Have sooo many questions. Looking for support to not feel convicted.

[Daniel DeLuca]

I never would have looked at this with that perspective. I have never heard it explained quite like that. Thank you for this insight. I can't tell you how much reading this actually helped me. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

As for FW I already am starting to love her. I feel saddened by her life and honestly want to try to make it better. I feel she is suffering from depression which is something I'm very familiar with... and I honestly believe I could help her as more than just a caregiver. I could never replace FW and the fact that she loves possible #3 enough to accept me into their family makes me feel closer to her already. It is not my intent to make her feel jealous or replaced. We will each have a place and a role in his life. She has always been his confidant someone whom he could share anything with including loving me. She is his voice of reason and is able to give very good counsel. Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me so I believe she will be the more level headed one.

I'm sure she will have to deal with the jealously issue more than me but it might still occur. One question she had asked was if he could still sleep in her room some nights to hold and comfort her. At first I was severely opposed to this. Like no... nighttime is our time. But I feel my heart changing towards her already.

#3 and I were talking yesterday and he was telling me about a difficult situation FW was dealing with and before I knew it I told him... you know she really needs you right now... maybe you should stay in her room with her tonight.

We are not living together since I have taken a step back to figure out if this is right for me.

So I so feel my heart softening to FW more and more. It's almost as if the more I fall in love with him the more I come to love her also.

Thank you again for this fresh perspective. I thought I had heard every side of this argument being raised in different denominational churches... but yours was brand new...

I think a lot of FWs find themselves quite sympathetic to women such as you, knowing that they got a good thing in the husband that they have, and have learned to appreciate what they got, simply by getting to know someone such as yourself, who didn't do so well in that endeavor, which is something that a lot of FWs take for granted.

 

[LovingHimAlways]

I think a lot of FWs find themselves quite sympathetic to women such as you, knowing that they got a good thing in the husband that they have, and have learned to appreciate what they got, simply by getting to know someone such as yourself, who didn't do so well in that endeavor, which is something that a lot of FWs take for granted.

I actually never thought about that from her perspective. Here I am feeling sympathetic to her because of her physical ailments... but she has had 27 years of marriage with a man that truly loves her and has cared for her all these years where I have suffered various degrees of abuse in my two marriages.

In many ways she has been so much more blessed than me despite her health. And even now she has a husband that loves her enough to not divorce her but rather seek her acceptance of a 2nd wife.

Thank you for helping me see that side of it. I was worried she might start to think I feel sorry for her when in reality she might be feeling sorry for me and everything that I've gone through. I think in time we could definitely be a blessing to each other.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

I'm sure she will have to deal with the jealously issue more than me but it might still occur. One question she had asked was if he could still sleep in her room some nights to hold and comfort her. At first I was severely opposed to this. Like no... nighttime is our time. But I feel my heart changing towards her already.

I’d be very careful here. This should be decided by the husband. You are setting yourself up as the bad gal here if you do not place this decision squarely on his shoulders.

In addition, he has a responsibility to continue her rights of cohabitation or marriage rights after bringing in a new wife. These are so much more than intercourse, and in this case, where sexual intimacy is difficult/impossible, he needs to be extra vigilant to provide the emotional and physical contact (hugs, touch, closeness) that every wife would need. His failure to do so will ultimately undermine his relationship with you and any additional wives he may add.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

BTW, welcome to our little corner of cyberspace. Hope you find all the help you’re looking for. There’s a great bunch of people here.

 

[LovingHimAlways]

I’d be very careful here. This should be decided by the husband. You are setting yourself up as the bad gal here if you do not place this decision squarely on his shoulders.

In addition, he has a responsibility to continue her rights of cohabitation or marriage rights after bringing in a new wife. These are so much more than intercourse, and in this case, where sexual intimacy is difficult/impossible, he needs to be extra vigilant to provide the emotional and physical contact (hugs, touch, closeness) that every wife would need. His failure to do so will ultimately undermine his relationship with you and any additional wives he may add.

Now that all my past drama was addressed... I'll give a little background into how the idea of PM came up for me. In many posts that I've read so far it seems as if the FW often is the one that needed the convincing to join this lifestyle. I'm not saying this is the case every time but it seems to be a common thread I've been reading.

In this particular situation I have been the one that has had to be talked into this ... so to speak. In one of my replies I mentioned how over 15 years ago FW had agreed to let me join their family because #3 was in love with me and I was in love with him. However... I refused to even consider it at that time. And #3 had considered divorcing FW to be with me. But as you can imagine there was a lot of intense feelings and emotions for everyone and long story short I ended up getting angry, & upset and left town vowing never to return to this place which I didn't for 10 years.

Because it's a small town he found me shortly after I moved back... and here we are. Even in the beginning. I took the stand I did 15 years ago ... that if he wanted to be with me he needed to divorce his wife and marry me. But then a combination of God and #3 talking to me about PM I slowly started to warm up to the idea.

At first I was more concerned about my place and their dynamic and what would and would not occur and ... typical jealous possessive behavior which obviously won't work in a PM. Every time he would refer to FW as my future sister wife my skin crawled and I told him not to call her that. I would be with him... and a friend to her. I was VERY reluctant to the real idea of a PM with a sister wife.

It has been months of open honest discussions with everyone. Sometimes #3 would talk to me separately about my concerns then talk to FW separately about my concerns and she would share hers. I guess he realized that until I truly had a heart for PM and FW it was better to let him be the mediator for a while. FW was on board but her biggest concern which had justification was that I would change my mind and try to force him to divorce her again.

So fast forward several months and my heart has completely changed towards PM and FW. I am honestly starting to really care about her if not fully love her yet which I believe will come in time. She is learning to trust me and no longer view me as the threat I was all those years ago.

So when I said at first I was like no way to him spending nights in her room... it was because I was still struggling with PM and basically was trying to set this relationship up like a mono marriage between him and I with her just kinda there. Obviously I had the wrong heart at that time.

However with his patience, guidance, compassion and understanding he has helped me see PM in a totally different way.

Now that we have all managed to work out the initial challenges of accepting this lifestyle (well mainly me) the last thing I had to overcome before committing to this marriage was the guilt I was feeling based on my loved ones not being able to understand... well honestly my children. My mother knows and she sees nothing wrong with it. My aunt who is like a mother to me knows and sees nothing wrong with it. They just want me to be happy and finally be with a man who will love, honor and cherish me.

So it's primarily my children who I raised with the same traditional Christian "values" I was taught. How do I suddenly tell them... everything mom taught you about marriage is wrong and I'm going to be a second wife in a PM. I honestly think my oldest might start praying for my my deliverance right then and there. Or think I've been brain washed by a poly cult... lol... not really funny but I could totally see this happening. This is the same child that started crying when I came home with my first tattoo and she said she was crying because now I was going to hell. Apparently my ex MIL had told her anyone who got a tattoo couldn't enter the kingdom of heaven... really... she thought this was appropriate to tell a 9 year old.. so yes this is that same daughter ... which is why it would take an absolute miracle for her to not view my choice as rebellion and sin and that I was simply twisting scripture to get it to agree with my sinful decision.

Anyway that was a longer post than I extracted but it kind of sums up how I went from being completely opposed to PM 15 years ago... to reluctantly agreeing to it.... to now looking forward to it while starting to love and care for my future SW.

I can't fully express my gratitude to all of you for you feedback it really means alot that you would take your time to help me with the issues I've been struggling with.

I'm sorry I missed the women's chat tonight. #3 came by to visit with me for a little while before heading home with FW dinner and medicine. Hopefully next week I'll be able to join.

Looking forward to getting to know all of you better in this new journey of mine.

 

[Tirtza]

Shalom and welcome

 

[Tirtza]

Now that all my past drama was addressed... I'll give a little background into how the idea of PM came up for me. In many posts that I've read so far it seems as if the FW often is the one that needed the convincing to join this lifestyle. I'm not saying this is the case every time but it seems to be a common thread I've been reading.

In this particular situation I have been the one that has had to be talked into this ... so to speak. In one of my replies I mentioned how over 15 years ago FW had agreed to let me join their family because #3 was in love with me and I was in love with him. However... I refused to even consider it at that time. And #3 had considered divorcing FW to be with me. But as you can imagine there was a lot of intense feelings and emotions for everyone and long story short I ended up getting angry, & upset and left town vowing never to return to this place which I didn't for 10 years.

Because it's a small town he found me shortly after I moved back... and here we are. Even in the beginning. I took the stand I did 15 years ago ... that if he wanted to be with me he needed to divorce his wife and marry me. But then a combination of God and #3 talking to me about PM I slowly started to warm up to the idea.

At first I was more concerned about my place and their dynamic and what would and would not occur and ... typical jealous possessive behavior which obviously won't work in a PM. Every time he would refer to FW as my future sister wife my skin crawled and I told him not to call her that. I would be with him... and a friend to her. I was VERY reluctant to the real idea of a PM with a sister wife.

It has been months of open honest discussions with everyone. Sometimes #3 would talk to me separately about my concerns then talk to FW separately about my concerns and she would share hers. I guess he realized that until I truly had a heart for PM and FW it was better to let him be the mediator for a while. FW was on board but her biggest concern which had justification was that I would change my mind and try to force him to divorce her again.

So fast forward several months and my heart has completely changed towards PM and FW. I am honestly starting to really care about her if not fully love her yet which I believe will come in time. She is learning to trust me and no longer view me as the threat I was all those years ago.

So when I said at first I was like no way to him spending nights in her room... it was because I was still struggling with PM and basically was trying to set this relationship up like a mono marriage between him and I with her just kinda there. Obviously I had the wrong heart at that time.

However with his patience, guidance, compassion and understanding he has helped me see PM in a totally different way.

Now that we have all managed to work out the initial challenges of accepting this lifestyle (well mainly me) the last thing I had to overcome before committing to this marriage was the guilt I was feeling based on my loved ones not being able to understand... well honestly my children. My mother knows and she sees nothing wrong with it. My aunt who is like a mother to me knows and sees nothing wrong with it. They just want me to be happy and finally be with a man who will love, honor and cherish me.

So it's primarily my children who I raised with the same traditional Christian "values" I was taught. How do I suddenly tell them... everything mom taught you about marriage is wrong and I'm going to be a second wife in a PM. I honestly think my oldest might start praying for my my deliverance right then and there. Or think I've been brain washed by a poly cult... lol... not really funny but I could totally see this happening. This is the same child that started crying when I came home with my first tattoo and she said she was crying because now I was going to hell. Apparently my ex MIL had told her anyone who got a tattoo couldn't enter the kingdom of heaven... really... she thought this was appropriate to tell a 9 year old.. so yes this is that same daughter ... which is why it would take an absolute miracle for her to not view my choice as rebellion and sin and that I was simply twisting scripture to get it to agree with my sinful decision.

Anyway that was a longer post than I extracted but it kind of sums up how I went from being completely opposed to PM 15 years ago... to reluctantly agreeing to it.... to now looking forward to it while starting to love and care for my future SW.

I can't fully express my gratitude to all of you for you feedback it really means alot that you would take your time to help me with the issues I've been struggling with.

I'm sorry I missed the women's chat tonight. #3 came by to visit with me for a little while before heading home with FW dinner and medicine. Hopefully next week I'll be able to join.

Looking forward to getting to know all of you better in this new journey of mine.

You may inbox me anytime. I'm here if u need to talk Shalom

 

[Robeld]

Now that all my past drama was addressed... I'll give a little background into how the idea of PM came up for me. In many posts that I've read so far it seems as if the FW often is the one that needed the convincing to join this lifestyle. I'm not saying this is the case every time but it seems to be a common thread I've been reading.

In this particular situation I have been the one that has had to be talked into this ... so to speak. In one of my replies I mentioned how over 15 years ago FW had agreed to let me join their family because #3 was in love with me and I was in love with him. However... I refused to even consider it at that time. And #3 had considered divorcing FW to be with me. But as you can imagine there was a lot of intense feelings and emotions for everyone and long story short I ended up getting angry, & upset and left town vowing never to return to this place which I didn't for 10 years.

Because it's a small town he found me shortly after I moved back... and here we are. Even in the beginning. I took the stand I did 15 years ago ... that if he wanted to be with me he needed to divorce his wife and marry me. But then a combination of God and #3 talking to me about PM I slowly started to warm up to the idea.

At first I was more concerned about my place and their dynamic and what would and would not occur and ... typical jealous possessive behavior which obviously won't work in a PM. Every time he would refer to FW as my future sister wife my skin crawled and I told him not to call her that. I would be with him... and a friend to her. I was VERY reluctant to the real idea of a PM with a sister wife.

It has been months of open honest discussions with everyone. Sometimes #3 would talk to me separately about my concerns then talk to FW separately about my concerns and she would share hers. I guess he realized that until I truly had a heart for PM and FW it was better to let him be the mediator for a while. FW was on board but her biggest concern which had justification was that I would change my mind and try to force him to divorce her again.

So fast forward several months and my heart has completely changed towards PM and FW. I am honestly starting to really care about her if not fully love her yet which I believe will come in time. She is learning to trust me and no longer view me as the threat I was all those years ago.

So when I said at first I was like no way to him spending nights in her room... it was because I was still struggling with PM and basically was trying to set this relationship up like a mono marriage between him and I with her just kinda there. Obviously I had the wrong heart at that time.

However with his patience, guidance, compassion and understanding he has helped me see PM in a totally different way.

Now that we have all managed to work out the initial challenges of accepting this lifestyle (well mainly me) the last thing I had to overcome before committing to this marriage was the guilt I was feeling based on my loved ones not being able to understand... well honestly my children. My mother knows and she sees nothing wrong with it. My aunt who is like a mother to me knows and sees nothing wrong with it. They just want me to be happy and finally be with a man who will love, honor and cherish me.

So it's primarily my children who I raised with the same traditional Christian "values" I was taught. How do I suddenly tell them... everything mom taught you about marriage is wrong and I'm going to be a second wife in a PM. I honestly think my oldest might start praying for my my deliverance right then and there. Or think I've been brain washed by a poly cult... lol... not really funny but I could totally see this happening. This is the same child that started crying when I came home with my first tattoo and she said she was crying because now I was going to hell. Apparently my ex MIL had told her anyone who got a tattoo couldn't enter the kingdom of heaven... really... she thought this was appropriate to tell a 9 year old.. so yes this is that same daughter ... which is why it would take an absolute miracle for her to not view my choice as rebellion and sin and that I was simply twisting scripture to get it to agree with my sinful decision.

Anyway that was a longer post than I extracted but it kind of sums up how I went from being completely opposed to PM 15 years ago... to reluctantly agreeing to it.... to now looking forward to it while starting to love and care for my future SW.

I can't fully express my gratitude to all of you for you feedback it really means alot that you would take your time to help me with the issues I've been struggling with.

I'm sorry I missed the women's chat tonight. #3 came by to visit with me for a little while before heading home with FW dinner and medicine. Hopefully next week I'll be able to join.

Looking forward to getting to know all of you better in this new journey of mine.

I have shared a few great articles with my kids. The boys are like me, meaning they consider scripture the authority for pretty much everything. My 23 year old daughter is still trying to find her way and questioning everything. We have talked about poly and how I am seeing certain things in a totally different light. I think she likes that because it's like me admittting I was wrong and that I don't "know it all". Lol
I bought several books on the subject that were recommended by people here, especially @PeteR through his blog and articles on Biblical Marriage. After reading a couple, I was convinced. Maybe this strategy would be helpful to you. That way, it's not just about what mom thinks or says. Keep us posted...continuing to pray.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

You might want to focus on verses where Jesus spoke against the traditions of His day, and help your oldest understand that Traditional Marriage is not quite the same thing as Biblical Marriage. For instance, you wanted #3 to set aside the commandments of God (condemning divorce) in order to be in line with the traditions of men (monogamy).

 

[Mojo]

Welcome, @LovingHimAlways

Glad to have you here. I don't get on the site as often as I would like but did stumble upon your post.

I will let you and the Holy Spirit decide on the appropriateness of this potential new arrangement for you. I won't parse scripture over it. You know your life story better than anyone here.

Since you do know your life better than any of us, I would encourage you to sit down and truly examine if you are ready to join this family. It seems like you found yourself in a dysfunctional relationship at an early age and then stumbled into another one not long after the first one ended. You now seem to have found a stable relationship to join with but it doesn't mean you don't still have some of the baggage from the past. How much of that dysfunction from your past was solely the fault of your spouses? Only you can determine. How much of it have you absorbed and carry with you? Only you can determine. If you have dysfunctional behaviors, do you really want to introduce that into what seems like a stable and loving relationship?

My personal advice would be to give this relationship time to develop. It doesn't seem like this man is going anywhere. You may need time to let the Almighty do a pruning job and cut off some of the rough edges you may have accumulated through years of dysfunction. You may need time to determine if this man is up to the task of caring for an ill wife AND absorbing you into his life.

I don't know you, or your situation beyond what you've posted. You can take my words and do as you please. Blessings to you.

 

[cnystrom]

Now that we have all managed to work out the initial challenges of accepting this lifestyle (well mainly me) the last thing I had to overcome before committing to this marriage was the guilt I was feeling based on my loved ones not being able to understand... well honestly my children. My mother knows and she sees nothing wrong with it. My aunt who is like a mother to me knows and sees nothing wrong with it. They just want me to be happy and finally be with a man who will love, honor and cherish me.

So it's primarily my children who I raised with the same traditional Christian "values" I was taught. How do I suddenly tell them... everything mom taught you about marriage is wrong and I'm going to be a second wife in a PM. I honestly think my oldest might start praying for my my deliverance right then and there. Or think I've been brain washed by a poly cult... lol... not really funny but I could totally see this happening. This is the same child that started crying when I came home with my first tattoo and she said she was crying because now I was going to hell. Apparently my ex MIL had told her anyone who got a tattoo couldn't enter the kingdom of heaven... really... she thought this was appropriate to tell a 9 year old.. so yes this is that same daughter ... which is why it would take an absolute miracle for her to not view my choice as rebellion and sin and that I was simply twisting scripture to get it to agree with my sinful decision.

First of all, excellent news about your Mother and your Aunt. At least you have some support. Many do not even get that.

About the children. How many are there? How old are they? How much will they be living with you?

Unfortunately, I do not think that there is an easy or simple way to tell them. You just have to share your faith journey with them and give them (Biblical) reasons for the faith that you hold. Look for teachable moments. Like a lot of parenting you do the best you can and pray God makes up the difference. Hopefully they can see how much you love God and how much you love them. Sometimes (often) it takes time.

If you are going to live it (as opposed to simply holding the belief) it is probably better to tell them sooner rather than later. The longer you hide it from them the more hurt they might feel if they sense they you have been hiding a secret from them.

They can be much joy and blessings in polygamy, but sometimes it can be a very hard road, too.

Best wishes, and welcome to the site.