Lost “Unique” feelings of the wives

[Mark C]

PS> So, yes, I'm for a 'trial period" of getting-to-know-you, as well. But I add that there is a pragmatic issue with three or four MONTHS, nice as it might be.

In the case of my own recent, BLESSING from Yah addition - who was from halfway across the country, it was logistics. She had an apartment, a (fortunately) remote-work job, and "loose ends" to deal with. Much over a month would have been a major hardship, and a logistical nightmare. SO we spent a lot of time on the phone (all of us) before the first physical meet, prayed together, and discussed everything we could. (And she had already had months to listen to my podcasts and Torah teachings, so knew of my own biases, style, and positions on Scripture, which reflects a lot more anyway. And the fact that she still wanted to come spoke volumes to me. )

 

[Joleneakamama]

By raising children in an atmosphere that teaches proper egos.

One of the things that comes to my mind.....is how children (and grown ups) are taught to pray.

Let me just say first that I know God cares about the little things in our lives too....and answers lots of prayers about even small details of our day to day life as we walk with Him.

Ok. An example that came to mind was hearing about a young cousin of mine (9 to 12) having a bad hair day....and praying about it. The story was he answered her prayer and her hair cooperated.
now I'd never want to discourage a child from praying but the problem I have with that idea is that how you look in your own opinion....is not a matter of holiness....or righteousness.....or humility. Jesus example of how we should pray did not at all address our looks. The Lord's prayer actually takes our eyes and focus OFF of us, and puts it back on the one that is deserving of all praise forever.

So serving others and worshiping Yah looks like the best example one could give children to avoid the wrong kind of "ego' developing.

And treating prayer like a magic way to get everything you want....like Yah is a genii in a bottle....or just plain spoiling an only child....might not teach them their proper place in His kingdom. The world doesn't revolve around them....The Bible is about Yeshua/Jesus....and learning how to build His kingdom.

 

[ChoosingGod]

Entirely true.
Need to be setup with the right boundaries and with all people involved to know these boundaries.

If they can keep their hands off each other enough for that long while living in the same house, then sure. The risk is that they're going to end up in bed one day and be "oh, now we're married, didn't actually think that one through for long enough but here we are...". So it is not possible to set rules around this. It is essential to get to know that you can function as a family, while also essential to maintain sufficient boundaries until you are certain this is the right decision. The practical way to achieve that and the time it will take will vary greatly from situation to situation.

 

[FollowingHim]

In the case of my own recent, BLESSING from Yah addition

I presume you've mentioned this before, and I must have missed it in the hundreds of posts I've just marked read recently. Belated congratulations!

 

[Mark C]

I presume you've mentioned this before, and I must have missed it in the hundreds of posts I've just marked read recently. Belated congratulations!

Actually I hadn't, but thanks.

 

[paterfamilias]

Actually I hadn't, but thanks.

We talking a new baby?

 

[Fledgling]

We talking a new baby?

I must say: as described, this new baby has been incredibly successful, and has an extremely bright future ahead, having achieved so much already.

Congrats, @Mark C! (Both in jest, and in sincerity)

 

[Bartato]

Do the Lord Jesus Christ, and our Father in Heaven view me as unique?

In some sense, I believe so. He formed me, called me before I was born, and knew me from my mother's womb.

He delights when my soul esteems Him above all else. He knows when I sleep and when I rise. Not a hair falls from my head apart from His will.

Is He exclusive to me? Should I expect Him to be?

He is not! Hallelujah! Glory be to God! Christ is too wonderful a Savior for that!

Obviously I am not as glorious a husband as He is Savior, but nonetheless the Bible teaches that there is some sort of parallel between our relationships.

 

[Mark C]

We talking a new baby?

New wife. (Although we all prefer the term 'etzer kenegdo.' )

 

[paterfamilias]

New wife. (Although we all prefer the term 'etzer kenegdo.' )

Excellent news. Congratulations

 

[Fledgling]

How might a man go about convincing a potential first wife, before marriage, to be willing to go through the stretching and pain to discover true uniqueness, to be willing to let go of that exclusivity, to be willing to let go of having all of her husband? After all, God is unlimited, and we are able to have all of Him without having Him exclusively. But we men are limited, and our women would (theoretically) be unable to have all of us if it's not exclusive.

That's a concern posed to me by a woman, recently.

 

[Bartato]

How might a man go about convincing a potential first wife, before marriage, to be willing to go through the stretching and pain to discover true uniqueness, to be willing to let go of that exclusivity, to be willing to let go of having all of her husband? After all, God is unlimited, and we are able to have all of Him without having Him exclusively. But we men are limited, and our women would (theoretically) be unable to have all of us if it's not exclusive.

That's a concern posed to me by a woman, recently.

I think this is one of the weaknesses or drawbacks of polygyny.

There are plusses and minusses to everything, including polygyny.

The answer to your question is probably something like:

Be so awesome that a woman would rather share you that have anyone else all to herself. Be so awesome that she can't imagine living without you.

Remember that I'm speaking hypothetically. I have no experience with this.

 

[steve]

How might a man go about convincing a potential first wife, before marriage, to be willing to go through the stretching and pain to discover true uniqueness, to be willing to let go of that exclusivity, to be willing to let go of having all of her husband? After all, God is unlimited, and we are able to have all of Him without having Him exclusively. But we men are limited, and our women would (theoretically) be unable to have all of us if it's not exclusive.

That's a concern posed to me by a woman, recently.

Ask her if she is willing to share, or is she in the “I’ve got mine, too bad about you!” camp.

 

[julieb]

How might a man go about convincing a potential first wife, before marriage, to be willing to go through the stretching and pain to discover true uniqueness, to be willing to let go of that exclusivity, to be willing to let go of having all of her husband?

One issue at a time. While encouraging her to mature in her relationship with the Scriptures and God. Also, having other ladies to talk with who do understand patriarchy and Biblical marriage. It can also give this man a chance to stretch his leadership muscle as he helps her deal with each issue/fear even before marrying her. She might not become his wife, but he has certainly set her up to be a better wife for someone. Though all this takes time, so I guess a man would have to weigh his time versus his level of emotional connection to a potential to know if it was worth his time.

 

[Bartato]

One issue at a time. While encouraging her to mature in her relationship with the Scriptures and God. Also, having other ladies to talk with who do understand patriarchy and Biblical marriage. It can also give this man a chance to stretch his leadership muscle as he helps her deal with each issue/fear even before marrying her. She might not become his wife, but he has certainly set her up to be a better wife for someone. Though all this takes time, so I guess a man would have to weigh his time versus his level of emotional connection to a potential to know if it was worth his time.

What about trying to help a woman understand that she doesn't so much "have a man", as much as she "is had by her man"?

Would that be helpful?

 

[julieb]

What about trying to help a woman understand that she doesn't so much "have a man", as much as she "is had by her man"?

Would that be helpful?

I would put that under maturity in the Scripture on marriage, and with some assistance of someone showing her the influence of feminism that effects that mindset. And prayer that her eyes will be opened.

 

[steve]

What about trying to help a woman understand that she doesn't so much "have a man", as much as she "is had by her man"?

Would that be helpful?

Because one can of worms at a time isn’t enough?

 

[MeganC]

Absolutely and yes it is a good idea that people do practice.
You should chat with @MeganC as she expands on the notion regularly

@Maia

Absolutely! It's helpful to live with a family for at least a month so you get to see them when they're relaxed and being who they normally are. Likewise, they get to see you as who you are.

 

[Bartato]

Because one can of worms at a time isn’t enough?

I guess I'm wonder about order of worm cans. Should this be one of the earlier worm cans, or a later one?

 

[Fledgling]

What about trying to help a woman understand that she doesn't so much "have a man", as much as she "is had by her man"?

Would that be helpful?

This is an intriguing point, which I haven't thought through before. Thanks.

Similarly, it could be said that we don't "have" God, but that He has us. He bought us, He owns us, He created us, He leads us.

Whatever we have from God, whatever makes us feel like we "have God", is actually God giving to us because He has us. We don't take from Him, we receive from Him.

In the software development world, it's a bit like webhooks, or web sockets. We, the "client", have connected/subscribed to God, the "server". The server then sends us messages, instead of us having to poll the server (keep pestering the server for messages). The server, not the client, decides when and what to send to the client. The client only needs to listen and be ready to receive.

In the same way, we have subscribed to God by accepting His Son's death for us. Now it is up to God to decide when and what to give us. It is up to us to listen and be ready to receive what He gives us. He gives to us when He wants to, not necessarily when we want Him to.

I haven't thought of it that way before.

I might have some luck with this particular woman if I approach things from this angle. So long as I try to help her understand this slowly and with care. Might possibly be the easier can of worms in this specific circumstance.