Thanks Jessie!!
No, it totally did not scare me away and is SUPER helpful and I love your honesty!!! I feel like your situation is very much like our own and a lot of similarities on both sides. Like you, my wife suffered abuse an abandonment issues from her childhood. Her uncle sexually abused her and her mother left her as a little girl as the oldest of 7 children and she was the only girl. Her all-male younger siblings essentially became her "children" to care for so she had to "grow up" quick at a very young age and form a very unhealthy relationship with her father that made it very difficult for her to break-away and commit to me in our marriage. It was almost like her father was viewed by her as her "previous spouse," but not in a "sexual" way. Because the two of them were essentially raising all the boys together, she was not only forced into a "motherly" role, but a "parental" role with her father. When we married, I didn't realize at the time how much all of this would affect our marriage. Any time a problem between the two of us came up, it was off to her daddy to complain, and then it was me against the two of them. Eventually, I just had to tell her that she needed to decide--me or daddy? Additionally, the lack of a female "mother" figure growing up and an inexperience to "be a child" (experience childhood) led to additional problems where she acted out for a time in our marriage and just "went wild." She just went off the deep end and she ended up having an affair. I was so devastated and hurt (not to mention--lost all my trust in her) that it has been years of us trying to restore what was broken. Although it would have been easy to walk away, we have continued to work on fixing our marriage and keeping our family of 7 great children together (we're both in our early 40's). Our goal had been not only to restore what we once had, but make it BETTER. I must admit that she has worked really hard on herself and her walk with God. She also works really hard to sustain and keep our marriage getting better. Part of my concern in relaying my desire for a second wife to her is: I don't want her to think that I'm only looking for a second wife because I no longer trust or am interested in her. That's not really it. A huge part of my motivation has actually been because I think it could potentially be helpful for both of us for a few reasons (although that's why this site and dialog have been helpful because I'm trying to get feedback to examine my motives and make sure they're not sinful): 1. A helper for my wife and "sister" that she never had growing up. My wife is always talking about how she wishes she had more female friends or a sister. I've always wanted someone like that for her. Someone who not only spends time with her each day and she can talk to, but they can share clothes, do each other's hair, help with the children, etc. 2. I really want more children, but my wife is just physically not able to anymore (peri-menopause). She'd like more young children too, but she is afraid that she would not be able to have another healthy baby with all that she has going on with her health and overall energy levels after having had 7 children already and working full-time with me in our family-run business. Another wife who wants to add to our growing family would be awesome. 3. Sexual activity of men versus women. I don't want to stereotype, but I know that I (as a man) would prefer sexual activity A LOT more often than my wife would. This puts strain on both of us because my wife often doesn't feel physically up to it (especially with all her physical health issues going on--she also has symptoms from her lyme disease) and I feel bad pressuring her in any way. If I leave it up to her and when she "feels like it" (which is what I do right now), we may have sex less than 1-2Xs a month. For her, that's plenty. For me, I would prefer at least that much EACH WEEK! The issue is that I find a lack of physical intimacy somehow makes me not only more tense and uptight with her, but resentful. But a large part of my resent would often come from the fact that I always thought my desire for more or with someone else was "sinful"--because I was always brought up that marriage (and subsequently sexual activity) was only supposed to be between one man and one woman. The idea that a man's sexual activity/desire is not really meant to match a woman's was something I've always known from a "biological" and "experiential" perspective, but I had always wrestled with this desire as me somehow being sinful. I had never really thought that maybe a big part of why a man's desire is different from a woman's is because God made them that way and that plural marriage is okay with God. Additionally, as part of the jealously thing you mentioned, I totally understand that because like I said, I'd be jealous if my wife said she wanted a second husband. In fact, I'd be downright angry and refuse. I'd more than likely want to divorce her! So, the idea that she'd feel jealousy too, is completely natural (especially given our cultural upbringing and past experiences). When I think about jealousy, however, I'm reminded of the difference in scripture concerning God's "righteous" jealousy versus sinful jealousy. How one is directed toward something we SHOULD covet--relationship with God versus toward something we SHOULDN'T. Additionally (though not exactly the same) I think about how is it possible for God to love us ALL equally--or does He love some moreso than others? I don't think that's how God loves. With my own children, I love them ALL unconditionally, but each child I love in a unique way
