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Have sooo many questions. Looking for support to not feel convicted.

I would also like to add, and I hate to say this, but we are not here to soothe anybody's conscience. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you for any reason, you have to know and understand why, and how God wants to use your story. This forum is not about how to make someone who for whatever reason, feels guilt, to not feel convicted any more. I don't have any easy answers for you, and I don't think anybody else here does. We love the prospect that you could join a plural family, but we will never advise you to go against the Holy Spirit.
 
Reading all this I realize my life sounds like a Jerry Springer episode. And there is so so so much more. I guess I sometimes forget how dysfunctional my life was while I was trying to find my way.

I'll reply to a few things shortly.

Thank you all for being so open and honest with me considering I'm a brand new member.

Your different view points have really helped me start to sort through this
 
Well, know that no matter what you have been through, and what you may have done, you will always be loved here, and also know that no matter what you are going through, we have a prayer forum, and dozens of people will lift you up before the throne of Grace.
 
LovingHimAlways said:
So the feeling I have now I don't believe is based on my divorce. I guess my fear is that any sin can be forgiven with true repentance. However we have all agreed if I make this commitment in this new marriage it is meant to be forever. So if I wake up 3 years from now and suddenly feel like I'm living in sin because I'm not legally married I wouldn't want to break the vow I made to my new poly marriage.
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One thing you will come to understand here, is that the prohibitions against divorce in Scripture, are primarily directed towards the husband, whereas the prohibitions against remarriage, are primarily aimed at the wife. Remarriage, for a husband, introduces a second wife, which is not adultery. He simply needs to reconcile with wife #1, if she seeks reconciliation. Remarriage, for a wife, introduces a second husband, which is most likely why Jesus said in Matt 5:32, that whoever releases (apaloosa) his wife, except for fornication, causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries her that is divorced, commits adultery with her. I don't think anybody here believes that you sinned at al, when you divorced your husband. The interesting thing to note, is in the Old Testament, it was always, the husband releasing his wife, with what is called a "Get", or Bill of Divorce, but in the New Testament, a wife could divorce her husband, as they were under Roman Law. We see that example with Herod and his brother's wife. I said that to say this: As @rockfox eluded to, the guilt that you feel, appears to come from remarriage and not polygamy, but I would also add that it doesn't come from divorcing your husbands, either.
 
Daniel DeLuca said:
Wow! Ummm, that's insane! How do your children feel about all this? I'm pretty sure they understand.

What is it that makes you feel so convicted? Clearly, #2 might as well have divorced you, since he endangered your life. Introducing #3, has a potential of provoking #2, for lack of a better word, into putting you and #3, on the evening news, in not a good way, if you know what I mean, so you will definitely need to be cautious about this, for reasons outside of Scripture. I would still encourage you to get all parties to check out Biblical Families. We want to help in any way that we can.

EDIT: WOW! Cocaine! That's messed up.
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Children are thrilled about the divorce and only wish I had done it sooner since having him as a step father gave them some issues they are still working through. Thankfully my relationship with all of them has been completely restored and is stronger than ever.

They like #3 they remember him from before. However they don't know he's still legally married and I'm not sure if I would tell them the truth.

That's part of the conviction feeling like I would have to lie to be accepted by my loved ones.
 
Daniel DeLuca said:
Tell #2, that Dan from Biblical Families said that he should be put to death for what he did. I don't think that failure to accomplish a murder you attempted to commit, should exempt a person from Capital Punishment. I want him on here, so we can discuss this.

Tell #1 that his drug habit is a shortcut to happiness, and is a replacement for hard work where you cam reap the rewards of diligence and those rewards don't go away when you come down from your drug induced high. Instead of spiraling downward, he should be focusing on doing the things that will bring lasting happiness, like spending time with those children. Also, if any of those women he has been messing around with, have a husband, we know that God will judge the fornicator and the adulterer, and sleeping with a married woman, is clearly defined in scripture, as adultery, punishable by death. Not only that, but drug users have been known to get girlfriends hooked on drugs, and sometimes, those girlfriends get all cleaned up, and then one interaction with the old boyfriend, and they get right back hooked on those drugs, and those girlfriends have been known to overdose, which we all know, can be fatal. This man may have blood on his hands. He needs to get on here as well.
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#1 thankfully stopped doing drugs to my knowledge.... however he drinks alot and in my opinion is a borderline alcoholic ...

But yes #1 slept with married women.. he honestly didn't care. I guess his philosophy was if it feels good ... do it.

I guess he just has a very addictive personality and sex, drugs, alcohol were all part of that addiction. He seems to be settling down somewhat he has a new girlfriend that seems good for him.


#2 took off with my car, all the money in our account and several thousands of dollars worth of possessions and moved back to the state we were living in before this last move. Honestly if that is what it cost me to be free of him then it was worth it as he's still begging for another chance. I've blocked him repeatedly but he still finds a way to contact me.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
Hi, and welcome to Biblical Families!

The bible can be very black and white, but life, unfortunately, is grey. Some people choose only to read black and white, others understand that our life is a mess and full of sin and difficulties and at some point we need to figure out what to do right now, rather than what we were doing in the past.

You have two failed marriages on your hands. I know you tried, and I know that your husbands had faults, and still do. But it's very rarely one side that breaks up a marriage, there are two sides to every story.

So, before you get remarried, plural or not, you need to make sure you are aware of your part in the breakdown of your previous marriages, and how you can make sure that doesn't happen again. What do you need to do, how do you need to change?

We have a ladies chat on Monday evenings, 730pm Eastern time. I will be there today, and it would be wonderful if you would join us. The chat is at the top of the page.
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Thank you for the invite.

I started daily devotionals and journaling about 2 years ago. There were alot of past traumas, abuse and hurts I needed to deal with. I had repressed memories come back and had to deal with those. I did seek counseling. I realized that I had alot unforgiveness in my heart that kept me from loving someone fully. I had trust issues and could barely even trust God. I repented for my sins that God convicted me of and I was able to do alot of healing. During this time I started preparing for my escape. I gave husband #2 one final chance to change... he didn't know this was his final chance but in my heart it was. I begged him to get professional help but he refused. So we decided to move closer to my family where I knew that I would be protected.

My first marriage I was a baby having babies. I had no idea what it meant to be a wife or a mother. My emotions were all over the place. Having babies back to back and dealing with an unfaithful husband. I made many many mistakes ... none of my mistakes justified his actions ... but I did learn and grow from them.

Husband #2 I was a much better wife then with #1. My biggest mistake here was marrying him against the will of God. Which is why I'm trying to not leap head first into #3 based on feelings and emotions ... I learned from #2 that if God isn't behind a marriage and at the center of it... it will never work.

I'm sure I still have areas that I need to grow in. Hopefully the more active I become in this community the more areas of growth needed will be discovered.
 
LovingHimAlways said:
#1 thankfully stopped doing drugs to my knowledge.... however he drinks alot and in my opinion is a borderline alcoholic ...

But yes #1 slept with married women.. he honestly didn't care. I guess his philosophy was if it feels good ... do it.

I guess he just has a very addictive personality and sex, drugs, alcohol were all part of that addiction. He seems to be settling down somewhat he has a new girlfriend that seems good for him.


#2 took off with my car, all the money in our account and several thousands of dollars worth of possessions and moved back to the state we were living in before this last move. Honestly if that is what it cost me to be free of him then it was worth it as he's still begging for another chance. I've blocked him repeatedly but he still finds a way to contact me.
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A factor that @Daniel DeLuca hasn't accounted for in his advice to seek reconciliation if possible is that both former husbands committed capital offenses. By that I mean, if you want to really understand the Law of God in this situation, adultery on #1's part and occult/witchcraft on #2's part are both death penalty offenses in the Torah. While those penalties are not applied and the men can be forgiven by you and God, had you lived at that time, you would not be a divorcee, you'd be a widow and the remarriage would be a non-issue.

If you have done the best you can and sought Yah's face and forgiven them, I recommend moving on. As @FollowingHim2 said, figure out what you could have done better/differently so that any error on your part is not repeated or brought into the new relationship. Study the Word and know, with full understanding how to explain and articulate the truth to effectively defend your decision, then trust Yah and move forward with a very tender heart toward the FW in the picture. Be her friend, helper, etc. Love her. Don't replace her, but come along side and be a part of the family.

Blessings.
 
Daniel DeLuca said:
I would also like to add, and I hate to say this, but we are not here to soothe anybody's conscience. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you for any reason, you have to know and understand why, and how God wants to use your story. This forum is not about how to make someone who for whatever reason, feels guilt, to not feel convicted any more. I don't have any easy answers for you, and I don't think anybody else here does. We love the prospect that you could join a plural family, but we will never advise you to go against the Holy Spirit.
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Thank you and I truly appreciate all your feedback. I will continue to learn more about PM while I seek the will of God in my life.

I think my conviction comes more from outside influences rather than God. Like feeling I would have to hide the truth from my family and friends for them to still accept me.
 
LovingHimAlways said:
I think my conviction comes more from outside influences rather than God. Like feeling I would have to hide the truth from my family and friends for them to still accept me
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Please God rather than men... He's the final Authority and the only one you really have to give account to besides your husband.
 
Not sure how that facebook link will work. Say something if it is broken. In short, there are differing opinions on here about the validity of divorce, as you can imagine. One thing that really cleared things up for me is a study on the difference between "putting away" and legal divorce. The first is as if you became permanently separated but never followed through with the divorce...in limbo so to speak. But yes, counseling is always wise to help us evaluate our thoughts, actions, etc. It is a life long process IMO...
 
Welcome to biblical families!
The people here I have had the pleasure of interacting online with are serious about their faith and take God at His word. Those I've met in real life are extraordinary indeed.

Most Christians do have hang ups about polygyny. The irony is that 84% of the world's cultures accept a man having more then one wife. Western culture is the minority view. (Only 4% of cultures accept women having multiple husbands)

I hope the varied perspectives here help you sort things out. I hope too that you are blessed by being here.

Family is important. I'm sure your children want you to find your place. Hopefully they will be able to see the truth, and you won't have to hide anything... eventually.
 
PeteR said:
A factor that @Daniel DeLuca hasn't accounted for in his advice to seek reconciliation if possible is that both former husbands committed capital offenses. By that I mean, if you want to really understand the Law of God in this situation, adultery on #1's part and occult/witchcraft on #2's part are both death penalty offenses in the Torah. While those penalties are not applied and the men can be forgiven by you and God, had you lived at that time, you would not be a divorcee, you'd be a widow and the remarriage would be a non-issue.

If you have done the best you can and sought Yah's face and forgiven them, I recommend moving on. As @FollowingHim2 said, figure out what you could have done better/differently so that any error on your part is not repeated or brought into the new relationship. Study the Word and know, with full understanding how to explain and articulate the truth to effectively defend your decision, then trust Yah and move forward with a very tender heart toward the FW in the picture. Be her friend, helper, etc. Love her. Don't replace her, but come along side and be a part of the family.

Blessings.
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I never would have looked at this with that perspective. I have never heard it explained quite like that. Thank you for this insight. I can't tell you how much reading this actually helped me. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

As for FW I already am starting to love her. I feel saddened by her life and honestly want to try to make it better. I feel she is suffering from depression which is something I'm very familiar with... and I honestly believe I could help her as more than just a caregiver. I could never replace FW and the fact that she loves possible #3 enough to accept me into their family makes me feel closer to her already. It is not my intent to make her feel jealous or replaced. We will each have a place and a role in his life. She has always been his confidant someone whom he could share anything with including loving me. She is his voice of reason and is able to give very good counsel. Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me so I believe she will be the more level headed one.

I'm sure she will have to deal with the jealously issue more than me but it might still occur. One question she had asked was if he could still sleep in her room some nights to hold and comfort her. At first I was severely opposed to this. Like no... nighttime is our time. But I feel my heart changing towards her already.

#3 and I were talking yesterday and he was telling me about a difficult situation FW was dealing with and before I knew it I told him... you know she really needs you right now... maybe you should stay in her room with her tonight.

We are not living together since I have taken a step back to figure out if this is right for me.

So I so feel my heart softening to FW more and more. It's almost as if the more I fall in love with him the more I come to love her also.

Thank you again for this fresh perspective. I thought I had heard every side of this argument being raised in different denominational churches... but yours was brand new...
 
LovingHimAlways said:
Thank you and I truly appreciate all your feedback. I will continue to learn more about PM while I seek the will of God in my life.

I think my conviction comes more from outside influences rather than God. Like feeling I would have to hide the truth from my family and friends for them to still accept me.
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OK, that is not from the Holy Spirit then. Forget about what outsiders think! They need to study the Word for themselves.
 
PeteR said:
A factor that @Daniel DeLuca hasn't accounted for in his advice to seek reconciliation if possible is that both former husbands committed capital offenses. By that I mean, if you want to really understand the Law of God in this situation, adultery on #1's part and occult/witchcraft on #2's part are both death penalty offenses in the Torah. While those penalties are not applied and the men can be forgiven by you and God, had you lived at that time, you would not be a divorcee, you'd be a widow and the remarriage would be a non-issue.

If you have done the best you can and sought Yah's face and forgiven them, I recommend moving on. As @FollowingHim2 said, figure out what you could have done better/differently so that any error on your part is not repeated or brought into the new relationship. Study the Word and know, with full understanding how to explain and articulate the truth to effectively defend your decision, then trust Yah and move forward with a very tender heart toward the FW in the picture. Be her friend, helper, etc. Love her. Don't replace her, but come along side and be a part of the family.

Blessings.
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I'll go even further and say that God will put them to death Himself, if they are reproved enough, and they stiffen their necks. That is found in Prov 27:1
 
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