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How does Courting a SW differ from the FW in your experience?

L

Lilac

New Member
Female
My husband is courting a lady online and he likes her and she him. I agree that she seems to be a good fit.

She has stated recently that she wants to be conquered like a first wife. She mentions a story of a man sending gifts and money for a year to the maidens family, which get returned if the marriage doesn’t occur (I don’t think she expects this exact thing but she has mentioned it twice so I think it demonstrates a certain mindset).

My somewhat triggered reaction to this is…. But she’s not a FW so why should she expect the same thing? He’s already a father and husband and has less time and money to “conquer”. As a potential SW she is entering a family where all the hard work of setting up the home and family dynamic has been completed.

She has sent videos and photos and many text conversations have been had so the all three of us, but she refuses to have a video phone call with a man she has not met, citing that it’s too “intimate” and she is too “modest” and that she will not “submit” to a man who is not her husband. She also expects all the finances to come from him, to fly her over to Australia to meet him.

I respect her clarity and bravery of communicating this to him.

It seem a little hypocritical though. On one hand she expects to not be submissive to him before they are married, and on the other hand for him to provide- as a husband would - the finances needed for her to fly to meet him which would seem to be what a husband does. All without having a live phone or video call with myself or husband.

Please forgive me as I was a worldly unchristian woman when I met my Christian husband and converted and married. I don’t know if this is normal behaviour for a modest traditional Christian girl from Brazil. Perhaps it is and I’m hoping for insight here.

My husband is leading us in this but appreciates when I do research which is why I am asking you for your thoughts.
And I acknowledge I’m a little triggered by this traditional Christian version of “princess treatment”. I liked her a lot up until this point, and now I’m a little concerned.

I look forward to your thoughts and experience. How was it for you when you were courting your second wife, and what is reasonable for a potential SW to demand/expect in the courting phase?
 
I hate to say this, but in this day and age you need to have a video call with her before you fly her over so you know she's not a scammer.
I mean, she most likely is not, but the fact that she's so against a video call is kinda weird and concerning. You could well give her money for a flight and never hear from her again. Or hear from her that there was a mistake with the ticket, she missed her plane, please send money for another ticket etc...

There's nothing wrong with her wanting some special courting actions. I can understand that. As long as she understands that it's not going to be exactly like if she was the first wife, because he already has a first wife and needs to focus on her as well. It is never going to be like it is only the two of them, and she will need to understand that.
 
I’m sorry, but I see too many red flags.
Suggesting twice that she should receive gifts before meeting and not being willing to video chat is very concerning.
Have you done any kind of background check on her?
 
FollowingHim2 said:
I mean, she most likely is not
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I'm going to disagree with Sarah, and say: She's a scammer. If she won't do a video call, 100% she's a scammer (and probably a male one at that). Don't send "her" a cent.

Romantic scams are highly developed, people are well practiced and know exactly how to make themselves appear genuine, know how to get you emotionally engaged so that you will feel a moral obligation to help them out. This is really common. Don't be a victim.

The videos and photos she has sent are not necessarily her.

Sorry to bust your bubble, but the earlier you work this out and come to grips with the fact you've been lied to the less you'll be hurt. It might be painful today but it will only be more painful tomorrow.
 
I think I should provide more context.
The videos she has provided are quite in depth and use our names and reply specifically to us. We would not consider sending her money of course, but would purchase a ticket using her passport details and in her name, so no money or gifts would be sent. She hasn’t actually asked us to send money and knows that our current financial situation prohibits this from occurring.
The idea is for her to visit us for a month so we can be sure she is a good fit before making any commitments.

i agree that a video call needs to happen. If she really is as excited to meet us as she suggests, and is willing to meet us in person, she should be able to have a video call.
 
Lilac said:
If she really is as excited to meet us as she suggests, and is willing to meet us in person, she should be able to have a video call.
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Bingo!
Seriously, you guys need multiple video chats before going any further with this.

And do a background check, people don’t even hire truck drivers without them and you are considering bringing this person into your home.
 
RED FLAGS, RED FLAGS RED FLAGS... and just in case you missed it, RED FLAGS.

Please @Lilac, take the time to verify this person is genuine. Sit down with your husband and watch some of the dating scam videos on YouTube. There are a lot of them, some sad and shocking stories, and the situation you describe looks too much like some of those I've seen.

I will give you the same advice I received, advice which has spared me from disaster. NEVER send money to someone you have not personally met face to face! Never become emotionally attached to someone you aren't 100% positive is who they claim to be.

May God guide you through this challenge. Shalom
 
Lilac said:
She has stated recently that she wants to be conquered like a first wife. She mentions a story of a man sending gifts and money for a year to the maidens family, which get returned if the marriage doesn’t occur
Click to expand...
This is either a scam or worse still a manipulative demanding diva who will come into your home and destroy it.

No video call is ridiculous.

Encourage your husband let him know there are plenty of women out there who would appreciate being part of his house. Let her go, pray to our father in heaven. Where YAH God guides he provides.
 
Lilac said:
The videos she has provided are quite in depth and use our names and reply specifically to us.
Click to expand...
This is very easy for a professional scam artist to do. They could be making personalised videos for 20 different people one after the other. That's just as easy as writing messages to 20 people. It proves nothing.

Even if she did do a video call, that would not prove that she isn't a scammer - scammers do video calls also. You'd still need to be very careful. I am certainly not saying "get her to do a video call, then you'll know she's genuine".

The point I am making is solely that if she refuses to have a video call, that is highly suspicious and makes it essentially 100% certain that there is something highly fishy going on here.
 
FollowingHim said:
Even if she did do a video call, that would not prove that she isn't a scammer - scammers do video calls also. You'd still need to be very careful. I am certainly not saying "get her to do a video call, then you'll know she's genuine".
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I am very much inclined to agree especially after seeing what phone technology can do now, let alone computer software. Certain Asian countries now have whole industries around women performing live in front of the camera and the image being transmitted is nothing like the real person, on phones!!!

And.... even if it really is her she sounds obstinate.

@Lilac forget the video, if she is being so difficult, now, beforehand, imagine that level of demanding, controlling manipulation in your home!
 
Although not related directly to your situation @Lilac, I want to share with you about a scam I very recently became personally involved in helping sort out. It involves a woman of no financial means who is now in her 50's and has been living under a terrible burden for many years. What happened occurred when she was a much younger and attractive naïve young woman, who was keeping herself for the man she hoped would be her husband.

A man of some wealth decided he wanted her and went to the extent of arranging a marriage so that he could have his way with her. After doing the deed and a few months of fun on his part he turned seriously violent, and she fled for her life. This woman has lived for many years believing she was married to this man, and she cannot be divorced (divorce is impossible in this country). She didn't want to be an adulteress, so could never have a relationship and create the family she dearly wants.

I investigated her story and discovered the man had some lawyer friends file for an annulment a week after the wedding. The man never told the young woman, but just used and abused her until she fled, and now she's past the point in her life of ever fulfilling her dream of being a mother with her own children.

After looking into this terrible situation, I gave her a copy of documents I had obtained and she was overwhelmed with emotion; so very happy to know she is free, but so very sad because of all she has had stolen from her.

Victims of scams can be left feeling devastated by what happens to them. For the sake of all your family @Lilac, ask your husband to exercise extreme caution.
 
I have a friend who travelled all the way to Ukraine to meet a woman who did not exist. Anyone looking from the outside can see he was a fool to fall for it - but for him at the time it did not seem foolish, because he had become caught up in it emotionally. While my grandmother lost money to a different scam preying on older people - once again, from the outside these things seem obvious, but it didn't feel that way to her in the middle of it.

Scams are far more common than you may realise, and this is why: most people who are scammed are too embarrassed, knowing most people looking at it from the outside will consider them an idiot for falling for it, so they won't talk about it openly, and just keep quiet about their mistakes. So most other people naively think scams must be obvious, just something that happens to dumb people, not people like me, I'd be too smart to ever fall for a scam... Then they fall for one themselves.

People in the middle are emotionally involved, and their emotions blind them to the red flags. While people from the outside may more clearly see the red flags.
 
Lilac said:
If she really is as excited to meet us as she suggests, and is willing to meet us in person,
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I meet people in person before they are welcomed into our Circle of Trust. Anyone who wants to live with you should not have any objection to meeting you at a coffee place or some other public place so you can introduce yourself and get to know each other.

It's not too much to ask.
 
Lilac said:
My husband is courting a lady online and he likes her and she him. I agree that she seems to be a good fit.

She has stated recently that she wants to be conquered like a first wife. She mentions a story of a man sending gifts and money for a year to the maidens family, which get returned if the marriage doesn’t occur (I don’t think she expects this exact thing but she has mentioned it twice so I think it demonstrates a certain mindset).

My somewhat triggered reaction to this is…. But she’s not a FW so why should she expect the same thing? He’s already a father and husband and has less time and money to “conquer”. As a potential SW she is entering a family where all the hard work of setting up the home and family dynamic has been completed.

She has sent videos and photos and many text conversations have been had so the all three of us, but she refuses to have a video phone call with a man she has not met, citing that it’s too “intimate” and she is too “modest” and that she will not “submit” to a man who is not her husband. She also expects all the finances to come from him, to fly her over to Australia to meet him.

I respect her clarity and bravery of communicating this to him.

It seem a little hypocritical though. On one hand she expects to not be submissive to him before they are married, and on the other hand for him to provide- as a husband would - the finances needed for her to fly to meet him which would seem to be what a husband does. All without having a live phone or video call with myself or husband.

Please forgive me as I was a worldly unchristian woman when I met my Christian husband and converted and married. I don’t know if this is normal behaviour for a modest traditional Christian girl from Brazil. Perhaps it is and I’m hoping for insight here.

My husband is leading us in this but appreciates when I do research which is why I am asking you for your thoughts.
And I acknowledge I’m a little triggered by this traditional Christian version of “princess treatment”. I liked her a lot up until this point, and now I’m a little concerned.

I look forward to your thoughts and experience. How was it for you when you were courting your second wife, and what is reasonable for a potential SW to demand/expect in the courting phase?
Click to expand...
O.K., I understand that SW means SouthWest, but does FW mean FurtherWest?
 
Lilac said:
My husband is courting a lady online and he likes her and she him. I agree that she seems to be a good fit.

She has stated recently that she wants to be conquered like a first wife. She mentions a story of a man sending gifts and money for a year to the maidens family, which get returned if the marriage doesn’t occur (I don’t think she expects this exact thing but she has mentioned it twice so I think it demonstrates a certain mindset).

My somewhat triggered reaction to this is…. But she’s not a FW so why should she expect the same thing? He’s already a father and husband and has less time and money to “conquer”. As a potential SW she is entering a family where all the hard work of setting up the home and family dynamic has been completed.

She has sent videos and photos and many text conversations have been had so the all three of us, but she refuses to have a video phone call with a man she has not met, citing that it’s too “intimate” and she is too “modest” and that she will not “submit” to a man who is not her husband. She also expects all the finances to come from him, to fly her over to Australia to meet him.

I respect her clarity and bravery of communicating this to him.

It seem a little hypocritical though. On one hand she expects to not be submissive to him before they are married, and on the other hand for him to provide- as a husband would - the finances needed for her to fly to meet him which would seem to be what a husband does. All without having a live phone or video call with myself or husband.

Please forgive me as I was a worldly unchristian woman when I met my Christian husband and converted and married. I don’t know if this is normal behaviour for a modest traditional Christian girl from Brazil. Perhaps it is and I’m hoping for insight here.

My husband is leading us in this but appreciates when I do research which is why I am asking you for your thoughts.
And I acknowledge I’m a little triggered by this traditional Christian version of “princess treatment”. I liked her a lot up until this point, and now I’m a little concerned.

I look forward to your thoughts and experience. How was it for you when you were courting your second wife, and what is reasonable for a potential SW to demand/expect in the courting phase?
Click to expand...
Yeah....this is a scammer

Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
 
Agreed with all the comments that this is a red flag to talk about sending money and paying her for anything plus the lack of a video chat is so concerning. There's more to this than your heart wishes. I've been in a similar situation and had to learn that before I even get beyond a few messages we require a video chat. That eliminates a scammer right away. It doesn't remove the risk of being scammed though so backgrounds and meeting in a public place is a must.
 
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