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Cohabitation?

ChoosingGod

ChoosingGod

Member
Male
General question and experience sharing please.

Facts:
- Been 10 years in the same house with my fw.
- Sw sold her house and came at my home, it’s been 10 months.

- sw says she wants her own place and want me to come visit her 1 week, then go back home 1 week. (Because of frictions in the past months and recently)

Question:

Is it, in your experience or thinking, good that a wife get his own place?

I often read that (and heard from Poly families) that it’s best to live in the same house.

Indeed, firstly I think that expanses will double… secondly, having a big house and garden, being busy with animals, having to constantly drive from one place to another is cumbersome. Also, being 1 week at the house, and 1 week at the sw place, will create a deeper separation for both woman when I will be absent.

What do you think?
Thanks in advance.
 
I am all about single family, single home; two homes is parallel monogamy.
But having said that:
7Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with themaccording to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

I have found that insisting upon what is technically correct sometimes has a worse effect than making *cough* *choke*…..a compromise. How I hate that word!
Wisdom is knowing what to fight for, no matter how wrong the other person is.

So do what you feel is best for your family, because being right and ending up with a disaster really sucks.
 
ChoosingGod said:
Is it, in your experience or thinking, good that a wife get his own place?
Click to expand...
You do you, so do whatever accomplishes your purpose and goals. As far as I can discern from the Bible there is no right or wrong about housing your wives. In case you are wondering, my commute is 8,000km (yes, 8k).
 
Do it however you want. I hope you have lots of money though, since you’d be doubling your expenses.

I agree with the sentiment of working on the actual problem between wives. For me personally, the best solution is for us to be in the same home. Each have their own bedroom. We come together in our living room for family time and socializing together every day. This is important. Do they not want to be together at all?

Have a family meeting and let them voice what their problems are, then try to start solving those.
 
Our family has done both, living together and living in 2 separate homes, and now we are back all together. As the others have stated, there isn’t a right or wrong way but I think understanding the reasons supporting your choice is important. Also, situations are rarely “forever” especially if you are a family that is devoted to doing God’s work. We lived together for about 7 years, and then for various reasons we needed 2 homes to work out some things between the 3 of us. It wasn’t supposed to be more than a couple of years but ended up being about 15 years. Thankfully, God provided 2 homes a few minutes away from each other for that season. (I will let @nathan tell you his experience with going back and forth.) Then a new season started and we needed a home that included Nathan’s aging parents. We are now all together, including his parents, in a home God provided for this season.

The season of separate homes was a time of separately growing in maturity while still making an effort at coming together for dinner every night at one of the houses. We vacationed all together and many other things. It gave me and my sister wife time together and time alone to understand more about ourselves and each other. We both have children also, which was a connecting thing as the kids went back and forth between homes for various things.

We were in a much better place relationship wise by the time God asked us to care for Nathan’s parents and get one home. It was still a difficult adjustment to do this, let's face it no one likes major changes. We also had 3 households to combine, and we also had to learn the needs of Nathan’s parents. Kids were moving out, some were coming home and then Covid-19 happened a few months after we moved into the new home. It was a stressful time, to say the least.

It has taken us about 2 years to really get adjusted to things, communicate our needs and desires, and learn to use that muscle of flexibility with each other. God has continued to be faithful and kind to us through it all. We have continued to grow in maturity with Him and with each other. Nathan has continued to guide his family as best he can and to seek the Lord’s help for wisdom as each conflict or insecurity arises.

I personally would encourage you to try and keep your family together under one roof if possible. It will take a lot of prayer, leadership and love from you to make it work. You set the tone of your home, or at least you should, so you need to be intentful about what positive things go on that develop communication, spiritual growth, and connections with your wives and children. That being said, some women need more space to grow in maturity than others for a season but the mindset of intent should still be a priority about how your family functions in two homes. Maybe a new home for both of them is a solution for the second wife to feel more “a part” of the family? In the end honest communication has to happen for anything to move forward in a positive way; I would start there. Well, of course after lots of prayer. :)
 
ChoosingGod said:
General question and experience sharing please.

Facts:
- Been 10 years in the same house with my fw.
- Sw sold her house and came at my home, it’s been 10 months.

- sw says she wants her own place and want me to come visit her 1 week, then go back home 1 week. (Because of frictions in the past months and recently)

Question:

Is it, in your experience or thinking, good that a wife get his own place?

I often read that (and heard from Poly families) that it’s best to live in the same house.

Indeed, firstly I think that expanses will double… secondly, having a big house and garden, being busy with animals, having to constantly drive from one place to another is cumbersome. Also, being 1 week at the house, and 1 week at the sw place, will create a deeper separation for both woman when I will be absent.

What do you think?
Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...

Sounds like a recipe for ending the family over time. Anti family basically
 
julieb said:
Our family has done both, living together and living in 2 separate homes, and now we are back all together. As the others have stated, there isn’t a right or wrong way but I think understanding the reasons supporting your choice is important. Also, situations are rarely “forever” especially if you are a family that is devoted to doing God’s work. We lived together for about 7 years, and then for various reasons we needed 2 homes to work out some things between the 3 of us. It wasn’t supposed to be more than a couple of years but ended up being about 15 years. Thankfully, God provided 2 homes a few minutes away from each other for that season. (I will let @nathan tell you his experience with going back and forth.) Then a new season started and we needed a home that included Nathan’s aging parents. We are now all together, including his parents, in a home God provided for this season.

The season of separate homes was a time of separately growing in maturity while still making an effort at coming together for dinner every night at one of the houses. We vacationed all together and many other things. It gave me and my sister wife time together and time alone to understand more about ourselves and each other. We both have children also, which was a connecting thing as the kids went back and forth between homes for various things.

We were in a much better place relationship wise by the time God asked us to care for Nathan’s parents and get one home. It was still a difficult adjustment to do this, let's face it no one likes major changes. We also had 3 households to combine, and we also had to learn the needs of Nathan’s parents. Kids were moving out, some were coming home and then Covid-19 happened a few months after we moved into the new home. It was a stressful time, to say the least.

It has taken us about 2 years to really get adjusted to things, communicate our needs and desires, and learn to use that muscle of flexibility with each other. God has continued to be faithful and kind to us through it all. We have continued to grow in maturity with Him and with each other. Nathan has continued to guide his family as best he can and to seek the Lord’s help for wisdom as each conflict or insecurity arises.

I personally would encourage you to try and keep your family together under one roof if possible. It will take a lot of prayer, leadership and love from you to make it work. You set the tone of your home, or at least you should, so you need to be intentful about what positive things go on that develop communication, spiritual growth, and connections with your wives and children. That being said, some women need more space to grow in maturity than others for a season but the mindset of intent should still be a priority about how your family functions in two homes. Maybe a new home for both of them is a solution for the second wife to feel more “a part” of the family? In the end honest communication has to happen for anything to move forward in a positive way; I would start there. Well, of course after lots of prayer. :)
Click to expand...
Glad to hear that it worked out in your situation
 
Is a duplex a possibility? I wonder if a little more private space than a bedroom is needed. Maybe a bedroom with attached bathroom for each, plus a separate sitting room if possible (maybe even separate wings with shared space together under one roof)?
 
frederick said:
You do you, so do whatever accomplishes your purpose and goals. As far as I can discern from the Bible there is no right or wrong about housing your wives. In case you are wondering, my commute is 8,000km (yes, 8k).
Click to expand...
I had no idea that the Philippines and New Zealand are further apart than Japan and the US West Coast (WA specifically).

New Zealand really is out in the middle of nowhere isn't it? It's further from the Asian continent than North America is. 😳
 
Bartato said:
Is a duplex a possibility? I wonder if a little more private space than a bedroom is needed. Maybe a bedroom with attached bathroom for each, plus a separate sitting room if possible (maybe even separate wings with shared space together under one roof)?
Click to expand...

We considered a duplex at one point.
Frequently the floorplan will be a mirror and the idea I had was to cut a large arch between the two kitchens...because you can never have enough kitchen space for a family.

My idea of the perfect setup though was based on my ex having me watching that show...forgive me if I forget the name...of the family with something like 19 children in a mono marriage. Very quiverfull sort of family.
As I recall, they had a large living room, large dining area and super big kitchen for common spaces. Our ideas for making it into a plyg home was to have a suite for each wife.
A small living room, a kitchenette (as in a dorm refrigerator and microwave but not a full kitchen for isolating oneself), a bedroom with a nice walk in closet and a good bathroom.
We thought that giving each wife their own space was ideal without separating the family was ideal.

It is not related to the ladies but I think it is a good idea nonetheless...four bedrooms for the children. One for younger daughters, one for older daughters, one for younger sons and one for older sons. One large bathroom with toilet and shower stalls so that privacy was maintained sort of thing.
A couple of guest rooms and no dedicated sleeping room for me but I did want a small study to have a little space for me when I wished to read and smoke a cigar or have a bit of a think.
We all agreed at that time though that if at all possible the family should function as a single unit however. Discreet spaces but not sperated from each other.

Hope springs eternal and it may yet come to pass.
Fingers crossed
 
paterfamilias said:
Sounds like a recipe for ending the family over time. Anti family basically
Click to expand...
The biggest red flag for me is this:
ChoosingGod said:
sw says she wants her own place and want me to come visit her 1 week, then go back home 1 week.
Click to expand...
The suggestion is to abandon the current family for an entire week, every second week. That is what is a recipe for ending the family. The proposal is to tear the family apart. It sounds like the second wife does not feel part of the family, and wants you to have two separate families @ChoosingGod. That is completely inappropriate.

Living in two separate homes as @julieb described is entirely different:
julieb said:
The season of separate homes was a time of separately growing in maturity while still making an effort at coming together for dinner every night at one of the houses. We vacationed all together and many other things. It gave me and my sister wife time together and time alone to understand more about ourselves and each other. We both have children also, which was a connecting thing as the kids went back and forth between homes for various things.
Click to expand...
That is healthy family life, as one family, with two houses. Nothing like what your wife has proposed @ChoosingGod. What she has proposed should be completely off the table, don't entertain that idea for a second. However if you can find a way of living as one family across two houses, go for it.

Two houses is manageable. Two families is not.
 
NBTX11 said:
Almost sounds like the guy in today’s monogamy only society who has a secret wife and family in a different town that his wife doesn’t know about.
Click to expand...
I met a guy a few years ago at a class reunion. He worked on coastal ships and when he stood and gave his testimony he said he had six wives and eight kids. Each family was at a different port and apparently knew about one another. It was interesting in that he got lots of hoots and applause from his former classmates. It also opened the door for me to explain the biblical position on marriage and polygyny.
 
Just my two cents: I'd never go for that unless the houses were immediately adjacent. For us, this is about family, not about having multiple separate families. What she wants sounds more like how polygyny is done in Islam.
 
Bartato said:
Is a duplex a possibility? I wonder if a little more private space than a bedroom is needed. Maybe a bedroom with attached bathroom for each, plus a separate sitting room if possible (maybe even separate wings with shared space together under one roof)?
Click to expand...
How about buying land and placing multiple mini houses or manufactured houses on them?
 
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