Good points. It's not that this should prevent a man from having more than one wife. It's just one of many practical considerations to keep in mind. It would be easier in a culture whee it is widely accepted. Then again, sometimes it is good to do the hard things, especially if the Lord is directing you to do so.Like the culture in our Lord's Day where He healed on the Sabbath.
-
Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.
When you shouldn't seek an additional wife
- Thread starter Bartato
- Start date
I think there are few qualifications that exist when a man has one wife that restrict when it makes sense to think about adding a second.
The vast majority of reasons for marriage are just as legitimate with a second as a first. The important factor is indeed, determining those limiting factors that exist when a man is already married that would limit the circumstances in which it is wise to consider adding a second. Those same factors would also exist with any other subsequent I hazard to guess. Good topic! I'll ponder on it this weekend. Lots of good answers already and most I would echo.
My quick bullet point list is:
The vast majority of reasons for marriage are just as legitimate with a second as a first. The important factor is indeed, determining those limiting factors that exist when a man is already married that would limit the circumstances in which it is wise to consider adding a second. Those same factors would also exist with any other subsequent I hazard to guess. Good topic! I'll ponder on it this weekend. Lots of good answers already and most I would echo.
My quick bullet point list is:
- When he doesn't have his house in order.
- If his life is in shambles and he thinks a second wife will bring more order and less chaos, he's deluded and foolish.
- When his first wife is not grounded and secure.
- Losing the first wife to gain a second is chaotic monogamy and not at all the fruit of good leadership or care of the wife of your youth.
- When he cannot support additional wives.
- This is easily solved as most adult women are more than capable of bringing more financial value to a home than she would cost.
@nick raises some great points. It is lawful for a married man to marry a second wife, but already having a wife is a complication that the single man simply does not have.
Already having a wife is one of a thousand possible complications that would practically impact marriage ability.
Here are a few other practical complications to potential marriage.
A man with children need to think about how a particular marriage will affect his children. He is free to marry as he chooses, but marrying a woman who hates his children (or that his children hate) is very risky.
A man heading off to war is free to marry, but should consider whether that is the right time for marriage.
A man with serious health problems, or serious financial problems is completely free to marry, but these issues are still factors.
The man adding an additional wife should very carefully consider how the possible additional woman will impact his existing wife and family.
Again, he is able to take a second wife, but needs to be more cautious than a young single man.
Already having a wife is one of a thousand possible complications that would practically impact marriage ability.
Here are a few other practical complications to potential marriage.
A man with children need to think about how a particular marriage will affect his children. He is free to marry as he chooses, but marrying a woman who hates his children (or that his children hate) is very risky.
A man heading off to war is free to marry, but should consider whether that is the right time for marriage.
A man with serious health problems, or serious financial problems is completely free to marry, but these issues are still factors.
The man adding an additional wife should very carefully consider how the possible additional woman will impact his existing wife and family.
Again, he is able to take a second wife, but needs to be more cautious than a young single man.
This is disaster.
You are all thinking with head above neck instead of one in pants. What's goal of these?
Create risk management matrix with 100 000 000 columns to manage out all life from life? Copy McKinsey in being best smart-ass consultants?
Or maybe point of life is passion and desire. Love is fire. And fire is life. * Being in moment, in now and expressing joy and happiness.
Head in pants knows what is good (paragraf above). And it's your express need to only use head above neck to finish in mindless and profitless mental masturbation.
In the end, are you interested in enabling more love or finding more reasons why it can't work?
For what purpose are you using head above neck?
*Lord is life and and He is love and His love is fire, therefore love = live = fire
@MemeFan, this is one of those times when you need to listen to and learn from the experienced men here.
The thing that separates humans from animals is that we are rational. An animal "thinks with the head in its pants", and has sex with whatever moves. A human controls his/her urges and makes rational, sensible decisions about what to do. A human that lives like an animal will ruin their life, while a human that uses his/her brain will be successful.
Yes, we all feel the same fire that you refer to. But we bridle it and direct it in good directions. And through that end up enjoying it more than anybody who just gave in to it. Even just at the crudest level this is better - you may not realise that sex is teamwork and gets better with practice. So if you can think carefully and set up a marriage that will last for 50 years, just think how much better the sex will be than if you'd just given in to foolish urges and never managed to have a relationship that lasted more than a decade.
Remember that arranged marriages tend to last much longer than romantic ones. There's an important reason for that - forming a marriage with the brain is far more successful than just following the head in your pants.
The thing that separates humans from animals is that we are rational. An animal "thinks with the head in its pants", and has sex with whatever moves. A human controls his/her urges and makes rational, sensible decisions about what to do. A human that lives like an animal will ruin their life, while a human that uses his/her brain will be successful.
Yes, we all feel the same fire that you refer to. But we bridle it and direct it in good directions. And through that end up enjoying it more than anybody who just gave in to it. Even just at the crudest level this is better - you may not realise that sex is teamwork and gets better with practice. So if you can think carefully and set up a marriage that will last for 50 years, just think how much better the sex will be than if you'd just given in to foolish urges and never managed to have a relationship that lasted more than a decade.
Remember that arranged marriages tend to last much longer than romantic ones. There's an important reason for that - forming a marriage with the brain is far more successful than just following the head in your pants.
And I just saw this, which illustrates my point quite well.
Less of a question but more just musing on when one should and should not seek/be open to another wife.
Partially related to some of Nick's commentary with respect to having your physical plant in order. At the moment I have a fairly large five bedroom house and room for more adults and children.
The future however is up in the air given my desire to relocate as far from the cities as I can possibly manage. Get the family onto land and create a very different life for the family. The trouble is that if I had been ahead of the curve ten years ago, I could have picked up the right house and land combo cheap as chips. However...life you know. You get busy and you frequently don't do what was the smartest move.
And now that goal represents a Massive expenditure. It also makes having a large 5 bedroom house a murky proposition. It certainly is the goal but no guarantees.
My own answer to my internal musings is that it is still valid to seek/be open to a new wife when you can not predict or control the future entirely.
Besides, who knows...maybe I will meet a woman with some brilliant ideas which will solve the knotty equation.
I do think that if there some significant danger of not being able to house/feed or provide for a family in the near term then it is a bad time to consider expansion on pretty much any level.
Partially related to some of Nick's commentary with respect to having your physical plant in order. At the moment I have a fairly large five bedroom house and room for more adults and children.
The future however is up in the air given my desire to relocate as far from the cities as I can possibly manage. Get the family onto land and create a very different life for the family. The trouble is that if I had been ahead of the curve ten years ago, I could have picked up the right house and land combo cheap as chips. However...life you know. You get busy and you frequently don't do what was the smartest move.
And now that goal represents a Massive expenditure. It also makes having a large 5 bedroom house a murky proposition. It certainly is the goal but no guarantees.
My own answer to my internal musings is that it is still valid to seek/be open to a new wife when you can not predict or control the future entirely.
Besides, who knows...maybe I will meet a woman with some brilliant ideas which will solve the knotty equation.
I do think that if there some significant danger of not being able to house/feed or provide for a family in the near term then it is a bad time to consider expansion on pretty much any level.
When the cities burn, and the Ag Gestapo go to farms killing chickens and cattle, the extra bedroom might not seem quite as important.
By now, it seems that 'predicting the future' amounts largely to being able to read history, or even Scripture.
I have suggested lately (for some time, actually) that 'adding an additional wife' ultimately has a more strategic significance.
By now, it seems that 'predicting the future' amounts largely to being able to read history, or even Scripture.
I have suggested lately (for some time, actually) that 'adding an additional wife' ultimately has a more strategic significance.
In real estate - before 2020 - there were always people finding an excuse to sit on sidelines. They'd find a million different reasons not to pull the trigger. Sometimes a person can wait too long, and then the opportunity passes. You can read a million books, but nothing compares to walking the walk.
In this day and age - where both parents have to work to survive - and they are spending $$$$ for strangers to take care of their children - that money can be saved by finding a 2nd wife that believes in Christ - believes in the Scriptures - and loves children and taking care of them. You're also doing a good thing providing a covering to a woman that's in need. Maybe she finds a hobby that can also contribute to the household. Now you have a 3rd person contributing income into the household. It lightens the burden on everyone. Since everyone is living in one property - there's massive savings there too. Only one mortgage bill. Only one property tax bill. There's massive economical advantages. There's also advantages of not having Babylon teach your children - but they can be homeschooled at home. There's also the case of stronger households - having more sons and daughters. If times get rough and 911 doesn't work - it's better to be part of a household with 12 sons; than a household with perhaps 1 son.
In this day and age - where both parents have to work to survive - and they are spending $$$$ for strangers to take care of their children - that money can be saved by finding a 2nd wife that believes in Christ - believes in the Scriptures - and loves children and taking care of them. You're also doing a good thing providing a covering to a woman that's in need. Maybe she finds a hobby that can also contribute to the household. Now you have a 3rd person contributing income into the household. It lightens the burden on everyone. Since everyone is living in one property - there's massive savings there too. Only one mortgage bill. Only one property tax bill. There's massive economical advantages. There's also advantages of not having Babylon teach your children - but they can be homeschooled at home. There's also the case of stronger households - having more sons and daughters. If times get rough and 911 doesn't work - it's better to be part of a household with 12 sons; than a household with perhaps 1 son.
Last edited:
Bingo or when you head is lumpy enough to not start young.
Raising my hand here. It was dumb.
I still plan on being hail and hearty and chasing giggling kids for another 40 years but I do lament having not started way earlier.
To be able to sit down with the 20ish year old me and give a pretty pointed lesson to myself. The lecture would likely start with listen up dumbass.
I agree with Mark though. Another wife in hard times makes tonnes of sense for a number of reasons. In large part that more hands on tasks and minds on problems makes life easier.
Presumably the type of woman seeking polygamy gets that the world is at minimum squirrelly and less safe than it was and that stepping into a stable family makes good strategic sense for them as well.
Last edited:
Could not agree more.
With respect to a second wife making money as well...lots of people will have great ideas for home businesses but never have the time.
We are food preservation nerds with a freeze dryer for example. At the beginning of the freeze dried candy craze we could have made a mint if we had the time.
Or in my own case, I could could make probably an extra so-so livable wage over and above what I currently make if I had a part time assistant to handle some details that always get lost.
Every family will have ways that new hands and heads can make a huge contribution.
100% agree! That's why I say it's largely irrelevant but "can" in some situations be a poor decision. For the most part I think an additional adult helping to bring in some income will greatly increase the financial stability of a family. There are some rare circumstances where a woman would be unable to bring as much financial stability to the household as she consumed. But for the most part any adult assistance is a great blessing. I spoke with one man a couple years ago that thought he needed to more than double his income before considering adding a second. I thought his logic was inane to say the least.
Don't they sell calculators at the dollar store?
I agree income shouldn't be an issue in most circumstances (one exception obviously being taking on a woman with serious health issues, who cannot contribute financially and will be a financial burden, you would need to be able to support this additional cost however much she was going to contribute to the family in other ways).
Housing is more likely a serious issue. This is easily confused with income, as one affects the other, but it is separate. It can be solved in various ways, not all of which are "buying a bigger house" - but it still needs to be solved. Personally, I would say if you can't see where to put another wife, in other words you don't have a spare bedroom, don't focus on hunting for one - you've probably got barely enough space for your existing family and need to focus on housing them better rather than making things even more difficult.
However if God gives you one anyway even though you weren't looking, He'll provide a way of housing her too. She's already living somewhere after all.
Housing is more likely a serious issue. This is easily confused with income, as one affects the other, but it is separate. It can be solved in various ways, not all of which are "buying a bigger house" - but it still needs to be solved. Personally, I would say if you can't see where to put another wife, in other words you don't have a spare bedroom, don't focus on hunting for one - you've probably got barely enough space for your existing family and need to focus on housing them better rather than making things even more difficult.
However if God gives you one anyway even though you weren't looking, He'll provide a way of housing her too. She's already living somewhere after all.
I will talk to this young woman now and then who is the fanatic wife in the family. That sounds like a pejorative but I mean it simply in the dedicated enthusiast context. Someone who is beating the drum of polygamy loudly and advocating for here lifestyle raising children with her sister wives and actively recruiting for the family/her husband. Her notion being that the bigger the family, the happier all of them will be.
I am sure some of the guys are thinking woohoo, what a woman. Won't pretend I am not one of them...to an extent.
I also am a nuts and bolts sort of guy who loves conversations about how people manage the infrastructure of their family. When I learned that there were four wives and a new live in fiance with I believe six kids and a couple on the way, all in a 2500sqft three bedroom home.
The size is not so bad but the three bedroom aspect does seem a little stretched to me.
I know of other circumstances that were similar but in a far smaller footprint but she was talking about how they had more woman coming to meet the family in the near term in hopes of recruiting them but no plans to consider a larger home for ten plus years.
To each their own. She says they are wonderfully happy and she just gushed enthusiasm for plural marriage so I am happy for them obviously but in a similar circumstances, I think that I would have to find a means of getting my hands on more resources and by extension a larger home. At minimum creating some type of home business the ladies can run together or a couple of them at least having a part time job or some sort of remote work from home situation.
I don't personally have some explicit image of a number of woman in my mind for hypothetical ideal circumstances. I do think that a large family simply need more resources and you quickly get to a point where practically speaking can run out of room and begin to need to make compromises. Not a scenario that a single income guy making a decent middle class income can stretch to. Now in the current world economy by any stretch
I totally agree. People have been brainwashed into believing they shouldn't have kids because it's wrecking the planet or costs too much. Yet God said, "Be fruitful and multiply."
Why are there those who want to restrict the number of wives a man has when God says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and attains favor from the Lord." I love having God favor on my life!
Exactly the types of rare circumstances I'm alluding to.
I don't see why a "compound" style living situation isn't entirely viable. One main house for daily activities, meals, washing, etc... With smaller single room tiny home style residences. Well insulated with a mini-split for heating and AC, there's private quarters where people can retreat to if they need some personal space, she can decorate "her" place however she likes, personal idiosyncrasies that might be annoying and cause interpersonal conflict if in a shared space are able to be expressed without that friction when there are separate quarters. While I would much rather see everyone under one roof, the decentralized housing solution is entirely doable and actually historically more accurate.