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I know that we are called to forgive but....

Rose of Sharon

Rose of Sharon

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I have a family situation and I am really struggling with this. My husband and I are no longer talking to his sister. I have a nickname for her and it is "her highness. She expects everything and everyone to do what she wants them to do. She is a very selfish person and her sense of entitlement astounds me. My daughter is throwing a party for my grandson at a park in 2 weeks and has invited my sister in law. Mind you, we haven't spoke to her in a year and to say that I am struggling with this is an understatement. Please give me advice on how to deal with this in 2 weeks. Do I respectfully walk away when she tries to communicate. She loves to bait people to get people riled up. I also have to consider that this is my grandson's party and I need to respect my daughter's day. Help!!
 
I agree. You're bigger than this. You can be in the same room with your daughter's aunt for the sake of your grandchild. You can treat it like a fencing match, parrying the woman's thrusts and not giving her what she wants which is for you to dance to her tune. You'd only be hurting your daughter. Woman up!
 
Speak, but have three or four prepared conversation changers if silly comments are made.

"How bout them Clemson Tigers?"
"I heard John Travolta is as bald as a billiard ball."


Get it?
 
I think that you will also feel better about it if you actively remember that Christ died for us while we were still his enemies.

That is the same Jesus that will go with you to the party. You can ask his heart, mind and spirit to be expressed through you toward her. More than just getting through it, with Christ you can thrive.
 
The easiest way to avoid the psychological games is educate yourself and be aware of what the game is and how it’s played
Eric Burns Transactional analysis explains a bunch of things which are helpful.
Have a look at these,
I found them to be a simple explanation that most people can learn from
This is the first in the series and there is another on games
Be strong
 
To look at it from another angle, I have been in the position of your daughter, inviting older relatives to a child's birthday party and having some nearly refusing to come because they aren't talking to each other. It's incredibly hurtful for a child to be put in that situation - in fact, this is the one time I have ever resorted to ringing a close friend of my older relatives for advice on how to deal with them.

Looking at the dispute from the perspective of your grandson, who knows nothing about it, it just looks petty and selfish. He has absolutely no knowledge of your squabbles, from his perspective you all love him, why shouldn't you be there? And while there, why would you be arguing? Why would he need to see that side of your personalities? There's a time and a place for everything, and it's not there.

Others have already given you advice on how to deal with it, which is great. I'm just stressing why you should deal with it - and do so in a way that is as calm as possible so nobody else notices it's going on, because it's not relevant to the occasion.
 
My son learned how to quietly manipulate the conversation with a co worker who was difficult if he got on certain subjects. Just steering him into talking about things he liked would make a night n day difference in his work environment. Be wise as a serpent....and a peacemaker.
 
I am not always the best at advice on peace, I was comfortable working in Iraq and Afghanistan for 9 years. However, it sounds like a Jezebel spirit to me. I’d advise checking out the best ways of dealing with that type of a personality trait. There are ways to bring a person like that into a more relatable/calmer attitude.
 
Thank you, everyone for your advice. It is helping. And yes as you said FollowingHim, there is a time and a place, and it's not there. I am a very peaceful person and I can't understand why some people have to cause problems. I will keep the peace though and move on.
 
Lots of sound advice here...I would like to add that maybe this is a defining moment for you (and your husband) and your sister in law. Ask the Lord what you need to learn in this moment, what you need to understand regarding your heart towards your sister in law. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for ourselves regarding "toxic" friends or family but make sure it isn't a wedge that the Enemy has put between you to tear down your house. Forgiveness and grace extended is not so much for the recipient but for ourselves. Praying against a controlling spirit or whatever you think might be going on spiritually with a person is never wasted time, in my opinion. Is God calling you to battle for her in the spirit so that relationship can be restored to your family? It's a thought. Regardless, being the bigger person in the whole situation is a good choice for sure.
 
julieb said:
Lots of sound advice here...I would like to add that maybe this is a defining moment for you (and your husband) and your sister in law. Ask the Lord what you need to learn in this moment, what you need to understand regarding your heart towards your sister in law. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for ourselves regarding "toxic" friends or family but make sure it isn't a wedge that the Enemy has put between you to tear down your house. Forgiveness and grace extended is not so much for the recipient but for ourselves. Praying against a controlling spirit or whatever you think might be going on spiritually with a person is never wasted time, in my opinion. Is God calling you to battle for her in the spirit so that relationship can be restored to your family? It's a thought. Regardless, being the bigger person in the whole situation is a good choice for sure.
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Thank you for replying! I have prayed in this situation. This has been a situation for the whole time Husband and I have been married and it has gotten worse in the last 5 yrs. Husband and her have repetitively fought because of her desire to control as well as other matters. She will constantly give advice to my daughters and son in laws on financial matters and how to budget as well as financial books and this angers me for the fact that she has no financial responsibilities. Her husband's Dad has money and has given her a home. She has never had to buy a car and will repeativeably buy her more cars when one breaks down. Her father in law supplies everything including clothes for her kids. My son in laws and older daughter think she is a joke to give out any financial advice to them. It is a combination of things. And yes, I do pray in this situation and also that I keep my mouth shut. My husband on the other hand will usually speak his mind though.
 
FairyLass said:
I am sorry for my venting and my long last post. I had a sleepless night and exhaustion is taking a toll.
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No problem FairyLass. It is undoubtedly a stressful situation that has gone on for years, it sounds like. I am sure the financial issues are annoying but my thoughts were more of you (and your husband) thinking of the situation from a different view point. Your sister in law is essentially captured by a Lie, a Controlling spirit, or anger (which most likely comes from believing a lie of some sort). Are you both willing to fight in the spirit for her? Are you willing to pray that God frees her from the thing that is keeping her prisoner? Is there something you can ask forgiveness for that might be a part of that prison? It is not about changing her, it is about changing your mindset towards her and seeing if you are to battle for her in the spirit. I could be totally way off and this is not what you need to hear but this is what is coming to my spirit so I am sharing it. I find that people who are wanting to be "in control" of others lives are afraid of something in their own heart. Maybe you and your husband can be a help in her understanding of what that is and helping her to trust in God regarding it. It is not an easy task and it takes great thought and prayer but isn't that relationship worth it? Praying that God will give you all the wisdom and compassion you need to do His will. Whatever that is.
 
It is not an easy task and it takes great thought and prayer but isn't that relationship worth it? Praying that God will give you all the wisdom and compassion you need to do His will. Whatever that is.[/QUOTE]
And this is the key. Yes, I see where you are coming from from everything that you wrote and also from what I didn't highlight. It does take forgiveness and prayer and truly laying it at God's feet.
 
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I am getting ready to finish up two college courses that will get me my degree. I told my daughters I would pay them to take the course for me, but they refused saying that would be wrong and I had to take it myself. (I guess I taught them too much ethics when they were younger) But after I pass these classes I’ll get my degree.

Promotion comes after we pass the trials. I just finished my morning Bible studies and saw something interesting. James knew what he was talking about when he said to count it all joy when we encounter trials.

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds 3because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Gods intentions are to promote us. James 1:12 says:

12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

Personally, I hate trials and tests and learning patience. I’d rather God download a patience peogram in me and do it now! Unfortunately, God doesn’t always see things my way. So, I take the class and try to learn a thing or two.

1 Peter 5:9-10 says we all suffer the same thing, so you’re not alone. And a lot of prayers are going up for you and your family.
 
I have a family member similar to this (minus the financial advise). We finally just gave that person to the Lord. It was pointless to reason or come at that person with spiritual overtones. We tried. Many family members tried. There are no invitations to events on either side. It's an estrangement. In Gods timing, we hope to see this person restored back to the family, but we eventually had to release and save our energy for other things.

I'm not saying this is where you are, but it's where we ended up.
 
Mojo said:
I have a family member similar to this (minus the financial advise). We finally just gave that person to the Lord. It was pointless to reason or come at that person with spiritual overtones. We tried. Many family members tried. There are no invitations to events on either side. It's an estrangement. In Gods timing, we hope to see this person restored back to the family, but we eventually had to release and save our energy for other things.

I'm not saying this is where you are, but it's where we ended up.
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That is where we are. It is an estrangement. My philosophy towards this situation is this, "you can always be nice to a dog and try to pet a dog but if the dog continues to bite you then why continue to show the dog attention." I have been bitten way to much. By all means, I am not calling her a dog but my illustration.
 
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