality time or even romance will differ from the next. You find eating ice cream in bed or other options better, whereas I would hate to eat messy ice cream in bed. lol

I find most security, quality time, and most loved when I’m doing a project with my husband. When I am able to be there to hand him tools, hold the flashlight, working outside together, or in the kitchen. Being able to have a purpose at his side, able to help him and make things easier, knowing he appreciates me being there… goodness to me that’s way more romantic than any jewelry, any date, or anything like that. So we are all just different.

Brilliantly said!

 

[NickF]

And now a second of the flower crew! Where’s the third? miss the blog but understandable

 

[Sonshine]

And now a second of the flower crew! Where’s the third? miss the blog but understandable

New Family Blog

Hello all, It's been so long since I've been on here! Life has been chaaaanging! Our family has grown! :) We've been thinking about starting a blog for awhile now--and we went ahead and did it! If you'd like to follow, and learn more about our family (and all the ladies in it), the address is...

biblicalfamilies.org

 

[frederick]

It’s female nature.

Is it female nature, or perhaps more the outworking of social conditioning? When I read, for example, the account in 1 Kings Chapter 1 of King David in his old age having the beautiful young Shunammite, Abishag, lying in his bosom to keep him warm ( ) and Bathsheba coming to the King with her request, there is no disrespect, tension, or whatever evident. In fact, there are no issues with any of the King's wives recorded. Where is there any jealousy or animosity expressed in the accounts of David taking Abigail and Ahinoam, in 1 Samuel 25:42-43? How come Jehoiada the priest could take two wives for Joash, and he had sons and daughters (2 Chron. 24:2-3) but there's never any discussion about the "extra" difficulties of having more than one wife - no warnings by Jehoiada to the King of the perils ahead with having more than one wife?

In the accounts of the conflicts between Sarai and Hagar (Gen. 16:4), and between Hannah and Peninnah (1 Samuel 1:6) in both situations the conflicts arise over the conception of children. Same with Leah and Rachel in Genesis 30:1. But Rachel and Leah both give their husband more wives in their attempt to overcome their conflict! How's that for female nature!

A question that rattles around in the vacant space between my ears is; Why didn't Solomon write more about these female nature problems in e.g. Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, or Song of Songs, if it is indeed female nature? Thoughts...???

 

[NickF]

Sonofagun. I do believe you’re right. Thanks for that brother!

I’m going to have to reassess my thinking on that matter.

Excellent feedback! Kudos!

 

[MemeFan]

Is it female nature, or perhaps more the outworking of social conditioning? When I read, for example, the account in 1 Kings Chapter 1 of King David in his old age having the beautiful young Shunammite, Abishag, lying in his bosom to keep him warm ( ) and Bathsheba coming to the King with her request, there is no disrespect, tension, or whatever evident. In fact, there are no issues with any of the King's wives recorded. Where is there any jealousy or animosity expressed in the accounts of David taking Abigail and Ahinoam, in 1 Samuel 25:42-43? How come Jehoiada the priest could take two wives for Joash, and he had sons and daughters (2 Chron. 24:2-3) but there's never any discussion about the "extra" difficulties of having more than one wife - no warnings by Jehoiada to the King of the perils ahead with having more than one wife?

It's probably there were issues between wives, just nothing important enough to record.

 

[Joleneakamama]

Not a romantic.

Where did soul and little sensuality hide?

I would rather eat ice cream in bed. There are way more romantic options here.

I can tell from this post you've never been long time married with kids and a business to run. One might like the thought of other "date nights" ....but there were some years, summers, winters, when all anyone had time or energy to plan was nothing!
Thankfully cuddling going to sleep at night was enough to spark a good time....because if either of us had needed romantic date nights or wooing? Well, we might have had a few less children!!
Our teen daughter once counted back from a due date and realized I got pregnant the week we were all sick VERY sick!! I just kinda laughed and told her we weren't THAT sick!

My point is that expectations and ideals are selfish companions....while they lead you on to think that you'll be happier if they are satisfied.....in reality they can rob you of good times you could have had without them.

 

[Edward]

the local park can count as a night out when finances are tight. Just spending quality time is a premium need of the wife.

My point is dates don't have to be expensive....they just need to make someone feel they were worth some time and effort.

When we first got married we would go downtown (Portland OR.) and walk along the waterfront or go to Pioneer Square also downtown or a hiking trail in the Columbia River Gorge, Multnomah Falls. When we had children we did the same, sometimes we would take them to the Cascade Locks, 1 to 1.5 hours east of Portland for a "SMALL" ice cream cone, you should have seen the large one. Sometimes the cost would be a little gas and a treat, and other times a lot of gas with a cooler of food and a treat.

I miss those days.

 

[Joleneakamama]

It's probably there were issues between wives, just nothing important enough to record.

In two years I have had practically zero issues with my sisterwife....but lots of challenges dealing with the changes in my relationship with my husband. The new lady from Florida and I could commiserate I'm sure!
Just imagine a world where each child born first in a family has no expectation of ever having a sibling. Than when they are used to having all the parents' time and attention, say about 12 years old add, not a baby, babies are innocent and there is no expectations of them. Add another about their age or a few years younger. Imagine if you will what that child would go through just adapting to seeing their mom and dad happy with another child, spending time, giving gifts.

I could go on....but don't have time.

Most of my struggles have been figuring out how to make room for the new lady (that I love dearly)...and figure our what my place is...where I fit.... now that EVERYTHING is different.

 

[Sonshine]

Most of my struggles have been figuring out how to make room for the new lady (that I love dearly)...and figure our what my place is...where I fit.... now that EVERYTHING is different.

Figuring out your place… why is this so difficult for us? But this has been my experience as well.

 

[julieb]

Figuring out your place… why is this so difficult for us? But this has been my experience as well.

This is an interesting issue, do older children fill a bit of this as additional siblings are born? I am the baby! You just can't get around that a certain number of dynamics change when new babies arrive, and when new wives arrive. But to be fair a new job change that might take you to another State has a lot of new dynamics to deal with too. Face it, major change requires adjustments.

I am happy to say that I personally know 2 families that have 3 wives and that they might have had a few issues at the beginning, both moved on from those to loving and wanting the 3rd wife in their family pretty quickly. That gives me hope that God is helping many women let go of past cultural influences.

 

[paterfamilias]

Not a romantic.

Where did soul and little sensuality hide?

I would rather eat ice cream in bed. There are way more romantic options here.

Not really all about romance.
In the past a night out might be camp chairs and table in the middle of a vacant park for picnic with a bottle of wine and good chance at shenanigans in the bushes.
By the same token, sometimes you just need to hang out and do normal stuff as a couple. Different sort of bonding. Shenanigans come later.

 

[Joleneakamama]

Figuring out your place… why is this so difficult for us? But this has been my experience as well.

I think this may resonate with other first wives, but at least for me personally, part of it is that I had experience.... a lot of years of it......as an only wife. We had countless days, weeks, memories.....memories of good times, bad times....hot times.....but in all that experience there was just one wife in that picture.
Even liking the idea for 20 years ....and imagining the unfathomable crazy possibility of another woman wanting to be a second wife and (equally hard to imagine) being the kind of fit with us that would make my serious and cautious husband willing to actually still his neck out and risk rejection.....and then face the social fallout....

....none of that imagining will take the place of actually talking, sharing, talking about possibly awkward subjects.....or just time needed to learn that new member of the family. How can you express your needs without making someone feel bad, communicate appreciation, express affection, be support? What are the expectations? How can I help you with your baby? When would I be overstepping with your baby?

I love spending time together, but find that I also like visiting time with both my sw and hubby alone too.

The questions and areas of uncertainty have just happened. What should you do if you walk in on an intimate conversation or walk in on them kissing (or more?) Walk out? Stay? When are you intruding and when are you welcome? ....because until that imaginary person became a real flesh and blood part of your family there was no one there in your family that could do that to you.
This is a NEW situation a NEW EXPERIENCE and NOT ONE THAT MONOGAMY PREPARED YOU FOR!
We locked the kids out, they learned to knock or better yet leave us alone in our room.....but when you are sharing a room, or bathroom....having clarity on some of these issues is nice.

You have some aspects that are kind of like when people are 'dating' in that there is a degree of feeling the other person out. There is give and take, but also trying to read each other....or figure out (this is HUGE for me) THE INTENT OR EMOTION BEHIND THE WORDS OR ACTIONS.
I hate assumptions....I like just hearing in plain words what someone thinks or feels....but guess what? I am really lousy at talking about my own feelings at all!

So I'm sure there is as many relationship dynamic variations as there are relationships. ...but that is what my tired brain can come up with at the moment.

 

[The Revolting Man]

In two years I have had practically zero issues with my sisterwife....but lots of challenges dealing with the changes in my relationship with my husband. The new lady from Florida and I could commiserate I'm sure!
Just imagine a world where each child born first in a family has no expectation of ever having a sibling. Than when they are used to having all the parents' time and attention, say about 12 years old add, not a baby, babies are innocent and there is no expectations of them. Add another about their age or a few years younger. Imagine if you will what that child would go through just adapting to seeing their mom and dad happy with another child, spending time, giving gifts.

I could go on....but don't have time.

Most of my struggles have been figuring out how to make room for the new lady (that I love dearly)...and figure our what my place is...where I fit.... now that EVERYTHING is different.

Hmmmm, interesting observations. I'm the oldest of four boys and two of the boys are 6 and 7 years younger than me so I remember them being born and as babies vividly. I don't remember any issues about adjusting to a new dynamic or trying to reestablish my place in a now fundamentally altered family. I'll have to think on this for a while.

 

[Poodles]

A question that rattles around in the vacant space between my ears is; Why didn't Solomon write more about these female nature problems in e.g. Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, or Song of Songs, if it is indeed female nature? Thoughts...???

I think that it is more a case of nurture over nature, how women are raised in our society. In most of human history, women were 2nd class citizens, and their fathers/husbands made all the decisions for them about their lives. Such as who to marry and how the family was to be run. As a woman, you did what was expected of you, obey the man.
Given that is what society expected from you, most of the squabbles were dealt with by whoever was in charge of the home, the husband or, sometimes, the first wife. It was different than now.
We women are not raised to be in multi-wife families. We do not know to set boundaries, control behaviors, what to expect, nor how to handle the feelings and emotions rampant in this lifestyle. No one has taught us. So, we learn by trial and error. Thus, we are vocal about our challenges, looking for answers from other women. And we women who have lived this lifestyle for several or many years are willing to help with advice or prayer (or both, whatever is needed most).
And blessed are the men who can show their wives grace during this time of adjustment to the lifestyle.

 

[MeganC]

Of course. It’s female nature. Women seek and need stability and security.

It is female nature much the same as it is the nature of a rudderless ship to drift and run into ruin on the rocks.

Like a ship, we need a good man as our rudder and helmsman. The wise and watchful man keeps us from drifting and his steady hand keeps us from ruin.

And a good captain is useless without a ship to helm so in this much we complement each other.

It's almost as if someone designed us to need each other.

 

[Joleneakamama]

It's almost as if someone designed us to need each other

almost eh?

 

[MsPurple1]

Just read this! I know from experience that bringing in a a second wife was REALLY hard on me, first wife here. We are talking about a possible 3rd wife. It doesn’t seem that hard for me. My husband’s 2nd wife is having a really hard time with the possibility of a 3rd wife. Our feelings may not seem valid, but they are our feelings that we need to work out. Our husband does do his best to help us. But ultimately it’s the walk with the Lord that will help us in the long run. Along with following our husband’s path.

 

[MemeFan]

Just read this! I know from experience that bringing in a a second wife was REALLY hard on me, first wife here. We are talking about a possible 3rd wife. It doesn’t seem that hard for me. My husband’s 2nd wife is having a really hard time with the possibility of a 3rd wife. Our feelings may not seem valid, but they are our feelings that we need to work out. Our husband does do his best to help us. But ultimately it’s the walk with the Lord that will help us in the long run. Along with following our husband’s path.

Another proof for last wife syndrome.

It's always last wife who has issues with potencial new wife.

 

[Joleneakamama]

We are talking about a possible 3rd wife. It doesn’t seem that hard for me. My husband’s 2nd wife is having a really hard time with the possibility of a 3rd wife.

We aren't at all looking at a third....but I've heard 3 is easier than 2.

Because even if one is with hubby (trip?) the other isn't alone.