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Married man and married woman friendships?

D

DeathIsNotTheEnd

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Excuse the somewhat silly title but I couldn't figure out how else to title this lol.

Also if this is the wrong place for this question, by all means move it away! :)


Alright so, looking for input from you all.
I realize there are different views on this probably, but I'm curious what everyone here thinks. Please keep in mind the qualifiers of the underlined words.

Is it (safe/acceptable/good) for a married woman to be close (by herself, not as part of a family) friends with a married man (not her husband) ?

Note that I'm specifically talking about cases where the man and woman are CLOSE friends, and friends by themselves (that is, this isn't 'Mark and Amanda are close friends with Jeremy and his wife, therefore Amanda and Jeremy are close friends'. This is, 'Mark and Jeremy don't know or like each other, but Jeremy and Amanda are super close friends and do stuff alone together'.)

My personal thoughts:
Personally I have no problem or see no issue with married folks being friends with each other. That's not really what I'm asking here.
For myself, I truly believe it is possible for men and women to be completely platonic friends without romance. However, I do think that the closer we get, and the more our 'love language' is spoken (time together, acts of service, gifts, etc...), the closer to love that becomes. Personally I find it unwise and inappropriate for me to pursue a married woman as a close friend. 'Normal' friends, that is, the kind of person who you share some interests with and hang out at work with, is fine. Likewise if we are close as a FAMILY unit, then I feel there is safety in being closer. But I would never call up a married woman and ask her to go do something the 2 of us. I would only ever pursue the husband as a friend first, and THEN the wife.
I guess in that sense, the way I see it is: the husband and wife are a packaged deal. Intimacy (including platonic intimacy) must be sought THROUGH the husband, so to speak.


Hope this makes sense.
Again, please note the underlined words. Friendships/interaction which falls outside these categories is NOT what I'm asking about (but if it is helpful for comparison purposes, by all means :)
 
I largely agree with you any sort of close friendship between a man with a married woman should be guarded against. Mostly because of the high likelihood that romantic feelings will develop on one side or the other if not both.
 
My wife isn’t permitted to look other men in the eyes, let alone be friends with another man. :cool: Yup

... she has “a friend in Jesus” !

Lol jk :p

Seriously though.. I agree with what You said pretty much... my wifey don’t need no close dude friends!
 
I really try to limit my interaction with women as much as possible, and especially married women. I'm just not comfortable around most of them. And windblown is practically never in a situation where she even could develop a relationship with a man. It's just not healthy. Married woman are simply set apart.
 
ZecAustin said:
And windblown is practically never in a situation where she even could develop a relationship with a man.
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That's exactly the same here, it just doesn't happen. I have mummy friends, and couple friends with Samuel, but I can't imagine having a close male friend like that - I mean, that's what Samuel is.

One situation I did think about was that a few years ago Samuel and I looked briefly into getting an Au Pair to help me out with the kids (like a nanny), one that would be a mother's helper. One of the options was a 'Bro Pair' which is just a male that does it. But it struck me that spending every day with another man who was helping to parent my children with me was just asking for trouble.
 
Mary and I made an agreement when we first married that we would never even go to lunch with someone of the opposite gender alone. This has taken the idea of improprieties out of our relationship and prevented even a little bit of jealousies. Now that we are looking I find I am so very out of practice in the pursuit of another woman.
 
EternalDreamer said:
This is, 'Mark and Jeremy don't know or like each other, but Jeremy and Amanda are super close friends and do stuff alone together
Click to expand...

If I see that I assume that J & A are having sex or will be soon. Not a situation any married women should let her self be in nor any husband allow.
 
B"H

I see a lot of wisdom in what everyone has written so far.

I realize this will seem quite extreme but since we're spit-balling about this.
In *religious* Jewish culture, it is forbidden for a man to even be alone in a room with a closed door with a married woman.
The talmud tractate Ketuboth lists a married woman voluntarily going into a room with a man alone for a few minutes as grounds for divorce.
In addition, men are not supposed have lengthy conversations with women who are not their wives (unless they are courting); this would of course preclude a real friendship from ever forming.
In our family, we practice "shomer nega" (no touching of the opposite sex, not even for handshakes, high fives etc) except for immediate family.

I like these boundaries and I'm glad to know my wives observe them. Boundaries and hedges are good sometimes.
 
IshChayil said:
B"H

I see a lot of wisdom in what everyone has written so far.

I realize this will seem quite extreme but since we're spit-balling about this.
In *religious* Jewish culture, it is forbidden for a man to even be alone in a room with a closed door with a married woman.
The talmud tractate Ketuboth lists a married woman voluntarily going into a room with a man alone for a few minutes as grounds for divorce.
In addition, men are not supposed have lengthy conversations with women who are not their wives (unless they are courting); this would of course preclude a real friendship from ever forming.
In our family, we practice "shomer nega" (no touching of the opposite sex, not even for handshakes, high fives etc) except for immediate family.

I like these boundaries and I'm glad to know my wives observe them. Boundaries and hedges are good sometimes.
Click to expand...


Boom baby! Now we’re talkin! Yup! :cool:

Kinda how we roll too... I mean even if it’s the plumber stopping by to work while I’m not home, wifey will load up the crew and go for a drive to avoid such a setting.

#myfemale #notouchy
 
I used to be a general contractor and I can say it was common for me to be in a house alone with a woman. Usually married. Never ran into any problems...
 
My wife Ali has a commercial newspaper that comes out twice a month. In the course of operating it she meets with different males.
She meets with and prays with the mayor about town matters twice a month, alone.
I don’t have any problems with it.
I have sent Karin to make purchases of items from people by herself. The last one didn’t work out so good. She purchased a chest freezer that wasn’t immediately available because it was still in use. Made plans to pick it up the next week.
Long story short, he had a heart attack over the weekend and died the next week. His sister hauled it away in spite of the note attached to it saying that it belonged to us. :eek:
So we lost $50 by not being pushy. Oh well.
 
I also am a contractor and there are many times when I have meetings with the wife of the house or designers or a tile installer that’s a married lady. Due to the nature of my business alone time is very unpredictable and does happen on occasions.

Though at times with some of them discussions will spring up about Biblical matters or mutual friends or family, I am very careful to maintain a professional distance and won’t usually engage in personal conversations. To date I’ve never been propositioned by a client and I have a good rep from everyone I’ve worked with.

Interestingly, I am even more careful now since understanding poly.
 
Pacman said:
I used to be a general contractor and I can say it was common for me to be in a house alone with a woman. Usually married. Never ran into any problems...
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My closest friend lost his wife when a contractor came in to fix the kitchen cabinets; he became "friends" with her, and my buddy was so trusting and didn't mind.
I helped him put a gps tracker on her car to prove she was going over to the contractor's apartment instead of a mall or whatever it was she claimed (long time ago).
We found out she slept with him. In their situation a hedge may have helped.

So ... too bad you weren't the contractor then none of that would have happened. The reason I shared this true story is to highlight that "it never happened to me" is usually not solid grounds for disproving a nugget of cultural wisdom. I would certainly hope all the men on B.F. forums are above adultery... there are some guys who could be tempted by a Potiphar's wife and there are some guys who just get overly jealous and those hedges for some families help keep the peace.

Verifyveritas76 said:
Though at times with some of them discussions will spring up about Biblical matters or mutual friends or family, I am very careful to maintain a professional distance and won’t usually engage in personal conversations.
Click to expand...
wise
 
IshChayil said:
My closest friend lost his wife when a contractor came in to fix the kitchen cabinets; he became "friends" with her, and my buddy was so trusting and didn't mind.
Click to expand...
My experience is that IF a woman is stealable, then it is only a matter of time. Creating rules to protect the marriage often makes the rules the focus and the relationship spirals downhill.

Building a solid relationship that a woman wouldn’t dream of breaking would be my preference.
 
steve said:
My experience is that IF a woman is stealable, then it is only a matter of time. Creating rules to protect the marriage often makes the rules the focus and the relationship spirals downhill.

Building a solid relationship that a woman wouldn’t dream of breaking would be my preference.
Click to expand...
Indeed.
I'm just glad my buddy didn't shoot the guy or the both of them.
 
BTW regarding the "no touching" for those who are interested in this, I've found that bowing works quite well.
I acknowledge the lady by bowing instead of shaking her hand and they usually get it. If there are many people around and the person is a little dim and keep thrusting their hand I'll just shake it so I don't embarrass them.
Same goes with wives... we know it's not a sin just a hedge.
 
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