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Meat Patriarchal wannabe catfishers

steve

steve

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Male
I may step on a few toes, but that’s just the way that I dance.

Some guys (none of us, I am sure!) seem to be serial courters. They look to have serious intentions, but they always find some reason to not close the deal. They lead women on, giving them hope. Leaving them disappointed.

I am writing this for two reasons.
1). I want women to know that this does happen. I wish that it didn’t, but it does. Men wouldn’t call it catfishing, but I do.
2). I want males to realize that this is a thing and that some of us don’t like watching it happen. Probably the perps don’t even recognize themselves, but maybe this thread could be a mirror for them to reflect in.

I would encourage any women that feel that they have experienced this to add a personal observation.
 
OK, @steve, I'll bite (pun intended): given that it could be a useful learning exercise for others, given that I fall into the category of men who don't think they're catfishing in the serial-courting-but-never-making-it-down-the-aisle category, and given that I do, though, wonder if this is how you view me in particular, I'm offering myself up as a potentially not-hypothetical example of what you're describing.

I give you full permission to out me, because seeing myself through the eyes of others, while often uncomfortable and/or painful, is most surely one of the best ways to experience enough insight to be able to make substantive personal change.

I do, though, ask that you change the names of those you might think I've harmed in order to protect their privacy and reputations.

I'm not trying to be a martyr; I really do think you have identified something that we need to learn to address, so anything I can do to be helpful I will count as well worth any embarrassment that might come my way. What's the worst that can happen? That I become so ashamed that I slink away into the night sky, never to return? I'm sure I could survive that, and it would still have had the potential to have been very useful to others.

So go for it, and don't beat around the bush.
 
No, my brother, I don’t have any intel about you being nefarious.

Keith Martin said:
What's the worst that can happen? That I become so ashamed that I slink away into the night sky, never to return?
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Wait.......slink away into the night sky????
Is there something that I need to know about you?!?!
 
So in our poly context, do you think a lot of this comes down to men who are eager for another women, who are flirting with the idea of this, but can't get their wife on board or don't have the guts to upturn their lives to make it happen?

Or do you think it is more just typical attention and validation seeking?
 
rockfox said:
So in our poly context, do you think a lot of this comes down to men who are eager for another women, who are flirting with the idea of this, but can't get their wife on board or don't have the guts to upturn their lives to make it happen?

Or do you think it is more just typical attention and validation seeking?
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The only one that I have specifically in mind seems to be the not having the guts to upturn their life kind.
I know that there are others out there, but it’ll take the testimonies of the fairer sex to put it on the table.

Then again, maybe none of the ladies in our circle have had the unhappy experience.
 
I am very interested in what you've actually observed here Steve. As I've said elsewhere, I struggle to know how any man finds the time to be a "serial courter". I'm just too busy with my life to spend a good chunk of it chasing women. I have long had a strong suspicion that the unsuitable men do the bulk of the approaching of women, while the suitable men are busy living life waiting for the right woman to turn up.

If so, this is a serious problem statistically. Let's assume that half the men are "suitable" - decent themselves, and with families at least somewhat prepared for polygamy. And let's assume that the "suitable" men approach 0-1 women in a period of time, but the "unsuitable" approach 4 in the same time period. This would mean that for every woman being approached by a man, there's an 80-100% chance he's unsuitable, and only 0-20% chance he's suitable. And that's assuming half the men are suitable, which is probably very generous. Disclaimer - I invented all of these numbers as I have no data to base any of this on, I'm illustrating a point.

So if this is going on, it is a serious problem for not only women looking for husbands, but for decent men looking for a wife. Because there's a good chance the good women will be put off by multiple bad interactions with unsuitable men, and give up on polygamy before they ever meet a decent one - even if there are many decent men out there.

Having said that, a bigger problem is those men who actually "close the deal" but shouldn't have. If people are backing out at the last minute because their family was never ready in the first place, that is no doubt painful all around and problematic for everyone, but at least it's better than leading a woman all the way into a disaster.
 
Women, if that is going on, the best way to not get caught by it is to do the approaching yourself. Don't advertise that you're available and then talk to the men that approach you. Rather, seek out decent men and approach them yourself. If you're unclear if the man is decent, ask someone else who knows them first.
This then puts the responsibility on the man to figure out if you're real. That's still an important step, but at least if you know you're real, and you know they're decent, then it's a minor formality rather than a massive worry.
 
FollowingHim said:
I am very interested in what you've actually observed here Steve.
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Only someone who was here quite a while ago.
But I do wonder if it hasn’t happened.

Outside of our community I have heard stories, sounds like many don’t have their wife on board.
FollowingHim said:
This would mean that for every woman being approached by a man, there's an 80-100% chance he's unsuitable, and only 0-20% chance he's suitable. And that's assuming half the men are suitable, which is probably very generous. Disclaimer - I invented all of these numbers as I have no data to base any of this on, I'm illustrating a point.
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I hadn’t looked at it that way, it certainly makes a lot of sense.
It would be interesting to know how many people contact the new single girls in the first few days.
 
FollowingHim said:
Women, if that is going on, the best way to not get caught by it is to do the approaching yourself. Don't advertise that you're available and then talk to the men that approach you. Rather, seek out decent men and approach them yourself. If you're unclear if the man is decent, ask someone else who knows them first.
This then puts the responsibility on the man to figure out if you're real. That's still an important step, but at least if you know you're real, and you know they're decent, then it's a minor formality rather than a massive worry.
Click to expand...
I would love the opportunity to do this. But there are so many factors. I see Godly men with one wife, there is no way to know if they believe in this biblical lifestyle. Secondly, I believe it is important to make a connection to the present wife first or at the same time. I am on the hunt for a group here in NYC that believes the same as I.
 
JoyNow said:
I would love the opportunity to do this. But there are so many factors. I see Godly men with one wife, there is no way to know if they believe in this biblical lifestyle. Secondly, I believe it is important to make a connection to the present wife first or at the same time. I am on the hunt for a group here in NYC that believes the same as I.
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Maybe the best approach is to do just that. Befriend the family especially the first wife and see where God leads you from there.
 
I was actually approached by someone who wanted a second wife but told me that she would live in a basement apartment of his country home where he and his first wife would only visit on weekends.

I did appreciate that he was open and honest about the circumstances he was offering, but I got the distinct impression that his wife wasn't so happy about the idea of a plural marriage. It seemed like he was being allowed a weekend fling.
 
Lili said:
I was actually approached by someone who wanted a second wife but told me that she would live in a basement apartment of his country home where he and his first wife would only visit on weekends.

I did appreciate that he was open and honest about the circumstances he was offering, but I got the distinct impression that his wife wasn't so happy about the idea of a plural marriage. It seemed like he was being allowed a weekend fling.
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That is very interesting, and actually similar to a situation that I am aware of.
It seems that some wives are open to a mistress situation but not to actual second wives.
 
Lili said:
I was actually approached by someone who wanted a second wife but told me that she would live in a basement apartment of his country home where he and his first wife would only visit on weekends.

I did appreciate that he was open and honest about the circumstances he was offering, but I got the distinct impression that his wife wasn't so happy about the idea of a plural marriage. It seemed like he was being allowed a weekend fling.
Click to expand...
Yeah that sounds like a very shaky proposition to me.
 
Slumberfreeze said:
Where were you when you learned that Keith was actually a lovecraftian horror?
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I had no idea that he was so famous.
The things that you learn about people that you thought you knew!:eek:
 
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