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Needing advice and support

I, too, am glad to hear that your husband is standing up against her destructive attitudes and behavior. Adult tantrums are very difficult to be a part of but you showing Christ's love to her and her children can be the good that comes out of it. Trust that at some point this behavior will end, the problem is she can choose to end it by destroying the family or she can choose to end it by following her husband and build an even better family for herself and her children. You be the best friend you can be, within good boundaries, and pray for your husband to be a good spiritual leader and husband to her.

As for Thanksgiving, that is a hard thing. I have known several plural families who do this regarding EVERYTHING in their life because of various reasons. I say this because, even though it isn't what you would like, it is something that can be done and certainly for a short period of time. I encourage you to view it as an opportunity to build a relationship with the extended family on a none threatening basis. This is your chance to show them who you are! Also, it can be a chance for you to see how your husband and SW celebrate Thanksgiving. Pay attention to what is important to them and how they show their love to their family. This will help you understand how you can help in this celebration in the years to come.
 
Agree with julieb that giving humble love does not mean no boundaries. Keep healthy boundaries in a loving way of course.

One other thing i was thinking about is that the family is now vulnarable and everybody esp wives and kids may feel less safe (about their position and where they are heading). I think it is now easy for both wives to fall in the trap of "scoring points" with the husband.. meaning that each wife is going to look for validation of the husband by getting him to choose her side. If the other wife does that, we can't change it cause she is not on the forum. But you are here and you are comitted and strong. Pray and be careful not to fall in the trap of doing the match between wives thing. Satan is looking for a way in.

This situation is very demanding of you, also because you do not have your own room there. So at the same time of doing your best, do not be to harsh on yourself, you can make mistakes, you can cry etc. that is ok you are human and you are loved.

Maybe the first wife is open to sport so she can have a healthy way of letter her anger and hurt out? Running could help, i know this can help people very well through very difficult times and emotions (maybe even something you could do together, or with your husband. )

Still praying for you! and lots of hugs for you!
 
It's not about you. It was never about you. The first wife was not even remotely ready and is doing everything possible to make you uncomfortable so you will leave.
You don't need advice on how to tell your husband you want to leave. You have done that already, and he refused to listen to you. What you need to do is just leave. I don't mean leave the marriage, not at all. I simply mean leave the house, live somewhere separate that is a space just for you and hubby and give wife #1 a chance to calm down, and hopefully give hubby a chance to step up.
You are already going to be staying in a hotel for thanksgiving, right? So why don't you just stay there after thanksgiving is over? Or go there early if you really need to get away from it all now. Let hubby know that you are serious so he actually gets his head around the fact that this is a problem that needs to be fixed, not something he can just brush off and pretend isn't happening.
 
Good to hear you are going to stay somewhere else!
And keep praying, you and your family are in my prayers too.
Lets pray also that your husband is going to step up and take responsibility. This is not about you at all, and it is not about his first wife eighter.
Hope emotions can calm down a bit now for everybody.

Remember, if this marriage works when the wives live seperately than that is ok. This is your marriage and there is no rule where everybody should live.
Every family does this in a way that is best for them. Maybe this is not what your husband has envisioned, but he can't force people in his (ideal) mold.
It can be hard to communicate something like this to him, but you are doing well. He is the head of the family, that means he should do what is best for everybody involved
And you as a wife can communicate your boundaries so he knows what everybody involved needs.
 
I'm glad to hear that y'all have reached an agreement about your living situation.

I will second what FollowingHim2 said: it was never about you. Your sister wife would be reacting negatively no matter what, so don't let anybody tell you that it's your fault or anything like that.

I will pray for you and your family to find your harmony, whether it is living together or separately.
 
Maybe you could try calling her or asking your husband to send her over? At least then you know she didn't just "miss" your invitation.

Either way I hope you get the opportunity to work a few more things out! :)
 
I dont know what else to do but dig in my heals and stick to my guns. I feel like for weeks i have given her all the power for weeks and now i have the power and im not going to give it up again.
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You go girl! If she won't even let you get your coffee pot out, then she can come to where you are now. I'm glad you're trying to work this out with her. She may not be willing for a while, but keep showing her love and that you're not her competition.
 
Sorry things are still tough.. Hate to say it but I do not think it is going to be a quick fix.. It definitely seems like there are some big things she is facing too and there is going to need some major healing/ heart change. I've heard many stories of it taking awhile if not years for the wives to get to a good place (if they weren't prepared for the change). In the mean time, enjoy your husband and don't let that stress ruin your time together.
 
It is not an easy situation. But i am glad you are seeking support and advise.

So sorry to hear there is no real contact between you and sw. How was the contact with her before you moved in?
 
Thank you for sharing this, it makes it easier to see your situation. I am seriously worried and think the best thing to do now is to let everybody cool down. Maybe you could discuss with your husband to let thing rest for now. She doesn't want or is incapable to talk right now, everybody will only get more frustrated if you keep trying. You could pick a date in the (near) future for the talk (for ex after a month) with your husband or somebody you both trust present. You do not have to talk then about what happened in the past but talk about how you can both feel save and comfortable in the new situation. What does she need and what do you need. Maybe you will not live in the same house ever, maybe you will live in the same house after some time. It does not matter. The main goal is to make this last and to bring back peace and stability.

This story can also help others who are in the PM process. So your story is also very valuable for others. I am glad you are sharing it.

God bless
 
hartley said:
He wants me to come meet him and sw tonight. I dont think i should go but i wanted to reach out and see what you all think.
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If this is what your husband wants, then you should do it.
hartley said:
My thoughts are this issues are between me and her and if we cant work it out between us then its not ever going to work. Her refusal to communicate with me is just crazy and needs to end.
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You need to give it time. You've only been moved out for 2 days.
I know of a man who has two wives. He's not a Christian and doesn't call it polygyny exactly. In fact, everyone thinks he's married to one and is cheating with the other. However, both women think they are his woman. He spends time with one, then goes and spends time with the other. He's committed to both, has children with both. Both know about each other. And neither speak to each other. Oh and one lives in New Zealand, and the other lives in Australia.
Sure, that's a messy situation, but it works for them all. All are understanding about it. What I'm saying is that even with women who do not speak to each other and who live in different countries it can still work. It wouldn't of course be how you wanted it to be in the first place, but you can still have a relationship with the husband, and hopefully with the children.
Like I said, give it time and prayer.
 
My thoughts are this issues are between me and her and if we cant work it out between us then its not ever going to work. Her refusal to communicate with me is just crazy and needs to end.

I would agree that you should probably go to the meeting with both of them. I understand that the issues are between wives but lots of times conversations get turned into "she said, she said". I think it would be good to have the husband hear all you are saying so he is clear about what the strife is and hopefully makes him better to work towards a solution for both of you. He can also be a mediator of sorts if one of you gets off on a tangent.

I know things are overwhelming right now, I encourage you to remember why you believed that you were to marry this man. Ask God to give you a vision of what the family COULD be in the future. Knowing that the future will come only after some hard work but in the end His glory will be seen thru it all!
 
I agree with Julie. I would want my husband to be there to eliminate any misrepresentations of the conversion on either wife's side. It is easy to take something wrong when you are already hurt and having him there to buffer mediate might be best. He can help clear up confusion from a manly unemotional place too. Plus, HE is the head of the household, the division is between the wives, but it is he that has to help guide it to a health place and fix his house. PLUS, having him there will ellimate the need for both of you to waste any time feeling like you need to fill him in on what happened in the conversation separately. He will have been there, heard it, and know truly how each of you are feeling.
How long was your dating process?
 
Any updates?
 
Just a thought, but while I can see that there are issues between you and your sw, it looks like those issues are stemming from issues between her and your husband. Particularly her insecurity is an issue, and there's not really anything you can say or do besides prayer that can fix that.

Her unwillingness to come to your hotel and desire to meet in public and wanting him there are signs that she's afraid of the conflict/confrontation with you. I rather doubt that anything can be worked out if either of you feels unsafe.

Also, agreeing with FH2 and Julie. If your husband wants the three of you to meet, then let him be the leader and do what he's asked.
 
So they had tried to have a plural marriage before, and they didn't tell you? I would be hugely concerned at that, because I would want to know what mistakes were made and how they had learned from them to ensure they wouldn't happen again. You would be quite within your rights to keep pushing to find out about that relationship.
Why are you at a shelter? Is your husband no longer providing you with your own place (motel or rental house etc)?

I would not recommend going home to California and breaking up the marriage. You are married to him, like it or not. A marriage, no matter how messy or foolish, is not something to be tossed aside. There are very big issues here, but none that can't be resolved given time and the right advice and attitude. I completely understand you not wanting to have anything to do with your SW, but you are not married to her, you're married to your husband.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, your husband needs advice from the men on this forum. You could just give his phone number to a man on this forum (I can mention names of the best people to contact if needed), and he could contact him to offer his help. Or you could just say to him "Look, it's at the point I'm ready to leave, so my last ditch attempt at this is to ask you to contact these guys who are experienced in having multiple wives and counselling marriages to see if they can help at all." And if he would rather have you leave than speak to anyone about this and humble himself to the fact that it's not working and he needs help, then that says it all really, doesn't it?

I'd also like to encourage you to reach out to some of the women on here in person, by phone call, or to meet up if you feel comfortable and are near to anyone.
 
hartley said:
Im in a shelter because my husband is not willing to support me if im not doing what he wants.
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What is it that he wants, you at home? There are plenty of plural marriages where the wives live in different houses. It works well for some people.

hartley said:
Its been nice though i can be hosest to these ladies. I made sure befor hand that they would not call the police on my husband for being a poly i told them the truth about us and the person i need to be away from is my sw.
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Good. Make sure they don't start bashing poly to you. There's nothing wrong with polygyny, and it works for many people. There's abuse in many different marriages, and in many different relationships.


hartley said:
I agree that i am married. And i dont want to leave but i cant be with someone who clearly doesnt want me around....I dont know what to do i want to save my marrage but not at the cost of my wellbeing and happyness.
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From a biblical standpoint it's not right for you to leave. However, if he chooses to not want to have anything to do with you and send you away, then the sin is on his head and not yours. I would make sure you do everything you can to keep going with the marriage, whilst also standing up for yourself and your needs. You can have a perfectly happy relationship with your husband whilst not being around the SW if she is only going to manipulate and be abusive.
 
Moderator note: I have moved an nonconstructive response by a hurting first wife to a new thread, I would encourage the ladies to read this and do what they can to help this woman also. Click here.
 
It is good news that he is willing to talk with some of the men here. Let me get back with you about that, I need to think about who to suggest. I will message you with my number Hartley in case you would like to call me. I encourage you to reach out to anyone here thru the "conversations" that you seem to connect with. I know you are doing your best to handle the situation at it's present condition. Hang in there! Things can and hopefully will get better.
 
I am so sad for the way that things have turned out for you. I read your post on the other thread, and it is CRAZY what they are doing to you.

I hope that you find happiness in another situation, whether it is a plural or monogamous marriage.
 
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