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Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not fin

Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

ylop said:
I will start off by saying, THANK YOU FOR SHARING, I really appreciate it. I hope to learn from your situation. And my analysis below is to clarify my own thoughts and possibly help others.
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Hi again cdonport.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING.

It is through sharing our experiences that we all learn to navigate in largely uncharted waters.

Please perservere with Biblical Families.

I would like to see your situation work out well for all involved.

Best regards,

ylop
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

I apologize if I came across as rude or insensitive. The issue that prompted me to post is that when we have threads like this on the forum, others read them. As the OP stated, this is a ministry to support and help. So, tough love, truth, and reality. If we keep talking about X,Y,and Z without acknowledging that we went off the path at the A mark, then we are not being honest with ourselves, and not being supportive or instructional.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

And sometimes even when a thread is about a specific situation, we respond and post to the more general concepts and populations with our answers.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

cdonport said:
******* ALSO I SHOULD NOTE***** My husband and I knew each other for only a few months before we were married. We have been together 10 years now. That could maybe explain our optimism when we thought it happened again. We don't judge people who do that because we felt a connection immediately and we have had a beautiful 10 years together.
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I understand and this is the same experience in my marriage. Met, sparks, cohabitate quickly. Only in our case it is four children.

And we did have a situation at one point where we also told ourselves that we met quickly and it worked out so we allowed ourselves to drop our defenses as well in the poly world. Thank God it did not go as far as some other families, but we had people that I had made myself accountable to and had committed to keep them informed about what was happening, not as an approval or any type of authority, but just to be the voice of reason.

I will also admit that I was pretty angry when they were telling me that something was not right and I should rethink what I was doing. I eventually listened to them, and almost immediately the truth surfaced about the other party. Interesting.

FWIW, I believe that the mistake was at the beginning, but when your husband looked at everything rationally, he made the proper choice. IF it is not lawful for him to have her as a wife, he needs to NOT have her AS as wife. Kudos to him.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Paul not the apostle said:
when your husband looked at everything rationally, he made the proper choice. IF it is not lawful for him to have her as a wife, he needs to NOT have her AS as wife. Kudos to him
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Exactly!
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

I see a woman coming to your site for support in her decision to follow her husband's lead in crushing another woman's heart. Sometimes the legalism that I see on this site is even more ugly and insidious than the legalism that Yeshua hated in his day. Isabella, for a woman who claims to not be a Christian, I see more of Christ's love within you than I do in many of the other people who openly claim to be believers on this site. Never stop speaking your mind dear lady!
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Lysistrata said:
I see a woman coming to your site for support in her decision to follow her husband's lead in crushing another woman's heart. Sometimes the legalism that I see on this site is even more ugly and insidious than the legalism that Yeshua hated in his day. Isabella, for a woman who claims to not be a Christian, I see more of Christ's love within you than I do in many of the other people who openly claim to be believers on this site. Never stop speaking your mind dear lady!
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Just a couple of questions for you because I would like to make sure that I am understanding your post correctly.

When you read the original post, did you think the same thing as me regarding the woman, that she had pretended to be single when she was really married?

If a man brings a woman into his home to be his wife, and then finds out that she is married and lied about, do you believe that the man has to keep her as a wife and that he has no right to remove her from his life?

If a man told you he was single and you moved in with him and then found out he had another wife and family would you feel that it was your right to leave him because he had not been honest about his status?

Do you believe that it is ok for a married man or woman to live with and have sex with anyone other than their spouse?

Thanks for answering if you have the time. I want to make sure that I understand what your intention was before responding to your post. I would not want to have misinterpreted your intent.

Paul
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

If I may, Paul, we haven't heard the other woman's side of the story; why she felt herself morally divorced, if not yet legally, and free to remarry.

On this site, many of us believe that the government's piece of paper is NOT determinate in such things. So ... there does not seem to me to be enough information in evidence in this case to render just verdict. Only to comfort hurting hearts at this time. Of all involved.

My 2 cents.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

The situation reflected error on the part of a man who found a woman who had been abused and abandoned by another BAD husband. This man picked her up, offered love and security (and possibly sex) and then he kicked her out of his house like a bad dog who had pooped in his shoes. So yes, the woman didn't finalize the paperwork through the government... YET! Do you suppose that her love for her new husband is less because there is not a piece of paper in a county courthouse stating that she is divorced!

I wonder if this husband stood before the wife of his youth, a preacher, and a crowd and promised to love and cherish ONLY his wife? A great majority of ceremonies in this culture add a monogamy promise into the ceremony. Did he break that promise when he changed his mind and decided to take in a second wife? By all LEGAL rights his first wife can divorce him! Don't some situations deserve a little bit more consideration?

... let's remove the planks from our own eyes folks. :lol:

It is good and well for you folks to advocate taking second wives without giving her a LEGAL marriage certificate and security through the law... that is acceptable to you... but then if your second wife is displeasing to you... you all use something like a LACK of divorce certificate to throw her away! WOW... think people! Remove thy heads from the sand!!!
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

The one further thing I feel compelled to add is the idea that, whatever the errors in the creation of this family, I see no value gained by its present destruction.

I went back and re-read the whole thread, paying careful attention to what cdonport wrote. The new wife felt that she had plenty of reason to consider herself divorced from her first husband.

Whether rightly or wrongly, she wanted to handle the paperwork in a specific manner -- wait til her "ex" got out, then let him have it, when he could easily retaliate, rather than when he was in jail and she'd be relatively safe. (Women constantly amaze me!)

Yes, I am troubled by her lack of forthrightness in the beginning. There have been unpleasant surprises in both of my marriages that make me easily sympathetic to Mr cdonport's angst.

Having said that, he HAD promised (presumably) to love, honor and cherish her for better and for worse. I'm troubled that he reversed his word so easily. Why did he not simply say, "Well, then, let's get that technicality handled NOW, rather than waiting til he can come here and make a scene claiming rights to his wife!"?

I understand that he, too, was and presumably IS following his conscience, and that is admirable -- to a point. But ...

Our consciences sometimes need further training. That is an ongoing, life-long process and nothing to either reject nor be ashamed of. Sometimes it needs to be tightened up. Other times it needs to be loosened. God's Word tells us (Deu 12:32) to NEITHER add to nor take away from God's law. Neither is acceptable. Much is done in and by our various life training, including religious. That's why we study for ourselves.

Personally, this leaves me (at present and with current info) having to share the viewpoint that though there is trouble in how this marriage originated, tossing the new wife to the curb was not the thing to do. It only compounded the sum total of pain. Does anyone really think that she plans to go back to her previous husband? Or should? Instead, what she has received is another kick from a man, this time one to whom she had looked as a spiritual head as well. Where is Christ in that?

I REALLY want to throw my arms around ALL 3 of these people and say, "Let me take you to my Friend on the Cross. His blood washes away the sins and mistakes of your pasts. Now love each other well and faithfully forevermore! Oh! And straighten out the paperwork ASAP so Caesar at least knows what he does need to know, and the ex can't make any more trouble than can be helped."

Bottom line, I keep coming back to ... whatever the errors in the creation of this family, I see no value gained by its present destruction.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

I want to first say, thankfully, God knows our hearts. So the opinions of man are only that- opinions. Another thing, my husband did not " kick her to the curb" as a few have stated. We all sat down as adults and agreed that she should handle her divorce first because she did still have a husband- who wasn't aware that he was being left.

I did not want her to leave, but it was THEIR relationship. I had to let the two of them make the ultimate decision and I stood by them either way. At first, it was awkward to remain friends because feelings were too strong.... Now that things have cooled, we have decided to remain close.

She may ultimately decide that she still loves her legal husband and wants to stay with him. She acknowledged herself that sometimes she questions if she's doing the right thing in divorcing him. So my husband and her decided it was best to separate and let her decide if she wants to divorce her husband or come back to us and join our family.

I want her to come back. My husband would like her to come back. But until she chooses which direction she wants her life to go, all we can do it sit back and give her that freedom. She wasn't kicked out screaming she wanted to stay. She left understanding and stating that she had to make a decision and please remember- her husband has been in prison. They had a 12 year history . She has two paths she can take right now and she's admitted herself that she doesn't know which way she wants to go. Really, my husband had no choice but to agree to end things. Her legal husband is not even aware that his legal wife is planning on divorcing him. Its a sticky situation. There really is NO RIGHT OR WRONG.....It leaves all of us hurting.

The thing my husband did that hurt things worse, was tell her that he didn't want to remain in close contact. I understand now he said that because he was hurt. It was too painful for him to loose his wife and now become her friend. Wounds need time to heal. Now, he has retracted that statement. We all believe that if we keep our faith strong, and continue to love one another as Christ calls us to love, then God will set things right as HE sees fit. Thanks to the grace and love of our heavenly Father, we all sat down for a dinner last night. All we can do now is leave it in His hands.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

cdonport said:
We all sat down as adults and agreed that she should handle her divorce first because she did still have a husband- who wasn't aware that he was being left.
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And this is exactly what troubled many people who commented. This was very wrong.

cdonport said:
She may ultimately decide that she still loves her legal husband and wants to stay with him.
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Then she should be supported and encouraged in this. God hates divorce. Her relationship with your husband was premature to say the least.

cdonport said:
There really is NO RIGHT OR WRONG..
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Well actually there is.....

cdonport said:
please remember- her husband has been in prison.
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He's still her HUSBAND
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

cdonport said:
There really is NO RIGHT OR WRONG....
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I would have to respectfully disagree here.

To my overly-simplistic mind there are two explanations of what has happened, either:

1. Your husband committed adultery, or
2. Your husband took a wife, and then divorced her.

Of course there was confusion, possible deception, uncertainty, and I do not know the whole story.

However it is not a blameless situation that can be solved by a group hug.

It is a scenario that has been seen posted in these forums many times before, and probably will be seen again.

I think a root cause in most of the cases is a lack of due diligence by the husband; and the heart overruling the head.

ylop
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

The information continues, and the situation becomes increasingly clear ... (or is it 'tother way 'round?)
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

It seems that we are forming two groups here, one supporting the end of this situation, one saying that the man used and dumped a woman. I think there is some confusion regarding WHEN the man found out about the woman's previous marriage.

My understanding is that the man found out about the situation AFTER he had committed to her and moved her in as his wife.

It seems that others have the understanding that the man KNEW about the woman's marriage (either still in effect or not) BEFORE he moved her in and then changed his mind after the fact.

My posts were based on my understanding that the man did not know that she had been married previously, or that if she had that she and her husband both knew and agreed that they were not married anymore, regardless of a state license or state divorce.

If a man commits to a woman, he should be honorable and not put her away. That is my belief. I in no way support getting rid of woman after committing to them and I wanted to make that clear.

However, I do believe that at the time that a man commits, if the woman did not tell him that there is a man out there that she was married to and that other man has no idea that she is divorcing him, that the new man has every right to believe that he has entered into a contract or relationship under false pretenses, and then question whether he is living according to God's Law and then act accordingly.

It seems that we as members are both correct, and that we are answering differently because we are understanding the situation differently. It seems the real difference is whether the new man knew about the old man before the commitment, and also if the "in jail" man was aware that his wife had left him. If we could clear that point up, we would probably be all in agreement.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

CecilW said:
If I may, Paul, we haven't heard the other woman's side of the story; why she felt herself morally divorced, if not yet legally, and free to remarry.

On this site, many of us believe that the government's piece of paper is NOT determinate in such things. So ... there does not seem to me to be enough information in evidence in this case to render just verdict. Only to comfort hurting hearts at this time. Of all involved.

My 2 cents.
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I don't understand why this directed at me, not offended but also not understanding. I believe that the state license and state divorce mean nothing in God's eyes, other than those taking the place of the public or societal announcements that were the usual before licensing for marriage every came into existence. If someone tells me they are married, I believe them. If they say they are divorced, I believe them regardless of marriage license or signed divorce papers. If a woman tells a man that is in jail that they are divorced, then to me that is better than that man having no idea that his woman has left him, found someone else, moved in with that man and is now that other man's wife and is performing the duty of marriage with that other man.

I am not being snarky, just need to know if I posted something that suggests I believe differently than I do.
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Paul not the apostle said:
I don't understand why this directed at me, not offended but also not understanding.
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No big deal, Paul. You had taken a strong stand in the previous post, and I was responding to it by offering my opinion that we didn't have enough data to offer such strong judgment. That was all. Conversational /Opinion give & take.

That was then. Now? More data / info has come in.

Current opinion is that Mr & Mrs cdonport have done pretty durn well, all things considered, and that the new Mrs cdonport has to determine her own future and act upon it now. Further, NOT to decide IS to decide.

My opinion, and a highly stress that it is just that, my very own opinion, no one elses, and not official to this site nor speaking for God, is that what SHE should do is to ...
** accept that there is no turning back the cllock on what she did, right or wrong;
** immediately write her legal husband a letter, in prison, stating that she considered herself morally divorced from him, and her reasons, and that paperwork would follow asap;
** hire an attorney and file such paperwork immediately, and
** return to her new husband, apology and paperwork in hand.

But, that's my own opinion, and she hasn't asked, and it's a lovely fall day outside, and I'm going to get to work. :)
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

Cecil... I completely agree with you. This is what we are hoping will happen and we are waiting for that to happen. Why she hasn't filed yet.... or told him that she plans on divorcing him... we are still not quite sure what the hold up is. If her husband hurt her so deeply, why should she wait any longer?? I do not understand the logic in that. However, we are trying to be sensitive to the situation.

Initially, she said she was divorced - morally- and implied that her husband knew and was aware of that fact. It wasn't until LATER into the marriage, (near the time her husband would soon be released) that we found out that he WAS NOT aware of the " moral" or legal divorce at all. This is what caused the uproar, pain, and ultimately...separation. Where does that leave us?
 
Re: Sisterwife Left- Husband ended things bc her divorce not

cdonport said:
Where does that leave us?
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Hurting! And, IMO, with the ball completely in her court. I am convinced that what she SHOULD do is as I detailed above. I'm equally and sadly convinced that she prolly knows she shoulda done it long ago, so who knows what she actually WILL do now?

You folks are being held up in prayer right now by any of us, and will continue to be. May God be glorified in the way this all works out.
 
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