• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

How to deal with distance

Elaine, I'm the one married to UntoldGlory and I also grew up in a military family. We aren't living plural marriage yet, and I realize that will make for a few differences, but there are some things I've done to cope with separations when my husband was on the other side of the globe and I had a little one and a slightly bigger one.

The biggest thing is to have a reliable support network. Friends and family who can do things like give you an hour or two out of the house or hiding in your bedroom, maybe one friend watches the kids while the other goes out to do something with you. Have someone you can chat with and be encouraged by. My husband's mom has been a huge help in these times, even insisting on giving me breaks whether I needed them or not.

Being able to call your husband frequently, or even better for me when he called me frequently, helps to feel wanted and supported too. If your computer and internet are fast enough then something like Skype can be especially helpful.

As the children missed their father as much as I did, I made sure they got to hear his voice and see his face. A friend of mine, whose husband got sent on assignments to unknown locations and where he couldn't call, had him leave a few videos to their daughter on the computer. It was something she could watch whenever she missed her Daddy. I laminated photos of the kids with their Dad for them to carry with them so they could feel his closeness, as that was 10 years ago and technology has vastly improved since then. On our last separation, we talked several times a week on Skype.

Depending on your budget, and available caregivers, maybe you could visit him for a day or 2 from time to time. When my husband had to be gone for 2 months, he flew me to his location for a weekend about half way through the time.

As for my emotional health, the things that helped the most were: Having a project to do that took the time I would normally have spent with him, like painting the bedrooms, redoing the bathroom floor, learning to paint, working on a favorite craft or puzzle, gardening, making plans for the next time he's home, etc.; taking time to acknowledge my feelings and process them so that I didn't lay them all on him or take them out on the kids; remembering that it's OK to acknowledge to the kids that this is hard and help them learn to express and process their feelings in healthy ways by example; prayer and journaling.

And last, but by no means least give yourself permission to not be perfect at running things on your own. Dinners weren't necessarily as amazing. The yard might have gotten a bit tall. And I once sat on the floor of a store and cried with my preschooler because he missed his Daddy.

I hope some of these ideas will help you through this time.
 
Certainly distance can be managed in some circumstances.
GloryGirl said:
The biggest thing is to have a reliable support network.
Click to expand...
But Elaine, what does your support network look like? To quote you from an earlier thread:
Elaine said:
At first, I did make the mistake of going to other women (friends and family), because I just needed to talk with someone. I either thought I could make them understand, or sometimes I did it out of anger. But when I have done that, they tell me I must be brainwashed and try to shove me in their car and take me to a shelter! At one of our worst times, I even did what my husband said would be "the nuclear option" - I told his mother. That was a big mistake, again done out of anger. It's almost as if the people I share with consider it a personal insult to them that I would be choosing this. Needless to say, they aren't very helpful in sorting out my feelings. So if I am having trouble still, I really just have to bring it to God.
Click to expand...
If you are struggling with something, feeling emotionally like you're not as good as the other woman, or whatever, and you break down in tears with your friends or family, what are they going to do? Are they going to offer you support to preserve your marriage? Or are they going to just tell you "yes, he really has abandoned you for her, he's a horrible cheating husband, you should leave him"?

Military wives have solid support networks because everyone understands their situation, and admires their husbands for being dedicated enough to actually serve their country, so they're willing to go out of their way to support their wives and preserve their marriages.

Military husbands are admired, so society naturally seeks to preserve their marriages for the good of their wives.

Polygamists on the other hand are reviled, so society naturally seeks to destroy their marriages, also supposedly for the good of their wives.

Elaine, do you have a solid poly-friendly support network, to help you handle the distance in the way GloryGirl copes?

If not, seriously ponder ylop's experience:
ylop said:
The long periods of separation lead to loneliness in the wives, a feeling of abandonment, a sense that the husband is happier with the other wife and that they have been replaced, and important life moments can get missed.

The husband can get stressed about not being able to fulfil his role adequately as he is physically not present when he needs to be.

Its a bad situation that needs to be avoided, particularly in the start of a plural marriage.
Click to expand...
And Jason, you've said you're "radically Libertarian", so please appreciate that most of us tend in that direction too, hence why we don't conform to your expectations of how the conversation will go but take the liberty of going in the direction we feel we need to in order to best help your family. It's your choice whether to listen to these words of caution or not.
 
I had thought about this post recently, and when I looked back at it saw that it had been over three months now since my wife had first asked her questions. So I figured it might be time for an update. None of us really care to air our business to the world, but when I first found this site I remember going through every page in the forum opening every topic that might shed some light for me. I think that there is likely to be some other family that might do the same thing and be in a similar situation, so hopefully if this isn't of any help, it's at least a comfort to know others have been there too.
And we have been, for several months now. Elaine was correct in what she said. There really has not been any way around this for us. Of course we're all three working toward changing things, but we are for right now simply having to deal with the distance as best we can.
So what do we do?
Firstly, my work has so far kept me closest to Elaine. And our budget has limited me to making the trip 2-3 times a week. So one thing that was most obvious has been taking advantage of days off. Any time that I can stay with Nelle for 2 nights in a row (Friday/Saturday, holidays, personal days from work, etc.), we try to take advantage of that. This also means that a set "schedule" couldn't work for us right now. I have to look at what each week has in store, and plan accordingly to try and have my time used as fairly as possible. Notice I said "fairly" and not "equally". Equal is rarely possible right now, and many times equal would not be fair anyway. Nelle also tries to make the trip over to this part of the country as often as she can. This is very difficult, working all our schedules, and school for our kids was an added difficulty. We homeschool, but each of our kids have started the first couple of years in public schools to give them a base for reading. We have decided to pull out the one child we have in school right now, so that she's not nailed down to the school calender. This has helped quite a bit, as the kids can come and go along with me, or stay with either wife as works best for us that day. My little girl thought it was great anyway, because she was "missing out on everything with the other kids". So that simplification was a good thing.
Communication has been really important. Sometimes it's easy to use the distance as a weapon. If someone is upset, all they have to do is not answer the phone or respond to a text. But that's no way to make a successful relationship, and we all have to try and be honest about what might be going on with us at any given time. No one has the luxury of playing games. For Elaine and Nelle I would say (and they are free to disagree with me here) that the one thing they have had the most trouble with in terms of communication is being vocal about what they need. Things go unfulfilled if they aren't brought up, but being so "bold" is hard for either of them. It just isn't in their personality. And for me, one thing that I have had to work on is telling my wife what I'm thinking. Elaine says I need to "get out my cue cards". I have to say "I love you", "I miss you", "I think you're beautiful", and all the other things that pop up into my head at times. Of course, I think these things all the time, but it would either feel like they didn't really need to be said again, or saying it sounded too much like I was buttering someone up. But they need to hear those things and know that's how I really feel as much as possible. It has also been important to try to make my time as undivided as possible. There is no way that I can completely do that, because it would mean completely cutting off a wife that is already feeling the distance between us. But it is always a goal to be as focused as possible when I can.
We certainly want our arrangement to change as soon as possible. In fact, Elaine and I just looked at a home for sale only minutes away where Nelle and I live. But a few more things have to fall in line for us before we can improve our situation. I believe they will, and look forward to the day soon when I am accessible to both of them at all times. We certainly appreciate any prayers to that end.
 
Any situation can work, if you all work as a team. Keeping in good communication and having flexibility to make changes as necessary are going to be key factors as well. If you are willing to do this then do it. But forge a good relationship with the new wife so that you and she trust each other. Of course you are all going to make mistakes. Having a forgiving heart and a positive outlook will make it easier. I am proud that you are willing to sacrifice your time with hubby in order to include her in your lives.

In the late 90's my husband (only one wife) took a job about 90 minutes away from our home. I had a good job as well and his was only a temporary job. We found him an apartment. He was working too much to drive home to our home, so on weekends I would go to his apartment, clean, do laundry and cook his meals for the week. Once a week I would drive down in the evening to spend a night with him and take his paycheck home. It was not an ideal situation. I had to handle the kids, pets, shopping, finances and all household duties in both homes. But because we had a plan and a goal (we paid off a lot of debt) we made it through. With God all things are possible. This may be a time to explore some things that you have always wanted to do.

Best Wishes
SweetLissa
 
Sounds like you're all making the best of a tough situation. Everyone being on board and committed is a huge benefit I'm sure. Thank you for the update, and I hope that a new option for co-location will present itself soon!
 
Jason, thankyou for the update, I am very glad to hear you are working through this situation and are managing it. As Sweetlissa says, anything can work, some situations just take more work than others. You will find that everyone here is equally enthusiastic about supporting you in the situation you have found yourself in as they were earlier enthusiastic about encouraging you to simplify your situation as much as possible! You seem to have a good understanding of the difficulties faced by each of your wives, and with prayer all things can work out. Good on you.
 
So, now it's been 6 months since my last update. I've waited this long because I knew change for us was right around the corner. I had said before that work was keeping me close to Elaine, in our original 'home area', and it seemed like finding something else with better pay, better hours, or both was just not happening for us there. We did find a home to rent about 10 minutes away from the home that Nelle and I shared, but that was still an imperfect solution and left me with a commute to work that was unacceptable. But from around May until Just this month, our schedule has been me commuting to work and living every other day in either Nelle or Elaine's house. It was much better than the hour distance we previously had, but 10 minutes and two different towns wasn't much fun either. One particular incident comes to mind where a storm blew through and knocked out the power at Nelle's house on a night I was with Elaine. It was uncomfortable not being able to be there for both of them at that time, and concerning when I found a tree fallen against Nelle's house the next morning. Not seeing the kids except for every other day has been difficult for me also. I've really hated having to be as uninvolved as I have been.

The final straw in our decision making process came just after Elaine had moved into the rental house. Our landlord texted her phone saying that he had "heard about us", and what he had heard apparently gave him the impression that it was ok to proposition my wife. With the lack of good employment in our area, and our now urgent desire to leave that place, we decided as a family to look for a job about three hours away, closer to Nelle's family.

God first provided a job. I'm now making more than I was before, while working much fewer hours. Then around the time Nelle's house sold (we close this week), we made a deal for an unfinished duplex in the same small town I now work. Ironically, the town has a large Mormon population and we feel like we get some knowing looks here and there. It's strange to look at our respective phones now and realize we haven't texted one another in days when before it was a necessity! I see both of my wives every single day, and all of the kids. All of them are now at the same school. We can buy groceries in bulk and split them once we get home! Sharing water/electric/insurance/internet/and other bills is helpful too. The house even has a room between both halves of the duplex that has officially been dubbed my 'study'. I get a little space of my own (as if I had the time to use it!) and can also freely come and go between the houses to say goodmorning/goodnight or whatever other little thing I need to do. We're still not completely settled in, but we're getting there. So far it seems like an enormous improvement.

I have to cut it short there, since I'm expected at home! But I've been thankful for everyone's prayers and wanted to let you all know that the distance has been dealt with :) Hopefully for the last time.
 
Congrats! Sounds great!
 
First, congrats for not being in jail after the whole landlord thing. I'm sure it was tough!

Second, big for reals congrats that you guys have been able to move to the same place with better bennies and more family time. Very happy for you!
 
Really happy to hear this report. Kudos to you guys for continuing to be committed in an undesirable season. Praying for blessings on your new home together.
 
Elaine said:
This isn't helpful. I just wasn't wondering how things could be done better IF it were one of you doing it. I'm sure when any of you find yourselves in a plural marriage, you'll have things arranged just like you want them. Honestly, I'm really not sure I even want to post this because I feel like some of you will then feel the need to get into a back and forth with me about it. I so do not want to do that. I'm not at all into internet debates. Can I ask that you please believe my assessment of my own life? We're doing what works best for us, and that doesn't have to be what would potentially be best for you. I just wanted to know if there were anyone that had temporarily been in a traveling situation between wives. Is there?
Click to expand...
My husband travels all the time. Sisterwives live 3 hours from me. I have not seen my husband since the last retreat and have seen my sw's once. They saw him yesterday I beleive for a little while. It sucks. It sucks royally. But it is not for a lifetime. You said it would be possibly a year. It won't be easy. But having weekends with your husband, in my opinion, is truly a blessing.
 
Hisdaughter said:
My husband travels all the time. Sisterwives live 3 hours from me. I have not seen my husband since the last retreat and have seen my sw's once. They saw him yesterday I beleive for a little while. It sucks. It sucks royally. But it is not for a lifetime. You said it would be possibly a year. It won't be easy. But having weekends with your husband, in my opinion, is truly a blessing.
Click to expand...
Wow. That's a very challenging situation you have. May God grant you strength as you persevere through, and joy and peace each day. Shalom
 
Hisdaughter said:
My husband travels all the time. Sisterwives live 3 hours from me. I have not seen my husband since the last retreat and have seen my sw's once. They saw him yesterday I beleive for a little while. It sucks. It sucks royally. But it is not for a lifetime. You said it would be possibly a year. It won't be easy. But having weekends with your husband, in my opinion, is truly a blessing.
Click to expand...

You know you're responding to a post from December 22, 2014...right?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top