Oneness

[Keith Martin]

However, it means there is now a part of the husband's heart the wife doesn't have access to or understand.

@julieb and others already the nail on the head about oneness, so I'll keep my mouth shut on that.

I just want to expand on the notion that one's heart is or isn't fully available to one's spouse. Aside from the excellent point about how the heart is capable of expanding to love more than one spouse just as one can love more than one child, it's important for us to recognize that the heart is not just controlled by an on/off switch or even by separate keys one uses to unlock particular chambers. The ability to open one's heart (and/or to love others and allow oneself to be loved by them) is something one can only develop over time and with great effort. We don't come out of the chute fully capable of globally loving anyone; it's much more of a growth process.

Therefore, it's a mistake to beat oneself up about any lack of "full access" to one's heart. As for the Facebook poster in question, it's therefore highly unlikely that his absolute whole heart would be entirely accessible whether he shared it with someone new or didn't share it with someone new. We all have things we hold back, even if we're unaware of it -- and I would contend that someone who didn't know how to be at least somewhat discriminating about what to keep to oneself would likely be hell-on-wheels as a partner.

I recommend avoiding the temptation to seek perfection in oneself. There are no perfect monogamists, so who among us has the right to expect that we will be perfect polygamists.

P.S. Please don't be sorry for inspiring this discussion. I'm grateful for you.

 

[Mbhs]

Wanted to share an update with the only people who I think would understand

God has done a massive work in my heart. When I posted this, of course he already was at work. @julieb was so spot on. I knew God was calling me to lay down my idols and be refined. I listened to a sermon that was so powerful, talking of our call to suffer with Christ. That our suffering is anything that removes our dependence from a gift, to the Giver. It reminded me of how short this life is, and my desire to be poured out, to drink whatever bitter cup God gives me... knowing in eternity I'll experience his good gifts without the stain of sin, without my heart elevating them above Jesus.
This song has been powerful to me as well.

Then both sermons we listened to for church Sunday were what felt like just for me. I wrestled with what exactly God is calling to place on the alter. My husband? Perhaps, I have done that before when he had cancer. My marriage? No, that didn't seem right. My answer was my idea, expectations and desires for our marriage and relationship. To let God define our marriage, not me clinging to it so tightly. As I laid this all down, I also heard the Holy Spirit reminding me that as with Abraham, I don't know what God is doing with what I lay down. That's for him to decide and do. I also felt a shifting that, giving him control, removing my dependence on my marriage, perhaps the redefining of what our relationship looks like,could be good!
Then @Poly Deo Gloria and i had a conversation where I asked to help me understand howa man can truly love two women. As he explained, and shared his heart, (as well as his hurt of me making him out to be this bad guy who would cast me aside when he's always been a loving husband) it clicked. Don't know why, except maybe the Holy Spirit, but I finally was able to truly see and believe him. And believe that as he always has, he won't stop loving me. I will also add as I felt this conviction over my idolatry, there was great grief. Also the fear... And my husband was incredibly loving as he allowed himself to enter my grief and try to feel it with me. I don't think I can express how much that meant.

The big miracle is that I've had a literal knot in my stomach since last summer when we began these conversations. Suddenly, that was gone. We could talk... Even about this woman, and I felt no knot.
And then...I began to see his desire to care and provide for her as...romantic. And I thought of how great of a husband he is to me, how loved I have always felt by him, and I began to have a desire for her to get to experience that. What is happening?! Lol

This woman is someone I actually know of from a distance, and his attraction to her is somewhat my fault as I have openly praised her deep faith and godliness in painful circumstances. She is the person I would want to be a sister wife with.
So I messaged her to tell her she was on my heart and I was praying for her. Well, she messaged back sharing very openly (we know of eachoeach but have actually never talked) asking for prayer because she is ready for a godly husband, and soon.

Well. Now what? I feel the next thing to do is to "offer" my husband to her. Which... Sounds like the craziest thing.
Prayers for us in this are very coveted.

 

[Soli Deo Gloria]

Prayers for us in this are very coveted.

This!!!

 

[Keith Martin]

Well. Now what? I feel the next thing to do is to "offer" my husband to her. Which... Sounds like the craziest thing.

And yet it's not. From the time you entered these forums, I have felt certain you were headed towards this. I also predict that , while you are FAR from over all the humps that lie ahead of you, you will discover that the unfathomable rewards of this process are going to far outweigh the sacrifices you will make. If God provided for this -- as we see He did -- in His Word, then we should trust that He intends to bless those who follow his paths with Love. The temptation will always be to grab ahold of the societal-approval ring, but that's almost a certain prescription for just putting an end to God's Merry-Go-Round ride He seems to have in store for you.

Embrace even the terror.

 

[Mbhs]

I have felt certain you were headed towards this.

As we are truly seeking God's will over this right now, would you care to elaborate what you mean here?

I also appreciate your other comments and clarity.

 

[cnystrom]

I was going to like this so much but then you spelled “through” as “thru”. It’s a shame because otherwise it would have been very very good.

So close! But so far away...

 

[cnystrom]

I think the most exciting thing about being around and sharing fellowship with poly minded believers is seeing the Holy Spirit at work in their lives.

Will keep you in my prayers and may God continue to bless you in the days ahead.

 

[Keith Martin]

As we are truly seeking God's will over this right now, would you care to elaborate what you mean here?

I also appreciate your other comments and clarity.

The only thing to say at this point (and probably until we have the opportunity to meet in person) is that your spirit came across to me from the beginning as one open to the potential blessings.

And I agree with @cnystrom:

I think the most exciting thing about being around and sharing fellowship with poly minded believers is seeing the Holy Spirit at work in their lives.

 

[julieb]

Then both sermons we listened to for church Sunday were what felt like just for me. I wrestled with what exactly God is calling to place on the alter. My husband? Perhaps, I have done that before when he had cancer. My marriage? No, that didn't seem right. My answer was my idea, expectations and desires for our marriage and relationship. To let God define our marriage, not me clinging to it so tightly. As I laid this all down, I also heard the Holy Spirit reminding me that as with Abraham, I don't know what God is doing with what I lay down. That's for him to decide and do. I also felt a shifting that, giving him control, removing my dependence on my marriage, perhaps the redefining of what our relationship looks like,could be good!
Then @Poly Deo Gloria and i had a conversation where I asked to help me understand howa man can truly love two women. As he explained, and shared his heart, (as well as his hurt of me making him out to be this bad guy who would cast me aside when he's always been a loving husband) it clicked. Don't know why, except maybe the Holy Spirit, but I finally was able to truly see and believe him. And believe that as he always has, he won't stop loving me. I will also add as I felt this conviction over my idolatry, there was great grief. Also the fear... And my husband was incredibly loving as he allowed himself to enter my grief and try to feel it with me. I don't think I can express how much that meant.

Love! @Mbhs what a brave woman you have been! It never ceases to amaze me how God speaks to each of us in such unique ways. May He continue to show you truth and freedom.

 

[AlexaH]

@Mbhs

I will share from the second wife perspective. I find you to be very brave. Working through fear is never easy. Even being married fear still creeps in and rears its ugly head from time to time and we work through them as they come along. It will be a learning curve and process. My sister wife says that she doesn't see oneness as a loss but she tries to think about the gains that she has experienced through our relationship. She is my best friend in every way but we still have our ups and downs and that is the normal of every relationship. Praying that everything works out and if you need anything feel free to reach out.
Alexa

 

[Tirtza]

My husband and I have been studying the subject for the past 9 months. Its been incredibly shocking, hard and painful for me. However, I love the truth and God's word and cannot help but see that it is a God approved marriage.
We've been married for over 13 years, and have always had an amazing marriage. We have weathered some pretty intense storms together, almost all external and not specific marriage issues. My husband has always been an amazing godly husband (thought wow, this subject has made him step up in a way he never has before. For that I'm thankful).
However, this subject has rocked me to my core. The idea of him loving another woman has been devastating to me. Over time, it feels less so as we've had many, many very long conversations. He hasn't nor is he pushing me into anything. Yet...from day one of this conversation the fear that he now has the freedom to look elsewhere is very hard for me.
It has been sanctifying for me. Deeply. I've realized my idolatry of myself. Yes, the idea makes me jealous for my husband. But I guess it's a jealousy of all of his affection. I want him to be so in love with me, he would never look or think to look elsewhere, I want him to find all his satisfaction in me alone, all his desire, love, etc. And I've been convicted that what I am actually desiring is what is meant for Christ alone. In this way, I'm thankful for this journey. In my head I see myself as a unfinished statue being chipped away by the Master. And it hurts. But I know He is good. And I know I am satisfied fully when I live my life in full submission the Him.

My two biggest struggles right now are a) intimacy. Sex yes, but really, the idea of my husband loving another woman the way he does me is horrifying. Not sure I'll ever get past that.
2) oneness.
When we have talked about what this would look like practically in our lives, I cannot get around the fact that I, as the first wife would lose my oneness with my husband. Our relationship is one of completely open communication. We love talk and discuss everything. We text on and off throughout the day. We share things we're reading about, learning about, relationships with others, children, etc... everything. For another woman to be in the picture would mean I would lose at least some of that. In a Picture perfect scenario, me and the other wife would be best friends and all three of us would love to talk and spend all this time together etc. But EVEN then. On the evenings he is with her, I don't get to be involved in his life, nor him mine. We don't get to wake up together and hug, talk about the start of our day, be with our children together.
When we talk about this, he agrees. I would be the loser in the situation because of this. Since marriage is the union of a man and a woman, the joining of two flesh, two souls, it is very hard for me to understand how this could be good....or let's say God's will. Of course, right now I do not believe it is Gods will for us. However, since I now believe it is biblical, if I am to be obedient to Christ, I must be as open to it as I am to becoming a missionary to China.

We've spent a decent amount of time reading on these forums. It makes me feel a little better to see other believers who believe this. I actually talked to a friend and my mom about it yesterday. It was good because I quickly saw they did not have solid biblical reasoning against it, just like I didn't.
I have not seen this aspect of oneness discussed and am curious what others think. It is simply something the wife would be called to sacrifice? I do see the benefits, and perhaps a wife has to see those so much so she is willing to sacrifice her complete oneness with her husband.

Shalom
I totally understand what you feel. I have been with my husband for 36 years. We started dating in 7th grade got married in 11th grade. He has always wanted another wife. Me no way. But about 2 years ago Hashem (God) brought us a sister wife and I feel in love with her. It was hard knowing I had to share some of my time with her. But our husband is a sweet heart. He had heart surgery November 2018. So of course he has a teddy bear lol. I sleep with it on my nights alone due to I smell his scent. And the night that is my night I give to her. It was still very hard. But we all had to talk to help each of us with these feelings. Also we spend time together. We set outside in swings and talk. We go places together and we have date nights just all 3 or each separate with him and we have girls dates without him. So you have to pray Hashem sends you someone to become your best friend to be able to live together in a plural marriage. Also just to let you know we all live together in the same house. Different rooms but same house. So husband has assets to us to have breakfast and supper time with us all. He also text me all day as he does her. So as my husband has said to me. The 2nd wife is not a replacement but an add to. I pray this helps email me anytime

 

[Tirtza]

A

My husband and I have been studying the subject for the past 9 months. Its been incredibly shocking, hard and painful for me. However, I love the truth and God's word and cannot help but see that it is a God approved marriage.
We've been married for over 13 years, and have always had an amazing marriage. We have weathered some pretty intense storms together, almost all external and not specific marriage issues. My husband has always been an amazing godly husband (thought wow, this subject has made him step up in a way he never has before. For that I'm thankful).
However, this subject has rocked me to my core. The idea of him loving another woman has been devastating to me. Over time, it feels less so as we've had many, many very long conversations. He hasn't nor is he pushing me into anything. Yet...from day one of this conversation the fear that he now has the freedom to look elsewhere is very hard for me.
It has been sanctifying for me. Deeply. I've realized my idolatry of myself. Yes, the idea makes me jealous for my husband. But I guess it's a jealousy of all of his affection. I want him to be so in love with me, he would never look or think to look elsewhere, I want him to find all his satisfaction in me alone, all his desire, love, etc. And I've been convicted that what I am actually desiring is what is meant for Christ alone. In this way, I'm thankful for this journey. In my head I see myself as a unfinished statue being chipped away by the Master. And it hurts. But I know He is good. And I know I am satisfied fully when I live my life in full submission the Him.

My two biggest struggles right now are a) intimacy. Sex yes, but really, the idea of my husband loving another woman the way he does me is horrifying. Not sure I'll ever get past that.
2) oneness.
When we have talked about what this would look like practically in our lives, I cannot get around the fact that I, as the first wife would lose my oneness with my husband. Our relationship is one of completely open communication. We love talk and discuss everything. We text on and off throughout the day. We share things we're reading about, learning about, relationships with others, children, etc... everything. For another woman to be in the picture would mean I would lose at least some of that. In a Picture perfect scenario, me and the other wife would be best friends and all three of us would love to talk and spend all this time together etc. But EVEN then. On the evenings he is with her, I don't get to be involved in his life, nor him mine. We don't get to wake up together and hug, talk about the start of our day, be with our children together.
When we talk about this, he agrees. I would be the loser in the situation because of this. Since marriage is the union of a man and a woman, the joining of two flesh, two souls, it is very hard for me to understand how this could be good....or let's say God's will. Of course, right now I do not believe it is Gods will for us. However, since I now believe it is biblical, if I am to be obedient to Christ, I must be as open to it as I am to becoming a missionary to China.

We've spent a decent amount of time reading on these forums. It makes me feel a little better to see other believers who believe this. I actually talked to a friend and my mom about it yesterday. It was good because I quickly saw they did not have solid biblical reasoning against it, just like I didn't.
I have not seen this aspect of oneness discussed and am curious what others think. It is simply something the wife would be called to sacrifice? I do see the benefits, and perhaps a wife has to see those so much so she is willing to sacrifice her complete oneness with her husband.

Also look up the book love times three. It will help alot