@Ancient Paths IMO there are men who obviously have their house in (not perfect but) good order, men who are getting their house in order, and men who will never have their house in order.
While not wanting to turn this into a patriarchy issue, there are many ways to look at this issue and many dynamics that go into this litmus test. Most of us weren’t raised with a cultural awareness of poly or the myriad issues that need to be thought through and planned for to make the transition easier. There’s quite a few threads about being the alpha type male or having a patriarchal outlook and while those do play a significant role in the man who has his house in order, they are not the only indicator of poly readiness.
For example, how is his relationship with his wife and family now - pre poly? Is he the type of man that his wife and family would follow him to the ends of the earth now? Or are they barely managing to coexist for the kids sake? Is he truly the leader of the home? Or is it only as far as she is comfortable and allows him to lead? Do the children obey the first time instruction is given in a normal voice? Do they continue to obey when the father is absent? Is there visible, evident love and respect for their father/husband - or are they just tolerating him?
Are his finances in order? Are they sufficient to expand without bankrupting the family? What is the debt load that he carries currently and what kind of debt/spending patterns has he established?
What is the vision for the family? IMO a man’s vision or lack thereof is as much an indicator of his status as anything else. How about his aptitude for receiving counsel? For allowing faithful friends to speak truth even if it seems to initially be wounding? And can he recognize the wisdom of such counsel even if it seems contradictory or counterintuitive to his own understanding?
I do agree with
@andrew that other godly men can provide us with a valuable report card, but, IMO a man who ignores the report card of his current wife and family (not what they say, but their actions re: his leadership aside from poly matters) is simply a disaster waiting to happen.
Obviously, God is the ultimate authority and should be the one directing a father’s steps. I think we as fathers should be very, very careful what we lay at His feet. I’ve seen too many try to justify their inexcusable behavior by blaming it on a word or a calling. The proof is in the pudding.
This is not to say that a man must be perfect to consider attempting poly! Far from it! Just find some way to realize how much you are lacking and how to fix or compensate for that lack. If your report card is saying that you need to repeat the grade before you advance, for your family’s sake, grow in these areas and learn these lessons rather than trying to fake it till you make it.
As always, peace, love and all the fuzzy stuff!
