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Lost “Unique” feelings of the wives

ChoosingGod

ChoosingGod

Member
Male
This is a question for fw, sw and husbands here.

There seems to be a generalized thing that switching from mono to poly, the women lose their feeling of being unique.

I find that in fact the husband/wife relationship is still unique for sure, having their own personality and qualities, likes and dislikes. I do have a unique relationship with my fw and a unique relationship with the sw.

But amongst what I perceived and heared, things like:
- « I am not special to your eyes anymore »
- « You have sexual intimacy with her too, so it’s not uniquely for me »
- « What you share with me, you also share with her ».

I perceive that it’s closely tied to the realization that the woman is exclusive to the husband, but the woman is not exclusive for the husband.

I understand that these feelings are real, and all women can have them.

So, what to make of this?

How do you as a FW did you overcame that feeling?

How do you, as a SW, did you came to accept that you were not the « only one ».

Husbands, how do you cope with that?

Thank you and may the Father bless is all.
 
I am not in a poly relationship, but am looking toward being a 2nd wife. In that scenario I know that the husband in not unique to me so not an issue. I think it might be more difficult for a 1st wife.

I think it depends. If a husband married a wife and from the start it was clear for all that the goal is a poly relationship then the 1st wife does not really have any reason to complain. Now, if the husband and wife started the relationship as a mono relationship, and vows were given that one will love no on else etc. etc. then in that situation the husband cannot imo unilaterally turn it into a poly relationship. He would be breaking his vows.
 
Maia said:
I am not in a poly relationship, but am looking toward being a 2nd wife. In that scenario I know that the husband in not unique to me so not an issue. I think it might be more difficult for a 1st wife.

I think it depends. If a husband married a wife and from the start it was clear for all that the goal is a poly relationship then the 1st wife does not really have any reason to complain. Now, if the husband and wife started the relationship as a mono relationship, and vows were given that one will love no on else etc. etc. then in that situation the husband cannot imo unilaterally turn it into a poly relationship. He would be breaking his vows.
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Hi Maia and welcome to the forum.

For my part, we were in a mono relationship for 23 years my fw and I, then a sw came after circumstances given by God, we realized the validity of PM, and we are in adaptation. It’s been quite a challenge thus far but by the grace of God, it’s getting better.
 
Most women were raised in a culture where she, and she alone, are basically worshipped.
It’s a problem.
 
ChoosingGod said:
Is there no hope at all?
How can we deconstruct these culture bias?
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There is definitely hope. I’ve heard a lot of first wives testify to it. But it seems like the wife has to come to terms with not being unique in the ways she was to move forward to find a new uniqueness.

The answer seems to be from my outside observation (so take it with a grain of salt) that she in fact is not unique. At least not in the ways she was used to judging uniqueness. She has to find a new standard for it now. That will require some pain and stretching.

The pay off is that the new uniqueness she finds will be a genuine one that actually stems from who she is, not a falsehood enforced on those around her to make her “feel” unique. She will have a genuine uniqueness.

It’s harder but it’s far more rewarding.
 
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ChoosingGod said:
Is there no hope at all?
How can we deconstruct these culture bias?
Click to expand...
Because polygyny is a very visible depiction of the relationship believers have with Jesus Christ (cf. Matt. 25:1-13), it will be under constant satanic attack. Therefore, we keep in mind this is first and foremost a spiritual battle. The means we have been given to counter the lies and deceptions of the enemy is to teach the biblical truth - and there's the second big battle. People don't want to know about patriarchy in biblical marriage relationships. The blessing we have is knowing that truth will expose, and defeat lies. Teach the truth in order that at least some might think biblically and act obediently. Shalom
 
ChoosingGod said:
There seems to be a generalized thing that switching from mono to poly, the women lose their feeling of being unique.
Click to expand...
I only have a minute....but I don't think the feeling lost is uniqueness as much as it is exclusivity.
Believe me...a first wife doesn't mind not having to be the only (exclusive) one fixing dinners.. .or doing other tasks that were exclusively her responsibility before. Then too, even if the wives are compatible or have things in common.. .. and are equally loved by their husband, they will forever be unique creations of YHWH God. They don't become clones or anything.
I would suggest each woman look at her own strengths and how they can best be used for the good of the husband and family as a whole. And perhaps while she's at it she (each she) can let the other know what she appreciates about her unique sisterwife.

I wanted to be able to share in the whole experience of being a woman, wife, mom, and housekeeper. To share it all means having a husband in common with another woman.

I LOVE THIS!!

I am still learning....and need to get busy....but


FLIP THE SCRIPT!!

THERE IS ALWAYS AN UPSIDE!

ITS ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT!

(Yes I meant to yell that!!)

😀
 
ChoosingGod said:
So, what to make of this?

How do you as a FW did you overcame that feeling?

How do you, as a SW, did you came to accept that you were not the « only one ».

Husbands, how do you cope with that?
Click to expand...
Changing the present monogamy only mind sets take time. Some ladies can embrace Biblical truth regarding marriage, and a women's value, faster than others but even after they do it is a daily task to "take wrong thoughts captive" and replace them with truth. I am encouraged that it seems more and more women are understanding these truths and then encouraging others they know in the process. Besides God, the husband is the second most important person to influence the mindset of his wife. A man should understand this responsibility and be intentful in helping his wife understand her value to him, Biblical patriarchy, and her value to the mission of the family.

As for a potential second wife, she shouldn't be joining a family if she doesn't fully understand that she is joining the entire family, and that she will need to find her place in it. This also takes time. She will need to get to know the family on a daily basis, get to know her husband better, and start understanding his desires for his family. Then hopefully she will find what her talents are that will help the mission of the family be successful.

The journey to understanding plural marriage for women is different for each one but thankfully the Spirit of God meets us in individual ways to help us if we are willing to learn, listen and trust in Him and our husbands. So, be a trustworthy husband who leads his wife through scripture and example.
 
julieb said:
As for a potential second wife, she shouldn't be joining a family if she doesn't fully understand that she is joining the entire family, and that she will need to find her place in it. This also takes time. She will need to get to know the family on a daily basis, get to know her husband better, and start understanding his desires for his family. Then hopefully she will find what her talents are that will help the mission of the family be successful.

The journey to understanding plural marriage for women is different for each one but thankfully the Spirit of God meets us in individual ways to help us if we are willing to learn, listen and trust in Him and our husbands. So, be a trustworthy husband who leads his wife through scripture and example.
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I wonder if it is possible that the potential 2nd wife live with the family for 3,4 month so that everyone can check compatibility.
 
Maia said:
I wonder if it is possible that the potential 2nd wife live with the family for 3,4 month so that everyone can check compatibility.
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If they can keep their hands off each other enough for that long while living in the same house, then sure. The risk is that they're going to end up in bed one day and be "oh, now we're married, didn't actually think that one through for long enough but here we are...". So it is not possible to set rules around this. It is essential to get to know that you can function as a family, while also essential to maintain sufficient boundaries until you are certain this is the right decision. The practical way to achieve that and the time it will take will vary greatly from situation to situation.
 
ChoosingGod said:
This is a question for fw, sw

There seems to be a generalized thing that switching from mono to poly, the women lose their feeling of being unique.




I perceive that it’s closely tied to the realization that the woman is exclusive to the husband, but the woman is not exclusive for the husband.

I understand that these feelings are real, and all women can have them.

So, what to make of this?

How do you as a FW did you overcame that feeling?

How do you, as a SW, did you came to accept that you were not the « only one ».

Husbands, how do you cope with that?

Thank you and may the Father bless is all.
Click to expand...


Happily my first wife never had an issue with it. I think it was because we both understood the idea of a plural marriage before we met as teens and that we both saw the utility and simple good sense of the notion from our first conversation on the topic way back in high-school.

Honestly can not comment on my second wife for various reasons of privacy that she would objecto sharing.

I think the best a husband can do is to love his wives, try to be a good man and not fail to understand when one of his wives may be feeling as if she is not special.
They are special and amazing and it should be evident and consistent in our conduct.

I think that is the best we can do.
 
ChoosingGod said:
Is there no hope at all?
How can we deconstruct these culture bias?
Click to expand...


Only one at a time for most of us... I suppose the popular entertainment exposure even if many of us see it as poor representation of plural marriage does in fact help.

New ideas and new thoughts.

Plural marriage makes an enormous amount of sense and many woman will see that it is a good fit

I suspect that plenty of curious women find this forum and learn a bit about the practical aspects. I am sure plenty leave and never return but that plenty see it as quite attractive
 
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Maia said:
I wonder if it is possible that the potential 2nd wife live with the family for 3,4 month so that everyone can check compatibility.
Click to expand...
This is exactly what my preference is.

IF it’s ever a likelihood for us, I’m going to expect the potential to come stay with us with the VERY CLEAR understanding that there is a zero tolerance policy with sexual expression for that timeframe. The purpose is for everyone involved to get to know each other through their good days and bad. It’s hard for someone to keep up a false front for months.

I want any potential woman to see me lose my cool, mess up and make things right. See me working on an engine, bust a knuckle, say ugly things and cool off. Hear how I manage conflict in the household and teach my sons.

She needs to see how I love and care for my wife. Because how I treat my first is what she can expect.

Equally so I want to see her character. Good days and bad.

If there’s too much raw physical tension and temptation it can be addressed with proximity and self control. Good communication would be critical, and thankfully one of my leanings is towards over communicating. (A negative for most situations to be sure)

But yes, ideally I want to live close to or in the same household for several months before making any commitment. That way if the woman decides she doesn’t like the way I lead or conduct my life, she’s free to go whenever she wants with no despoiled honor, pure for her future husband. Similar to a live in nanny or housekeeper.

A cabin on the property but separate from the main house is also a completely viable option. Even more distance and personal space.
 
Maia said:
I think it depends. If a husband married a wife and from the start it was clear for all that the goal is a poly relationship then the 1st wife does not really have any reason to complain.
Click to expand...
Not having "any reason to complain," and not complaining, are two very different things.

Which leads to the main point I'd make, there is a BIG difference between,
"intellectual understanding," and emotional.

It's one thing to know, even, what YHVH says. And another to "walk it out," especially in a society that literally hates you for it. But THAT, at least, is really "nothing new under the sun."
 
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