Prayer request Need prayer for me

[steve]

One thing that I did was just maintain a positive attitude.
Answer any questions, but end with: “I know that it is the opposite of the way that girls are brought up, but someday you will see how it is the love of Yah for everyone involved.”
Point to the future, rather than accepting the negative of the now.

 

[PeteR]

Lots of good advice. Prayer and FASTING... Works wonders! Also, I never acknowledged the hurtful things, I simply reminded her I love her. I would occasionally broach the topic, but generally speaking, she knew it is Biblical, right , and good, she just needed time to wrap her head around this crazy change in our life. Early she asked, on more than one occasion for a divorce, I always gave a fast and firm "NO! Not happening. You belong to me and I'm not letting you go!"

Today, things are different. We just had a wonderful 30th. She knows the Father will bring someone at some point. I'm not hunting, but definitely open. We are closer and closer to Yah!

 

[Farmer Moses]

One thing that I did was just maintain a positive attitude.
Answer any questions, but end with: “I know that it is the opposite of the way that girls are brought up, but someday you will see how it is the love of Yah for everyone involved.”
Point to the future, rather than accepting the negative of the now.

Good advice. It is hard to stay positive sometimes but something a leader must do. I think being genuine about it is important as well. It does no one any favors to just paint on a smiley face and pretend everything is alright. I need to find the right way to portray a better future with polygyny than the one she immediately paints when the future is discussed. Hers is divorce.

PeteR I can appreciate your viewpoint as well as well as your approach to your wife and how it all worked out. I am happy for you! In the case of my wife I think that type of approach would cause the opposite reaction. She comes from a country where men are known to dominate women rather than lead them, so she is extremely sensitive and rebellious against any man making her do something or preventing her from doing something. No my experience with her tells me she responds to gentle wooing and kindness moreso than expressions of competing ownership.

But every woman is different and it is good to consider all possible strategies in love is it not?

 

[Keith Martin]

In the case of my wife I think that type of approach would cause the opposite reaction. She comes from a country where men are known to dominate women rather than lead them, so she is extremely sensitive and rebellious against any man making her do something or preventing her from doing something.

The entire situation is one in which you are the one with the authority to decide what leadership approach you're going to take. You've requested prayers and guidance and have received some really excellent suggestions.

Be cautious, though, when relying upon what I've quoted from your most recent reply, considering the possible fodder for contemplation: while your wife may come from a country where men are known to dominate women rather than lead them, your wife is now in a country where pretending that all men possess toxic masculinity and only want to bully and dominate their women rather than lead them, creating a flowing river of opportunity for women to instead dominate the men in their lives while continuing to expect those same men to protect them, provide for them, organize the world in which they swim, and bow to their every whim.

 

[Farmer Moses]

The entire situation is one in which you are the one with the authority to decide what leadership approach you're going to take. You've requested prayers and guidance and have received some really excellent suggestions.

Be cautious, though, when relying upon what I've quoted from your most recent reply, considering the possible fodder for contemplation: while your wife may come from a country where men are known to dominate women rather than lead them, your wife is now in a country where pretending that all men possess toxic masculinity and only want to bully and dominate their women rather than lead them, creating a flowing river of opportunity for women to instead dominate the men in their lives while continuing to expect those same men to protect them, provide for them, organize the world in which they swim, and bow to their every whim.

Yeah I see where you are coming from Keith. I agree with what you are saying. I may not have explained myself well enough before regarding what I think is the most effective approach with her.

She recognizes that I am the head of the house in all matters financial, spiritual, and important decisions for the family. Polygyny appears to be her current holdout of submission. She doesn't really buy into the whole toxic masculinity thing or anything woke lol. Thankfully.

I think it's more of a tone thing than anything else. If I said the same thing in an authoritarian tone She would rebel, but if I said the same thing in a kind loving way, she would react differently. Not saying she would simply comply, but would actually listen. It's I guess a minor difference but seems to mean the world to her sometimes.

Does that make sense? Thanks to all for the advice and prayers I really appreciate them!

 

[MeganC]

She doesn't really buy into the whole toxic masculinity thing

To some women any form of masculinity is 'toxic masculinity'.

They've been brainwashed into thinking that women are supposed to be men and men are supposed to be gay. Ignore this and do what the Spirit calls you to do. Your wife will eventually appreciate having a Bible-believing man in the house.

 

[Farmer Moses]

To some women any form of masculinity is 'toxic masculinity'.

They've been brainwashed into thinking that women are supposed to be men and men are supposed to be gay. Ignore this and do what the Spirit calls you to do. Your wife will eventually appreciate having a Bible-believing man in the house.

Thanks for the vote of confidence MeganC. You are correct, some women try to reverse the roles completely and turn the created order on its head!

I don't know that I see that happening here, she may still be hurting from the shock of having her world turned upside down and acting out a little.

Yes definitely I must obey YHWH rather than men (or women). Whatever the Lord calls me to do, that I will do, with His strength and provision naturally.

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

she may still be hurting from the shock of having her world turned upside down

She is still mourning the loss of what she thought her marriage with you was. Is this the first anniversary since plural was brought up? Did you vow to forsake all others when you married? It took me several years to not feel like anniversaries were just a sad day to remember, even with no one in the picture - they were still sore reminders that the life we shared when we got married would forever look different. This discovery that my husband could have new wedded bliss with someone else brought about mountains of insecurities. A lot came from fear of being left out and forgotten about. It’s taken years and a LOT OF HARD WORK digging into my heart issues to be able to look forward to anniversary and life, really. Those first years, I couldn't watch our wedding video (or really anyone’s wedding) without sobbing. I was tempted to take down wedding pictures we had hanging and box them up. It broke my heart to see them. I felt our marriage and the years we spent together had no value due to him wanting another wife. I know that’s not the case now, despite him trying to express that over and over, I just couldn’t understand or hear it through the hurt I was dealing with in my heart. Plural is a hard pill for most women to swallow. I’m happy to chat with her if she just needs someone who’s been there (and still struggles at times).

 

[frederick]

She is still mourning the loss of what she thought her marriage with you was. Is this the first anniversary since plural was brought up? Did you vow to forsake all others when you married? It took me several years to not feel like anniversaries were just a sad day to remember, even with no one in the picture - they were still sore reminders that the life we shared when we got married would forever look different. This discovery that my husband could have new wedded bliss with someone else brought about mountains of insecurities. A lot came from fear of being left out and forgotten about. It’s taken years and a LOT OF HARD WORK digging into my heart issues to be able to look forward to anniversary and life, really. Those first years, I couldn't watch our wedding video (or really anyone’s wedding) without sobbing. I was tempted to take down wedding pictures we had hanging and box them up. It broke my heart to see them. I felt our marriage and the years we spent together had no value due to him wanting another wife. I know that’s not the case now, despite him trying to express that over and over, I just couldn’t understand or hear it through the hurt I was dealing with in my heart. Plural is a hard pill for most women to swallow. I’m happy to chat with her if she just needs someone who’s been there (and still struggles at times).

Thank you for your comments @WifeOfHisYouth - although made for @Farmer Moses. I think what you describe is what I've seen in my wife so it may be a common difficulty for wives from western cultures. Something for us men to keep in mind.

 

[Farmer Moses]

She is still mourning the loss of what she thought her marriage with you was. Is this the first anniversary since plural was brought up? Did you vow to forsake all others when you married? It took me several years to not feel like anniversaries were just a sad day to remember, even with no one in the picture - they were still sore reminders that the life we shared when we got married would forever look different. This discovery that my husband could have new wedded bliss with someone else brought about mountains of insecurities. A lot came from fear of being left out and forgotten about. It’s taken years and a LOT OF HARD WORK digging into my heart issues to be able to look forward to anniversary and life, really. Those first years, I couldn't watch our wedding video (or really anyone’s wedding) without sobbing. I was tempted to take down wedding pictures we had hanging and box them up. It broke my heart to see them. I felt our marriage and the years we spent together had no value due to him wanting another wife. I know that’s not the case now, despite him trying to express that over and over, I just couldn’t understand or hear it through the hurt I was dealing with in my heart. Plural is a hard pill for most women to swallow. I’m happy to chat with her if she just needs someone who’s been there (and still struggles at times).

Thanks for sharing your experience and struggles Wifeofhisyouth. It's encouraging to hear from someone who struggled with it greatly but has still followed her husband into plural marriage.

No this will be the second anniversary that she knew I felt a calling towards polygyny. I think the first one maybe she wasn't sure if I was going through a phase or what, but now I think she realizes that my mind is not about to change on the topic and that is frightening indeed for her though it need not be so...

I honestly couldn't tell you for sure what the exact wording of our vows were without watching the vhs tape again. I think I will when I get a chance just for reference and reflection. But I would say we did it in a spirit of monogamy and I don't intend to move forward with looking for a 2nd without her giving me the ok, as I would want bringing a possible 2nd into the family to be a joyous occasion rather than a calamity.

I will tell her about your offer if an opportunity presents itself. I tried to get her to create a profile and join the ladies chat before some months back, but she was very resistant to the idea. I think everyone's prayers are helping lately though as she and I have been more communicative and more normal for lack of a better word which has been a welcome respite.

Let me ask you something, what benefits or blessings do you have in your life as a result of polygyny? This question is open to any and all other wives as well. I tried to share with her the benefits of a sister wife before, to no avail.

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

I certainly am not a grand example of jumping on board and being thrilled from the get go. I’ve had my share of riding the emotional roller coaster! We are still seeking and waiting to see if God truly has plural marriage in store- however, the years have brought about much personal growth and our marriage has grown to a deeper level; we would have never gotten to this depth without plural being brought up/ desired by my husband.

I still struggle with aspects but I have learned to take those moments, reflect on them, dig deep to truly try to understand what the root cause is and how to turn it to growth. I’m sure my husband can’t count the times of frustration he’s had due to my lack of understanding but I can’t even express the love I have for him in how patient, loving yet steadfast he has been. I’ve been able to see his heart, intentions and love for his family in the choices he’s made. And he’s shown me this isn’t just a cult he’s joining!

My husband did make the vow to forsake all others. I knew that I had no place to hold him to it and should release him, yet those early days, I did not want to. It was my “golden ticket” and I wrestled with God about it. He never demanded I release him, but I knew I needed to. That moment felt like I was saying goodbye to my marriage and I was left empty. We later created more beautiful promises that were not binding him to monogamy and that helped my heart not feel so lost.

Let me ask you something, what benefits or blessings do you have in your life as a result of polygyny? This question is open to any and all other wives as well. I tried to share with her the benefits of a sister wife before, to no avail.

At this point, I am still solo-wifing. It took me a long time to not see the “benefits” as “threats.” My husband tried to share things that could be benefits of plural with me to help me see, but I wasn’t at a place to understand. I saw them as “I’m failing there so he must need someone better” to the sweetest suggestions of “maybe she could lighten your load by helping with laundry.” Now, I see the benefits and dream of sharing a lot of my tasks lol. Then. Not. So. Much.

She has to do the hard work on her heart, but it takes time. And sometime having another woman to talk to who has felt the feelings, cried the tears, felt the anger and disappointment, yet, can point her back to the truth- it can help take away the loneliness that plural brings.

 

[Joleneakamama]

Let me ask you something, what benefits or blessings do you have in your life as a result of polygyny? This question is open to any and all other wives as well. I tried to share with her the benefits of a sister wife before, to no avail.

I shared some of my thinking on that years ago.. .like twelve. Lol in this thread.

Practically speaking. Mucho potential for improved support for all. But that theoretical potential can only be realized if all learn to live with love as the motivating force behind treatment of others in the family. *shrugs*

I would suggest you share with your wife that the realistic likelihood of you finding (on your own power) a suitable woman that is willing to join you in marriage is practically nonexistent. Not trying to discourage you, but truly in the modern world it is bordering on if not literally a miracle when a man gets a second wife.

Maybe that realization will help her lay those fears to rest.....or even process the reality with more grace should it be in your future.