The fact that you're able to absorb and recognize the advice you're being given, puts you steps ahead of many who have been down the same route. Wishing your family lots of luck and happiness
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Wife is demanding a 3rd Party
- Thread starter davidthebuilder
- Start date
He 'changes NOT.' He did not change so much as "one yod or tiddle" of His Instruction (from Genesis to Maps) because "heaven and earth" still exist. (His Very First Public Address: Matthew chapters 5 through 7, aka, 'the Sermon on the Mount.')
So - "If you Love Me, keep My commandments." Which? All of 'em, that He Wrote for us in Genuine Print, and preserved.
When you start to put that into practice, everything else about marriage follows naturally, and without question.
That’s how it worked for me. I had the advantage that m wife knew I believed it when we got married but I told her exactly what I told you I tell your wife. I didn’t follow my own advice as well as I should have and it took four years for the turn around to happen.
This!
This is how you lead. Do. Not. Give. Ground!
Part of that is refusal to engage. Not because your position is not right, but because it would only strengthen her determination to oppose you.
She must accept your right to believe it first. Dont negotiate.
Love is.....a lot of things. We are told love is patient etc. Show that until she has no doubt you love her. It makes everything else the wife faces easier. .... and try to avoid treating her like an enemy....even when you feel opposed.
Just suggestions.
You basically wait that your wife accepts you like polygyny. That's all. Just husband with one strange belief.
Don't bring it up. Don't surrender.
A husband liking the idea of polygamy isn't exactly unusual. Most husbands probably like the idea, but won't admit it.
This is some top shelf premium wisdom!
Thanks for sharing it.
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Cage stage polygamy bros are even more annoying and destructive than cage stage Calvinists.
I've been through both. The poly cage stage almost wrecked my marriage.
@The Revolting Man and @FollowingHim both gave you really sound advice.
"But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God." (1st Cor. 11:3)
Bringing in some sort of pastor to beat up your husband and undermine his Biblical authority is not an option. You will not allow that.
The pastor and elder board are not her head. You are her head.
Christ is your Head. Always seek to submit your will to Him, asking Him to change your wife's heart and mind.
Bringing in some sort of pastor to beat up your husband and undermine his Biblical authority is not an option. You will not allow that.
The pastor and elder board are not her head. You are her head.
Christ is your Head. Always seek to submit your will to Him, asking Him to change your wife's heart and mind.
It does break the advice to not talk about it and avoid the topic, but if your wife does get an idea into her head that you're being led astray by crazy people on the internet trying to lead you into sin, and does need some persuading that is not the case, just show her this conversation. Now, still better not to, as you don't want to raise this issue at all. But there's a time and a place for everything, so keep that at the back of your mind as an option for answering a specific worry she may have if it becomes a major deal you can't reassure her about any other way.
Hi @davidthebuilder and welcome to the big reality check on biblical marriage. You are in exactly the same place most men here have been in or are in. So, welcome aboard.
You claim to be a Bible believing Christian. Okay, so start with Scripture. But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Cor. 11:3). NO ONE has authority to step between your wife and you! End of story. Point that simple truth out to her and she will be in sin if she determines to violate scripture.
Do you read the Bible daily for your family? If not, start yesterday. Start in Genesis and read to the Revelation, rinse and repeat. Polygyny is an inescapable reality in the Bible and it is evident in the lives of most of the great men, and of Almighty God Himself. Read without commenting on polygyny, just read through the Bible. Your wife and family will be confronted with the truth about polygyny as often as you will be. SAY NOTHING, let the power and authority of Holy Scripture accomplish God's purpose in your life and the lives of your family members. Shalom
You claim to be a Bible believing Christian. Okay, so start with Scripture. But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Cor. 11:3). NO ONE has authority to step between your wife and you! End of story. Point that simple truth out to her and she will be in sin if she determines to violate scripture.
Do you read the Bible daily for your family? If not, start yesterday. Start in Genesis and read to the Revelation, rinse and repeat. Polygyny is an inescapable reality in the Bible and it is evident in the lives of most of the great men, and of Almighty God Himself. Read without commenting on polygyny, just read through the Bible. Your wife and family will be confronted with the truth about polygyny as often as you will be. SAY NOTHING, let the power and authority of Holy Scripture accomplish God's purpose in your life and the lives of your family members. Shalom
davidthebuilder
New Member
I think reading daily is a habit I should get into. If nothing else, I’ll start with that.
davidthebuilder
New Member
I agree, and will keep that in the back of my mind.
Any time you have to accept something that all your life you have been taught is base, immoral, and means your husband hates you, is going to take a while to wrap your mind around and accept.
The best thing is to pray for her, be humble, patient, long-suffering, and trust in God's promise that he who asks will receive. Different people learn things in different ways and the same approaches are not going to work for everyone. Some people need a principle to repeated to them constantly, and other people need silence on an issue while they sort out their own thoughts and prayers. Either way, she needs to want to genuinely learn if polygany is acceptable in the eyes of God.
Honestly from the outside I think you don't need to worry about the vow. I know a lot of people really take it to heart and a lot of women use that as a means against polygany, but I just don't get it. If your commitment to your wife isn't going to change then that's that. We live in a society that is more understanding of affairs than polygany. I think that's why the vow was made anyway. If you're living in a way that isn't immoral and isn't an offense to God than that's what really matters.
There are a couple moments in my life that I know helped change my views on polygamy.
One was actually reading about good polyganists. That was the first things that helped soften my heart to it. I'm LDS so I actually read the biography of Heber C Kimball and the fact that he was more worried about ruining his relationship and hurting the feelings of his wife than he was about finding a new spouse was relieving to me. It was the first insight I had to the idea that polygany could be hard for men. Honestly the bible does not make polygany sound pleasant. Bible stories about polygany were part of the reason I knew it couldn't be bad but never wanted to live it. At the same time a lot of the men who lived polygany, that we know of, in the bible did nothing evil in the eyes of God, so I feel confident that in general it was much more pleasant than it is often portrayed.
The second time I distinctly recall was when I was in England talking to a Jehovah's Witness, and he told me that he was better in the eyes of God than Abraham was because he only had one wife while Abraham had many. I was shocked at his audacity to think such a thing. Abraham spoke to God and saw angels, and he never had.
The last time was when I watched the opening of SisterWives... Now at that point I had come to accept that it was morally acceptable for a good and righteous man to live polygany, but I hadn't accepted the idea generally. Now Cody and his wives were anything but perfect and I know they spiraled away from anything good and ruined their family. But in the beginning you could tell that what he was doing, having his three wives, wasn't immoral. He didn't act like an immoral man, and their situation didn't feel like it was bad. And I personally do not think Cody was a great godly man like Abraham, he seemed pretty normal to me. So that's when I accepted the fact that maybe polygany itself was just a right and normal thing.
I do believe that polygany, just like any marriage, can be, and more often than not, is lived wrongly. Bad men like to take advantage of it, however, that does not make the principle itself evil. Rather, I believe, polygany can be a blessing if done right.
The best thing is to pray for her, be humble, patient, long-suffering, and trust in God's promise that he who asks will receive. Different people learn things in different ways and the same approaches are not going to work for everyone. Some people need a principle to repeated to them constantly, and other people need silence on an issue while they sort out their own thoughts and prayers. Either way, she needs to want to genuinely learn if polygany is acceptable in the eyes of God.
Honestly from the outside I think you don't need to worry about the vow. I know a lot of people really take it to heart and a lot of women use that as a means against polygany, but I just don't get it. If your commitment to your wife isn't going to change then that's that. We live in a society that is more understanding of affairs than polygany. I think that's why the vow was made anyway. If you're living in a way that isn't immoral and isn't an offense to God than that's what really matters.
There are a couple moments in my life that I know helped change my views on polygamy.
One was actually reading about good polyganists. That was the first things that helped soften my heart to it. I'm LDS so I actually read the biography of Heber C Kimball and the fact that he was more worried about ruining his relationship and hurting the feelings of his wife than he was about finding a new spouse was relieving to me. It was the first insight I had to the idea that polygany could be hard for men. Honestly the bible does not make polygany sound pleasant. Bible stories about polygany were part of the reason I knew it couldn't be bad but never wanted to live it. At the same time a lot of the men who lived polygany, that we know of, in the bible did nothing evil in the eyes of God, so I feel confident that in general it was much more pleasant than it is often portrayed.
The second time I distinctly recall was when I was in England talking to a Jehovah's Witness, and he told me that he was better in the eyes of God than Abraham was because he only had one wife while Abraham had many. I was shocked at his audacity to think such a thing. Abraham spoke to God and saw angels, and he never had.
The last time was when I watched the opening of SisterWives... Now at that point I had come to accept that it was morally acceptable for a good and righteous man to live polygany, but I hadn't accepted the idea generally. Now Cody and his wives were anything but perfect and I know they spiraled away from anything good and ruined their family. But in the beginning you could tell that what he was doing, having his three wives, wasn't immoral. He didn't act like an immoral man, and their situation didn't feel like it was bad. And I personally do not think Cody was a great godly man like Abraham, he seemed pretty normal to me. So that's when I accepted the fact that maybe polygany itself was just a right and normal thing.
I do believe that polygany, just like any marriage, can be, and more often than not, is lived wrongly. Bad men like to take advantage of it, however, that does not make the principle itself evil. Rather, I believe, polygany can be a blessing if done right.
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davidthebuilder
New Member
Alright so I said more or less this to her tonight.
Now it's time to wait and pray. Thank you everyone for the wisdom and prayers and support. God bless you all.
I'll be praying for you, your wife, and your family.
Welcome David! I would like to add another thought to the discussion along the lines of what you should focus on now that you have made your declaration/stand on the truth of marriage. I encourage you to start dealing with the "small stuff" that you don't address enough regarding your relationship with your wife. This will most likely require you to step up your leadership game as you help her become a more mature believer in her over all life. I would also encourage you to pray about what the wall, that she puts up regarding this is, is made of. Fear, insecurity, selfishness, control over you, wrong understanding of who God is to her, understanding of what a true Biblical marriage is, etc. Maybe think of it as preparing your wife to be an awesome sister wife to someone God may bring to your family in the future. At the very least, you are sowing good things into your wife and your relationship with her.
If you are serious about doing something like this, then buckle up! Helping a spouse face fears and hurts is not for the weak at heart but it reaps many wonderful things. Ask God to open your eyes and ears to see what needs to be addressed each day, and trust that as you DONT TALK ABOUT POLOGYNY, God will be working in your wife's heart and spirit so she might someday embrace Biblical truth on marriage and many other aspects of her life God wants to show her truth about. My prayers are with you both.
If you are serious about doing something like this, then buckle up! Helping a spouse face fears and hurts is not for the weak at heart but it reaps many wonderful things. Ask God to open your eyes and ears to see what needs to be addressed each day, and trust that as you DONT TALK ABOUT POLOGYNY, God will be working in your wife's heart and spirit so she might someday embrace Biblical truth on marriage and many other aspects of her life God wants to show her truth about. My prayers are with you both.
When you got married, she wanted you to be in charge as her patriarchal leader. She trusted you immensely with this - she trusted you to treat her well.
Now, if you know polygamy is acceptable to God, but choose not to pursue it because you are doing what is best for her, you will prove to her that you are worthy of the trust she has placed in you. On the other hand, if you try pushing her into polygamy you will cause her to doubt trusting you to be the head of your marriage at all.
This is where your ability as a patriarchal leader is hitting its first trial. And by that I don't mean that she is being tested and needs to learn to trust you and do what you say. I mean that you are being tested - how will you lead in a way that preserves your marriage and causes it to blossom into something even greater? You're the head - so how this trial ends is up to you. Not her, at least not so much.
If in a year's time she feels her faith in you has been confirmed and she can always know she can submit to your leadership, you're not going to intentionally hurt her but will always do what is best for her, then you passed the test.