I'll give that a try. He actually falls asleep in our bed regardless of whether we're in there.
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I'll give that a try. He actually falls asleep in our bed regardless of whether we're in there.
HannahMiller
New Member
My mother says, do what you can, where you are, with what you've got. At the moment it sounds like you both need a break. You may not be in the position to get a break together but you could give your wife a couple days break and then she can give you a couple days break. You also sound like you need community arround you. When women are overwhelmed they can get into survival and connection becomes harder for them. Let her exhale! It sounds like the normal challenges of raising a family, its tough but its only for a season.
Might I suggest anointing oil, prayer and fasting in moderation (and medical supervision as needed)? I have a family member who was healed of epilepsy by the grace of God through the fervent prayer of a relative who cared about her. We worship a prayer-hearing, prayer-answering God who has been touched with the feeling of our infirmities. He is able to do exceedingly more than we can even ask or think.
P.S. Please don't read my last response as a flippant, pseudo-spiritual, 'just do X and all your problems will go away'. I don't want to minimize what you're going through in any way whatsoever. I have a relative who is autistic and non-verbal, who has superhuman strength and plays with poop and stuff. I can't imagine going through what you're going through by taking such good care of someone with such great needs like that.
I honestly doubt I could weather what you're being asked to thanklessly do day in and day out. But at the same time, I feel like the testimony of Holy Scripture is that the Lord equips whom He calls.
For whatever it's worth, I'm praying for you!
Stress is nothing more than body screaming danger, danger, danger!!!!!!!!
So his body is put into survival mode and you try to make him sleep? WTF? Humans who have gone to sleep while being hunted are extinct, brother. Same for any other dangerous situation.
Only way is to relax child. Sleep is relaxing activity.
My wife has been really angry about it since we came home on Sunday. We've been praying for a long time that God would change one of us so we could be in complete agreement on this issue. I knew she had concerns, but I didn't realize how strongly she felt because she was trying to avoid hurting my feelings. I told her in the morning that I was letting go of this because I couldn't let this cause strife in our marriage.
We just had a very short conversation about it and a flip just switched. I wonder if this is the answer to our prayers. She suddenly had a complete change of heart right before we went to bed.
I hope she still feels this way in the morning.
I don't know whether F2 will ever become a reality, but we reached unity and our marriage survived this grenade, and that in itself is an answered prayer. Whatever happens from here, I think we can at least work together, whether that means we pursue F2 or if we decide this isn't the right decision.
We just had a very short conversation about it and a flip just switched. I wonder if this is the answer to our prayers. She suddenly had a complete change of heart right before we went to bed.
I hope she still feels this way in the morning.
I don't know whether F2 will ever become a reality, but we reached unity and our marriage survived this grenade, and that in itself is an answered prayer. Whatever happens from here, I think we can at least work together, whether that means we pursue F2 or if we decide this isn't the right decision.
millennial_mama
New Member
I’m just going to clarify since I’m the wife in this situation. I wouldn’t say I have a total commitment to polygamy, but we did at least agree on a major issue about intimacy. I have some extreme issues with jealousy and just can’t handle my husband loving another woman. Even him talking about a couple short interactions with each other makes me feel very angry. I am enraged that he has been thinking about this girl romantically for around three months now. To me, I view that as very inappropriate and sinful. I try very hard to keep my mind pure and my interactions pure with other men, and I wish he had those same standards. It feels horrible that he doesn’t.
I knew there would be more to work through in the morning.
But we've made some significant progress.millennial_mama
New Member
If my husband would hate the thought of me loving some other guy and not allow that, why should I have to allow that for him?I knew there would be more to work through in the morning.
Jealosy is fear of losing something loved, so why are you so afraid?
Because you having other man means husband can't trust your children will be his.
There is no such equivalent with husband finding new woman. The worst he can do is make you single mom.
It is easy for us to judge our partner from OUR nature, and can be difficult to realize we are made very differently. As a woman I have done as you have and guarded my heart and relationship. I have never wanted another romantic partner. When we are trying to live by the golden rule we need to keep in mind that we are not all on the same level. It is right for me to be exclusive toward my husband/head, who holds the place of authority over me that Jesus holds over him. It would not work though for him to be jealous over who else Jesus brings into covenant with Him, or for him to think that I should be as He is, although ironically that was an issue for my husband many years ago when we first started considering this. Since he would NEVER want to "share me" he had a hard time understanding how I could be willing to "share" him.
I prefer to think of it as having a husband in common. Our children don't share their parents, they each fully have a mom and dad. ...but they have us in common with their siblings.
There is a lot to sort out emotionally for us as this is not something we grew up with.
Our children were raised with the idea, and all accept their younger half siblings. ...and their mom. For them the social conditioning that says it is wrong will never be there. This is just family. For those of us that didn't have ANY EXPOSURE to this? We have to try and recallibrate our hearts and minds. It is easier for some maybe than others. Have you read the blog that a member here wrote? She did a great job of sharing her journey through all these very normal feelings. You may find some comfort in it.
That by the way is a very horrible "worst" and the honest expectation most of the time. There is a lot of a woman's sense of security that is threatened by another woman in the picture.
It is easy for us to judge our partner from OUR nature, and can be difficult to realize we are made very differently. As a woman I have done as you have and guarded my heart and relationship. I have never wanted another romantic partner. When we are trying to live by the golden rule we need to keep in mind that we are not all on the same level. It is right for me to be exclusive toward my husband/head, who holds the place of authority over me that Jesus holds over him. It would not work though for him to be jealous over who else Jesus brings into covenant with Him, or for him to think that I should be as He is, although ironically that was an issue for my husband many years ago when we first started considering this. Since he would NEVER want to "share me" he had a hard time understanding how I could be willing to "share" him.
I prefer to think of it as having a husband in common. Our children don't share their parents, they each fully have a mom and dad. ...but they have us in common with their siblings.
There is a lot to sort out emotionally for us as this is not something we grew up with.
Our children were raised with the idea, and all accept their younger half siblings. ...and their mom. For them the social conditioning that says it is wrong will never be there. This is just family. For those of us that didn't have ANY EXPOSURE to this? We have to try and recallibrate our hearts and minds. It is easier for some maybe than others. Have you read the blog that a member here wrote? She did a great job of sharing her journey through all these very normal feelings. You may find some comfort in it.
Jolene, thank you for weighing in here. I also want to add that I do guard my heart from sinful desires. I don't entertain lustful thoughts about women. I don't watch porn. This is the first time since in my life that I've met someone other than my wife who I would actually consider marrying. My wife has only met her briefly, but I think she'll agree even from that small interaction that this is a person of strong character. Women like them are extremely rare. This is not something I take lightly at all, although lose my brain sometimes when I'm caught up in these feelings.
I think it's also really hard for women to understand that men can have equal feelings for more than one person. Meeting F2 did not take away my feelings for my wife. It's actually the complete opposite. It's actually reminded me of how we felt before we had kids. I've been listening to the music we loved in those days and I'm caught up in the feelings I'm remembering from all those years ago. It's reminded me how much I love her. All of those feelings are still there, but they've been drowned out by the chaos of family life.
Right. If I had to choose between being a single mother or taking a paternity test, I would choose the paternity test every time! There are few things worse in this life than being a single parent.
It's still a bad analogy. We really aren't made to divide our affections and it is a gross twisting of divine order for a woman to have two heads.
millennial_mama
New Member
I know most women only want to have one husband or romantic relationship. That’s not me. But I’ve been so hurt by him in our marriage that I’ve really regretted getting married, and have wished I could have made a different choice. Though at the same time I do love him, but it’s very complicated. There are also many qualities I would have loved to have in a spouse but I can’t have them in just him. It would be nice to have a husband with the qualities I’ve always wanted in a spouse. In saying all that, I’m realizing that we both probably have too many unresolved issues with marriage and with our dysfunctional childhoods, and trying to add a third person would probably not be wise at the present and would be unfair to F2 since she seems like a lot healthier of a person.
Well, thr worst man can do is take his protection and resources from one woman to another. I can put woman and her children into survival situation.
But she will always know her children are hers. Something man can't be certain.
We are all "fixer uppers" in some ways. All of us are unfinished works in progress, and sometimes that is as messy and chaotic as trying to remodel the kitchen while still using it multiple times a day!
It is also easy to look at someone else and think they are healthier, or better somehow because they are different. My sisterwife went to school, college even, and seems better with people. We both deal with similar uncertainties though with each other. I can say with no doubts that God brought her into our lives and family, and He has BLESSED us all through her being here. My unresolved issues from childhood and marriage can leave me feeling like a burden, yet she still is happy to be here and thankful I was open to this.
There is so much against this other woman being open to that....and actually making that choice, that you might just leave it in God's hands. My children are blessed by having another sweet feminine presence in our home. She loves them too. I am blessed to be claimed by her little ones... each member of the family is a gift.
Yeah. I'm sure if we knew F2 as well as we know each other, we would find that she also has struggled and may be broken to some extent in her own way. I think everyone is.
My wife and I were both dealt tough hands in life. We were only shown examples of what not to do. We've been doing the best we can in both our marriage and parenting. It's always difficult when you don't have support. We've both hurt each other before, but never intentionally. There have even been times when one of us has gone above and beyond to serve the other person and it still resulted in hurt feelings. Marriage is never easy.