Churchianity Lacks PRACTICAL Answers For Single Women!

[The Revolting Man]

When I was single, I already thought that finding a girl to marry was going to be an impossible task. The way I did it is the way I always advise. I used Matt 6:30-33 and 1 Corinthians 7:27 as my guide posts, and focused on serving God the best way that I could and let Him find me someone to marry. I later came to find that He had begun to provide me His answer from the same time that I had purposed in my heart to approach it this way, though it would be a few years between that and the day I actually found her.

My point is that God knows that most of his sons need a woman. And if we prioritize HIS Kingdom and HIS Righteousness, He will supply us all our need. That's a promise. And I agree (though maybe not the same way) that the emphasis is on the man doing something. But I would put forward that what the man needs to do is make sure that his goals are to further the kingdom of Heaven and to grow in righteousness. Along the path he'll have to step up and ask a girl/her father about something at some point, but even then unless the Lord builds the house: He labors in vain who impresses a girl's father.

From a purely practical standpoint: You know, even completely leaving out the power of God's intervention and planning, If I see a young man chasing hard after God, I'm more inclined to be the kind of man that @James A is looking for. You know, the kind that approaches him and says "Hey bud, have you considered my daughter? She's precious to me but I think I'd like her to be under your care". But the more I see a young man struggling trying to get the attention of females or currying favor with the fathers of available women, the more apt I am to hide my own daughter from him. Not that I don't understand where they're at and I can sympathize with them, but like my good buddy Laban: My chief interest is for my daughter's well being. I want a son in law that I can believe in. Of course my daughter is pretty and gets attention. Damn right. She gets it from me. But who are you that I should give my daughter away? And I don't think my mindset is all that rare.

We should teach our boys to be face-of-God-seeking men, and hold our daughters in reserve for the same; and past that I don't know how much more of a real contribution we can make to the equation.

What else do you think we should do?

I disagree. He who findeth a wife findeth a good thing. If you want to get married then go get married. We over spiritualized this. This is why the homeschool movement and the purity crowd are filled to the brim with failure to launch children and unmarried singles. We sit around and “wait on God” which frequently becomes an excuse to do nothing. Find the best option available to you and get to work.

 

[Asforme&myhouse]

I disagree. He who findeth a wife findeth a good thing. If you want to get married then go get married. We over spiritualized this. This is why the homeschool movement and the purity crowd are filled to the brim with failure to launch children and unmarried singles. We sit around and “wait on God” which frequently becomes an excuse to do nothing. Find the best option available to you and get to work.

Amen

 

[Verifyveritas76]

So just a side note that circles back a bit to @FollowingHim golden post and also what others have mentioned about 3rd parties.

In situations where a single lady here on BF doesn't have a father to approach a family or a single man on her behalf I was thinking that maybe the BF staff could be an intermediate party. So she can PM a staff member and the staff member can reach out to the lucky man or family on her behalf. Possibly without mentioning her name at first if she so desires.

This is still a concept in flux.

This is a great concept and one I imagine was utilized in the early church for young widows etc. IMO the comfort level goes way up for both interested parties when a facilitator can initiate discovery and then make a formal introduction and then let the two parties have whatever conversation ensues.

I’m certain that if any of the older guys were approached with a request for discovery or introduction they would be honored to fill that role. Just don’t expect their involvement to be any kind of guarantee of your success in sealing the deal, that’s on you. In certain cases, they may even agree to help with or facilitate the initial conversation as well, just to make sure that things get off on the right foot, and to help that foot stay out of ones mouth!

 

[rockfox]

If you want a Biblical wife from a Biblical family, they will be wondering why it took you so long to ask

Well if there is such a family out there wondering that, I'd suggest they just broach the subject themselves. As @FollowingHim said, we're busy and will sometimes overlook someone. And sometimes someone will misevaluate a prospect or misinterpret a signal she gave.

 

[Slumberfreeze]

I disagree. He who findeth a wife findeth a good thing. If you want to get married then go get married. We over spiritualized this. This is why the homeschool movement and the purity crowd are filled to the brim with failure to launch children and unmarried singles. We sit around and “wait on God” which frequently becomes an excuse to do nothing. Find the best option available to you and get to work.

I'm not sure I disagree with you enough to play this straight, so instead I'll be putting on my devil's advocate hat.

Jacob was a home schooled, failure to launch child who ended up with four wives. He didn't get married till he was nigh on 50 years old (by my math) and didn't leave his father's house till his father's death and he literally had to flee for his life. So what's wrong with being labelled as a failure to launch and what's wrong with being an unmarried single? By contrast: What's so clever about kicking children out of the house as soon as they are adults? What's so shameful about being single?

Lifting the hat just a smidge: I could not have taken your advice. Going on "the best option available" is heavily dependent on perception. Six months before I noticed Rainy: if you would have asked me what the best option available was... I'd have said the girl that just asked me out who I'm not particularly attracted to and is writing me love letters is pretty much the common sense choice. (Even though she didn't seem like being submissive to a man was exactly her thing, but nobody's perfect, right?) If a person would have pointed out that Rainy was literally standing right behind me pining away for my attention I would have said she wasn't a realistic option because of (reasons) . God had to change my perception to get me to even see the best option available.

And then the ball was in my court, for sure. I still had wrestle with myself to get over my (reasons). I still had to put my reputation on the line by inviting her into my office and ask her to be mine. I still had to face up to her father the next day. etc etc. So I'm not saying that someone should cloister themselves up and expect that God will dump them in front of an altar next to a gift wrapped box that contains a female.

But honestly: It get's cloudy when we pit cloudy philosophies against each other. So let me ask you the same question I asked Rock:

What else (specifically) do you think we should do?

 

[The Revolting Man]

I'm not sure I disagree with you enough to play this straight, so instead I'll be putting on my devil's advocate hat.

Jacob was a home schooled, failure to launch child who ended up with four wives. He didn't get married till he was nigh on 50 years old (by my math) and didn't leave his father's house till his father's death and he literally had to flee for his life. So what's wrong with being labelled as a failure to launch and what's wrong with being an unmarried single? By contrast: What's so clever about kicking children out of the house as soon as they are adults? What's so shameful about being single?

Lifting the hat just a smidge: I could not have taken your advice. Going on "the best option available" is heavily dependent on perception. Six months before I noticed Rainy: if you would have asked me what the best option available was... I'd have said the girl that just asked me out who I'm not particularly attracted to and is writing me love letters is pretty much the common sense choice. (Even though she didn't seem like being submissive to a man was exactly her thing, but nobody's perfect, right?) If a person would have pointed out that Rainy was literally standing right behind me pining away for my attention I would have said she wasn't a realistic option because of (reasons) . God had to change my perception to get me to even see the best option available.

And then the ball was in my court, for sure. I still had wrestle with myself to get over my (reasons). I still had to put my reputation on the line by inviting her into my office and ask her to be mine. I still had to face up to her father the next day. etc etc. So I'm not saying that someone should cloister themselves up and expect that God will dump them in front of an altar next to a gift wrapped box that contains a female.

But honestly: It get's cloudy when we pit cloudy philosophies against each other. So let me ask you the same question I asked Rock:

What else (specifically) do you think we should do?

I think if you’re interested in a woman you should pursue her. Is she good marriage material? Can you take on a wife? If so then marry her.
I personally am not against being very proactive with finding my daughters’ husbands. I will sure as hell approach a man on their behalf if I think he’s a good catch. Getting their children married well used to be one of parents’ great responsibilities.
There is no way I’m going to sit around and hope the right thing happens. It rarely ever does.

 

[Mage]

I personally am not against being very proactive with finding my daughters’ husbands. I will sure as hell approach a man on their behalf if I think he’s a good catch. Getting their children married well used to be one of parents’ great responsibilities.
There is no way I’m going to sit around and hope the right thing happens. It rarely ever does.

Yes!
Though if my daughter or the man is not interested I wouldn't force it.
I don't think you're saying this but want to put it out there for future readers so they don't get the wrong idea about what is being discussed.

 

[rockfox]

he was nigh on 50 years old

Our daughters don't have the luxury of waiting until their 50 to get married and start a family.

And there did seem to be a fair amount of failure to launch among the courting crowds.

 

[Slumberfreeze]

I think if you’re interested in a woman you should pursue her. Is she good marriage material? Can you take on a wife? If so then marry her.
I personally am not against being very proactive with finding my daughters’ husbands. I will sure as hell approach a man on their behalf if I think he’s a good catch. Getting their children married well used to be one of parents’ great responsibilities.
There is no way I’m going to sit around and hope the right thing happens. It rarely ever does.

Well dammit Zec if you're just gonna type out a bunch of things I agree with, I'm not gonna fight with you. I'm sorry man, I love you but you brought this on yourself.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

The wall is more properly known as a father, and brothers, and family, and it’s surprisingly Biblical. That’s why the father stands in front of the door! The wife stands inside the door! And the brothers and family are all watching out for the well being of the girls.

We see this works pretty well in India.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

Just a word to the wise, every Godly young woman I know would be more likely to tell you to go for a hike if you hadn’t previously asked her father.

As a father of a young Godly lady, if I’d found out that my daughter had been asked to go on a hike by a young man before I’d been approached, that would almost certainly guarantee his rejection as a suitable spouse.

And maybe a hike of our own.

I would say that my wife was godly, but with her being from another country, where they speak another language, I didn't get to know her parents before I got to know her, and she had to do all the translating, and because her mother and father did not get along, they kept him out of the loop.

 

[rockfox]

So well the men don't find their own mates, their parents have to arrange the marriages for them.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

So just a side note that circles back a bit to @FollowingHim golden post and also what others have mentioned about 3rd parties.

In situations where a single lady here on BF doesn't have a father to approach a family or a single man on her behalf I was thinking that maybe the BF staff could be an intermediate party. So she can PM a staff member and the staff member can reach out to the lucky man or family on her behalf. Possibly without mentioning her name at first if she so desires.

This is still a concept in flux.

I have a slight bit of uneasiness about this, due to its similarity to how the FLDS operates.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

So well the men don't find their own mates, their parents have to arrange the marriages for them.

I was referring to the fact that the divorce rate is not very high for these couples. I don't know that arranged marriages themselves are necessarily a good thing though.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

I think if you’re interested in a woman you should pursue her. Is she good marriage material? Can you take on a wife? If so then marry her.
I personally am not against being very proactive with finding my daughters’ husbands. I will sure as hell approach a man on their behalf if I think he’s a good catch. Getting their children married well used to be one of parents’ great responsibilities.
There is no way I’m going to sit around and hope the right thing happens. It rarely ever does.

One of the judges in Israel did just that, for his 30 sons and 30 daughters!

 

[Mage]

I have a slight bit of uneasiness about this, due to its similarity to how the FLDS operates.

Are you uneasy because of the concept itself or because the concept is similar a to concept in the FLDS?

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

Are you uneasy because of the concept itself or because the concept is similar a to concept in the FLDS?

I am mostly uneasy about the notion that a selected elder authority in that cult, makes all the decisions about who marries whom. In some cases, his decision is reciprocal. A man may be rewarded with an additional wife, because he allowed the leader of that group to marry his own daughter.

 

[rockfox]

I have a slight bit of uneasiness about this, due to its similarity to how the FLDS operates.

Lots of groups do that, not just FLDS; problems crop up when it becomes mandatory, rather than just a friendly help from respected individuals. Even even when it is the cultural expectation, abuse isn't a foregone conclusion.

I was referring to the fact that the divorce rate is not very high for these couples. I don't know that arranged marriages themselves are necessarily a good thing though.

That could be for other reasons. But there are arranged marriages in the Bible, such as Abraham for Isaac. I won't call them a bad thing. Our modern romantic approach has proven wanting.

 

[Mage]

I am mostly uneasy about the notion that a selected elder authority in that cult, makes all the decisions about who marries whom. In some cases, his decision is reciprocal. A man may be rewarded with an additional wife, because he allowed the leader of that group to marry his own daughter.

Given this description I can understand your uneasiness, but the concept wasn't that a BF staff member would be a determining authority on who marries whom but that for those woman how are uncomfortable with approaching a man have another avenue to contact a man that they would like to get to know better. The BF staff members would facilitate introductions between the 2 parties.
There would also not be a single staff member that would handle this that way she can contact a staff member she is comfortable with to make the introduction or if a single lady is interested in a staff member she can reach out to a different one to have them facilitate an introduction with the other.

 

[Phillip]

While doing a PDM program for F15’s in Saudi Arabia, a Saudi friend of mine told me how his wife was chosen for him. It was to bring two clans together. I personally liked his clan.

However, the day he was to meet his his future wife, he told his mother, “If she’s ugly or I don’t like her, I’m not gong to marry her!” They were married two weeks later. Last I heard they had three sons. He admitted to me that she loved him more than he loved her. And yet, it was a good marriage.