Figuring out your place… why is this so difficult for us? But this has been my experience as well.
I think this may resonate with other first wives, but at least for me personally, part of it is that I had experience.... a lot of years of it......as an only wife. We had countless days, weeks, memories.....memories of good times, bad times....hot times.....but in all that experience there was just one wife in that picture.
Even liking the idea for 20 years ....and imagining the unfathomable crazy possibility of another woman wanting to be a second wife and (equally hard to imagine) being the kind of fit with us that would make my serious and cautious husband willing to actually still his neck out and risk rejection.....and then face the social fallout....
....none of that imagining will take the place of actually talking, sharing, talking about possibly awkward subjects.....or just time needed to learn that new member of the family. How can you express your needs without making someone feel bad, communicate appreciation, express affection, be support? What are the expectations? How can I help you with your baby? When would I be overstepping with your baby?
I love spending time together, but find that I also like visiting time with both my sw and hubby alone too.
The questions and areas of uncertainty have just happened. What should you do if you walk in on an intimate conversation or walk in on them kissing (or more?) Walk out? Stay? When are you intruding and when are you welcome? ....because until that imaginary person became a real flesh and blood part of your family there was no one there in your family that could do that to you.
This is a NEW situation a NEW EXPERIENCE and NOT ONE THAT MONOGAMY PREPARED YOU FOR!
We locked the kids out, they learned to knock or better yet leave us alone in our room.....but when you are sharing a room, or bathroom....having clarity on some of these issues is nice.
You have some aspects that are kind of like when people are 'dating' in that there is a degree of feeling the other person out. There is give and take, but also trying to read each other....or figure out (this is HUGE for me) THE INTENT OR EMOTION BEHIND THE WORDS OR ACTIONS.
I hate assumptions....I like just hearing in plain words what someone thinks or feels....but guess what? I am really lousy at talking about my own feelings at all!
So I'm sure there is as many relationship dynamic variations as there are relationships. ...but that is what my tired brain can come up with at the moment.