I regret asking the question. I don't think I meant for the discussion to go into that subject in the way it did. I think the question was born out of a feeling that this lifestyle is somewhat of a fantasy. I know there are those living it. But they seem very few and far between. Then there are so many stories of things blowing up and marriages falling apart. It seems such a big call to ask a first wife to sacrifice in such a way, for a 2nd wife to also be so self sacrificing and then of course for the husband to be also. Obviously, that's the call on all believers lives. This just seems more intense, a step above from what the majority of believers live.
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Oneness
- Thread starter Mbhs
- Start date
I hear you
If I’m honest what you are saying I worry about these things too
I’ve been with my wife 25 years and we have the best relationship
How do you go forward with change but stay the same?
I would not want to have a separate house and split my time (no thank you)
I love my life as it is however not growing and changing is not a real option it never happens
I also see the possibility of more
The advantages I see are in her having a friend that is as invested in our family as we are
Maybe it’s wishful thinking
But then if your husband is as fussy as I am and coupled with the low probability of finding someone open to the idea then sister wife may never happen.
I would also argue We have benefited from the knowledge of biblical polygamy and we have had many discussions when we see situations where this would serve better than the mono only.
So we are better off
Might I suggest , relax and trust God
If I’m honest what you are saying I worry about these things too
I’ve been with my wife 25 years and we have the best relationship
How do you go forward with change but stay the same?
I would not want to have a separate house and split my time (no thank you)
I love my life as it is however not growing and changing is not a real option it never happens
I also see the possibility of more
The advantages I see are in her having a friend that is as invested in our family as we are
Maybe it’s wishful thinking
But then if your husband is as fussy as I am and coupled with the low probability of finding someone open to the idea then sister wife may never happen.
I would also argue We have benefited from the knowledge of biblical polygamy and we have had many discussions when we see situations where this would serve better than the mono only.
So we are better off
Might I suggest , relax and trust God
Pretty much, and it can be a very large step.
I agree.
If we look at history, that would seem to have been the usual situation with most marriages being monogamous. However, it is probably more difficult to be polygynous now because of the monogamy-only indoctrination of most of society. Contemporary Christianity is blinded to the truth of biblical marriage and families; to what God says in His word.
I think it's important we also keep in mind that the God of the Bible presents Himself as polygynous, yet even His wives weren't/aren't such great examples for wives today! We misrepresent Him when we speak against polygyny or accuse those who practice it of being in sin. Yes it's challenging but it's not wrong. Shalom
A man in a Facebook group shared that he has fallen in love within two weeks with another woman. Another man with multiple wives commented and gave the advice to keep his first wife informed, but not to share details of his feelings for this new woman.
This is exactly it. I think that is probably good advice. However, it means there is now a part of the husband's heart the wife doesn't have access to or understand. And thus, a separating of the oneness had with the wife (of course I don't know their relationship, but I'm placing myself in the situation).
A husband and one wife of 50 years, if healthy, will be much more one than a man with 2+ wives of 50 years. It seems there's no real way around this. So for a wife and her husband, they must decide if losing some of that union is worth it. It's hard to imagine why it would be, though I am sure there are cases and circumstances that would make it so.
This is exactly it. I think that is probably good advice. However, it means there is now a part of the husband's heart the wife doesn't have access to or understand. And thus, a separating of the oneness had with the wife (of course I don't know their relationship, but I'm placing myself in the situation).
A husband and one wife of 50 years, if healthy, will be much more one than a man with 2+ wives of 50 years. It seems there's no real way around this. So for a wife and her husband, they must decide if losing some of that union is worth it. It's hard to imagine why it would be, though I am sure there are cases and circumstances that would make it so.
I disagree.
Details of intimacy are private to each relationship, but not that he has strong feelings for her.
Of course, rubbing it in his first wife’s face about how enamored he is with the new woman is less than intelligent.
Your focus keeps coming back to what you will lose if you guys choose to share your lives with another woman. If you have children, did you go through this thought process before you allowed yourself to get pregnant?
Sharing always involves having less of some things than one had before, but the cumulative whole can exceed what would be available without sharing. Will it? There is no guarantee, but a focus on what one had/should have will have a negative effect on the outcome.
Polygyny is a high-wire act and many fall due to imbalance.
If Yah isn’t the center of one’s life and everything done in His will, it’s best to not try this at home.
I would disagree. The children analogy is a good one. You don’t have less of a relationship with your children because you have more than one. Also, what is the purpose of a marriage? Is it simply to experience intense feelings as much as possible? If that’s the measure of a measure, how much of the time we’re experiencing intense feelings for each other, then most marriages fail the test. When the feelings wan do you end the marriage. Intense feelings wax and wan. Likewise if an intense intimacy is the measure of a marriage then there are a lot of relationships that don’t have any other similarities to marriage that are still great marriages. I shared an intense platonic intimacy with men in the Marines Corps who didn’t even like me. They knew for only months in some cases and know things about me that I’ve forgotten about myself. Is your marriage judged by those standards?
N
Not sure where you get the idea I think marriage is about intense feelings. I've been married 13 years, I understand the ups and downs of emotions.
Not sure where you get the idea I think marriage is about intense feelings. I've been married 13 years, I understand the ups and downs of emotions.
That reminds me of that scene in Dances with Wolves when he is spending the night in the tp and his indian buddy is going at it with his wife and he looks over, and the Indian looks back at him as if to say "What are you looking at? This is perfectly normal."
This scene was brought up to me when I was discussing polygamy with a single woman and she was indicating that she was ok with sharing a bed. Alas, it did not work out for other reasons.
Have you seen the movie "The Substitute Wife (1994)"
I think the movie clearly shows that the wife gained far more than she lost, but I would further claim that she really did not lose anything worth keeping.
It is fiction of course, but it may open up your mind to the possible.
I think the movie clearly shows that the wife gained far more than she lost, but I would further claim that she really did not lose anything worth keeping.
It is fiction of course, but it may open up your mind to the possible.
In a way it kinda of is, but probably not in the way you think. There are many people who would love to have a second wife, but a second wife that is a blessing and an asset to your family is not easy to find and many couples never find one. So your fears, though normal and common, are probably pre-mature, if not unfounded (unless you or your husband already has someone in mind).
Likely over time your heart will change and you will want God to bless your family and you will want your household to grow and yet still no one arrives. So in that sense it is certainly a fantasy.
However, let me be clear. You are right about one thing. If you do find someone, it will be a harder than monogamy. Way harder. No one who has done it, even successfully, says that it is easier. It is just polygamists think the effort is worth the blessing.
All true. Polygamy is rare and it does cause marriages to blow up. If you try to live it, you will be tested, probably more than you ever have in your life.
Bullseye! Everyone involved will have to sacrifice to make it work.
And you are also correct in that selflessness is really a call for all Christians.
You are also correct in that it is a step above what the majority of Christians have to do. They can look very Christian and still be very selfish internally. Trying to live polygamy will find you out!
So it appears that God may be calling you to something more? Are you ready for that? Is that what you want? The reward is a closer relationship with Christ.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever,” (Psalm 73:26).
You will learn that your husband is not your portion. It is God himself.
I do not know if I believe this. Any relationship the lasts 50 years is going to have a whole lot of "oneness", in any case more than most relationships.
For example, I think the guy with 2 wives @ 50 years will have more "oneness" with each wife than the guy with 1 wife @ 25 years. So it is not like it is halved with two wives.
It is not zero-sum. There is enough love for everyone. Love should be like a well that never grows dry.
I am not sure if I believe this. I think one can understand without complete access to all of the details. You understand that your parents love each other without access to the details. Why would it be hard to understand that your husband loves another woman and that it does not mean that he loves you less? And if you had trouble understanding it then reading things like "Dr. Zhivago" might help. A man loving more than one woman is not an uncommon occurance. Only marrying them both is was what is uncommon.
As far as complete access to your husbands mind, first of all I doubt you really have this, even if you think you do. Everyone has dark recesses that they are hiding or at least blurring. If you do think you know EVERYTHING about your spouse, I think it is probably an illusion. People are too complex. There is always something new to learn about someone.
You might actually learn NEW things about your husband that you did not realize that were there before, some of those things from talking to your sister wife. And God will be working on your husband, just like he is working on you, and you will get to learn what he is doing in your husbands life and your husband has to step up and handle the increased load of responsibilty. Some wives find that very exciting.
I really appreciate of this. Yes, I'm learning and being reminded again that the Lord is my portion and not my husband.
My husband has mentioned someone, so yes, it has made it very real to think about.
Shoot, there is plenty inside of my head that I am not cognizant of until it comes in connection to something else. It may be part of being male.
Very true, sir! Very true!
I am very glad you found it helpful.
I can certainly see why that would be scary, but it is also kind of exciting. Still a long way to go to until it is a reality.
That leads to lots of questions like, "What do you think of her?", and "Does she have any idea?", etc. But I do not want to bombard you with a lot of stuff that you may not want to talk about.
I hope you stick around so we here the whole story of what happens in the future. In any case, God bless you and your family!
That was my first thought also. In fact, the advice my grandfather gave me when I got married was to NOT tell my wife everything. His illustration being, when you come in from going around the farm, don't tell her about how many dead sheep you found, tell her something positive. She has enough worries in her own responsibilities that she doesn't need to have all your worries also. Worries are something deeper than just in the mind, we'd say they're in the heart, nevertheless a prudent man doesn't share every one of them with his wife.
There will certainly be things in your husband's mind, even heart, that you don't understand. That's ok, and it doesn't change your oneness with him.
Do you really believe that it is the polygamy that causes the marriage to blow up, or is it unresolved attitudes towards polygamy, that cause the marriage to fail? I might also argue that in some cases (Hagar comes to mind) the failure happens in the selection process.
@Mbhs- As a fellow first wife, I understand your thoughts, feelings and fears. 9 months in, you are still learning and processing. I’m several years into knowing about this, and I still struggle in areas. Somethings get easier over time, others come up as the new phases begin and cause a crash emotionally until you work through them. Just know you aren’t alone.