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The search for sane people

S

starlit

New Member
I have to laugh at my own header. So i got dissed again from a man that was searching for plural minded wives. We talked for many months long distance and some emails too. So after not hearing from him for a few weeks i figured he had dropped out of sight like many others over the years. Then lo and behold he emails me tonight. I respond back with some friendly chatter and some advice for a prickly custody dispute he is in. Then wham! He starts slamming me telling me how unattractive i am, how i would'nt make a good wife, how im supposedly not religious enough for him (despite my constant bible study and questions about different beliefs), how i dont care about the future of the world, etc. I just sent a short email thanking him for wasting my time. :)

So my question for singles and those searching would be this...how often has this happened to you? How did you react? How often have you been talking to someone and had them do a complete change of personality on you? I wonder if this is par for the course. I think what predicated this email was my request for us to meet in person to verify we are both real and to discuss the validity of a relationship between us....just a request to talk about what is happening basically...you know..."communicate". Makes me think he was not serious all along.
 
My comment may be deleted because we are a married couple looking for another rather than a single. I didn't see anything in the rules that prohibits me from commenting but the title of the forum is suggestive and I don't want to be a trouble maker.
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With that said, in my experience it is no different for families than for singles in this respect. I just recently ended a courtship because the woman I was courting started screaming and cursing even after I told her that that is unacceptable in my household. I set that example. I expect my family to follow it.

To make matters worse, she threatened suicide in response to my wife's attempt to address an issue with me. There are generally only two reasons that people do that. The first is if they're serious. The second is if they're being manipulative for the purposes of emotional/physical abuse.

I knew at that point that I was out of my depth. In my experience there are generally only two kinds of polygamous relationships in the US. The ones that are really wonderful and the ones that are really horrible. There doesn't seem to me to be much middle ground. For this reason the women who are interested in poly families usually have emotional baggage from prior (abusive?) relationships. The ones in the wonderful relationships have no reason to leave and seek other relationships. I'm used to this and am willing to help a woman overcome such issues.

A threat of suicide means that the waters are too deep for me to handle however. I stated that she needed to get therapy and that I would not be willing to continue the relationship if she didn't. She refused and made a counter-offer. She revealed that she has multiple personalities and offered to have one of them regulate the behavior of the one that I was interacting with.

Speaking of the water being too deep for me to handle.

The first rule of first aid is to make sure that the scene is safe for me. If it's not then EMS will have two victims when they arrive rather than one.

I applied that principle to the relationship in question by ending it. It just wasn't safe for me and my family. I have the right to protect myself from abuse whether emotional or physical. With my family that's not just a right, it's an obligation to protect my family members. (1 Timothy 5:8)

So, at least in my experience, the environment is no different for couples than it is for singles.
 
starlit said:
So after not hearing from him for a few weeks i figured he had dropped out of sight like many others over the years. Then lo and behold he emails me tonight. I respond back with some friendly chatter and some advice for a prickly custody dispute he is in. Then wham! He starts slamming me telling me how unattractive i am, how i would'nt make a good wife, how im supposedly not religious enough for him (despite my constant bible study and questions about different beliefs), how i dont care about the future of the world, etc. I just sent a short email thanking him for wasting my time. :)
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Hi Starlit.

I like your subject title. There are plenty of crazies out there.

But with your interactions with this particular man, I offer a different interpretation.

You are on the potential wife list for this man.

The past few months of chatting was the general interview.

He is serious about you.

You have reached the second interview stage.

He just gave you a test.

The test was: is starlit the kind of woman that I can control and mould? Will she put up with my abuse, and obey me?

For him, you just failed the test.

Regards,

ylop

PS I like your test result.
 
Ylop, that is a very interesting perspective on what might be going on in this man's mind. If you are right, then Starlit I am also glad you didn't pass that interview.

Wesley, that is quite the situation. Having known a couple of people that had multiple personality disorder (our adopted daughter almost split once), there is no guarantee that the one could regulate any of the others. If that personality could do so, there would no longer be multiple personalities. Also, having known people with multiple personality disorder, I would also demand they get help or the courtship is over. We never gave up on our daughter, but there came a time, once she was of age that she could no longer live with us for the safety of our other children.

Starlit, I pray you find just the right family for you.
 
Ylop thanks for the point of view, i hadn't considered that. He had made some references to a few things that would support your viewpoint. I saw a few red flags but slowly took it in and pondered. You know i am willing to change several things about my life if i find the right match. I have moved 1500 miles away before to be with a family, quit a job, gave away most of my personal possessions...only to have it fail and start over from nothing. So i'm being more cautious this go around. The other big red flag was when he became quiet and replied like this after i asked about meeting in person and some more open communication about where our talking was leading. But to be honest i think your more right.

Glorygirl thanks for the kind words.

In regards to the several comments about mental illness...i think that is something that can be a real concern. That family i tried to make things work with many years ago? I didnt find out until after things imploded that the wife was depressed and tried to committ suicide several times before i moved out. I wish i would have known how unhappy she was about the whole poly thing. There were other issues too like she was unhappy i wasnt bisexual and she had secretly been having affairs throughout their marriage before i came around (and after i was told). Pretty scary stuff to get involved in without your knowledge.
 
starlit said:
Pretty scary stuff to get involved in without your knowledge.
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Too many people don't understand that the "honesty" of poly goes a lot deeper than just making sure that each wife knows about the others. Poly, any form of poly but especially polygamy, requires honesty about anything that will affect family life. That includes depression, anxiety disorders (such as my PTSD), etc.

We can't just blindside a person with something like (in my case) "Oh, now that you're all moved in you should know that I'm a veteran with PTSD and therefore I have anxiety attacks and hyperventilate occasionally." That's a recipe for a string of failed relationships rather than a happy polygynous family.

(I used myself as an example so that no one else could complain about my description of their issues.)
 
starlit said:
So my question for singles and those searching would be this...how often has this happened to you? How did you react? How often have you been talking to someone and had them do a complete change of personality on you? I wonder if this is par for the course. I think what predicated this email was my request for us to meet in person to verify we are both real and to discuss the validity of a relationship between us....just a request to talk about what is happening basically...you know..."communicate". Makes me think he was not serious all along.
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Wow, as a single guy, I can tell you a few of my adventures.

I say polygyny, they think threesome. I say plural marriage, they think, "Yeah, right! Good guy, I'll get him, then stop that nonsense!" I say, This is serious and they hear, "Yep, It's serious all right," and there a sucking sound as the swoop out of the house so fast that the back door slams as they exit the front.

I stopped advertising for someone about ten years ago when I discovered that in general, it's less painful when I'm single. I looking on and off, and right now, I'm in the off category. But crazies, oh, have I met a few of those! This is a quick rundown of the last few dates. (Yes, it's meant to be funny, sort of)

I told one that I was going to a retreat... and after I started home, I was fired up about the awesome people I'd met - and her first question was, "So did you get some? It WAS an orgy, right?"

The lady after her was a bit psychotic. Well, a little more than a bit. She did spend the first date telling me, in detail, how crazy she was and what kind of meds she was on.

The next one wanted to run her produce through the dishwasher. Or at least wash it by hand, with a scrub brush. With soap.

The next one spent half the date talking about her dogs... and the second half talking about her obsessive compulsive disorder. Yep, floors and hair. Hated the idea that a hair would be on her floor. So after work, every day, she spent a couple of hours cleaning the floors of all the dog hair that had accumulated since the last time she cleaned, the day before.

One brought an overnight bag on the first date. She had all she needed for the night including PJ's, tooth brush, razor, and... you get the idea. I did too. Not one I wanted to get, however.

So yeah, I'm still single, still looking, and trying to dodge the crazies myself.
 
Gideon_70 said:
I say polygyny, they think threesome. I say plural marriage, they think, "Yeah, right! Good guy, I'll get him, then stop that nonsense!" I say, This is serious and they hear, "Yep, It's serious all right," and there a sucking sound as the swoop out of the house so fast that the back door slams as they exit the front.
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I know how you feel. I've dealt with several of the "Yeah, right! Good guy, I'll get him, then stop that nonsense!" types in the past.
 
Starlit, where are you meeting these guys who turn out to be not sane? Are they approaching you since you've made it clear that you're available, or are you approaching men you believe look good?

I have a suspicion that the more unbalanced a person's views, in other words the more focussed they are on "getting another wife" rather than following God whatever that may entail, the more likely they are to advertise that they're looking and approach women they see are available. While those more focussed on following God whatever are more likely to be sitting at home praying and trusting she'll turn up. Only on average, I'm certainly not saying that searching for another wife is wrong!

I understand that ages ago one of the guys posted a fake "single woman" post just to assess what the situation was for women joining the site, and were bombarded by private messages from guys who have little to do with Biblical Families but were watching for singles to show up... So this is a problem, anyone can sign up here, or to Facebook and dating websites.

If this is relevant at all, maybe you should be ignoring the men who approach you if you don't already know they're genuine, and rather keep an eye out for men who already appear sane and whose families you'd be interested in joining (on the forum, at the retreats, friends of genuine people etc), and then approach them yourself. Most of the serious men here are open to growing their families, but aren't necessarily chasing every single woman who turns up to try and recruit her.
 
Samuel,

Those are all good ideas. Let me answer your questions and give you a run down. For a single woman living in the Midwest..i dont know of any plural families, other like minded plural singles, etc in my area. So the prospects of being introduced to someone is zilch. Im not able to go to the retreats sponsored from this site because my work schedule wont allow it...its just not an option for me. Even if the next one is in Missouri. I dont have the time off to go. No one from this site has approached me in any way. Im meeting these families and individuals from poly dating sites and other poly oriented sites. I dont go on them like i used to. To be honest, its very hard to keep trying after about 6 years of rejection. I've had some pretty mean things said to me and i've just decided i'm tired of the abuse. Also, if my only option to meet like minded folks is to go online....then the idea of hoping to meet a guy that is home praying instead of preying on the internet is a little hard. Hope i answered all of your questions.
 
starlit said:
Im not able to go to the retreats sponsored from this site because my work schedule wont allow it...its just not an option for me.
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You're not alone. It was years before I met a plural family in person. I also have issues dating because there are few and fewer sites that allow plural marriage, and the ones that do are not the ones I want to be on. It's hard to meet people in person, because you have to start at ground zero, and even if you convince them that it's a good thing, you have their families and friends after you because they look at you as a perv that is out to destroy their loved one. Foreign wives are out, because it is a crime and a deportation offense to get involved with plural marriage, and they will leave an illegal that rapes and killed someone - but will CERTAINLY deport someone for PM.

So I've tried places like plenty of Fish, and they are pretty good. I've tried a few dating boards that are PM friendly or PM targeted, but even though I had a winning profile, I got like two hits, and they were not good ones. Honestly, I'm 47 and in great hood, active, and working on a homestead... that's a plus, plus, and negative... as one lady said, "You said homestead, and all I saw in my mind was me milking a goat at daybreak!" So I'm at a loss... there just aren't that many of us. I even built a dating website for PM, advertised it, and got over five thousand members! Every single one of them a marketing company in Kenya or something.

Perhaps we can convince our Fearless Leader to put in a "Singles Looking," profile/introduction page on the forum so that we can see who's out there.
 
starlit said:
Samuel,

Those are all good ideas. Let me answer your questions and give you a run down. For a single woman living in the Midwest..i dont know of any plural families, other like minded plural singles, etc in my area. So the prospects of being introduced to someone is zilch. Im not able to go to the retreats sponsored from this site because my work schedule wont allow it...its just not an option for me. Even if the next one is in Missouri. I dont have the time off to go. No one from this site has approached me in any way. Im meeting these families and individuals from poly dating sites and other poly oriented sites. I dont go on them like i used to. To be honest, its very hard to keep trying after about 6 years of rejection. I've had some pretty mean things said to me and i've just decided i'm tired of the abuse. Also, if my only option to meet like minded folks is to go online....then the idea of hoping to meet a guy that is home praying instead of preying on the internet is a little hard. Hope i answered all of your questions.
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Sorry Starlit if that came across as a criticism of you at all. My wife informs me that my post came across rather harshly, and that was not the intention whatsoever!

I hear you. Meeting people is very difficult - here I am sitting all the way down in New Zealand, I know exactly what that's like, I know of only one other family in the entire country who accepts the idea and no available women who do!

But I know so many decent men through BF that it just frustrates me when I hear of all the problems that singles are having, and all the disasters that occur. There's got to be a better way. There is of course our "introductions" service, which was intended to help with this problem, but I've got nothing to do with that so to be honest have no idea how effective seeking a family through that would be, and you may have already tried that.
http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/introductions

I don't have all the answers, but I post my musings when they occur, take the useful bits from them and discard the rest.
 
FollowingHim said:
Sorry Starlit if that came across as a criticism of you at all. My wife informs me that my post came across rather harshly, and that was not the intention whatsoever!
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Hmmm.... I seem to remember someone else saying something to that effect a while back.
 
starlit said:
For a single woman living in the Midwest..i dont know of any plural families, other like minded plural singles, etc in my area. So the prospects of being introduced to someone is zilch. Im not able to go to the retreats sponsored from this site because my work schedule wont allow it...its just not an option for me. Even if the next one is in Missouri. I dont have the time off to go. No one from this site has approached me in any way. Im meeting these families and individuals from poly dating sites and other poly oriented sites. I dont go on them like i used to. To be honest, its very hard to keep trying after about 6 years of rejection. I've had some pretty mean things said to me and i've just decided i'm tired of the abuse. Also, if my only option to meet like minded folks is to go online....then the idea of hoping to meet a guy that is home praying instead of preying on the internet is a little hard.
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I can so totally relate to this. It isn't any easier from the side of a couple who is looking either.

starlit said:
I've had some pretty mean things said to me and i've just decided i'm tired of the abuse.
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I can especially relate to this part. I am so tired of being yelled at for being different that I've made a rule in my house about no yelling or cursing. I set the example and expect my family to follow it. I just ended a courtship recently for failing to follow it. That's how serious I am about it.

I can so totally relate to this.
 
FollowingHim said:
If this is relevant at all, maybe you should be ignoring the men who approach you if you don't already know they're genuine
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This is a concept that I have been struggling with for some time. How do I do this while also following this teaching?

James said:
James 2:1-9 NIV
2 My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. 2 Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. 3 If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” 4 have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

5 Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? 6 But you have dishonored the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? 7 Are they not the ones who are blaspheming the noble name of him to whom you belong?

8 If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right. 9 But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers.
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If I dismiss a woman out of hand for the wrong reasons then am I not playing favoritism? How do I know that she's not a good woman who is just having a rough time right now?

It goes beyond just society's stereotypes. I know that if I dismiss a woman out of hand because she isn't skinny enough to match society's ideal then that is favoritism. What about the woman who is in a tough position, to quote starlit, "To be honest, its very hard to keep trying after about 6 years of rejection. I've had some pretty mean things said to me and i've just decided i'm tired of the abuse." If I turn her away because she's a little cautious or even a little grouchy would I not be guilty of turning away one of the women described in Isaiah 4:1? But the cautiousness and grouchiness can also look like the red flags of a crazy woman depending on how it's presented.
 
Gideon_70 said:
You're not alone. It was years before I met a plural family in person. I also have issues dating because there are few and fewer sites that allow plural marriage, and the ones that do are not the ones I want to be on. It's hard to meet people in person...
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I agree with you on several points. For one, i have met a few families in person that wanted to practice plural marriage but i had to travel 1500 miles to see them. I also have in the past talked to a few families that were practicing plural marriage over the phone but for one particular family, when i turned down their offer to join their family they stopped talking to me. These families i met and talked to are part of a religious movement i'm pulling away from...so no future contact expected in reality. And this was many years ago. As for dating sites? Don't get me started! I just found a new site online a few nights ago and thought i would try out the chat. Huh! Within five minutes i had half a dozen men wanting to share x rated pictures of themselves and talk dirty to me. So i deleted that account. Other dating sites are very negative and full of drama. Some of the people on those sites were quick to put me down because of my age and questioned what right a woman who may or may not have children had to want to practice plural marriage. That really bothered me for a long time, and to be honest was a reason why i quit searching for an extended period...that was more hurtful than being told i was ugly and "not religious enough". I have never chose to NOT have children. I love all children and would love them whether they were my own or not.

So yeah i hear you.
 
FollowingHim said:
Sorry Starlit if that came across as a criticism of you at all. My wife informs me that my post came across rather harshly, and that was not the intention whatsoever!
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No I wasnt offended or thought anything of your post. I was just matter of factly just answering every question. I think i was more concerned that my rambling might not make sense since i was so tired from being up at the crack of dawn and working all day.
 
starlit said:
Some of the people on those sites were quick to put me down because of my age and questioned what right a woman who may or may not have children had to want to practice plural marriage.
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Ok, that is just crazy. I don't even get what they mean, does that mean they're criticising you because you may soon be past childbearing age so might not add to the family that way? Or criticising you for being still within childbearing age so could have kids that would take the attention of the husband away from the first's kids? Or because your likelihood of adding children is uncertain so you should be either 20 or 50 but nothing in between? Or just being completely crazy? People certainly find weird things to be judgemental about.
 
Wesley and FollowingHim....

FollowingHim wrote that maybe i should ignore the men that are not genuine, or something to that effect. Well the problem with that is that if you know just enough information to pass the initial conversation than that is enough to be dangerous. Lol. In other words, if a couple/husband/wife i meet online knows all the right things to say to get my attention...how do i know if they are not genuine? I have to indulge in conversation. Which is fine. But when it comes about they are not sincere or change their mind months into a flowing conversation...it leaves me feeling dirty. IDK why. I'm a private person and that has been the most bothersome thing for me to experience. Talking to someone and going thru some pretty private thoughts about my relationship with God, my personal revelation about plural marriage, my experiences. These are all things you want to talk about when you first meet someone. But for me...those things are very private. And i try now to wait to disclose some of that until i absolutely have to, just to wait for the other shoe to drop before i reveal myself.

I wonder if anyone can relate?
 
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