Support Second wife left… asking me to be alone in her « time »

[ChoosingGod]

It’s been almost 2 weeks since my sw left my home, to a place 7hours away from me…

Been there to visit, she had but accusations for me, I tried to explain to her my feelings and point of view, to no avail. It was very draining emotively.

She left some of her stuff behind, as well as her cat and dog we still take care of.

We had a 1 week / 1 week bedtime schedule.
The sw is reproaching me that I slept with my fw during « her week time » even if she’s gone and say I don’t consider her in all that, that I seek my own pleasure only.

The way I understand it, I should be sleeping alone in her bed and not with my fw for all her week even if she left? Is that even reasonable? She confuses me.

 

[paterfamilias]

Ouch
Ouch a lot
You have my condolences on many levels

 

[steve]

She doesn’t sound like a reasonable person.
Time to draw your lines in the sand.

 

[ChoosingGod]

For any sensitive content answers, please do so inbox, thank you all.

 

[NBTX11]

It’s on you to run it how you want. If you have a schedule, you should stick to it, until it’s changed. This is if both wives are home. But since she’s not, it’s unreasonable for you to not sleep with first wife while she’s gone.

I hope your family can be made whole and that she returns to you.

 

[PastorLarry]

Please understand, I am not being critical. But it seems to me that to avoid the command not to defraud any wife or wives, it would be your responsibility to meet each one's need each time one had a need. I have only had concubines but, because of a bit of distance to their homes I would normally visit them both the same day 3 to 4 times a week. They both would have had me every day and I would too, except for the distance. The "wife of my youth" however was very different. She wanted me only when she wanted to get pregnant. But see, because I was a virgin when I married her, I had no way of knowing that. Most of my adult life was with her only. I'm sorry - I am making this about me. But I do think if we are to have 2nd or 3rd or more (see Solomon - lol) we need to meet their every need as much as humanly possible.

 

[Joleneakamama]

Sometimes we imperfect people have unreasonable expectations. Those expectations can form or exist for and from a wide variety of reasons and sources....but the problems they cause in marriage and family life will look the same....stressed people with hurting hearts and/or heads as we try to understand what makes no sense to us.

I pray that YHWH with give you all understanding (higher / different perspective....let her understand her place and blessing in your home) and let His spirit bridge those gulfs between your hearts and minds.
Father, we know this family has done something rare in this world, and that many will judge them and in turn their faith and walk....and even the truth of your word because of the second wife. Please intervene and save their marriage and family and let their lives as they seek to walk in your truth bring you glory.

 

[NBTX11]

Please understand, I am not being critical. But it seems to me that to avoid the command not to defraud any wife or wives, it would be your responsibility to meet each one's need each time one had a need. I have only had concubines but, because of a bit of distance to their homes I would normally visit them both the same day 3 to 4 times a week. They both would have had me every day and I would too, except for the distance. The "wife of my youth" however was very different. She wanted me only when she wanted to get pregnant. But see, because I was a virgin when I married her, I had no way of knowing that. Most of my adult life was with her only. I'm sorry - I am making this about me. But I do think if we are to have 2nd or 3rd or more (see Solomon - lol) we need to meet their every need as much as humanly possible.

In his case he has a 14 hour round trip to see second wife. This may not be feasible. We don’t know all the details. We don’t even know if she wants him there at this point. So without knowing that, it seems unreasonable to expect him not to sleep with first wife while at home.

Also, did you teach your first wife that it was wrong to withhold sex from you.

1 Corinthians 7:5 KJV - 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

 

[PastorLarry]

Oh, I had not known there was a distance involved in their relationship. That certainly does make a difference. But it also might help to explain why it is not working. "Just sayin'"

Yes, I TRIED to teach my wife the Scriptures. You would have thought she would have paid some attention to my counsel and reading to her of the Word. It didn't. We did have sex much more than she wanted, but normally not over 2 or 3 times a week. Fortunately I have always had to be doing something. Back in the early 1970's right through to today - I involved myself in what we would call the Patriotic Movement and was out speaking to some group or other almost daily, only being home to preach on Sundays. That helped a lot because I was doing other things - other than thinking so much about my needs (not saying that stopped the needs, but helped). I tried everything to govern myself and I guess it worked, but I am still an unhappy and unfulfilled man. She divorced me about 10 years ago so she doesn't have to contend with me, though she still lives in my house as my guest. I'm looking to God to supply my need. Sometimes I think He sees my need as something else. But I've not advertised, nor have I learned how to flirt I guess. Several widows attend my Church, but I wouldn't want to even talk about dating any of them. I am sunk if the Lord doesn't provide - at least one.

 

[ChoosingGod]

In his case he has a 14 hour round trip to see second wife. This may not be feasible. We don’t know all the details. We don’t even know if she wants him there at this point. So without knowing that, it seems unreasonable to expect him not to sleep with first wife while at home.

Also, did you teach your first wife that it was wrong to withhold sex from you.

I tried getting sw a roof closer to me, she said I am not interested. When I went to visit her after 7 hours of travel she asked for fw and kids to go out of the house to her parents to feel what it is like to be rejected and sleep elsewhere, I didn’t accept, no way, not negociable. She shown me the door. I reminded her that it’s her who joined our family, I left.

For my fw, it is not a problem for sex, she was uneasy for a while, but it went ok afterwards. I am not at the point of giving my wives an obligation to have sex with me, I want to respect their needs too.

For the sw that was a problem. She whitholded sex from me (couldn’t even touch her or kiss her) because she said that is was « gross » that I had sex with my fw a few days ago (when switching weeks). I will not go into details here out of respect for her. I did at some point put my fist in the bed because of frustration and said that if it was so, that I would just sleep on the couch, it would be less difficult for me. She said it was manipulation and an attempt to coerce her, and still thinks it was the case…

That being said, disrespectful text messages continues and she says shes not coming back so… second question: should I continue paying for her expanses? I want to help to the measure of my capability, but can’t afford it if she is not at my home.
Even David continued supplying for Michal even if he knew her not afterwards. I really am confused in all this…

 

[ChoosingGod]

Sometimes we imperfect people have unreasonable expectations. Those expectations can form or exist for and from a wide variety of reasons and sources....but the problems they cause in marriage and family life will look the same....stressed people with hurting hearts and/or heads as we try to understand what makes no sense to us.

I pray that YHWH with give you all understanding (higher / different perspective....let her understand her place and blessing in your home) and let His spirit bridge those gulfs between your hearts and minds.
Father, we know this family has done something rare in this world, and that many will judge them and in turn their faith and walk....and even the truth of your word because of the second wife. Please intervene and save their marriage and family and let their lives as they seek to walk in your truth bring you glory.

Thank you, I pray too that she will find peace.
I really thought that I was able to unite her to my family and finally give her the family she never had… we were all in adaptation, talked a lot and tried our best for it to work. I don’t know God’s plan in all this, but now she is making me feel culpability for letting her down.

 

[PastorLarry]

It is really unfair for someone like me to make evaluations without knowing the whole story. I'm sure if I had read further back I would have known all that. In answer to your question regarding paying her expenses my immediate thought would be "no, why would you." But there too, you are the one involved here and not myself. I can barely balance my bank accounts, let alone give adequate counsel in this way. But it would seem to me that she has separated herself from you and as such, you would not and perhaps SHOULD NOT further support her in any way.

 

[NBTX11]

Oh, I had not known there was a distance involved in their relationship. That certainly does make a difference. But it also might help to explain why it is not working. "Just sayin'"

Yes, I TRIED to teach my wife the Scriptures. You would have thought she would have paid some attention to my counsel and reading to her of the Word. It didn't. We did have sex much more than she wanted, but normally not over 2 or 3 times a week. Fortunately I have always had to be doing something. Back in the early 1970's right through to today - I involved myself in what we would call the Patriotic Movement and was out speaking to some group or other almost daily, only being home to preach on Sundays. That helped a lot because I was doing other things - other than thinking so much about my needs (not saying that stopped the needs, but helped). I tried everything to govern myself and I guess it worked, but I am still an unhappy and unfulfilled man. She divorced me about 10 years ago so she doesn't have to contend with me, though she still lives in my house as my guest. I'm looking to God to supply my need. Sometimes I think He sees my need as something else. But I've not advertised, nor have I learned how to flirt I guess. Several widows attend my Church, but I wouldn't want to even talk about dating any of them. I am sunk if the Lord doesn't provide - at least one.

Brother, the Lord can provide your need for a woman. I pray He does so.

First, I question whether you are actually divorced from your wife. A woman can't initiate a divorce biblically. So you may not actually be divorced biblically. In order to divorce, YOU must initiate a divorce (write a bill of divorcement), give it to her, and send her out of your house. She hasn't been sent out of your house. Others can possibly chime in on this.

But, if I were you, I would keep praying for a woman, while at the same time taking steps to make it happen. Maybe begin a conversation with one of the widows you're interested in and invite her out to coffee or something like that. Keep it all above board and try to develop a friendship and see if it goes anywhere. If nothing else, you may have gained a friend. You can talk to any single lady you want to. There's nothing wrong with it, even if you are married. Of course it would be sinful to try to court a married woman that is off limits to you.

God bless brother Larry. I pray God will provide.

 

[NBTX11]

I tried getting sw a roof closer to me, she said I am not interested. When I went to visit her after 7 hours of travel she asked for fw and kids to go out of the house to her parents to feel what it is like to be rejected and sleep elsewhere, I didn’t accept, no way, not negociable. She shown me the door. I reminded her that it’s her who joined our family, I left.

For my fw, it is not a problem for sex, she was uneasy for a while, but it went ok afterwards. I am not at the point of giving my wives an obligation to have sex with me, I want to respect their needs too.

For the sw that was a problem. She whitholded sex from me (couldn’t even touch her or kiss her) because she said that is was « gross » that I had sex with my fw a few days ago (when switching weeks). I will not go into details here out of respect for her. I did at some point put my fist in the bed because of frustration and said that if it was so, that I would just sleep on the couch, it would be less difficult for me. She said it was manipulation and an attempt to coerce her, and still thinks it was the case…

That being said, disrespectful text messages continues and she says shes not coming back so… second question: should I continue paying for her expanses? I want to help to the measure of my capability, but can’t afford it if she is not at my home.
Even David continued supplying for Michal even if he knew her not afterwards. I really am confused in all this…

Your second wife has a really warped view of sex. It is not gross to have sex with her after having sex with first wife. It is a beautiful expression of your love for her. You responding in anger probably wasn't overly helpful, but I certainly understand the frustration. I would be too. I won't give away family secrets but needless to say, with me and both of my women, there are no problems having sex when the desire comes up for any of us.

As far as the paying for the second wife expenses, that's tricky. Yes, you should provide for her. You're still married. But she's also being unreasonable in a way. She can't bleed you dry and expect every expense to be met, if you just simply don't have the funds. It may get to the point where you have to say, I will provide for your expenses, if you do things my way (live closer to me, in a reasonable location and cost, etc.), otherwise, if you reject that offer, then I can't.

You're still married and still under the command to love, so try to show love to her, even if she is not submitting.

 

[PastorLarry]

Oh, you are quite right. She divorced me by the state's standards. I did not put her away and I would not have done so because I would not do that to her, regardless the horror she has made of the marriage. She did it to save face in case I brought someone else into my house. We divided the properties so I kept the main home (estate) while she kept the two rental homes which she is renting out. I will NOT put her away regardless what she does because I would then be forcing her to adultery should she marry anyone else and (horrors) have intimate relations with him. And of course she would because her mate would be a MAN who has expectations. This way, if she commits adultery, that is on her dime. At this age it is unlikely and she certainly has no interest in anyone else.

Yes, you are quite right - God will provide. But I also know that God provided Hosea's wife. The pain that was his would have been unimaginable. Yet, it was all for a purpose. It pictured GOD'S suffering because of the whoredoms of His wives. We needed to see that in order to feel that. I only know all I know about poly because of my sexual sufferings these many years. That God has not provided me a mate all these years has been a surprise, but I do know this. I would not have the understanding that is mine were it not for my sufferings. I have written many, many papers on poly and would never have even understood the subject had I now endured what has been my lot to experience. Obviously nothing I have written has been experiential - it has been Biblical.

Thank you so very much for your prayers. I need all I can get.

 

[MemeFan]

For the sw that was a problem. She whitholded sex from me (couldn’t even touch her or kiss her) because she said that is was « gross » that I had sex with my fw a few days ago (when switching weeks). I will not go into details here out of respect for her. I did at some point put my fist in the bed because of frustration and said that if it was so, that I would just sleep on the couch, it would be less difficult for me. She said it was manipulation and an attempt to coerce her, and still thinks it was the case…

Your wife isn't attracted to you. In another words, she isn't willing to breed with you. Situation will get better when you fix this.

You need less prayer and more weight lifting.

You also seem to have dominance/putting yourself first issues. Why are even paying for her?
Even prostitute would show you more respect than her.

By paying for her, you are teaching her it's OK to treat you with disrespect. There is no punishment for her. Have some balls and demand respect. Not like would you like, more like you will.

Being such disrespected mush have eated your confidence and soul.

Women don't forgive weakness in their men. And never cry in front of her.

 

[ChoosingGod]

Your wife isn't attracted to you. In another words, she isn't willing to breed with you. Situation will get better when you fix this.

You need less prayer and more weight lifting.

You also seem to have dominance/putting yourself first issues. Why are even paying for her?
Even prostitute would show you more respect than her.

By paying for her, you are teaching her it's OK to treat you with disrespect. There is no punishment for her. Have some balls and demand respect. Not like would you like, more like you will.

Being such disrespected mush have eated your confidence and soul.

Women don't forgive weakness in their men. And never cry in front of her.

She was deeply attracted at first. Idealized me even. But when small things happened over time, she retracted and diabolized me.

She has her punishment in a way, she is back at square one, with no job, no house, back to his ex place. I didn’t want that. She is very stubborn and will not comply to my house rules, nor even abide by our discussed rules in between us three.

At this time, your answers from you all are giving me a direction. I will pray for this and yes, be a man, before she came home and took control, because this is the way I really feel.

 

[ChoosingGod]

Your wife isn't attracted to you. In another words, she isn't willing to breed with you. Situation will get better when you fix this.

You need less prayer and more weight lifting.

You also seem to have dominance/putting yourself first issues. Why are even paying for her?
Even prostitute would show you more respect than her.

By paying for her, you are teaching her it's OK to treat you with disrespect. There is no punishment for her. Have some balls and demand respect. Not like would you like, more like you will.

Being such disrespected mush have eated your confidence and soul.

Women don't forgive weakness in their men. And never cry in front of her.

Please do not compare her to a prostitute. I understand what you mean, but she had a very difficult childhood being beaten by her mom, without a father… always had difficulty with opening up in intimacy, she got far with me, but now it’s over.

 

[Joleneakamama]

I tried getting sw a roof closer to me, she said I am not interested. When I went to visit her after 7 hours of travel she asked for fw and kids to go out of the house to her parents to feel what it is like to be rejected and sleep elsewhere, I didn’t accept, no way, not negociable.

She seems to be only seeing the family from her own place of feeling and emotion.
I am sure your first wife could also feel deprived or rejected by you spending time with your second wife....but it wouldn't mean she was rejected.
At the same time she might have wanted to discuss your relationship without your first wife and children present. That may have been part of her feelings that caused her to express that.

She shown me the door. I reminded her that it’s her who joined our family, I left.

Emotional intimacy has always been hard for me. It can be very difficult to even identify what we feel, or what we feel is missing, when we don't feel connected to our partner.
This is where women can support women with an understanding that men may not even have....or be capable of with empathy. Men are wired didferent and have different needs.

I am not at the point of giving my wives an obligation to have sex with me, I want to respect their needs too.

My husband is like you and would be frustrated if he felt rejected by a wife. He wouldn't ever want to force himself on his wife.

For the sw that was a problem. She whitholded sex from me (couldn’t even touch her or kiss her) because she said that is was « gross » that I had sex with my fw a few days ago (when switching weeks). I will not go into details here out of respect for her.

This gets very personal, and I appreciate your consideration of her.....but here her expectations and personal feelings are getting in the way of her being able to fully enjoy her time with you. Even if the Bible says you must wash and are unclean until evening after being intimate with your wife....it never said you were "unclean" for days.
Certain parables even suggest that this didn't keep a man from "marrying" five women in the same day.
But none of that is relevant to your second wife unless she can believe that marriage to you was/is God's will for her life and that staying in His will is the way to happiness through holiness.
If she gives up... the reasons why she gave up won't change or un-do the damage.

 

[Joleneakamama]

She was deeply attracted at first. Idealized me even. But when small things happened over time, she retracted and diabolized me.

Back to likely unreasonable expectations.

She has her punishment in a way, she is back at square one, with no job, no house, back to his ex place. I didn’t want that. She is very stubborn and will not comply to my house rules, nor even abide by our discussed rules in between us three.

This means you might should have calmly enforced your rules. There is nothing about a man drawing a hard line for the good of all concerned that is unnatractive. Also, Jesus wept, so there is nothing about tears that makes a man less either. Putting the good of others ahead of yourself will always be a good quality. . .and make you attractive to women.....but anything perceived as selfish or self serving can do the opposite.
Ultimately it is her choice how she sees you....but communicating your feelings and motives is important so she can see your heart is toward God and your family.

At this time, your answers from you all are giving me a direction. I will pray for this and yes, be a man, before she came home and took control, because this is the way I really feel.

If you feel you abdicated your role as head of house, repent, and try again.
Even if she has left, she is only lost to you if you no longer want her....and that cpuld send the message to her that you never did.

I have a dear aunt that ignorantly and foolishly ran out on her husband many years ago. She repented after 6 weeks and came back. They had two children when she left him. Now they have nine all grown up and are enjoying their grandchildren together.
She can run away.....but she cannot divorce you.
You took her as a wife, and should do what you can to reconcile. Let her know you want her back and love her. There is a woman on here who was a second wife....and she wanted to quit....and her husband communicating his love for her and that he needed her prevented her from quitting. Now she is close with his first wife and they live in harmony.
Nothing is impossible with God.