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Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not fin

cdonport

cdonport

New Member
Ok.... I've been a lurker for a loooooong time.... but it's time for me to finally ask some questions....

My husband and I officially became a biblical family in July of this year. We met a girl and things happened really fast. I felt that God was moving things because I had been praying for us to find someone.... ( We waited 4 years to finally open this door) Well, the girl that was sent to our lives, ended up being separated from her husband. But here is the kicker- her husband was in Jail.... :? ( Trust me we were shocked- she is a sweet Christian woman- attends church... deeply loves God...) So, she said for that reason, she felt bad offering the divorce papers to him there. My husband and I were surprised by all of this and didn't know how to handle it from that point forward. My husband didn't want to live in sin by living with another mans wife but she claimed that the marriage was over- just not by paperwork.

Ultimately, my husband couldn't handle the guilt and ended things. But, sometimes I wonder was this right? We all felt that God had brought us together and things felt right- but - it wasn't right because by paper she was married.... do you think we did the right thing by ending it. Also, now the hard part is she still contacts and wants us all to remain friends until her divorce is final but my husband doesn't even want that. He says it's pointless and thinks that by remaining friends it encourages her to get a divorce when the best thing for her might be to try to work it out with her husband.... I'm so confused? Any advice....
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Hi cdonport.

So the lady in question did not reveal upfront that she had a husband and was not divorced? If yes, that would be terminal for me.

If no, and she had been upfront, then I trust your husband's instinct and would take a wide berth of the whole thing until there was a divorce. And even then, I would be cautious, as I would be uncertain as to whether the lady's husband willingly consented to the divorce.

All the best,

ylop
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

The fact that she was not up front about her marital situation is not in her favor, true. The fact of a legal/paper divorce not existing is not nearly so troublesome to me as the fact of her deception.

Neither is the fact that she feels bad for him and doesn't want to serve divorce papers while he's inside. If the reason they were apart was a valid reason for divorce, such as his violence towards her, I would not expect her to be so sensitive to his feelings.

Nonetheless, I am reluctant to sit in judgment with so few facts.

Does your husband understand that the paper is simply a government institution, not a Biblical issue? How long were she and her legal husband apart? What is the reason for their separation?

There are many factors which could be at play here. It is possible that this situation is salvagable. But also possible that it is not. Not enough information.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

I want to add on what Cecil stated. When a couple decides that they want to have a ploygamist marriage you have to understand that there are women out there who want to be a part of a family but fail to deal with certain issues in their lives. I have visited a lot of polygamist sites where you have women looking for families who are not divorced or still attached to the ex-husband. In my opinion, the people that do this are not really letting God lead them in their decision. We can't jump into another marriage if we are still attached to one. Deception is never good when it comes to any decisions that involves a family.
More people get hurt and this means kids as well. I hope that your husband takes the time to truly learn everything he can about the person he is wanting to bring into his family. Continue to pray and ask God to take charge of this decision and let him bring you the right fit for your family. Talk to Biblical Families members because a lot of the families have been searching for a long time and we are one of them, for the right fit. I recently added a second but we have been on this journey for over two years now. Take your time and let God work a miracle in your lives.

God Bless

The Hunt Family
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Thank you all for commenting and giving advice. She initially said that they were divorced in Gods eyes due to what he did to her ( bad treatment, adultery, abandonment.) She didn't find out about a lot of the cheating until he was in prison and other women came forward who had children by him. This was news to her and therefore she emotionally and spiritually divorced him. He's been in prison for 3 years I believe, and we met her this past year. They haven't seen each other in two years. We tried to be understanding but it started to weigh on my husbands heart. He began to feel like we were living in sin by him engaging with another mans wife - which I completely understand. For now, her and I mostly text every now and then as I let things fizzle off. My husband however really wont communicate. She is heart broken and I feel bad about it but dont know what to do. We really dont talk about it much anymore but sometimes, when I do think of it, it hurts my heart. I grew close to her as well.

I want to still stay friends with her, but I wonder a lot if maybe God wants it this way- meaning the three of us to part.... I keep praying and asking for guidance but for now I hear mostly silence on this issue. Maybe that's because it's up to my husband to take this one to God because it would have been his marriage and not my own. Right now, he wants to part from it based on the circumstance so really- I guess there isn't much I can do but follow him. Maybe I just answered my own question? :roll:
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

I would encourage your husband to participate in the forums here as well. There are at least two men on this forum that have gone through similar experiences, and your husband could benefit not only from their insight, but also from their fellowship as well.

If we have learned anything here at Biblical Families, if you try to work through this alone, you are in for some tough times. It is good to communicate with others, to find answers to common problems, but also to have a network of friends that KNOWS what you are going through.

We have a retreat coming up in a couple of weeks in Florida over New Year's weekend. It would be great if you guys could come down from Atlanta, even if just for a day. It will do wonders for your confidence, and you will find us pretty friendly folks. Just click on resources at the top of the page, and scroll down to retreats for more info. Or email staff@biblicalfamilies.org, and let us know that you are coming.

If you do decide to come, I will give you fair warning. I'm a hugger! :D

Doc
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

I will talk to my husband about joining- I've told him about the retreats so hopefully one day we will be able to attend.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

cdonport said:
Ultimately, my husband couldn't handle the guilt and ended things. But, sometimes I wonder was this right? We all felt that God had brought us together and things felt right- but - it wasn't right because by paper she was married.... do you think we did the right thing by ending it. Also, now the hard part is she still contacts and wants us all to remain friends until her divorce is final but my husband doesn't even want that. He says it's pointless and thinks that by remaining friends it encourages her to get a divorce when the best thing for her might be to try to work it out with her husband.... I'm so confused? Any advice....
Click to expand...

IMHO, your husband's response was appropriate under the circumstances given.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

OK, I admit it, this thread has been troubling me a lot.

I will start off by saying, THANK YOU FOR SHARING, I really appreciate it. I hope to learn from your situation. And my analysis below is to clarify my own thoughts and possibly help others.

Now admittedly I do not have the full story; and also I am not the font of all revealed truth, however this is how I read it:

1. Husband 2 (H2) meets new woman (NW).
2. NW reveals she is separated from her husband (H1) and 'divorced in God's eyes'.
3. H2 and NW 'become a biblical family' and consummate the relationship.
4. H2 finds out more about the relationship between NW and H2 and is troubled.
5. H2 terminates the relationship with NW.

This is what bothers me:
A. I do not think there has been a valid Biblical divorce from H1.
B. In that case H2 has committed adultery.
C. Alternatively, lets assume there was a valid Biblical divorce from H1.
D. In the second scenario, H2 has now also divorced NW; who is now a twice-divorced woman.
E. Neither of these scenarios is good for anyone involved, or for the Biblical Family movement.
F. The impression given to the broader public is that of either wife-snatching or of casual relationships.
G. What if a child was conceived?
H. Although I am not in favour of hierarchy, authorities or rules; I can see here what happened when "everyone did what was right in their own eyes" (Judges 21:25).

ylop
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Ylop,

I want to thank you for posting this because originally I read the OP as a engagement, courting situation, having read some newer posts, I realise that this was not actually the case and it also, leaves me with unease. It does seem an example of bad behaviour, especially on the part of the husband in regards to abandoning a woman he has taken to wife. I can't make any religious claims but personally, this was very, bad behaviour and I certainly do not think the OP should be encouraging her husband to seek again when he was so careless with the last one, these are real people, not toys to be picked up and tossed aside when things get uncomfortable. It was shameful behaviour.

B
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

I think sometimes we look at the end result and try to figure out if what we did was right instead of looking at how it started and realizing that we entered into it improperly. I speak from experience when I say that I have seen people enter into poly situations in the blink of an eye, not taking time and being patient, not having any outside counseling from other poly people, not introducing the new member of the family to anyone that can give an honest and unbiased evaluation of the situation. And most times if you make a comment about them moving too fast or anything like that, they get really angry. REALLY angry and offended.

Then six weeks later the family is split up. :?

Here is the deal. If you wouldn't enter into a monogamous relationship in a certain way, you can't enter into a POLY relationship in that same way. IF you were a single woman, would you meet a single man online, chat it up for a month or two, then MOVE your entire existence hundreds or even thousands of miles to move in with him to "see what happens", having never actually met him in real life before? Sounds crazy right? But people do it in the poly world.

Would you meet a girl in your home town and hear that she is divorced "biblically" and still move her in and start living as husband and wife in a matter of weeks? You might, but I sure wouldn't. And your family and friends would tell you that they are concerned if you told them what you were doing, and this is a monogamy example. Rightly so. But in the poly world, since you can't just talk it up like it is normal with friends and family, you assume that you should just give it a shot? No WAY.

If it sounds crazy and sounds like it is foolish to do in a mono setting, then multiply it a hundred fold, and that is how unwise it is to do it in a poly setting.

I will say it again; if you don't do it for monogamy because it would be unwise, DON'T do it for poly, it is exponentially unwise. And NOBODY should enter into poly relationships without seeking counsel from others in the poly community, they can be the voice of reason to you and yours. Even if those advisers are not living poly, they can still call it like it is and keep you level headed when you want to jump in with both feet.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Paul, I wish that there was a way to *LIKE* posts on here....that was awesome!

Doc
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Paul not the apostle said:
Here is the deal. If you wouldn't enter into a monogamous relationship in a certain way, you can't enter into a POLY relationship in that same way. IF you were a single woman, would you meet a single man online, chat it up for a month or two, then MOVE your entire existence hundreds or even thousands of miles to move in with him to "see what happens", having never actually met him in real life before? Sounds crazy right? But people do it in the poly world.
Click to expand...

IMHO, so many people in poly world have made living polygyny the goal. They are so intent on being polygynous that they suspend most if not all rational thought. To quote Pastor John Whitten "When polygyny is the main event, the whole show will flop".
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Everyones right... we DID jump in to soon. But everyone had good intentions... know one wanted to seek counsel from outside. We were going by what we thought was right and by God leading us. It created a messy situation and maybe now you can all understand why I said it is troubling me. We are not a perfect family and God is working with us daily and we make many mistakes.

Now, it's created the situation that is has- and there is no right way to fix it! I have to follow my husbands lead, and he says they can't be together if the divorce isn't finalized. He feels that he was mislead and therefor entered the marriage under false pretenses. How do you handle that? Stay in the marriage and continue committing adultery or leave the marriage and pray to God that he knows your heart. The fact is, she is married. The fact is, her husband is in prison. The fact is he is getting out of prison this month after 4 years and now she will have the opportunity to divorce him if that's what she really wants to do.

What some people seem to forget is even though we have the best intentions of inviting someone into our marriage, YOU NEVER TRULY KNOW THE INTENT OF SOMEONE ELSE. What if she just needed support while her husband was away... with no intention of ever really divorcing him. Where does that leave us????? Now, who becomes the victim?

ALSO, please note this is our FIRST TIME EXPERIENCE. I will not let it scare me from a next time but some of the harsh judgments from you ladies really hurt me. We are new to this and that is why I finally wrote after being a lurker for a year. I WAS AFRAID OF BEING JUDGED. We are not perfect? Are you?????

******* ALSO I SHOULD NOTE***** My husband and I knew each other for only a few months before we were married. We have been together 10 years now. That could maybe explain our optimism when we thought it happened again. We don't judge people who do that because we felt a connection immediately and we have had a beautiful 10 years together.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Isabella said:
Ylop,

I want to thank you for posting this because originally I read the OP as a engagement, courting situation, having read some newer posts, I realise that this was not actually the case and it also, leaves me with unease. It does seem an example of bad behaviour, especially on the part of the husband in regards to abandoning a woman he has taken to wife. I can't make any religious claims but personally, this was very, bad behaviour and I certainly do not think the OP should be encouraging her husband to seek again when he was so careless with the last one, these are real people, not toys to be picked up and tossed aside when things get uncomfortable. It was shameful behaviour.

B
Click to expand...


My husband and I have been speaking of doing this for over 5 years now. From the moment we first began to pray about it, we waited until this past year to finally try. We had no support, no examples, no way of knowing. We didn't do anything with the intent of using someone as a toy. We were mislead as well..... your accusations are very judgmental when God calls us to love all, and not to judge others if you yourself do not want to be judged. What could help is some advice and counsel. We know that God is the center of our lives but we are flesh and therefor make mistakes. Next time, a multitude of things would be different. Our biggest mistake was going in with too much optimism. My husband has learned a lot from this. But it is very hard to ask a man to ask others for advice... he is learning and growing as well.... and he is a great man with a really big heart . This has been a roller coaster ride for both of us.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

I am not of your faith cdonport and I personally believe sometimes we need to judge bad behaviour or else, how else are we to distinguish between what is good and what is bad. Now, I am not judging you for rushing, I am not judging you for not asking for advice, doing your research or any number of silly mistakes people make when they get overly goal orientated (notice, it was someone else who pointed that out, I am quite surprised you respond personally only to me.

I am simply judging your husband by his act of using and then discarding a woman. This doesn't seem very Christian if you ask me. Now you say she misrepresented but personally, I feel that is a convenient excuse to absolve him from the guilt of taking and abandoning a woman who cared about him. Not only that, I think it is shameful of you to claim now that she probably just wanted taking care of. This is a cycle of re-writing of history that places blame squaring on the dismissed wife, leaving you free to start dreaming of the perfect sister/second wife all over again.

I just think it is a crying shame is all, I am sorry you feel judged but as an unmarried woman, I find your attitude irresponsible and I don't think that is good for the Polygamy movement.

Bels
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Thanks Isabel. It seems like this is a hostile place for a fellow christian to enter this lifestyle who needs help and support. You've really made me feel low and bad about myself today and I do not need to log onto an online forum to feel that way. The reason I came to this forum is because we WERE making mistakes and needed HELP. BUT all I'm feeling is judged and bad. By the way, I am still friends with her, we still say I love you to each other. We ALL AGREED TOGETHER that we moved TOO FAST and that she would move out and handle her divorce the proper way and then see if we can all come back together.

I'm so happy that you are a perfect woman in Christ. I am still working towards that daily.

I will not be writing on the biblical family website again.

Thanks ladies!!! For all the love and support.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

cdonport said:
Thanks Isabel. It seems like this is a hostile place for a fellow christian to enter this lifestyle who needs help and support. You've really made me feel low and bad about myself today and I do not need to log onto an online forum to feel that way. The reason I came to this forum is because we WERE making mistakes and needed HELP. BUT all I'm feeling is judged and bad. By the way, I am still friends with her, we still say I love you to each other. We ALL AGREED TOGETHER that we moved TOO FAST and that she would move out and handle her divorce the proper way and then see if we can all come back together.

I'm so happy that you are a perfect woman in Christ. I am still working towards that daily.

I will not be writing on the biblical family website again.

Thanks ladies!!! For all the love and support.
Click to expand...

Okay now....hold on here! Isabella and I disagree a lot but I think you may have misunderstood her. I don't think anyone was trying to make you "feel low and bad" about yourself! Sometimes offering help takes the form of very open honesty. I reread all the posts and there weren't any that were unfair or crossed any lines. People were sharing their thoughts and opinions...and several gave you some good advice. Please try and be open to what people have to say to you....that doesn't mean you have to agree...just be willing to listen and consider the advice you get. Several people here have been through similar situations. Peace
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Thank you Fairlight, you are right, it is not my intention for anyone to feel unsupported (and I feel the first few posts on this thread were very supportive) but given the follow up posts on this thread and some other posts made by the OP. I felt it important to point out that being brutally honest and self analytical about a failed relationship goes a long way to prevent making the same mistakes over and over.
When it comes to relationships, especially when there are children involved, don't you think it is a little more important to take the hit now, so you will not get into similar situations again, how painful for all involved adults AND children?
We have a responsibility to children especially not to be irresponsible and if we are, and if people tell us we have been, than the least we can do is be adult, suck it up and think about what "we" did wrong, not 'what someone else did to us which means it is not our fault really and besides next time when we have different sleeping arrangements won't everything be swell.......'.

B
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

cdonport,

One thing that is needed here is for your husband to talk with another man. Men DO need that, too.

Some of us, me among them, can relate very closely to the situation in which y'all find yourselves. Please call.
 
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