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Joining a family vs becoming one with a family.

I think the best option is for everyone to live together, though that might not always be ideal. But I know for myself that if I am around someone more, the more fellow feeling and empathy I have towards them and their situation.
However, each family is unique and has different needs. I do not believe there will ever be a one-size fits all situation for a family. Every one has different personality and is affected by things differently. The person who knows everyone and what is best for them is God so in my opinion it's best to pray and follow his counsel on what suits your family best rather than follow any general consensus.
 
steve said:
There are different styles of families that I have noticed.
Some have what I see as free-range wives , maybe living in the same house but mostly not. Usually a core family with sister wives that are pretty much self-supporting/sufficient. These families don’t always have a need for the same core values, goals, and world views. (I’ve seen monogamous marriages that operate this way.)
The other end of the spectrum is one where the husband has a vision/goal where it’s like a flock of geese that just naturally works together without a second thought. They find food and shelter as a group without even discussing it. They fly south in the late fall and they just naturally fly in a pattern eases the burden of the member that is behind them, changing the lead at intervals to give the one out front a break.

What does your dream family look like?
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This is a good thing to think about, I think the ideal would be a family where all members were submitted to the true Messiah and operating in obedience to him, by that biblical roles were taught, understood and followed. Dad would be a well respected head of the home and be diligent in executing the will of God for his body, made known to him in the path established through his faith and obedience. I think in a healthy household there would be both a degree of freedom and a degree of service requiring faithful submission to direct commands. I think its a wonderful idea to have all members of a mans household where sensible, in the same structure if possible but I think what is needed is that they are all operating as members of the same body regardless of living arrangements, some situations would make unity much harder. Ideally I hope to have have land where multiple generations could live on if the Lord directs certain children to do so as I think there is great strength in generations working together. I have long prayed that the Lord would join a woman to me that had a godly family that was healthy to be part of if it be his will, I desire and strive to provide that family structure for my children and their spouses and my grandchildren that we might serve in a great capacity our Lord and brothers and sisters, building and strengthening the household of Jesus Christ and city of God
 
@Mslady1333, not knowing any more about your situation than you have briefly shared here, it would be unwise to give more detailed advice than to pray and seek God's will - which sounds cliched, but is true.

However, I would strongly suggest you meet up with the ladies, starting with joining one of the ladies chats, make a friend you feel you can go into more detail about this with, and then talk at length with someone about it. Talking it through may bring great clarity.
 
NBTX11 said:
Call upon God in your time of need and he will help you.

Psalm 22:19
But You, O Lord, do not be far from Me;
O My Strength, hasten to help Me!

If it is right in every other way, other than the schooling issue, I recommend you find a way. This could be the opportunity that God is sending you. Could you be a long distance wife for a while until you can figure things out? Maybe y'all can go back and forth several days a week to be together. I spent time away from my women for a while after we married while they worked to tie up loose ends at their previous home.
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I have sold my home in my hometown, I have converted my current house from buying to renting from the owner. We used to spend weekends, spring break and such at the home spending family time together. They would come to my house and spend all day in prayer, meal and fellowship some weekends. It never seemed to be an issue.

I just can not make myself uproot my kids in their future plans when it is my job to guide them to their futures. How selfish to put myself above them when they were trusted to me to guide? If they were in elementary or middle school, we would move at the request. But high school is the last foundation for plans they have have taken specific classes and steps for their future education. Am I to tell them “Moms new marriage and moving is more important than your future plans. Get over it and we will figure out a new path for you.” ??

Thank you for your input and prayers.
 
FollowingHim said:
@Mslady1333, not knowing any more about your situation than you have briefly shared here, it would be unwise to give more detailed advice than to pray and seek God's will - which sounds cliched, but is true.

However, I would strongly suggest you meet up with the ladies, starting with joining one of the ladies chats, make a friend you feel you can go into more detail about this with, and then talk at length with someone about it. Talking it through may bring great clarity.
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Thank you, I will do that.
 
As a truck driver who goes a month or more without seeing my family, I don’t see an issue with long distance relationships.

Further thought:
The reason for the distance isn’t permanent.
 
One of the things I learned from Steve and his family was the value of having a goal or family Mission that the family worked on together. This was a great learning lesson for me on my journey. I don't think I would fit into a family that didn't operate this way. Thanks Steve
 
Mslady1333 said:
I have been wanting to address this but haven’t had the right frame of mind to do it. It seems I have missed my opportunity, if you want to call it that, to be a second wife and it has been eating me up.

We all got along and my kids loved them both. But, they are teens in high school and it all fell apart when I refused to uproot them in his Jr and her Freshman year and move 45 mins to the home. My kids are very active in school and have to be there at 5:30am and sometimes until 7pm. We currently live 2 miles from the school verses the 40miles to the home. I begged to wait on moving, remodeling the home; which would be a chore since two rooms would need to be added. But alas, it crumbled because I wasn’t willing to move my kids to a school that doesn’t offer what they are already set up in for their future paths.

My question is, should I give up? I have prayed for Yah to break the soul tie with this man, but it is still strong in me that a future could happen after my kids move out in two years. Should I ask for the time and plead my case yet again or move on?

Advice and prayers appreciated for this burden of my heart and spirit.
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It sounds like everything worked out for the best. You both had different priorities and and incompatible goals. It’s not a tragedy and everyone did right to stick to stick to what was important to them. It would have just ended badly or led to bitterness otherwise.

Maybe check in with him after the kids graduate and see where things stand.
 
@The Revolting Man, we had been reading the term "soul tie" as a euphemism for sex, given the popular Christian cultural usage of that phrase, so were assuming this situation was more serious than you appear to be interpreting it. This may have been a misunderstanding.
Mslady1333 said:
I have prayed for Yah to break the soul tie with this man
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@Mslady1333, if you would like to clarify whether you have slept together so we can ensure we offer scripturally correct advice that would be helpful, but feel free to keep this information for private discussions if you would prefer.
 
Priorities. Which is more important- the high school experience or the soul-tie? 40 miles is just not that far- that has been my daily commute for years. In this case I think you can have your cake and eat it too. Get a burner car and drive the wheels off and then have hubs put 'em back on. A little honda would be good for that.
 
FollowingHim said:
@The Revolting Man, we had been reading the term "soul tie" as a euphemism for sex, given the popular Christian cultural usage of that phrase, so were assuming this situation was more serious than you appear to be interpreting it. This may have been a misunderstanding.

@Mslady1333, if you would like to clarify whether you have slept together so we can ensure we offer scripturally correct advice that would be helpful, but feel free to keep this information for private discussions if you would prefer.
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Maddog said:
Priorities. Which is more important- the high school experience or the soul-tie? 40 miles is just not that far- that has been my daily commute for years. In this case I think you can have your cake and eat it too. Get a burner car and drive the wheels off and then have hubs put 'em back on. A little honda would be good for that.
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I have a 22 Hyundai that has over 100k miles from me driving back and forth for over a year. It isn’t the high school experience I am talking about. It is their plans and future. It is also the fact that their house doesn’t have room for everyone, my son slept on a couch for over a year when we went there to spend the weekend. Not a great ideal situation for a 16 yr old male to have to get up and move somewhere else when us older folks wanted the living room at 6am. The two years would allow my son to be gone to boot camp next year and then my daughter off to the dorms at culinary school. It would be just me moving in and there is plenty of room for that.
 
Maddog said:
Priorities. Which is more important- the high school experience or the soul-tie? 40 miles is just not that far- that has been my daily commute for years. In this case I think you can have your cake and eat it too. Get a burner car and drive the wheels off and then have hubs put 'em back on. A little honda would be good for that.
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This is the best advice that I have seen. I'm brand new around here so was reluctant to say it myself. I'm glad you said it for me. Our responsibility is to guide our children, not follow them.
 
Mslady1333 said:
I have a 22 Hyundai that has over 100k miles from me driving back and forth for over a year. It isn’t the high school experience I am talking about. It is their plans and future. It is also the fact that their house doesn’t have room for everyone, my son slept on a couch for over a year when we went there to spend the weekend. Not a great ideal situation for a 16 yr old male to have to get up and move somewhere else when us older folks wanted the living room at 6am. The two years would allow my son to be gone to boot camp next year and then my daughter off to the dorms at culinary school. It would be just me moving in and there is plenty of room for that.
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I responded to another comment prior to seeing this. If he isn't prepared to make room for a second wife he isn't ready for a second wife. If he's not willing to make room for your children then I would question his ability to be dedicated to the well being of your children.

When Yahshua HaMashiach departed his disciples he told them "I go to prepare a place for you in the house of my father". They understood this because they were familiar with marriage practices of the time.

When a man chose a bride he went to her father and got the approval required. Then she was called outside and the bridegroom to be would ask her to become his wife. If she agreed he would go prepare a place for her in the house of his father. Meanwhile she burned a candle in her window day and night to tell other men that she has been claimed. She proved her dedication by never allowing that candle to be extinguished.

The man's responsibility was to go back to the family home and build more rooms onto his father's house or build a separate house. Either way was a acceptable but it was not acceptable to give her the couch, throw his jacket on the ground to make room on the bed or any other half cocked excuse to get her under his roof without earning it.

He did not return until everything was ready for her, he didn't give her status updates. She knew not the day or the hour when he would return. She had to be ready 24/7 until the day came. See the parable of the virgins for more insight.

Opinions are like armpits, everyone has them and most of them stink. My armpits stink sometimes as well. I'm not offended if you think they stink today. I wish you blessings either way.
 
I have two things here that I agree with one being you speak of a soul tie with this man. Did you sleep together ie have a one flesh union with him because if so imho you are then a wife and you two have an obligation to make it work. Secondly, I agree with what was previously said about how in order to be ready for a second wife this man should have made plans ahead of time to have additional people in his house. Also, is it feasible for you and your children to stay somewhere else but local to this family? Also, no offense but it sounds like your children are running your life instead of you being the adult and saying this is what is going to happen and you need to fall in step. Your children will get over it they aren’t small children or babies as teenagers they need to learn to cope with unforeseen changes or the world will eat them alive.
 
theleastofthese said:
@Mslady1333 I'm curious who decided this little of a distance needed to be a deal breaker? Sorry if I missed something. Couldn't you both just stay where you are for the time being and continue to visit one another until your life situations change in two years?
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It was not me and I doubt it was all him.
ASyers41 said:
I have two things here that I agree with one being you speak of a soul tie with this man. Did you sleep together ie have a one flesh union with him because if so imho you are then a wife and you two have an obligation to make it work. Secondly, I agree with what was previously said about how in order to be ready for a second wife this man should have made plans ahead of time to have additional people in his house. Also, is it feasible for you and your children to stay somewhere else but local to this family? Also, no offense but it sounds like your children are running your life instead of you being the adult and saying this is what is going to happen and you need to fall in step. Your children will get over it they aren’t small children or babies as teenagers they need to learn to cope with unforeseen changes or the world will eat them alive.
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Yes we did and I disagree with my kids running my life. I believe they were my responsibility to raise and guide them to move on to their adult life and make their own paths. I did not spring teenagers on them out of the blue. I made my position on moving them to a severely lower school clear. Am I really to downgrade their education and their future over two years and 40 miles that had been working for over a year?? I am assuming you would look your children in the eye and say this is where I want to go and suck it up because your future we have planned will be ruined because I can’t wait two years so I’m going to be selfish and your going to follow me!!

Nevermind, I see I was wrong to ask guidance on patience while being a guiding mother and trying to preserve a relationship that I broke an eight celibacy for in promises of a wedding ceremony after a gift was given to me. I see now it was not worth trying to be a mother and I need to wait until I am alone in my home to try to find someone again.

Be blessed and I will figure it out. Shalom to you
 
I was simply saying life is not fair and you are one flesh with him so there is an obligation on both parties to make a marriage work. I was simply trying to give ideas as to how you might be able to gain a solution. You are a wife and there are obligations when you take a wife spelled out in Scripture for him just as there are scriptural obligations you have as a wife. I am not saying uproot entirely but maybe there is a solution where your son is not sleeping on a couch or you have to uproot your children but when you became a wife you made a covenant to your husband and sorry but a marriage covenant is a serious thing. If he has not given you a bill of divorcement then you are still a wife until he does such. It also needs to be in writing from him. I am sorry if I came across as harsh or anything like that but you have sealed a one flesh union and therefore you are both still married to one another scripturally if he has not presented you with a bill of divorcement.
 
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