This father was protective, but not very proactive. We knew he had studied the bible and accepted that polygyny was lawful. We all knew it is another matter when it's your daughter.
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Ah the worst sort. The most conservative of dads all too often become flaming feminists when it comes to their little princess.
We really need to find a general solution to that problem. We'll never raise a generation of women suitable for marriage if we don't.
Rockfox--you're blowing my brain circuits! I see you batting "feminism" from one end of the ball field to the other, and now you're saying ,"The most conservative of dads all too often become flaming feminists"?!? Uhmmmm--could you explain yourself on this--PLEASE?
We'll never raise a generation of women suitable for marriage if we don't.
Are you talking BF marriage or just monogamous marriage?
Your question will take us way off topic. Why don't you start a new thread.
We will get it taken care of in the Millennium. We won’t have time to make a big difference before then.
I think it is no different than a monogamous romance. Sometimes you can stay friends and laugh it off and sometimes you get so close it burns. I think if she had said no right away we could have stayed friends. But being sort of stuck in the middle wrecked things. She did not understand why we could not date indefinitely. I felt like since we had known each other for 8 years that was enough time, and I figured my proposal deserved a definitive answer. So many times we went round and round, but we were never able to come to any agreement or really even an understanding of each other. When it seemed like it was not going anywhere I worked very hard to stay friends and in the end she got bitter when things did not work out the way she wanted. And then when you lose respect there is nothing left, so I stopped talking to her.
She is not a bad person, just not right for me. And she really was not right for polygamy. She had a competitve streak, and that is deadly. You really need good will and the desire to cooperate for the betterment of all to be successful I think. Also, looking back I do not think we really trusted each other. She did not trust that I would love her as much as my wife, and I did not trust that she would really be committed for life.
The relationship ended in nothing, but it was a huge growing experience for my wife and I. We learned a lot about each other and I think our marriage is stronger for it. I also felt that my walk with God improved. I learned more about walking in faith and how little control I have in outcomes, and even that the outcome is not the most important thing. It is more about doing the right thing and solving the question of what would please and honor God the most right now? I think it helped her, too. She started reading her Bible, and then going to church regularly during this ordeal. Our friendship got wrecked but it caused her to move closer to God.
My wife talked at the retreat about her faith in me being justified, and I feel the same way about her. It was very difficult for her, and I realize that I put her in a difficult position, but I had faith in her and her strength as a person and her love for me, that I felt like our marriage could handle it, and I think that that belief was justified. It kind of felt like we survived the trial by fire.
Secondly, I always thought it was a long shot, but I felt the dream was worth the risk and I still feel that way. I loved her. I loved her kids. I could see a future with all of us together in the same house. I spent hours painting the picture. Her kids were all excited about it. But it was not to be. Love is risky whether monogamous or polygamous, but the reward is huge and worth the effort I think. I would do it again in a heartbeat and hope for a better outcome.
There are lots of excellent reasons to avoid polygamy, but I do not think the possibility that you will come out on the other end with a broken heart (which is true) is one of them. In life you just have to go for it.
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So were you stuck in kind of like in a super friend zone surrogate daddy role?
That you and your wife would purse another poly relationship after such hurt you both went through is very inspirational to hear. I've often thought that if a situation like this happened to my husband and I that I don't know how much my heart would be willing to try again. I forgive very easily, but I don't usually put myself out there again once I've been hurt. I applaud you and your wife for still seeing the benefits of loving another again.
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Not to take away from @cnystrom's wonderful revealing of his families journey (and sorry if I stuck myself in here), but I understand that when these things happen the end result is it proves even more that PM is not a choice one just makes on their own, but a life that was chosen for them. The pain is real and deeper than anything else in the world because one doesn't just lose the personal relationship, but there comes a wrenching of the soul because somehow one feels they have lost God in the process. It's not an easy thing to lose, but when it is over, the rainbows do come out. And who is to say that that particular relationship wasn't just a test for a greater one to come. And in the end, if no PM relationship is ever given, the bond that is created between the two, or others who remain, makes it all worth it.
That is the thing. With her it was definitely more than friends, plenty of physical chemistry although she did kind of have a daddy complex. I mean my intention was really to stay just friends, but despite my intentions the relationship with her got to be more than that kind of on its own to the point where I believed that the right thing to do if I wanted to keep her in my life was to propose. But once I did it was really hard to pinpoint where we stood. She had some sort of aversion to the term "marriage". I felt like it was important to know why, but I was never able to despite hours of conversation and messages. It was like we were on different wavelengths.
But it was clear to me that she was not following me which I think was a critical element. I mean, for example, just from step #1 - the proposal. Obviously I wanted a yes answer. But I never got it. Hard to move forward without that.
We got along really wonderful as friends. When we were friends I did not need to really understand her totally. I could just marvel at her uniqueness from a distance. She was and is a very interesting person. However, I felt like to have an intimate relationship I needed to understand her, and she understand me, but we were unable to really do so.
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The thing about orbitors/friends and girls is they'll let them get away with a lot of intimacy if necessary to keep them on the hook; even a quicky in a moment of weakness. Aversion to marriage could be because that meant leaving the friendzone. Or it could be she just didn't want to loose control. The second one is certain from what you say; but could be both.
Daddy complex can be good; but often comes with a lot of bad.
'Very interesting person'. That's a strong tell I've ran across before. I can't remember what though. Maybe from a warning about bad MB personality matchups. Or maybe, she kind of sounds like she might be a ingénue; I'm not well versed in those things or her to say though.
Regardless of the why, you're better off. You want the girl who says 'hell yes' to marrying you. Anything short of that is bound for trouble.
Daddy complex can be good; but often comes with a lot of bad.
'Very interesting person'. That's a strong tell I've ran across before. I can't remember what though. Maybe from a warning about bad MB personality matchups. Or maybe, she kind of sounds like she might be a ingénue; I'm not well versed in those things or her to say though.
Regardless of the why, you're better off. You want the girl who says 'hell yes' to marrying you. Anything short of that is bound for trouble.
Glad you "stuck yourself in here".
"it proves even more that PM is not a choice one just makes on their own, but a life that was chosen for them" This thought echos that of mine and resembles comments I've heard VV76 make. My trajectory totally changed the night VV76 spent 2 hours patiently working through the Scriptures on plural marriage. He'd already carefully brought WellLovedWife along on the journey, and now because he wanted me, his mom, to have a chance to hear truth, he was sharing with me. That was in April on Thursday night before Resurrection Sunday. The firestorm was already kindled, but little did we know the raging conflagration it would become within 48 hours. I look around myself now and wonder at where my Yeshua has brought me. It's obvious that I'm where I am because He orders my steps because I ask Him to do so. Because I cannot understand all the why's and wherefore's, I'm simply having to TRUST His choosing.
"there comes a wrenching of the soul because somehow one feels they have lost God in the process" I cannot comprehend the idea of having lost God. Do you mean you feel like you have somehow failed God? or is it that it seems God is nowhere around--you feel so alone and forsaken--even though your head tells you He won't forsake.
"in the end, if no PM relationship is ever given, the bond that is created between the two, or others who remain, makes it all worth it" This thought has been mentioned by at least 3 couples who've experienced the loss of a potential being added to the home. Wm Paul Young makes the comment, "God doesn't waste anything." So in spite of the horrendous amount of hurt that seems to come with this, at least you're saying you can see good coming from it--that's a little bit of encouragement.
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It's not that one loses God, it just feels like you have lost a dream that God gave you. But, as it turns out, in time, you find that the dream is not over, and there is more to come.
Death and resurrection is a major theme to God and His workings in our lives. Death of anything is scary though, at least on this side. But, resurrection, now that's cool, and brings all manner of praise and worship to the One Creator.
When a door closes it can feel like God is against you, but then another door opens and takes you to a place you never even thought possible before.
Since the retreat some of my views have changed. I support and believe pm is biblical however.... I think that just as many in the Hebrew scriptures did not have multiple wives many today are not meant to either. If you need a spice up in your marriage don't look for another wife... wrong reason. Why look for her? Why not let things be and should it happen then you all will be blessed. If it doesn't then you still have an amazing wife by your side.
As a single woman, having a bunch of men looking for their 2nd, 3rd etc. Is intimidating as heck! Too many expectations to meet and when expectations aren't met people get hurt and what could be a great friendship is lost. I don't want to hurt anyone or to be hurt!
Ok enough from me.
As a single woman, having a bunch of men looking for their 2nd, 3rd etc. Is intimidating as heck! Too many expectations to meet and when expectations aren't met people get hurt and what could be a great friendship is lost. I don't want to hurt anyone or to be hurt!
Ok enough from me.
I think most serious polygamists would agree that polygamy is not for everyone, or even for the majority of people.
Facebook is full of polygamy groups filled with people playing polygamy. 98% of them should not be polygamsists. Those are the ones they are trying to grab anyone just so they can do it. And if she does not work out a month later they send her packing. It is clear they do not and never really believed that it is lifelong committed marriage.
Should you be surprised? Neither do most people think that of monogamous marriage.
Slight tweak: Polygamy could be for everybody, but our culture is so far fallen that most people are not capable of even the rudimentary changes that would be required. It's not that polygamy is too high; it's that our culture is too low.