How to bring up Biblical marriage

[NBTX11]

Ok so most of you probably saw my posts in another thread, so I decided to create another thread seeking advice.

When @MsPurple1 and I discussed who could be a potential second wife and sister wife, we both kept coming back to one person. She also requested that I look from among ladies she already knew instead of a stranger. I thought that was a pretty good idea to avoid people with bad intentions.

The person we both agreed to consider was her cousin who was also her best friend in high school. This lady has never been married.

We took a trip to Michigan to visit family. That was the reason we gave everyone but the real reason was to see her. We both spent an entire week with her. She stayed with us the whole time and we had a great time.

We all connected extremely well and had many conversations about many different things. I had individual conversations with her as well, which went good and she opened up to me. We asked her to come visit us also at a later time. I enjoyed her company. We basically spent the entire week together with her. I did not bring up plural marriage although a part of me wanted to. I did get the vibe that she would probably be accepting. She was very open with me and appeared to really enjoy being around me and both of us.

She was raised with a Baptist and Bible church type background. She’s opposed to plural marriage because that’s what she was taught her entire life by every church she’s attended. Her family was always active in these types of churches, essentially attending every service.

How and when should I bring up plural marriage. Our current plan is to have her come visit us and while all of are sitting down together, bring it up to her in an open way. I also wrote a 15 page paper on polygamy that I plan on giving her. This probably can’t happen until September or so. Am I on the right track and do you have any opinions.

 

[MeganC]

How and when should I bring up plural marriage. Our current plan is to have her come visit us and while all of are sitting down together, bring it up to her in an open way. I also wrote a 15 page paper on polygamy that I plan on giving her. This probably can’t happen until September or so. Am I on the right track and do you have any opinions.

1. I stand by my advice to have your wife bring up the subject of poly. This is your wife's cousin and your wife's friend. Let your wife take the lead here. The two of them already have a relationship so let them build on it.

2. Save your 15 page paper for when the lady is interested or has said yes. If she's already anti-poly then your well considered and well written paper is not going to overcome her lifetime bias against poly.

3. Having her come visit is right on. Let her see you and your wife in a happy, clean, and well ordered home. Make sure you have a place for her that she can call her own if she decides to move in with you.

Go from there.

 

[NBTX11]

1. I stand by my advice to have your wife bring up the subject of poly. This is your wife's cousin and your wife's friend. Let your wife take the lead here. The two of them already have a relationship so let them build on it.

2. Save your 15 page paper for when the lady is interested or has said yes. If she's already anti-poly then your well considered and well written paper is not going to overcome her lifetime bias against poly.

3. Having her come visit is right on. Let her see you and your wife in a happy, clean, and well ordered home. Make sure you have a place for her that she can call her own if she decides to move in with you.

Go from there.

Thanks, Megan. I always thought I should be the one to bring it up to her, so you’ve given me something to consider.

I’m very logical so I thought if I presented all the Biblical facts which I wrote out that it be helpful.

Even though she’s currently against poly, I got the idea she’d be receptive to it also. Call it a vibe or intuition based on several things.

 

[Mark C]

Study Scripture together.

Yes, there are a hundred ways and places where the concept of polygyny being accepted, and even mandated (at least 3 obvious, by my count) will come up.

But when it comes to "current events," where we are, and 'where we're headed,' I suggest that it is the "two house" (aka 'two kingdoms,' Ezekiel's two sticks, and yes, Jer. 3, Ezek 23, and YHVH's two wives) parable that is fundamental to ANY such understanding. It's a great way to start, and I have found that if a potential wife won't allow herself to see even that, there's not much point in the rest...

The 'whore church' is still in exile. It's tangential enough to the 'personal stuff', and vital enough besides, that it's worth understanding ourselves, at minimum.

 

[NVIII]

A word of caution RE the "let your wife take the lead here" proposal. You were probably at the mercy of your own devices when pursuing your first wife, and now it could feel like, with your helpmeet as a wingman, you have a cheatcode for the next one. But, be aware of unintended consequences. At the very least, take back the lead quickly once the ice has been broken. You don't want to create a situation where your wife has a wife, so to speak, not even subconsciously. You're not being "shared" here like dividing a cake, and your wife is not giving you or her friend permission to engage in this romance or union, right? God is the only authority over you in this matter as long as you have not turned that authority over to your wife through a vow. If so, feel free to act like it. That said, your wife's friend would benefit from the assurances of your wife that you are not your wife's "territory", and she would not be trespassing, as is the prevailing understanding.

To Megan's other point, all your logical prowess isn't going to land as effectively as you might think it will if she's not already warmed up to the idea. Women are emotionally driven, so focus your approach in that direction and feed logic in smaller bites to support it. I do think your 15 page paper will have a good impact. Women are attracted to men in ways unique to their sex, and diligence and preparation are attractive to them. Two thumbs up.

So, to sum up what I'm getting at, show up, keep everything framed in truth, don't take shortcuts, and let God open or close the doors as He already did once for you.

 

[NBTX11]

Study Scripture together.

Great idea.

 

[Bartato]

Megan's advice seems pretty solid.
What you are currently doing also seems reasonable. It is important for her to spend time with you, your wife, and family.

Your paper may be of some value, but most people (and especially most women) are persuaded more by emotion rather than reason and sound Biblical doctrine.

There are several different issues she will need to consider, and they won't necessarily follow in logical order.

1. She needs to understand that polygyny is a Biblically lawful form of marriage.

2. She needs to decide whether or not she is interested in it herself.

3. She needs to decide whether she is interested in you (and able to share a life with your wife and existing family of children and grandchildren).

As a man, you might think you need to proceed from one to three sequentially. You might think you need to persuade her of point one, then point two, and then three.

In reality, practically all that matters is point three. If she wants to join your family, then accepting points one and two will come easily.

 

[NBTX11]

A word of caution RE the "let your wife take the lead here" proposal.

She is trying to help. Leah, Rachel, and Sarah helped their husbands get wives. And honestly, I need her help to a certain extend. I have no real background with this woman. She does. She can talk about anything with her. They grew up together.

 

[NBTX11]

3. She needs to decide whether she is interested in you (and able to share a life with your wife and existing family of children and grandchildren).

In reality, practically all that matters is point three. If she wants to join your family, then accepting points one and two will come easily.

She's interested. Call it intuition, a hunch, or just reading body language.

 

[steve]

She's interested. Call it intuition, a hunch, or just reading body language.

All too often they are more interested in the feelings than they are the lifestyle.
To her right now, you are safe. She can have some emotional intimacy with you because she thinks that you can’t go any farther, so she doesn’t have to protect herself. Because she sees you as safe, her friends husband who wouldn’t do anything untoward.
When you blow up the bridge behind her is when things get exceptionally real.

 

[NBTX11]

All too often they are more interested in the feelings than they are the lifestyle.
To her right now, you are safe. She can have some emotional intimacy with you because she thinks that you can’t go any farther, so she doesn’t have to protect herself. Because she sees you as safe, her friends husband who wouldn’t do anything untoward.
When you blow up the bridge behind her is when things get exceptionally real.

The bridge is going to have get blown up and soon in my mind. I wanted to bring it up on this trip, but it probably was too soon, so I didn't. We were just getting to know each other. My feeling is that is it will be received well, now I am just to figure out the how and when.

 

[Bartato]

Have you mentioned the fact that polygyny is a Biblical form of marriage, apart from expressing particular interest in her?

 

[frederick]

Study Scripture together.

Great idea.

Reading the Bible with your wive/wives and family should be part of your daily routine. Eph. 5:25-26, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word.

For me, this is where I started with both of my wives - reading the Word of God to them, and I still do it every day. Polygyny permeates Scripture. If you start in Genesis you're already there at Chapter 4! How much easier can it be? I wouldn't surprise her and drop the "Polygyny" bomb as though it was the most important thing. Handing her your article and saying, Here, read this, might be a little to much straight out of the gate. However, the Word of God ought to be the foundation that is clearly laid down. Make sure you are all in the same Book, on the same page, and walking together in your understanding. When others find out about you and these women (i.e. your wives) you all better be united and anchored in the truth, or you may become another statistic for PM failure.

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord. May His favor be poured out abundantly for the three of you.

Shalom and best wishes.

 

[NBTX11]

Have you mentioned the fact that polygyny is a Biblical form of marriage, apart from expressing particular interest in her?

No. We haven’t gotten around to discussing that. She can read body language. If I just randomly bring up that topic she’ll know I’m talking about her. I’d rather just bring up the whole thing at once. We both had an unspoken interest in each other.

 

[Children of God]

I think examples might help. We had one of my wife's friends over for a Bible study and as we started we talked about family history and what our churches believe. A comment got brought up about Mormons and aren't they the ones with multiple wives? My wife jumped on that explaining in general what the Bible says about that subject and you could see the light bulb click that hey that makes sense. I then jumped in an gave Bible verses to support it. My wife then, gave a testimony of all the benefits she could see in that lifestyle.

To me it was really easy and fluid and not rehersed at all. It also gave her comfort that it wasn't just me interested in her as I think this discussion has to be with both you and your wife with her otherwise in today's culture it could appear your looking for a side chick. Once she knows your wife is on board then I think it's just an education period. The key for us was thar we provided the details to see her response. In the end she didn't jump on board and do any research or ask many questions so we pulled back from actually discussing our interest in her. We are over 6 months down the road now and we are great friends with her but no progress in that direction. She continues to date guys and be disappointed so maybe in time or maybe another will enter our life to give it another try. She still comes by weekly so we've gained a gained a great friend and continue to share Biblical truths with her. Only time will tell.

 

[MeganC]

Even though she’s currently against poly, I got the idea she’d be receptive to it also. Call it a vibe or intuition based on several things.

Did you watch Pete Rambo's video with the Pease family? They say some things like this that James and Leslie had a feeling that Lara would be receptive and they were right. If you have a feeling then it's based on something you've seen or experienced with your wife's cousin.

I was just writing to someone else that women who join poly families as a plural always have a reason why they're open to this.

Do you know what your wife's cousin's reason would be? If so that's a huge step in the direction you want to go.

 

[Children of God]

Did you watch Pete Rambo's video with the Pease family? They say some things like this that James and Leslie had a feeling that Lara would be receptive and they were right. If you have a feeling then it's based on something you've seen or experienced with your wife's cousin.

I was just writing to someone else that women who join poly families as a plural always have a reason why they're open to this.

Do you know what your wife's cousin's reason would be? If so that's a huge step in the direction you want to go.

Megan you may have posted this before but thought it might be prudent to give us an example of how you ladies came to your husband?

We live in a pretty remote area so our likely hood of having a lady just appear in the woods is highly unlikely lol. I strongly believe God has the ability to do anything. I also believe he asks us do, so I'm trying to do my part. With no experience it seems like a daunting task. We have chosen to pursue helping to bring people to Christ and see if that leads someone to us. But any tips would be appreciated. We tried the online deal and it's crazy there's these gorgeous ladies that are just on there waiting for the right guy/couple....yeah not so much more fakes.

 

[Bartato]

I was just writing to someone else that women who join poly families as a plural always have a reason why they're open to this.

Do you know what your wife's cousin's reason would be? If so that's a huge step in the direction you want to go.

NBTX11 mentioned that this woman has never been married, and that she was best friends with his wife in highschool. That would mean her age is almost certainly well north of forty. In less polite (but more honest) times, she would have been called an "old maid". That seems like a good reason to be open to poly. Sharing a man makes more sense than dying alone surrounded by cats.

 

[NBTX11]

Did you watch Pete Rambo's video with the Pease family? They say some things like this that James and Leslie had a feeling that Lara would be receptive and they were right. If you have a feeling then it's based on something you've seen or experienced with your wife's cousin.

I was just writing to someone else that women who join poly families as a plural always have a reason why they're open to this.

Do you know what your wife's cousin's reason would be? If so that's a huge step in the direction you want to go.

I watched the Pease family interview. You can call it intuition or a gut feeling. Despite the fact that she knew full well I’m married to her cousin and I’m supposedly off limits, she was very interested in me anyways. She’s had no previous luck in the marriage department.

 

[NBTX11]

Megan you may have posted this before but thought it might be prudent to give us an example of how you ladies came to your husband?

We live in a pretty remote area so our likely hood of having a lady just appear in the woods is highly unlikely lol. I strongly believe God has the ability to do anything. I also believe he asks us do, so I'm trying to do my part. With no experience it seems like a daunting task. We have chosen to pursue helping to bring people to Christ and see if that leads someone to us. But any tips would be appreciated. We tried the online deal and it's crazy there's these gorgeous ladies that are just on there waiting for the right guy/couple....yeah not so much more fakes.

I tried the online sites and they were a lot of scams and non Christians. Not interested.