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How to deal with distance

E

Elaine

New Member
My husband had posted a reply to the "Living Arrangements" thread, but I thought my question was different enough that I would post separately. As he said, we have little choice about our setup right now, and it has me a little nervous.

My husband's new wife lives about an hour away and simply cannot leave her hometown for at least a year and a half due to family concerns. My husband has been looking for new employment for a little while, and recently decided to expand his search to her hometown, just to see what was out there. As it turns out, there are a few very good options that actually might work for him. So now I have this feeling that God is leading him in that direction, and the old testament verses about a man being released from other duties to be with his wife for the first year of marriage keep coming to mind. I'm sure it would be good for them, and maybe it's a needed thing to strengthen their bond.

But if that's what God has for them, it will leave me only being able to see him on the weekends and maybe once during the week when we can bring the whole family together. We have been through separations before for his work, but it is still hard to think about. Especially since the trials of making a major change like this are already stressful enough on a marriage! I don't want to feel abandoned or overwhelmed with the simple day-to-day tasks of running a household and caring for children.

I was just curious as to whether anyone else had had a similar experience that they worked through, and how you handled it. What are the possibilities for schedules? For family time? Is it stupid to call him if I have a flat tire, or should I just call AAA? Yes, I can change my own tire and know how to survive the big bad world on my own, but having to do it alone for a big chunk of the time freaks me out!
 
Is it possible to consider moving the whole family to the other town to follow your husband's work? What ties you to your current location?
 
I guess basically, without getting into too much detail, we couldn't sell our house until after some personal loans have been repaid. We've managed to avoid any banks in buying our property and building our home, but in doing so we've accepted certain expectations from the people that have helped us. Some of that is us just wanting to do right by them, and some of it is contractual as well.
 
Personally, I think that If all of you have to stay seperate in the short term than the togetherness is going to be that much more special.

We will be in a similar situation If our potiential became a wife she would not be able to leave her home and schooling for a bit. She lives about two hrs away from us and it sucks. Despite distance we are finding ways to make it work.
 
Why can't he spend alternate nights with you? If he got a job where the other wife is it's only 1 hour away. 1 hour is not above commuting. He could spend a night with you, drive to work, then go home to his other wife, then go to work, then come home to you.
My husband used to drive nearly an hour away to work every day, 5 days a week. He's now working mostly from home which is fantastic, but he wasn't for about 5 years.
If it were me I would not feel comfortable only seeing my husband on the weekends when we're only talking about an hour in distance.

So now I have this feeling that God is leading him in that direction, and the old testament verses about a man being released from other duties to be with his wife for the first year of marriage keep coming to mind. I'm sure it would be good for them, and maybe it's a needed thing to strengthen their bond.
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I'm pretty sure that doesn't include seperating himself from the first wife Elaine :)
 
Honestly, money for gas and travel is always an issue. Especially with the added expense of a second house. Things will be tight and commuting that far just doesn't seem feasible in the budget. It isn't forever, and the plan would be to hopefully move close. I also intend to drive there mid-week so that we could all be together as a family, so if we budgeted that travel expense for only him to come back for the night, we would miss that time altogether. I really am hoping that the time we are able to spend together will be all the more special, but I am also hoping to head off any resentment about missing him.
 
I feel a great deal of caution about this whole scenario.

Plural marriage ideally should be entered into from a position of strength - financial reserves, time etc.

There are so many potential problems that a surplus/buffer is needed, as it will certainly become consumed.

Having done plenty of travel, one hour is super close and would not keep me away from my wives.

ylop who will cheer up soon
 
I should preface this by saying that I am sure that, with the grace of God, your family will find a solution to this situation that works for everybody. However,it doesn't seem as though your husband thought this through very well. I agree with ylop that a plural marriage should be approached from a position of strength. I am currently preparing my family for the future when we also go through the transition of welcoming a 2nd wife into our lives. I'm trying to build a strong, well crafted foundation so our future home is stable. Rather than repair a home that was built in haste. I feel an obligation to protect, support, and provide for financially, emotionally, and spiritually for both wives and families. If I wasn't in a position to do that, I would do everything I could to get to that position. Why should I burden either wife with my rash or thoughtless decision making?
 
ylop said:
Having done plenty of travel, one hour is super close and would not keep me away from my wives.
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Fully agree. As Sarah said above, I have commuted that distance daily for years. In terms of the budget, I thought part of this plan was your husband getting another job in a new location? So this is just one element to add to the mix when considering whether or not to accept a job with the salary being offered. For us, I had the option of living near work in expensive accommodation, or an hour away in cheaper accommodation + travel costs, did the budget, and just factored in the fuel cost into my final decision on where to live.

Remember too that you do live in the USA, with about the cheapest fuel in the world. Ylop drives in Australia, while I drive in New Zealand, and we pay approximately double what you do for fuel plus having various other taxes - again, it's just something to factor in. Driving an hour to work, only every second day, at American fuel prices, is dirt cheap in the scheme of things - unless you're driving some ridiculously massive American vehicle, in which case you could trade it for a Toyota.

I appreciate your unusual funding situation for your house and the fact that you feel tied to it - we have used similar arrangements to fund housing ourselves. Again, it's just all part of the calculations.

Here's another thought - you're so close to her hometown, could she move to live with you and fulfil her commitments to family etc from where you live now, by just driving there herself as needed?
 
This isn't helpful. I just wasn't wondering how things could be done better IF it were one of you doing it. I'm sure when any of you find yourselves in a plural marriage, you'll have things arranged just like you want them. Honestly, I'm really not sure I even want to post this because I feel like some of you will then feel the need to get into a back and forth with me about it. I so do not want to do that. I'm not at all into internet debates. Can I ask that you please believe my assessment of my own life? We're doing what works best for us, and that doesn't have to be what would potentially be best for you. I just wanted to know if there were anyone that had temporarily been in a traveling situation between wives. Is there?
 
Ylop knows what he's talking about through hard experience (not identical, but very valuable), pay close attention to every word he says. Seriously.

We post this not to criticise, but because polygamy is so complex anyway that the best way to "deal with" any problem (as you have asked) is to eliminate them, so you can focus on solving the other ones you'll be having anyway. The first year of any marriage is generally the hardest (think back to your own first year), and polygamy is a whole new level of difficulty. If there is any way you can possibly eliminate this, or any other problem, DO IT. And if you think outside the box you may well find this can be eliminated in a way you hadn't yet considered. That's what we're hoping to inspire you to do.

Failing that, maybe there will be someone else who's been in that exact situation who can advise how to manage it. I can think of a couple of past examples of long-distance situations but neither family is still together - I can't put that down to the distance though as there were many other factors at play, but it raises red flags. Others may have managed it successfully though.
 
I think everyone is just trying to help. I'm new to this website but I have been experiencing the excitement and frustration that comes with merging families too. I don't think anyone has the magic answer you want because everyone is different and you are right everyone would deal with your problem differently. I have been married for 22 years. When my wife and I were newlyweds I had a job as a truck driver. I was gone all week and I can tell you those were the hardest years of our marriage. If I knew then what I do now I would have quit that job sooner. If I wouldn't have quit it at all I don't think we would be married today. Reading through your past posts I'll admit I am concerned with your predicament. The only advice I can give is that you and your husband should try your best to alleviate any stress this separation might bring to your marriage. Even if that includes frequent visits. An hour is not that far of drive in my opinion.
 
"Sent: 11:20am - Tue, 23 Dec 2014
From: Jason
To: David65

I have to agree with my wife on this. She did not ask for unsolicited advice on how other people would do our lives better than what we have chosen. What we are doing is right for us. She simply asked whether anyone had experience with the same arrangement. There is no problem to be 'fixed'. And personally, I didn't appreciate the insinuation that I've "burdened" my wives by my "rash or thoughtless decision making". You have no idea why I have chosen the things that I have for my family, and between the three of us we have agreed on what our best course of action is. This isn't even the question being asked, in any way. So you can see why she might be exasperated at the replies ignoring her original post and continuing to question our intelligence.

I encouraged her to post on this forum because living this lifestyle is difficult on Christian fellowship. It is certainly not outside of the realm of possibilities for us to be unwelcome at our church when our life becomes apparent to others. But an online community like this one can help to replace that fellowship in some ways. Relatively speaking then, posting on the open forum is much like having a discussion with friends after services. Sending a private message is more akin to pulling a brother or sister aside to say something more sensitive. This is how I encouraged her to approach it. But the recent responses read more like bulletin board warriors rather than Brothers and Sisters in a public service. Please keep these things in mind."

.............

This is the email I received today. No where was anyone calling anyone else's intelligence into question. If this person feels as though I've slighted them in some way I apologize, but I was simply stating that I would not have rushed into a marriage. I meant that in general terms, not whether or not that was the case with them. Elaine came to this forum asking if anyone else dealt with her current issues. Does Jason expect that everyone has experienced the exact same situations in the exact same ways? Of course not. We are here to tell people about our own experiences and if that helps, great. If not, keep reading. I don't appreciate the insinuation that I'm "out to get somebody." There is a thing called constructive criticism. There's no need to hide behind an email to vent your frustrations because you don't hear what you want to hear. I don't know what else to say, but sorry for the confusion, misunderstanding, or what ever you would like to call it. I came to Biblical Families to receive support and to hopefully give some as well. I don't understand the hostility.
 
Jason & Elaine: You were exactly right to ask the question "is there someone that has done THIS before that can give us some pointers?". It's a fair question and a good question. And unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be anybody at this point that has been exactly in your situation that can share their experience and wisdom with you.

That said, my experience with BF has been mostly that "we're all in this together", we're just a bunch of pioneers all banded together heading west to see if we can find that gold that everybody keeps talking about, and the vibe here is that we're all trying to help each other best we can, so a lot of suggestions and ideas get thrown out for round-table discussion. Maybe not as effective as 'expert advice', but many times that's all we've got.

You're also going to experience what I might call a more 'robust' form of dialogue than you may be used to. People will speak plainly, sometimes a little too plainly (and I can be as outspoken as anyone here), and sometimes people get hurt. It's not always intentional. Anyone that's trained in martial arts knows that a typical sparring session isn't supposed to end in painful injuries, but sometimes it just happens. We can either have a kind of discussion here that is guaranteed safe, where no one gets their feathers ruffled ever, or we can get into it with a bit more intensity and realize that every once in awhile someone's going to get bruised. The bruiser apologizes, the bruisee shakes it off (and smarts for a few days), and everybody gets back to sharpening their skills. That's the theory, anyway.

David65, I would encourage you to keep private messages private. If you cleared posting that PM with Jason before you did it, then you can disregard this; otherwise, just a word to the wise, let's all keep the "P" in "PM".

I hope everybody will reset and continue the conversation with good will.

Elaine, my family has experienced a rather colorful odyssey over the years, and in some ways, I think it ended up being to our benefit that we were on our own for many years. Trust me: It sharpened up our prayer life! :shock: If you are persuaded that God has called you to this life, then seek first His kingdom and you'll find your way, and you can rest in God's promises that what you go through is designed to purify and strengthen you. The brothers and sisters here will always try to help you to the best of their/our ability, but sometimes the best we've got is "have you considered this yet?" and yes, thanks anyway, you already have considered that. Sometimes you'll get a direct answer that will spare you a lot of grief, but sometimes you won't.

May God bless you on your journey.
 
Andrew -

Thanks for the post.

For (pretty much) everybody else -

I think Elaine realized as she asked the question that no one would likely have done the exact same thing. So it's not that no one could give her a "right" answer. She wasn't looking for a "right" answer. She wasn't looking for any solution at all, because the "problem" had already been solved between the three of us. Who ever said we were looking for a "magic answer"? I'll quote her here:

What are the possibilities for schedules?
For family time?
Is it stupid to call him if I have a flat tire?

What she got back (for the most part) was advice all pointed in the same direction - that we don't know what's best for ourselves. Didn't I post somewhere else that we are rabidly Libertarian? Someone telling my wife that they could make better decisions for her life than she can herself (or insinuating that) will be sure to get on her bad side. So she's simply asking that you take her at her word that traveling in this arrangement really is what would work best for us right now. But I'm also pretty sure that she's not going to be easy to convince to look here for conversation again. Maybe the women's only forum. They seem to have less of a tendency to try to force a "solution" to every problem (even those that don't exist) than men.

David -

I really don't know who you were trying to help by doing that, other than making yourself feel better. You pretty much proved my point about insensitivity right there. It seems like maybe you just wanted to lash back publicly. It's possible I guess that you just don't know how to reply to a PM. But I doubt it. My wife isn't the type to get into pointless back-and-forths on the internet. But I actually like conflicting opinions. If you really really have to, I suppose we could make this whole thread about you and me replying to each other for as long as you want to keep at it. I have the time, and the personality that would just not stop until the moderator decided to ban me out of boredom from seeing this thread at the top of the active posts list forever. But of course that would be stupid.
 
Jason,
I apologize for the misunderstanding and treating the topic more as a generality than a specific issue.
 
Water under the bridge then. And my apologies also for any ruffled feathers. Really the topic could be treated however anyone likes. It's my perception of how my wife is treated that gets me into an infantry mindset very quickly. Even if it's only my perception.
 
Elaine said:
" As he said, we have little choice about our setup right now, and it has me a little nervous."

"We have been through separations before for his work, but it is still hard to think about. !"

"I don't want to feel abandoned or overwhelmed with the simple day-to-day tasks of running a household and caring for children."

" Yes, I can change my own tire and know how to survive the big bad world on my own, but having to do it alone for a big chunk of the time freaks me out"!
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I'm sorry if I misunderstood, but I thought that this was something that Elaine would find rather difficult, so I thought of some alternitives to maybe think outside the box and help. Perhaps they were things you hadn't thought of, and perhaps you had. On this forum we tend to try to help each other, not just commiserate with the problems that are faced in these difficult situations.
I am sorry once again if I offended anyone. To make it perfectly clear I am not now nor have ever been in a PM at all let alone the situation you face. I will bow out of this conversation now but I will be praying for you.
 
Elaine said:
I was just curious as to whether anyone else had had a similar experience that they worked through, and how you handled it. What are the possibilities for schedules? For family time? Is it stupid to call him if I have a flat tire, or should I just call AAA? Yes, I can change my own tire and know how to survive the big bad world on my own, but having to do it alone for a big chunk of the time freaks me out!
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The long periods of separation lead to loneliness in the wives, a feeling of abandonment, a sense that the husband is happier with the other wife and that they have been replaced, and important life moments can get missed.

The husband can get stressed about not being able to fulfil his role adequately as he is physically not present when he needs to be.

Its a bad situation that needs to be avoided, particularly in the start of a plural marriage.

that's just my opinion and perhaps you will experience none of this and sail right through.
 
Well, I've not been in that specific situation, however I am in the military and am no stranger to dealing with separations.

I think a big key in this case is everyone acknowledging that since the times cannot be equal, certain allowances might be made. For instance, for the wife getting the lion's share of the "in person" time, she might want to try really hard to not call or text when the husband is with the wife who doesn't get much one on one. At the same time, the husband should be really encouraging of and accepting of "small matters" style texts from the remote wife. That helps foster relationship and keep lines of communication open. Family prayer time over skype might be a good idea too. Both so that everyone can get some together type face time, and to reinforce the spiritual side of the relationships.
 
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