So to give some background, this morning in our Sunday morning Family Time/ Bible Study, we discussed several things and issues relating to family, past and current. One of the isssues that surfaced was the topic of monogamy only marriage vows that were exchanged including the expectations and intents of those vows when they were exchanged.
I know from many conversations on this forum and in real life that this is a huge stumbling block in most marriages as they move towards a Biblical Family mindset.
Typically that conversation goes something like this.
Him> Baby, you’ll never believe what I just learned. You know that monogamy only thing we were taught was Biblical? It’s not true!!!!!! Yeaaaaa!!!!!
Her>. What the heck are you talking about? There’s no way!
Him>. Check it out for yourself
Her>. (After searching through the Scriptures for months). Um . . . . I guess you’re right, but . . . You vowed to love and be married to me alone! So whether or not its biblical, you cant break our vows!!!
Him>. Um . . . . You’re right. . . .but it’s biblical! Um. . . . Don’t you wanna be biblical? How about we redo our vows so that we’re more in line with what’s biblical?
Her>. Sooooo Solly! I like the way it is now, this is what WE agreed to originally and I don’t want it to change.
Him (thinking)>. If I had known that I could have built my family structure differently, I wouldn’t have agreed to those vows.
Her (thinking)> Sucks to be you
Everything in the above conversation revolves around the wedding vows. Everyone that I’m aware of who has been married pre-knowledge of Biblical acceptance of poly has gotten caught up in the monogamy only wedding vows trap. Except me!
Now, I don’t know how that happened, because our mutual intent and understanding of our marriage was to be married to each other monogamously. That was the basis and foundation of our vows as we knew it. Our conversations with each other on the subject over the last few years have been had with this understanding and as some of you have read, about 2 years ago we revised our vows more in accordance with a Biblical view.
Fast forward to several months ago, and we pulled out our wedding file and was going thru it and I discovered that the pastor that married us was kind enough to give us his notes that he used to perform the ceremony, including our vows. Imagine my surprise to find out that mine were actually Biblical as was hers.
My vows to her was as follows:
I, VV6, take thee, Well loved wife, to be my lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward for better for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part. According to God’s holy ordinance, and thereto I give thee my love.
Hers: I, Well loved wife; in the presence of Almighty God and these witnesses here present, promise to love, honor, and obey this man, VV76, Whose hands I now hold, I promise to be true and faithful to him, I promise to forsake all others and cleave unto him and him only until death do us part.
So my vows, as best I can tell are not exclusive and hers are. Just as they were supposed to be. I have not had a chance to ask the pastor why he did them this way, and he may not even be alive, but I will forever be thankful whatever the reason.
Thats great for me, sucks for the rest of you guys!!! Just kidding! For me, I have not used this as leverage in our relationship (I really didnt need to as we’d already modified our vows) but the issue of intent when we were married has come up several times, as it did this morning. The actual vows notwithstanding, it was undeniably my intent to be married to my wife and be faithful to her only. I simply had no idea that there was another perfectly acceptable blueprint that I could choose to build my family on.
For a lot of first wives, this is a huge issue. Some will say that had they known beforehand that poly was on the table, they would have never agreed and maybe they are right. Maybe not. After this morning that direction of conversation does not have the impact for me that it did previously. Why? Before, I was more concerned with helping my wife deal with the idea of being ok with choosing poly.
But this morning, I realized something. Whether the fault lies with the culture, or the Christian upbringing or lack thereof, or the men and women who (advertently or inadvertently) presented me with two and only two options for my life (celibacy and monogamy), they were the catalyst that kept me from my God given right to build my family as I chose. It’s all about the family. If I had full knowledge of poly and chose to restrict myself to monogamy, then I’d have no room to complain about it. No one else would be responsible for restricting my family. But thats not the case. In fact, I am certain that had I known that polygyny was a biblically acceptable construct, I would definitely have pursued a couple of other wives when I was younger.
I’m not looking to create a boogeyman or fabricate an enemy of my family. I am not looking to assign blame for deliberate choices I made. What I came to realize today was that there exists a very real enemy of my family and this enemy deliberately defrauded me of my God given right to design and build my family within the parameters of God’s design as I knowingly chose and to the fullest extent of my God given abilities.
In so many words, the right to build my family to the fullest extent of God’s blessing and my abilities I’ve come to realize is my birthright. Anything that is contrary to that (including my own limitations and lack of informed consent) is the enemy of my family.
I know from many conversations on this forum and in real life that this is a huge stumbling block in most marriages as they move towards a Biblical Family mindset.
Typically that conversation goes something like this.
Him> Baby, you’ll never believe what I just learned. You know that monogamy only thing we were taught was Biblical? It’s not true!!!!!! Yeaaaaa!!!!!
Her>. What the heck are you talking about? There’s no way!
Him>. Check it out for yourself
Her>. (After searching through the Scriptures for months). Um . . . . I guess you’re right, but . . . You vowed to love and be married to me alone! So whether or not its biblical, you cant break our vows!!!
Him>. Um . . . . You’re right. . . .but it’s biblical! Um. . . . Don’t you wanna be biblical? How about we redo our vows so that we’re more in line with what’s biblical?
Her>. Sooooo Solly! I like the way it is now, this is what WE agreed to originally and I don’t want it to change.
Him (thinking)>. If I had known that I could have built my family structure differently, I wouldn’t have agreed to those vows.
Her (thinking)> Sucks to be you
Everything in the above conversation revolves around the wedding vows. Everyone that I’m aware of who has been married pre-knowledge of Biblical acceptance of poly has gotten caught up in the monogamy only wedding vows trap. Except me!
Now, I don’t know how that happened, because our mutual intent and understanding of our marriage was to be married to each other monogamously. That was the basis and foundation of our vows as we knew it. Our conversations with each other on the subject over the last few years have been had with this understanding and as some of you have read, about 2 years ago we revised our vows more in accordance with a Biblical view.
Fast forward to several months ago, and we pulled out our wedding file and was going thru it and I discovered that the pastor that married us was kind enough to give us his notes that he used to perform the ceremony, including our vows. Imagine my surprise to find out that mine were actually Biblical as was hers.
My vows to her was as follows:
I, VV6, take thee, Well loved wife, to be my lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward for better for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part. According to God’s holy ordinance, and thereto I give thee my love.
Hers: I, Well loved wife; in the presence of Almighty God and these witnesses here present, promise to love, honor, and obey this man, VV76, Whose hands I now hold, I promise to be true and faithful to him, I promise to forsake all others and cleave unto him and him only until death do us part.
So my vows, as best I can tell are not exclusive and hers are. Just as they were supposed to be. I have not had a chance to ask the pastor why he did them this way, and he may not even be alive, but I will forever be thankful whatever the reason.
Thats great for me, sucks for the rest of you guys!!! Just kidding! For me, I have not used this as leverage in our relationship (I really didnt need to as we’d already modified our vows) but the issue of intent when we were married has come up several times, as it did this morning. The actual vows notwithstanding, it was undeniably my intent to be married to my wife and be faithful to her only. I simply had no idea that there was another perfectly acceptable blueprint that I could choose to build my family on.
For a lot of first wives, this is a huge issue. Some will say that had they known beforehand that poly was on the table, they would have never agreed and maybe they are right. Maybe not. After this morning that direction of conversation does not have the impact for me that it did previously. Why? Before, I was more concerned with helping my wife deal with the idea of being ok with choosing poly.
But this morning, I realized something. Whether the fault lies with the culture, or the Christian upbringing or lack thereof, or the men and women who (advertently or inadvertently) presented me with two and only two options for my life (celibacy and monogamy), they were the catalyst that kept me from my God given right to build my family as I chose. It’s all about the family. If I had full knowledge of poly and chose to restrict myself to monogamy, then I’d have no room to complain about it. No one else would be responsible for restricting my family. But thats not the case. In fact, I am certain that had I known that polygyny was a biblically acceptable construct, I would definitely have pursued a couple of other wives when I was younger.
I’m not looking to create a boogeyman or fabricate an enemy of my family. I am not looking to assign blame for deliberate choices I made. What I came to realize today was that there exists a very real enemy of my family and this enemy deliberately defrauded me of my God given right to design and build my family within the parameters of God’s design as I knowingly chose and to the fullest extent of my God given abilities.
In so many words, the right to build my family to the fullest extent of God’s blessing and my abilities I’ve come to realize is my birthright. Anything that is contrary to that (including my own limitations and lack of informed consent) is the enemy of my family.
