Joining a family vs becoming one with a family.

[FollowingHim2]

These aren't little kids. It's only 2 years until they're gone. 2 years of having a long distance relationship, going back and forth. It's very temporary. I don't see that this should be an issue.
I also don't see why she should have to uproot her children like that when they are so close to leaving home. It's impractical.
I'm wondering if the long distance thing was an excuse, rather than being a deal breaker itself. Why is it up to her to make it work? Why isn't he? Why can't he come and stay with her sometimes? Why can't he do things long distance for a very short amount of time? If he was really committed he would make it work instead of calling it off.

 

[FollowingHim]

This is not about the distance. That is an excuse. Don't focus on the distance, it's a red herring being thrown out by the husband in the hope of avoiding discussing the real issue, whatever it is. Of course they can easily make it work for that time, if all three of them wanted to. The question is, why are they (the three of them - husband and BOTH wives) not making it work? How is each of those people contributing to this?

Quite likely the person who may be most influential, actually needs the most support here, and who would most greatly benefit from talking to the ladies, is actually the one person nobody is discussing - the first wife.

 

[Mslady1333]

I was simply saying life is not fair and you are one flesh with him so there is an obligation on both parties to make a marriage work. I was simply trying to give ideas as to how you might be able to gain a solution. You are a wife and there are obligations when you take a wife spelled out in Scripture for him just as there are scriptural obligations you have as a wife. I am not saying uproot entirely but maybe there is a solution where your son is not sleeping on a couch or you have to uproot your children but when you became a wife you made a covenant to your husband and sorry but a marriage covenant is a serious thing. If he has not given you a bill of divorcement then you are still a wife until he does such. It also needs to be in writing from him. I am sorry if I came across as harsh or anything like that but you have sealed a one flesh union and therefore you are both still married to one another scripturally if he has not presented you with a bill of divorcement.

Thank you, I am mot the one that ended anything, I assumed we were all good with me being down the road. We spent summer, school holidays, every weekend out at their home. I want to fulfill the obligation I agreed to and agree with you that it needs to be settled. It was not harsh, it was your honest opinion, and I asked for it. I appreciate it, I am in my feelings about it because I miss him and what was.

 

[NBTX11]

I want to fulfill the obligation I agreed to

You HAVE to fulfill the obligation you agreed to with your body. Let me repeat, you (and him) have to. There is no other option. You became one flesh, if I am reading between the lines correctly. If he is totally against any solution, you're only recourse is to ask him for a bill of divorcement. If he gives you one is up to him, but if he doesn't then you can't be with another man. Ever.

 

[FollowingHim]

@NBTX11, things can be true, but also unhelpful to say bluntly to an upset woman in this context. I'm not meaning to pick on you specifically, this is just a great opportunity for an illustration, so please bear with me using your above post to illustrate something.

This is a marriage support forum, and we are talking to a hurting, emotional woman. In person, this sort of conversation would be held sitting close to each other - on a couch for instance - where everything that was said was tempered and explained further by tone of speech, facial expression and body language. On the other hand, words shouted across a street are not tempered by any of that, as the person is too far away to see it. When we write things on this forum, as no body language is visible, it comes across the same as if those words were shouted across the street.

What @NBTX11 said above would be perfectly fine, word for word, said slowly, calmly and lovingly to a woman who was crying on the couch beside you, as it would be tempered by all of that, and any misunderstanding would be immediately explained.

On the other hand, if those exact same words were shouted across the street at you, it would feel similar to having someone throw rocks at you. That is not at all his intent, but is unfortunately how it comes across on first glance.

And that is the primary reason why people sometimes come here looking for support, and give up and run away without receiving any - because words that people said intending them to be loving and constructive, were perceived as lecturing insults and pushed them away. Usually entirely unintentionally.

Remember that you are basically "shouting across the street" when you write things here (since you're a stranger and body language is invisible). When dealing with real-world marriage problems, please temper the way you say things accordingly, so that if an emotionally charged person was to hear them being shouted across the street they would still take them as intended.

 

[FollowingHim2]

You HAVE to fulfill the obligation you agreed to with your body. Let me repeat, you (and him) have to. There is no other option. You became one flesh, if I am reading between the lines correctly. If he is totally against any solution, you're only recourse is to ask him for a bill of divorcement. If he gives you one is up to him, but if he doesn't then you can't be with another man. Ever.

From the other point of view:

He HAS to fulfill the obligation he agreed to with his body. Let me repeat, he (and you) have to. There is no other option.

He made the commitment just as much as she did. He made this decision just as much as she did. And instead of working with her and compromising he's calling it off.

We spent summer, school holidays, every weekend out at their home.

Why did he not come and see you. Why is it always you going and seeing him?

 

[theleastofthese]

@Mslady1333 Would it be possible to have the husband and wife come to the forums? If they're not already here. The husband in particular. Would he be open to council from some of the men here? I'm sure it could be done in private. I'm also certain that some of the more experienced ladies could help support you and the first wife as well.

 

[Mslady1333]

You HAVE to fulfill the obligation you agreed to with your body. Let me repeat, you (and him) have to. There is no other option. You became one flesh, if I am reading between the lines correctly. If he is totally against any solution, you're only recourse is to ask him for a bill of divorcement. If he gives you one is up to him, but if he doesn't then you can't be with another man. Ever.

This is why I was seeking advice on what to do. To keep asking, basically begging for a resolution, solution or something. It is binding me to him and if it has to end on his side, let that happen. I am still treating my body, mind and spirit as a married woman. Not that I want it to end by any means, but his will be done.

 

[Mslady1333]

From the other point of view:

He HAS to fulfill the obligation he agreed to with his body. Let me repeat, he (and you) have to. There is no other option.

He made the commitment just as much as she did. He made this decision just as much as she did. And instead of working with her and compromising he's calling it off.



Why did he not come and see you. Why is it always you going and seeing him?

My home is between his work and his home. On Tuesdays only, he would stop by and spend the evening from 4pm to around 7pm at my house and then had to go home. They did come to my kid's school football games, my daughter is in marching band, to the choir concerts for both kids, and orchestra concerts for my daughter. We went to their granddaughters basketball games and such as well.

 

[steve]

This is why I was seeking advice on what to do. To keep asking, basically begging for a resolution, solution or something. It is binding me to him and if it has to end on his side, let that happen. I am still treating my body, mind and spirit as a married woman. Not that I want it to end by any means, but his will be done.

Hang in there, it looks like all y’all are going through a rough spot that we really didn’t understand. We got our exercise jumping to some conclusions.
It sounds like you guys have some good history, focus on building on it rather than letting the worst case scenario play out.

 

[NBTX11]

He HAS to fulfill the obligation he agreed to with his body. Let me repeat, he (and you) have to. There is no other option.

He made the commitment just as much as she did. He made this decision just as much as she did. And instead of working with her and compromising he's calling it off.

I agree with you. It's on him too. If I gave the impression it was solely on her, then that isn't accurate.

 

[NBTX11]

@NBTX11, things can be true, but also unhelpful to say bluntly to an upset woman in this context. I'm not meaning to pick on you specifically, this is just a great opportunity for an illustration, so please bear with me using your above post to illustrate something.

This is a marriage support forum, and we are talking to a hurting, emotional woman. In person, this sort of conversation would be held sitting close to each other - on a couch for instance - where everything that was said was tempered and explained further by tone of speech, facial expression and body language. On the other hand, words shouted across a street are not tempered by any of that, as the person is too far away to see it. When we write things on this forum, as no body language is visible, it comes across the same as if those words were shouted across the street.

What @NBTX11 said above would be perfectly fine, word for word, said slowly, calmly and lovingly to a woman who was crying on the couch beside you, as it would be tempered by all of that, and any misunderstanding would be immediately explained.

On the other hand, if those exact same words were shouted across the street at you, it would feel similar to having someone throw rocks at you. That is not at all his intent, but is unfortunately how it comes across on first glance.

And that is the primary reason why people sometimes come here looking for support, and give up and run away without receiving any - because words that people said intending them to be loving and constructive, were perceived as lecturing insults and pushed them away. Usually entirely unintentionally.

Remember that you are basically "shouting across the street" when you write things here (since you're a stranger and body language is invisible). When dealing with real-world marriage problems, please temper the way you say things accordingly, so that if an emotionally charged person was to hear them being shouted across the street they would still take them as intended.

You're right. I was trying to help and put things very bluntly.

 

[MemeFan]

I would like to remind you all that we have here only one perspective. Highly likely we are only hearing one part of story.

I don't claim @Mslady1333 is lying or deceiving. From my own experince it's very easy to leave out "bad facts" even when not trying. Just human nature trying to look good.

 

[MemeFan]

This is why I was seeking advice on what to do. To keep asking, basically begging for a resolution, solution or something. It is binding me to him and if it has to end on his side, let that happen. I am still treating my body, mind and spirit as a married woman. Not that I want it to end by any means, but his will be done.

Does he considers himself married to you? Do you have any reason why he is avoiding more commitment (if true)? Have you talked about your children or maybe some official ceremony?