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Becoming a 2nd or 3rd wife seems less appealing after hearing how much heartache first wives endure at the very thought of polygany

theleastofthese said:
Being the source of that heartache seems selfish, I question what kind of woman would I be if my presence contributed to it?
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You wouldn't be the source of that pain. The first wife would be the source of the turmoil as she is the one creating the emotions that cause her own internal pain. If someone takes a drink of wine in the presence of an alcoholic, the one drinking the wine isn't the source of the pain, the mind of the alcoholic is the source. The person drinking the wine is just the trigger for the thoughts that generate pain.
theleastofthese said:
I have reservations as to why polygany is called "the truth." Yes it's biblical but so is monogamy, why is one considered the truth over the other?
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Marriage according to the Bible is the truth. And the truth is a first wife is not entitled to command or demand exclusivity of her husband according to scripture. To be angry and hurt over that is to usurp authority over her husband. It's a hard thing to hear but it's the truth.

The truth is that younger women are to be married. It is not good for them to be without a husband. There are strong reasons given.

“13 And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not. 14 I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. 15 For some are already turned aside after Satan. ” 1 Timothy 5:13-15

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

This word “visit” is Strong's G1980 episkeptomai (ἐπισκέπτεσθαι) Present Middle or Passive Deponent Infinitive

Is used to not just imply a passing visit where you talk about niceties, have a cup of coffee and leave. It is how the Lord “visited/relieved” the Israelites in their suffering. He was a savior to, and an ever present salvation in time of need, the one who binds up the broken hearted and heals the wounds. He redeems us. It breaks my heart to see the suffering caused by the twisting of so much of God’s word. People give 20 bucks to an organization that buys some diapers for a widow, writes her a check, or gives her a meal. Buys some clothes or shoes for a child without a father. That is a great evil to ignore the plight of the needy women under the guise of adherence to traditional marriage. Traditions that are only hundreds of years old when the believers of the world have thousands of years of tradition with true biblical marriage.

I'm not wanting to communicate coldness to the growing pains and stretching a woman must go through to pass through the valley of shifting her heart, mind, and dreams into alignment with what God says is right and good and with what her husband is leading her through. It is a very difficult thing to do and I am impressed and praise women who have done so with grace and dignity, or even done so with tears and agony. Because obedience to God and submission to one's husband is what we as believers are called to endure and embrace. Most women must completely die to their dreams and ambitions, allow the old them to die and a new creature to be born in her place. Not easy by any stretch of the imagination. But necessary to fully realize the ideal of complete submission to God and His will for our lives.

We men must do the same and we must be an example of worshiping God by bowing before him in complete submission to His will for our life even when we think what He desires will bring us pain and brokenness. He wants us to be presented to Himself a glorious bride without spot or wrinkle or blemish. Those spots come out with scrubbing which is not comfortable. Wrinkles are ironed out with heat and pressure, none of those are fun or comfortable. And blemishes must be cut and trimmed, then stitched closed and sometimes patched over. It doesn't feel good to have a needle sewing you up repeatedly. None of those things are fun. But they are needful.

Childbirth is pain, but joy comes in holding that precious child.
Exercise is hard, but accomplishment comes in finishing the race.
Vulnerability is terrifying, but peace comes in that intimacy.

Seeds must die to what they once were to grow into something that will bless the world with good fruit.
There is nothing good that does not first come with pain, suffering, death, or fear. Facing the fear and walking through it brings beauty and glory. Don't steal that beauty and glory by running away from difficulty for yourself or for another. Walk in love and kindness, but walk in truth even if the truth frightens or hurts for a time.

theleastofthese said:
Thank you ❤️

I do hope to build a wonderful relationship with my future sister-wife, God willing. I just can't help but feel empathy for what they're going through.
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This is praiseworthy and something we should all aspire to. Having empathy is a lovely thing and essential to creating good relationships with anybody.
 
MeganC said:
You could join a family that wants you. That's an option.

But assuming that every first wife objects to poly is not at all accurate. It's just not the case.
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True, Megan C, but assuming that the vast majority don't object would be just as inaccurate.

Even within Biblical Families families most of the wives who are ostensibly "on board" are really only pretending. You and Jolene have a strong presence on here and are appreciated as well as respected, but the two of you are not representative. There are indeed other women here who don't object or who would welcome a sister wife, but the majority at best would prefer that no sister wife ever darkens their doorsteps.
 
Keith Martin said:
Even within Biblical Families families most of the wives who are ostensibly "on board" are really only pretending.
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Without knowing very many people, my sense is that I agree with you. I have heard anecdotal information that this is, at least occasionally, the case. So then the question is, why are these women who claim to be on board pretending. Are they still harboring jealousy inside, while claiming to support biblical marriage? Have they not fully let go of what society and culture taught them for so long? There are probably a lot of answers for this.
 
The thread that Keith posted is a must-read, but I will just leave this here for starters.
The desire to share doesn’t typically come naturally. Observe children at play, they usually need to be taught to share.
Now raise girls in an environment where they are taught that sharing “their” man is flat out wrong. In fact, if he chooses to share himself he is committing Adultery.
So when a couple discovers the truth about poly, the decision to share is made in opposition to a lifetime of training. Core feelings don’t change at the speed of light, no matter how generous one feels. Some days they will feel more generous than others.
Add in the fact that the enemy of our souls hates and fears poly. He will subtly entice and empower opposing feelings. Depending on how susceptible a couple is to his influence, a beautiful marriage can end up in the fight of their lives over the practice of poly.
 
MarkH said:
Your drill instructor knew this and watched the troops, knowing when to rest or back off.
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I remember the first time I brought the subject up to @Proverbs3.5 seeing the pain in her eyes, like the instructor seeing the pain in his troops going through basic, I backed off so that there were no catastrophic injuries. My wife is where she is at today because I was patient and long suffering, I loved her into polygyny, I did not force her into polygyny. Could I have forced her? Sure, but then I would have been like a lot of the men in the '90s, destroyed homes or at the very least struggling homes that have made it and I want neither.
 
Edward said:
I remember the first time I brought the subject up to @Proverbs3.5 seeing the pain in her eyes, like the instructor seeing the pain in his troops going through basic, I backed off so that there were no catastrophic injuries. My wife is where she is at today because I was patient and long suffering, I loved her into polygyny, I did not force her into polygyny. Could I have forced her? Sure, but then I would have been like a lot of the men in the '90s, destroyed homes or at the very least struggling homes that have made it and I want neither.
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I taught my wife into polygyny. Yes it was done lovingly, but I simply discussed the Bible, and what it said about marriage. We went through each verse together and discussed every one. We studied each example in scripture. Then we talked about them on multiple occasions. I did not ram it through. This took quite a while.
 
theleastofthese said:
Being the source of that heartache seems selfish, I question what kind of woman would I be if my presence contributed to it?
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In family structure there will always be heartache and yes I am aware that heartache will be different with each family, let me explain... Do you think it is selfish for a husband and wife to inflict pain on their first child by having a second child? First wife syndrome and first child syndrome are kind of the same, but also different. The relationship between husband and wife is more than the relationship between parents and child or even child and child. Now depending on the child and the wife the growing pain is going to be different with each individual, if you have a second child right off the bat, the first child doesn't have as much of a struggle. For first wife, if you know Truth early in your marriage, it could still be difficult but not as much of a struggle as if you didn't come to Truth until, as in our case, 24 years into our marriage and 27 years of marriage when we attended our first retreat.

My friend James, asked me if we came to the truth of polygyny early on in our marriage and also our new faith in the Messiah, would we have been open to taking on another wife. I told him I don't know, but to be honest because of how on fire we were, and learning Truth if this subject would have came up, we probably would have said, Yeah let's do this.

steve said:
It may not be easy being someone else’s trial, but you very well could be the exact trial that they need. It’s not for you to decide.
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You don't want to be someone's trial, however like Steve mentioned you could very well be the exact trial they need or visa versa. You should always seek YaHWeH's will through prayer and sometimes we need to fast and pray, seek others to pray with you. Guard your heart, while seeking to know the family/husband, don't let emotions rule you and definitely don't rush into it.
 
NBTX11 said:
I taught my wife into polygyny. Yes it was done lovingly, but I simply discussed the Bible, and what it said about marriage. We went through each verse together and discussed every one. We studied each example in scripture. Then we talked about them on multiple occasions. I did not ram it through. This took quite a while.
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Because of this particular website Love not Force way back when I first brought the subject up, I loved my wife into polygyny, which means I had to teach her also. I might not agree with everything here, but it definitely was one of the first steps. One of the articles I read there was basically love your wife into polygyny while going through Scriptures.
 
MeganC said:
You could join a family that wants you. That's an option.

But assuming that every first wife objects to poly is not at all accurate. It's just not the case.
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And Bingo was his name O
Definitely shouldn't assume that all first wives are against polygamy. I have one sitting a few feet from me, enjoying our first cup of coffee this morning.
(Read this post and background to her as I was intending to reply. She comments that so long as a woman is of good will toward the family, desires to really be part of the family, to share the ups and downs with us, then she is fine with it)
I get that there are just terrible stories out there about bad experiences. Those seem to get all the attention unfortunately. I feel pretty confident that the majority of happy polygamamists families just are not out there writing their stories and being involved in the limited little community we have here or just getting their stories out anywhere. So all we here are the bad experiences. Plus, just like in the news industry the if it bleeds it leads truism is what seems to drive the sales of books and gets clicks on websites where salacious deeds are hinted at in stories about polygamy.

There just are not tonnes of positive stories or interaction from happy polygamamists. Megan for example is an absolute anomaly. Member of a large plig family in a plig heavy community and still participates in these conversations.

As mouthy as I am, during the close to 8 years I was in a plural marriage, I was rarely around. In retrospect, I suppose I should have been and likely should have encouraged my wives to say more about how well thing were going. My second wife made positive posts occasionally. It especially would have likely been valuable to others by way of example to have gotten my first wife to post about the process of welcoming a new sister home and integrating her into our family.

Ah well...maybe next time.
 
Keith Martin said:
True, Megan C, but assuming that the vast majority don't object would be just as inaccurate.

Even within Biblical Families families most of the wives who are ostensibly "on board" are really only pretending. You and Jolene have a strong presence on here and are appreciated as well as respected, but the two of you are not representative. There are indeed other women here who don't object or who would welcome a sister wife, but the majority at best would prefer that no sister wife ever darkens their doorsteps.
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This is part of why in our search, we think it is crucial for the woman to talk to each other early and often.
I want them to the best of pals if things work out and if there is something weird going on...and we all how many fakes and fantasists are out there...then maybe she will pick up on things I don't.

To my mind, the wives who are on board, should be a large part of the process.
 
I was for it....and feel very blessed to have a gal who is family minded and cares about the family as a sisterwife.
 
theleastofthese said:
Thank you ❤️

I do hope to build a wonderful relationship with my future sister-wife, God willing. I just can't help but feel empathy for what they're going through.
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A lot of what my wife went through, is not actually HAVING a SW (which I am still hoping to acquire), but the thought that her husband DESIRED a second wife. This was because she interpreted it through the lens of monogamy only, that having a second wife, was somehow rejection of her as the first wife. Now that she is willing to accept having a SW, the bigger concern is what kind of woman the second wife will be.
 
The Revolting Man said:
To quote my drill instructor, pain is just weakness leaving the body! When the pain passes it leaves behind a stronger, more effective war fighter. Pain it isn’t a bad thing then. It’s a necessary thing.
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That only applies to physical pain. The pain our wives have felt is emotional pain. It is the pain of self-doubt and fear. It is the questioning of her own worth and wondering why she isn't good enough for her husband. The enemy already attacks her, and this idea that her husband should love her and only her, is difficult to shake off.

EDIT: Husbands are to be the ones who are emotionally and physically strong. Weakness, comparatively speaking, is one of the beautiful things that God has created in our wives, that lead them to lean on us for the strength that they need. It is just like how we rely on the Lord for our strength.
 
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Daniel DeLuca said:
That only applies to physical pain. The pain our wives have felt is emotional pain. It is the pain of self-doubt and fear. It is the questioning of her own worth and wondering why she isn't good enough for her husband. The enemy already attacks her, and this idea that her husband should love her and only her, is difficult to shake off.

EDIT: Husbands are to be the ones who are emotionally and physically strong. Weakness, comparatively speaking, is one of the beautiful things that God has created in our wives, that lead them to lean on us for the strength that they need. It is just like how we rely on the Lord for our strength.
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Women can control their emotions. Letting their emotions control them is a destructive state that no loving husband would leave a woman in. If a woman has negative or destructive emotions then excising them is weakness leaving the body.
 
The Revolting Man said:
Women can control their emotions. Letting their emotions control them is a destructive state that no loving husband would leave a woman in. If a woman has negative or destructive emotions then excising them is weakness leaving the body.
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Yes they can, but it often takes a good husband who can guide them through that. There are loving husbands who simply have not learned how to do this. It's the whole beta male syndrome that is endemic in the church that leaves their wives in a state where he (and that includes me in years past) has no clue how to deal with.
 
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