• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Support Advice for supporting first wife in accepting polygyny.

S

Stuckinthewoods

New Member
Hello everyone. I am new here, but in the past few months, God has been revealing a ton to me about sex, marriage, and plural marriage. In the process, I am trying to determine his will for our lives, but am running into major conflicts with my wife.

Off the bat, I have to say that I (in general) have a great relationship with my wife. I do not find myself lacking in our relationship in any major way, and we have been the best of friends for the past 13 years, 10 of those being married to each other.

It has come up that not only do I believe and have the backing for polygyny being biblically-based, but through much meditation, prayer, and fasting, I realize that this is a desire that I have for myself and my family.

She is devastated.

The more that I pursue knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and the holy spirit's guidance in this, the more I come to the conclusion that I believe that this is God's will for us.

However, she claimss that she is increasingly more resolute that this can't possibly be the case, citing the following as her reasons:

- She doesn't feel it is the direction she wants, therefore it can't be for us.
- She feels like we must be missing something from the Bible.
- She holds that she would be miserable for the rest of her life if there was another woman in the house that I was married to.
- She says her intuition says plural marriage for us has to be wrong.
- She holds that she will never absolve me of the monogamous vows that we made on our wedding day, and that she has every right to do so.

As you can tell, she is rather strong willed (which is not necessarily a bad thing, except that now I think it is starting to make her disrespect my headship over her) I hear and respect each of those reasons, especially the last one, but as my resolve on each of these points is the opposite, I'm not sure how to reason with her anymore.

I think a key part of all of this is that I already have inclinations toward a prospective second wife. I don't want to "muddy the waters" with feelings, but soon after coming to the realization that plural marriage is biblically lawful, I have felt a strong draw toward a specific woman that I have known for a while (disclaimer: even in my mind, I never pursued connection beyond friendship with this woman prior to the realization of biblical plural marriage- and its not just because of physical attraction, there are many reasons why she would make an incredible wife and addition to my family). There are many more details, but I am very aware that "eros love" can "feel like the holy spirit", but there are many reasons that I don't think this me just wanting to live in some "fantasy land" either.

I did not plan on bringing up the fact to my wife that there is someone I have been thinking about, but she asked me outright if there was, so, of course, I told her.

Perhaps it is because she now as an object of contention (the unspecting other woman) working as a catalyst in some way- but I'm just not sure how to handle her (my wife) anymore. I am more in love with her (my wife) than I have ever been, taking more and more seriously how the Bible says a righteous man ought to treat his wife, and learning how to cherishing her heart in all of this, yet it feels like she is spitting in my face by her outright refusal of my desire to have a second wife, and holding our marriage vows over me as a technicality.

Most discussions turn into character assassinations from her, calling all me sorts of things like "selfish, perverted, deceived, demon-possessed," and the like. We have had a couple of really good heart-to-hearts about all this, but by the next time we talk about it, her heart has completely hardened and it feels like all the progress has been lost.

I just dont know how to reconcile what she's feeling with the direction I feel like God is leading me. I have been fasting for five weeks about this (eating one meal a day to keep my strength up at work), and I am moving into my sixth and final week. I am praying nonstop about this, and memorizing tons of scripture. I am asking for guidance and wisdom and I believe I have heard from the holy spirit on multiple occasions concerning this (I know this can be contentious, but I am trying to be very discerning between my voice and the holy spirit right now), but still I feel like I'm running into a brick wall with my wife.

- Am I expecting too much from her to fast? We only started discussing this two months or so ago. Should I try to be more patient, and "play the long-game"?
- I feel strongly that I should talk to woman #2 and see where she is at to know how to move forward, but I don’t want to do so if all I'm feeling is my own personal desire to pursue her. I really want to holy spirit's guidance on this so it doesn't blow up and cause anyone shame (also, my wife has forbidden me to talk to her about this per our marriage vows. I have more-or-less conceded to this request). Is it wiser to just wait and see how the next couple months play out with my wife, or if Im feeling inclined to do so, should I push for talking to woman #2?
- How do I deal with the whole marriage vow issue? I am resolute to stand by my vow until she absolves me of it, but it seems like she is going to just keep holding it over me as a "technicality" as long as she can. I have read all the forums I could find in this matter, but I didn't find any that talk about what to do with a wife who holds to them regardless of what the Bible says about the awfulness of plural marriage.

Sorry it's not just one straight-forward question. I guess I am just looking for advice from people who have gone through this before.

If you got to this point, thank you for taking the time to read this! God bless you all.
 
1) I do think you need up attraction of your wife towards you

2) Play it as long game. You are risking destruction of your family, not need to hurry up.

3) You need to face possibily of willfull sabotage by your wife. She could be rebellious. Mostly it's case of emotional insecurity (what will others think, will she be left alone)

4) Women like to find replacement (ie new man), then do switching. Men are more likely to be break relationship, then find new girl. Her instict will be telling her you are trying to do things "woman's way"

5) How much you are egalitarians? The more you are egalitarians, tbe worse/harder this will be for you. One reason is fundamental asymetry in rules, another is assuming you both think same

6) Is she shaming your sexuality?

7) It takes woman about year or two to accept polygyny. If she isn't moving forward every quarter or two, something is wrong

8) Your work will be mostly about managing her feelings than anything else

9) Polygyny comes naturally to you. Another wife is great reward. If you wife thinks she will get nothing, why she would sacrifice for you?
 
Greetings and welcome to Biblical Families.

If you haven't read the article, Peeling the Onion, i suggest you take the time to do so. Here's a link: https://whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com/home/blog

Understanding your wife's mind-set will help you navigate through the emotional quagmire you've unleashed in your wife. If polygyny is something you have only recently begun discussing, it'll take a while for her to get her head around it. Go slow - remember the story of the Hare and the Tortoise? Cheers
 
I was in a similar situation. Especially with the vows. Your priority right now if you wish to keep your current wife and not simply pursue something you have a Godly right to is to Love your wife through this.

Be very clear on your family vision and what God is showing you and very respectful and always addressing her fears and primarily her fear of replacement. Always reassuring her that it is addition and not replacement which means lots of extra reassurance.

Think long game like years not months with your wife and yes this is painful for a man.

I personally wouldn't involve a second heart yet until you have it at least directionally clear with your first wife (assuming you are not wanting to just do what you want at all costs).

But some good news take it slow and listen to God on how to love your wife. I personally hold that a vow is serious before God and even when done in your ignorance you are accountable to it, I know many on here hold that it is irrelevant and that will be up to you. But as it was serious to me a year in my wife and I renewed our vows to suit a plural marriage, bear in mind that she was like your wife to begin with.

We are now in the process of getting her ready to walk it out when and if God brings in another wife.

So there is hope and love will help them change and come into line under your headship.
 
Stuckinthewoods said:
Hello everyone. I am new here, but in the past few months, God has been revealing a ton to me about sex, marriage, and plural marriage. In the process, I am trying to determine his will for our lives, but am running into major conflicts with my wife.

Off the bat, I have to say that I (in general) have a great relationship with my wife. I do not find myself lacking in our relationship in any major way, and we have been the best of friends for the past 13 years, 10 of those being married to each other.

It has come up that not only do I believe and have the backing for polygyny being biblically-based, but through much meditation, prayer, and fasting, I realize that this is a desire that I have for myself and my family.

She is devastated.

The more that I pursue knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and the holy spirit's guidance in this, the more I come to the conclusion that I believe that this is God's will for us.

However, she claimss that she is increasingly more resolute that this can't possibly be the case, citing the following as her reasons:

- She doesn't feel it is the direction she wants, therefore it can't be for us.
- She feels like we must be missing something from the Bible.
- She holds that she would be miserable for the rest of her life if there was another woman in the house that I was married to.
- She says her intuition says plural marriage for us has to be wrong.
- She holds that she will never absolve me of the monogamous vows that we made on our wedding day, and that she has every right to do so.

As you can tell, she is rather strong willed (which is not necessarily a bad thing, except that now I think it is starting to make her disrespect my headship over her) I hear and respect each of those reasons, especially the last one, but as my resolve on each of these points is the opposite, I'm not sure how to reason with her anymore.

I think a key part of all of this is that I already have inclinations toward a prospective second wife. I don't want to "muddy the waters" with feelings, but soon after coming to the realization that plural marriage is biblically lawful, I have felt a strong draw toward a specific woman that I have known for a while (disclaimer: even in my mind, I never pursued connection beyond friendship with this woman prior to the realization of biblical plural marriage- and its not just because of physical attraction, there are many reasons why she would make an incredible wife and addition to my family). There are many more details, but I am very aware that "eros love" can "feel like the holy spirit", but there are many reasons that I don't think this me just wanting to live in some "fantasy land" either.

I did not plan on bringing up the fact to my wife that there is someone I have been thinking about, but she asked me outright if there was, so, of course, I told her.

Perhaps it is because she now as an object of contention (the unspecting other woman) working as a catalyst in some way- but I'm just not sure how to handle her (my wife) anymore. I am more in love with her (my wife) than I have ever been, taking more and more seriously how the Bible says a righteous man ought to treat his wife, and learning how to cherishing her heart in all of this, yet it feels like she is spitting in my face by her outright refusal of my desire to have a second wife, and holding our marriage vows over me as a technicality.

Most discussions turn into character assassinations from her, calling all me sorts of things like "selfish, perverted, deceived, demon-possessed," and the like. We have had a couple of really good heart-to-hearts about all this, but by the next time we talk about it, her heart has completely hardened and it feels like all the progress has been lost.

I just dont know how to reconcile what she's feeling with the direction I feel like God is leading me. I have been fasting for five weeks about this (eating one meal a day to keep my strength up at work), and I am moving into my sixth and final week. I am praying nonstop about this, and memorizing tons of scripture. I am asking for guidance and wisdom and I believe I have heard from the holy spirit on multiple occasions concerning this (I know this can be contentious, but I am trying to be very discerning between my voice and the holy spirit right now), but still I feel like I'm running into a brick wall with my wife.

- Am I expecting too much from her to fast? We only started discussing this two months or so ago. Should I try to be more patient, and "play the long-game"?
- I feel strongly that I should talk to woman #2 and see where she is at to know how to move forward, but I don’t want to do so if all I'm feeling is my own personal desire to pursue her. I really want to holy spirit's guidance on this so it doesn't blow up and cause anyone shame (also, my wife has forbidden me to talk to her about this per our marriage vows. I have more-or-less conceded to this request). Is it wiser to just wait and see how the next couple months play out with my wife, or if Im feeling inclined to do so, should I push for talking to woman #2?
- How do I deal with the whole marriage vow issue? I am resolute to stand by my vow until she absolves me of it, but it seems like she is going to just keep holding it over me as a "technicality" as long as she can. I have read all the forums I could find in this matter, but I didn't find any that talk about what to do with a wife who holds to them regardless of what the Bible says about the awfulness of plural marriage.

Sorry it's not just one straight-forward question. I guess I am just looking for advice from people who have gone through this before.

If you got to this point, thank you for taking the time to read this! God bless you all.
Click to expand...
My wife knew about my belief in polygyny when she married me and it still took her 4 years and a lot of turmoil to even start down the road of being willing to consider it.

I don’t know what the Holy Spirit is telling you but here’s what the history says; this woman you are interested in is unlikely to be interested in you. If God is calling you into this then he will bring your wife along but you can’t force her. That has never worked.

You claim a call to polygyny. Awesome. But that means having two wives. Which means keeping the first one. Now maybe you’ve misinterpreted the call. Maybe God wants you take this new woman no matter what, consequences be damned and your current wife can love it or leave it.

I am not mocking that option. I am convinced that there are times that is God’s will. But not often.

The history says that what works is to instantly stop talking to of your wife about this. Even if she brings it up. Begin improving your economic situation. Most of the men I know who have been successful at polygyny have been entrepreneurs. They haven’t all be successful entrepreneurs but I can’t think of one who wasn’t some version of a visionary risk taker.

Then focus on your leadership and taking full control of your home. Your first marriage has to function like a successful plural home before you add the second wife.

Welcome to BibFam! We’re glad to have you! You are at a critical phase in your journey. This is frequently where things fall apart. Be wise! Be strategic. Be the river!

Please form relationships here. They will pay off.
 
bigonlife1981 said:
I was in a similar situation. Especially with the vows. Your priority right now if you wish to keep your current wife and not simply pursue something you have a Godly right to is to Love your wife through this.

Be very clear on your family vision and what God is showing you and very respectful and always addressing her fears and primarily her fear of replacement. Always reassuring her that it is addition and not replacement which means lots of extra reassurance.

Think long game like years not months with your wife and yes this is painful for a man.

I personally wouldn't involve a second heart yet until you have it at least directionally clear with your first wife (assuming you are not wanting to just do what you want at all costs).

But some good news take it slow and listen to God on how to love your wife. I personally hold that a vow is serious before God and even when done in your ignorance you are accountable to it, I know many on here hold that it is irrelevant and that will be up to you. But as it was serious to me a year in my wife and I renewed our vows to suit a plural marriage, bear in mind that she was like your wife to begin with.

We are now in the process of getting her ready to walk it out when and if God brings in another wife.

So there is hope and love will help them change and come into line under your headship.
Click to expand...
I want to echo what BigonLife has said here. I will also add that 2 months is a very short length of time for anyone to get their head wrapped around this idea. That said, the fact that you have another in mind will help your wife believe in the urgency and reality of this as a possibility. From experience, that is a good thing. My wife knew all the technical details about polygny but refused to take it seriously because in her mind, what woman would willing coming into a man's home as a second wife? The thought seemed impossible to her. Cue a woman that was interested in exactly that and suddenly my wife began to deal with her emotions as a first wife for the first time.

In my opinion, it is only when she starts dealing with her emotions for real that any progress will be made. This is your time to be patient and persistent. Do not give false promises! Remember, her tears will reflect her emotions at the moment. Accept the sincerity of the emotion behind the tears. Show her love but remain firm in your stance. And remember, Do not give false promises!
The bible tells husbands to wash their wives in the water of the word of God. As you have been studying this out, make sure you begin to teach her. Go over the sticky passages that most monogamy only people will throw at you. Show her the meaning of those scriptures. She will be online looking up biblical evidence to support her position. Defuse it with the truth. Giver her time to find all the gotcha passages that seem to support her position and give yourself time to work through them with her. This is good for both of you.

And while you are working through all that, remember, Do not give false promises! :)

PS.... I would avoid making ANY promises other than to love her righteously. Your understanding of scripture is also changing. If you get into the habit of making promises during this time, you may have more things to overcome sooner than later.
 
I’m with @The Revolting Man on the reality that the hopeful on your radar is somewhere between slim and none of a possibility. We’ve all had tons of those experiences.

This is the time for personal growth, use it wisely. It took my wife two or three years of growing into the understanding. You’ve only got her entire life’s experience with monogamy that she will need to heal from.
That healing takes time, they ain’t wired like us. Pressure doesn’t create healing, give her plenty of room.
One of my main go-to’s was “At some point this will all make sense to you, we will be fine“.
 
The foundation of leading is being a leader. When you can lead one you can lead 2. Work on leadership/headship. Be careful what you establish by PRECEPT and what you estblish by EXAMPLE. Continue fasting, reaching out, praying, seeking guidance, and witholding from advance until your course is clear and confirmed. You have the rest of your life. But you can only live today once. Bypass the lane that leads to guilt and regret.
 
Stuckinthewoods said:
I am more in love with her (my wife) than I have ever been, taking more and more seriously how the Bible says a righteous man ought to treat his wife, and learning how to cherishing her heart in all of this, yet it feels like she is spitting in my face by her outright refusal of my desire to have a second wife, and holding our marriage vows over me as a technicality.
Click to expand...
There is a lot of good advice in the responses here. I would just sugest that you guard against reacting to her turmoil. Someone said "Be the river" and women need stable guidance, not someone emotional and reactive.
Polygyny will change your lives in big ways. It takes time to wrap your mind and heart around the concept, then it takes time to adapt and grow the new relationships.
Even with my firmly for having a sisterwife there was a lot of changes that I found difficult.
It is good to tell your wife what you appreciate about her. ...especially if or when you have another.
If she is ever open to attending a retreat you can meet families living this way. If she is open to learning this site and it's members are a good resource.
I hope and pray you are blessed and can grow closer to God and each other through learning more about marriage from the Bible.
 
I will just reply to all previous comments here:

Thank you everybody so much for your responses. I am seriously touched that you all took the time to respond to me.

- So much of what everyone said resonates with me, especially where it comes to slowing down and giving her time. I realize now that I was absolutely rushing things, and that it would be unwise to do so.
- God has been revealing to me the importance of being the clear head of the household, and what that means exactly. I always have been "technically", but in many ways, I wasn't fully functioning in that capacity. I have seen many men in my life abuse that headship to manipulate their wife and family for their own selfish intentions, and that is something that, in trying to steer clear of, have missed my calling as a Godly head of the home. I had a really good heart-to-heart conversation with my wife about how we both actually desire me to be more of the clear headship of the familiy, but for various reasons have not seen it happen. I am taking many steps right now to change that, and she can see the changes taking place.
- My wife is an extremely Godly and intelligent woman, and very in-tune with spiritual matters. She's also not afraid to be counter-cultural if it means becoming closer to God. I should not think that she would ultimately chose ignorance in all of this.
- I apprechiate so much the Biblical Family's approach that the goal here is not to sacrifice one marriage for the sake of another. If polygyny means losing my wonderful wife, I don't want it. I am very in-line with the goal of building on the family, rather than destroying it for the sake of bringing on a second wife.

These were some of my biggest takeaways. I apprechiate everyone's responses. Thanks for the therapy session! 😁

Blessings.
 
Stuckinthewoods said:
She's also not afraid to be counter-cultural if it means becoming closer to God.
Click to expand...
The difficulty that most face isn't not fitting in with the world, as Christians we never did. The biggest difficulty is usually the judgement and shunning that you get from family and other Christians. What makes it even harder is that they usually refuse to talk about it, answer your questions, or even consider that you could be anything but a deceived, lust filled, MONSTER, who is just twisting scripture to fulfill your fleshly desires.
It won't matter with most of them how sound your arguments are either. Tryon Edwards said it well. "Prejudice is rarely overcome by argument. Not being founded in reason it cannot be destroyed by logic."

This is what you will be up against, and a lot of it will start long before there is even another woman in the picture.

My husband has at times felt bad knowing his sons have yet another thing to discuss with their potential wives. Two sons are married now.

If you truly value family....your children....and knowing your own faith, this is a net gain, but do count the cost and be prepared for some painful pruning, testing, and the whole process stretching and growing your relationship, and you both in different ways.

Once you see it, you cannot unsee it. Once you have looked at your own heart and found room for someone else.....that place just looks empty until someone is in it.

You might look at the Greek text of the parables Jesus spoke. The king who arranged marriages for his son, and the ten virgins.

Your wife may relate to the "when we became three" blog too. She did such an amazing and articulate job of bring the reader along for emotional processing she went through.


Here is a link.

whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com

Peeling The Onion - Intro

The journey into accepting Plural marriage from a woman’s perspective Life is a funny thing; it is unpredictable and will often throw a curve ball when you least expect it. We can have hopes and dreams for the future- and even make plans to carry them out to reality, BUT when life happens; the...
whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com
 
Joleneakamama said:
The difficulty that most face isn't not fitting in with the world, as Christians we never did. The biggest difficulty is usually the judgement and shunning that you get from family and other Christians. What makes it even harder is that they usually refuse to talk about it, answer your questions, or even consider that you could be anything but a deceived, lust filled, MONSTER, who is just twisting scripture to fulfill your fleshly desires.
It won't matter with most of them how sound your arguments are either. Tryon Edwards said it well. "Prejudice is rarely overcome by argument. Not being founded in reason it cannot be destroyed by logic."

This is what you will be up against, and a lot of it will start long before there is even another woman in the picture.

My husband has at times felt bad knowing his sons have yet another thing to discuss with their potential wives. Two sons are married now.

If you truly value family....your children....and knowing your own faith, this is a net gain, but do count the cost and be prepared for some painful pruning, testing, and the whole process stretching and growing your relationship, and you both in different ways.

Once you see it, you cannot unsee it. Once you have looked at your own heart and found room for someone else.....that place just looks empty until someone is in it.

You might look at the Greek text of the parables Jesus spoke. The king who arranged marriages for his son, and the ten virgins.

Your wife may relate to the "when we became three" blog too. She did such an amazing and articulate job of bring the reader along for emotional processing she went through.


Here is a link.

whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com

Peeling The Onion - Intro

The journey into accepting Plural marriage from a woman’s perspective Life is a funny thing; it is unpredictable and will often throw a curve ball when you least expect it. We can have hopes and dreams for the future- and even make plans to carry them out to reality, BUT when life happens; the...
whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com
Click to expand...
Thank you so much, Jolene. While I certainly apprechiate the perspectives of men, I can't overstate how much I covet the perspective of plural wives in all this. I don't want to move a direction that benefits just me: I see many ways in which it would enrich our lives and push us closer to our life goals. I work full-time, have two side businesses, and we are extremely health-concious and my wife does everything from scratch. With juggling (currently) two kids in the mix, sometimes it feels like we barely have enough time to reset between washing the last dish of the evening and the next day starts all over again. Life is hard, I get it, but I would love to see my wife not so strung-out all the time. Plural marriage almost seems like an answer to prayer in that it would increase the economic output of our household, and free her up for persuts she has always dreamed of.

Yes, I have read the "peeling the onion" blog, it is really touching. Do you know of any other resources/forums of women who see their plural marriage as posative? I hear a lot about men's support of it, but I would love to know beyond a shadow whether or not this could benefit the women involved (of course with the understanding that hard work and pruning in all angles is always in order to make close relationships work, like you mentioned).

Thanks so much!
 
Stuckinthewoods said:
Do you know of any other resources/forums of women who see their plural marriage as posative? I hear a lot about men's support of it, but I would love to know beyond a shadow whether or not this could benefit the women involved
Click to expand...
 
Stuckinthewoods said:
I work full-time, have two side businesses, and we are extremely health-conscious and my wife does everything from scratch.
Click to expand...

Recurring themes for successful poly families. ;)

Stuckinthewoods said:
Plural marriage almost seems like an answer to prayer in that it would increase the economic output of our household, and free her up for (pursuits) she has always dreamed of.
Click to expand...

Okay, right here you are stating a practical reason for seeking a plural and this is also a recurring theme for successful poly families. No kidding, it is NOT selfish to add a plural so she can help with the household and the family! There are women out there who need this in their lives to feel meaningful.

You help her by providing her with a home and by allowing her to make meaningful contributions to your family and she helps you and your wife by doing things neither of you has time to do. Very prudent and very practical.
 
I am not at all going to assert a cause and effect relationship here but our new friend @Stuckinthewoods pointed out something I had never consciously considered until he mentioned it:

Scratch cooking.

It isn't so much a requirement for success but maybe it is an indicator that a woman is willing to put more of her own effort and her own skill into perhaps mundane tasks.

Interesting. Thank you for this interesting insight SITW!!! ;)
 
Stuckinthewoods said:
I work full-time, have two side businesses, and we are extremely health-concious and my wife does everything from scratch. With juggling (currently) two kids in the mix, sometimes it feels like we barely have enough time to reset between washing the last dish of the evening and the next day starts all over again.
Click to expand...
Do you even have time for one wife, nevermind two?

If situation moves from barely seeing wife to practically never seeing wife, why would first wife accept this?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top