Wife is demanding a 3rd Party

[davidthebuilder]

Good morning everyone,

Long time lurker first time poster. I’ve been married 2.5 years and have two children with my wife. I introduced the truth of Polygyny to her about a year ago and it’s been rocky to say the least.

When we got married, she told me that she wanted scripture to be the center of our marriage and that she wanted a patriarchal marriage. I agreed. I did not know scripture made no moral difference between polygyny and monogamy at the time, otherwise I would have told her my desire to pursue it before we married.

I made a vow of monogamy to her which I intend on keeping unless she absolves me, however she knows I desire Polygyny and wants me to give up that desire. She has told me she will absolve me of the vow on condition of her divorcing me, as she will not be a part of a polygynous household.

I have shown her scripture, she has read BP’s article, but she refuses to believe it’s correct. She believes that I am wrong and other pastors who argue against it are right. She has recently asked we speak to a third party on this, someone with experience and authority, as she does not trust me on this topic.

I want to honor God and the desires he put within me, but not at the expense of blowing up the family I currently have. At the same time, I know she’s in rebellion and I’ve told her as much, but she believes she’s in the right no matter what I try to show her.

Any counsel you all have would be a blessing to me. Thank you all.

 

[Mark C]

By definition, any "knowledgeable pastor" would HAVE to recognize the Truth concerning marriage, and that without question that includes polygyny.

You have a Catch-22, and it's been set up.

There are plenty of us, here and elsewhere, who can make the point, forcefully and undeniably, from Scripture. Until she is able to honestly recognize that, any "third party" is nothing but a Trojan Horse.

 

[davidthebuilder]

By definition, any "knowledgeable pastor" would HAVE to recognize the Truth concerning marriage, and that without question that includes polygyny.

You have a Catch-22, and it's been set up.

There are plenty of us, here and elsewhere, who can make the point, forcefully and undeniably, from Scripture. Until she is able to honestly recognize that, any "third party" is nothing but a Trojan Horse.

Yes I agree. I have attempted to communicate that to her as well to similar results.

I have been praying for God to change her heart and haven’t moved or conceded when the issue comes up. Not sure if I need to be doing more.

 

[Mark C]

Yes, I suggest an entirely different approach. But I will have to suggest it privately. PM if you'd like.

 

[ASyers41]

So this might sound controversial coming from a wife but here goes:
The answer to a third party is No. As MarkC said it’s a Trojan Horse. If this has been a back and forth for over a year and she is threatening divorce call her bluff and scripturally speaking she can’t divorce you as she would be committing adultery.
Exercise your headship and say No we are pursuing polygyny. Honestly it will probably take years to find a second wife. This will give her time to grow, learn and adjust.

 

[davidthebuilder]

Yes, I suggest an entirely different approach. But I will have to suggest it privately. PM if you'd like.

You are welcome to PM me. I attempted to PM you and it did not work.

 

[davidthebuilder]

So this might sound controversial coming from a wife but here goes:
The answer to a third party is No. As MarkC said it’s a Trojan Horse. If this has been a back and forth for over a year and she is threatening divorce call her bluff and scripturally speaking she can’t divorce you as she would be committing adultery.
Exercise your headship and say No we are pursuing polygyny. Honestly it will probably take years to find a second wife. This will give her time to grow, learn and adjust.

I would love to do this, however I made a vow to her and I don’t know if that’s still binding or not. If it is, I must uphold it. But the desire won’t go away. It’s the desire she wants gone.

 

[ASyers41]

Many first wives here will tell you it took a long time for them to get onboard. The desire won’t go away if that’s what God is wanting you to pursue.
I would even recommend videos from Pete Rambo with his wife Kelly and their testimony of coming to polygyny as his wife was dead set against it and they do have a second wife now for going on 2 years.

 

[davidthebuilder]

Good morning everyone,

Long time lurker first time poster. I’ve been married 2.5 years and have two children with my wife. I introduced the truth of Polygyny to her about a year ago and it’s been rocky to say the least.

When we got married, she told me that she wanted scripture to be the center of our marriage and that she wanted a patriarchal marriage. I agreed. I did not know scripture made no moral difference between polygyny and monogamy at the time, otherwise I would have told her my desire to pursue it before we married.

I made a vow of monogamy to her which I intend on keeping unless she absolves me, however she knows I desire Polygyny and wants me to give up that desire. She has told me she will absolve me of the vow on condition of her divorcing me, as she will not be a part of a polygynous household.

I have shown her scripture, she has read BP’s article, but she refuses to believe it’s correct. She believes that I am wrong and other pastors who argue against it are right. She has recently asked we speak to a third party on this, someone with experience and authority, as she does not trust me on this topic.

I want to honor God and the desires he put within me, but not at the expense of blowing up the family I currently have. At the same time, I know she’s in rebellion and I’ve told her as much, but she believes she’s in the right no matter what I try to show her.

Any counsel you all have would be a blessing to me. Thank you all.

Thank you all for your help so far.

 

[steve]

Seriously, one year is nothing when it comes to wives accepting this truth.
Just keep praying for her and being the husband that you should be. Stop bringing up the subject, she knows what you think. I told my wife that she would eventually get it, and didn’t push it. She did later understand in something like 2.5-3 years.

The reality is that you are one more person in the widening pool of people who have the truth on the subject. If all you ever accomplish is being that brick in the wall, consider yourself blessed. Don’t let it blow up your marriage of principle.

 

[davidthebuilder]

Seriously, one year is nothing when it comes to wives accepting this truth.
Just keep praying for her and being the husband that you should be. Stop bringing up the subject, she knows what you think. I told my wife that she would eventually get it, and didn’t push it. She did later understand in something like 2.5-3 years.

The reality is that you are one more person in the widening pool of people who have the truth on the subject. If all you ever accomplish is being that brick in the wall, consider yourself blessed. Don’t let it blow up your marriage of principle.

Understood.

 

[steve]

Btw; newly minted members here don’t have the ability to send or receive messages for a minimum amount of time/interaction with the site.

 

[FollowingHim]

My honest advice is that you should drop this issue entirely.

You've only been married for 2 1/2 years. That's nothing. Enjoy the wife God has given you, and build a solid marriage with her. If you were to take another wife in the short term, your current wife would leave - wrongly, but because it would simply be too emotionally difficult for her. Which is understandable.

You need many more years of being united with each other to be sound enough to weather trials like this.

Also, this passion for polygamy is a phase, and will pass. Each of us, when we find out it is permissible, go through a period of time where we are intensely interested in it. Some men foolishly make dumb decisions during that phase, and ruin their lives, but the wise move through it without acting rashly. The emotions and the feeling that they must mean a calling from God will fade, as you come to more greatly appreciate the wife that you have. Eventually you will see this as something you COULD do, but which is not essential, and that you'd be quite happy to never do, but are open to if God leads.

At that point you will be able to carefully evaluate any opportunity that arises and make more rational decisions about whether to act on it.

Polygamy is absolutely permissible. Had you made the foolish error of sleeping with another woman, I'd be telling you "you're a polygamist" and encouraging you to do everything you can to honour the obligations you have to both. But the likelihood of one leaving and you being left a monogamist again would be extremely high, we'd just help you make them as low as possible. You are far better off not being in that situation at all, and having the wonderful opportunity to build a marriage that is not shaken by such trials.

A man who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the Lord. You have a wife. She is a good thing. Enjoy her and build a life with her.

 

[steve]

Almost every single thing that we learn about in the Word requires action on our part

This is not one of them.
Yes, acceptance of this truth is required, but our knee jerk reaction to act on it is not correct.
Ps. It’s a common problem, most of us have been there and are still recovering.

 

[theleastofthese]

Enjoy the wife God has given you, and build a solid marriage with her. If you were to take another wife in the short term, your current wife would leave - wrongly, but because it would simply be too emotionally difficult for her. Which is understandable

This times 1,000!

Also, there needs to be a transitioning period between discovering the "truth" that polygyny isn't sinful and actually discussing the idea for your own marriage.

Even as an unmarried woman, who saw the beauty of polygyny immediately, I'd have reacted terribly to the idea being incorporated into my own life at the time. If I were married, my reaction would have been the same as your wife @davidthebuilder and the same as most other first wives. Even after discovering it wasn't sinful, I didn't think it was something I'd ever pursue. This is why time is so important.

Polygyny can open our eyes to many "truths." But it can't possibly be the only truth we've discovered. Begin by implementing some of those other truths into your marriage first and giving that time to settle in. That way, in the future, you'll have a solid foundation for discussions such as these.

 

[davidthebuilder]

My honest advice is that you should drop this issue entirely.

You've only been married for 2 1/2 years. That's nothing. Enjoy the wife God has given you, and build a solid marriage with her. If you were to take another wife in the short term, your current wife would leave - wrongly, but because it would simply be too emotionally difficult for her. Which is understandable.

You need many more years of being united with each other to be sound enough to weather trials like this.

Also, this passion for polygamy is a phase, and will pass. Each of us, when we find out it is permissible, go through a period of time where we are intensely interested in it. Some men foolishly make dumb decisions during that phase, and ruin their lives, but the wise move through it without acting rashly. The emotions and the feeling that they must mean a calling from God will fade, as you come to more greatly appreciate the wife that you have. Eventually you will see this as something you COULD do, but which is not essential, and that you'd be quite happy to never do, but are open to if God leads.

At that point you will be able to carefully evaluate any opportunity that arises and make more rational decisions about whether to act on it.

Polygamy is absolutely permissible. Had you made the foolish error of sleeping with another woman, I'd be telling you "you're a polygamist" and encouraging you to do everything you can to honour the obligations you have to both. But the likelihood of one leaving and you being left a monogamist again would be extremely high, we'd just help you make them as low as possible. You are far better off not being in that situation at all, and having the wonderful opportunity to build a marriage that is not shaken by such trials.

A man who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the Lord. You have a wife. She is a good thing. Enjoy her and build a life with her.

Thank you very much. I am aware I’m in what the Calvinists call “Cage Stage” regarding this truth.

I appreciate you all helping me off the ledge so to speak, and the understanding of where I’m at. Really I started this to help keep me from making foolish decisions.

I accept your wisdom that waiting is probably the best bet. And continually praying that her heart be changed.

Thank you again.

 

[davidthebuilder]

This times 1,000!

Also, there needs to be a transitioning period between discovering the "truth" that polygyny isn't sinful and actually discussing the idea for your own marriage.

Even as an unmarried woman, who saw the beauty of polygyny immediately, I'd have reacted terribly to the idea being incorporated into my own life at the time. If I were married, my reaction would have been the same as your wife @davidthebuilder and the same as most other first wives. Even after discovering it wasn't sinful, I didn't think it was something I'd ever pursue. This is why time is so important.

Polygyny can open our eyes to many "truths." But it can't possibly be the only truth we've discovered. Begin by implementing some of those other truths into your marriage first and giving that time to settle in. That way, in the future, you'll have a solid foundation for discussions such as these.

What are some other truths that are more palatable that you recommend I look into?

 

[The Revolting Man]

You ARE NOT going to be polygynous any time soon. Set the desire aside. Tell your wife this:

“I love you and I will never give up being your husband. We were married under a vow of monogamy and I will honor that vow. I will not pursue polygyny while that vow is in effect and I will not attempt to get you to renounce that vow.

I cannot however lie to you about God and what He says. I believe that polygyny is allowed in scripture and I can’t just unbelieve that. This belief will not affect you or our marriage because it is not something that I will pursue for myself. But if you can not accept that I believe something that you do not then you will have decide how you will handle that. I can not be swayed on the topic.

And I will not be a part to bringing an outsider into our marriage. You don’t want another woman in our marriage and I don’t want another man in our marriage. There will be no discussion or debate on this. My mind is made up on the acceptability of polygyny before God and the destructive outcomes that will result from giving another man authority over me or my family.”

THEN DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN.

Don’t all about it. Don’t discuss it. Don’t tell her that cool new truths you’re learning. Don’t point out that poly could have solved this situation, or would benefit that situation.

DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN.

She eventually will. You will need to be ready to NOT respond when she does. Don’t respond the second time she brings it up.

The third time she brings it up act exasperated and ask if she really wants to talk about it. Then don’t.

Eventually she will pitch a temper tantrum and demand to talk about it. Don’t fall for it.

At some point she will capitulate. She will deflate. She will get tired of how worked up she’s been about it. Then you can start looking for ways to talk about it with her.

Or you could blow the whole marriage up and hope you do better with your next first wife. Just remember, the first step to having two wives is keeping the first one. If she’s worth keeping….

 

[theleastofthese]

What are some other truths that are more palatable that you recommend I look into?

If you're asking marriage wise, hopefully some of the more experienced people here can answer that for you. That's a great question though and maybe even needs it's own thread

For me it was mostly about unlearning and relearning what i'd been taught and changing my mindset about submission in general.

 

[davidthebuilder]

You ARE NOT going to be polygynous any time soon. Set the desire aside. Tell your wife this:

“I love you and I will never give up being your husband. We were married under a vow of monogamy and I will honor that vow. I will not pursue polygyny while that vow is in effect and I will not attempt to get you to renounce that vow.

I cannot however lie to you about God and what He says. I believe that polygyny is allowed in scripture and I can’t just unbelieve that. This belief will not affect you or our marriage because it is not something that I will pursue for myself. But if you can not accept that I believe something that you do not then you will have decide how you will handle that. I can not be swayed on the topic.

And I will not be a part to bringing an outsider into our marriage. You don’t want another woman in our marriage and I don’t want another man in our marriage. There will be no discussion or debate on this. My mind is made up on the acceptability of polygyny before God and the destructive outcomes that will result from giving another man authority over me or my family.”

THEN DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN.

Don’t all about it. Don’t discuss it. Don’t tell her that cool new truths you’re learning. Don’t point out that poly could have solved this situation, or would benefit that situation.

DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN.

She eventually will. You will need to be ready to NOT respond when she does. Don’t respond the second time she brings it up.

The third time she brings it up act exasperated and ask if she really wants to talk about it. Then don’t.

Eventually she will pitch a temper tantrum and demand to talk about it. Don’t fall for it.

At some point she will capitulate. She will deflate. She will get tired of how worked up she’s been about it. Then you can start looking for ways to talk about it with her.

Or you could blow the whole marriage up and hope you do better with your next first wife. Just remember, the first step to having two wives is keeping the first one. If she’s worth keeping….

Insightful, thank you. I may just use this.

I’d prefer to avoid the black mark of losing this one, and patience is something I do believe will fix this.

My best case is she comes around and absolves the vow and helps me should we go down that path. But the wisdom you all posses says that will take a while if it happens at all. Which is acceptable.

This is something worth waiting for.